SSs continue to avoid school

Where we live, schools have been "closed" and students have been "learning remotely" since March.

Since that time, neither SS has done anything. One claims he had "all As" and therefore doesn't need to do any work (spoiler alert - he didn't have all As and the As he did earn were because all of his grades were adjusted after BM told the school that he had OCD due to grade anxiety). The other is just lazy and therefore doing nothing.

This week, a parent email is sent to all 8th grade students with IEPs to inform them that there is a special meeting with the high school special ed case managers on June 11th. It came directly from the special ed teacher whom BM knows quite well because she regularly calls this teacher to change SSs' classes when they are "too hard" or "the teacher is mean". This year she worked with the special ed teacher so that both kids take all their assessments and complete their assignments with the special ed teacher only. Both kids are well below grade level and barely do their work when in school, so it's just a slow drip further behind.

Did either kid or did BM join the call with the special ed teachers for high school? Nope! Even BM has checked out of schooling, despite telling everyone including DH that she is "exhausting" herself trying to keep SKids on track with their learning. You'd think she'd at least want to get to know the high school special ed teachers so she could start asking for special treatment early...but I guess she just feels as though her frantic shrieking about OCD and unrealistic expectations will get her the same results next year. All I can think of is what a waste it is to spend special ed funding on two kids who are not willing to put in any effort...spend it on kids who are actually interested in learning. Not two kids who feel that learning is optional.

Should DH have spoken up - why yes, he should, but since all of his comments are met with a "you're only saying that because you hate me!" From BM or texts from BM telling DH how Skids feel that he's picking on them about school, he too has checked out.

The real kicker is that Skids, BM, and even DH are still thinking that both kids will go to college. SMH!!!

I work in education, so had to disengage on this long ago, but I still can't look away from this train wreck.

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Must be hard to watch

With your professional background, this must be pretty hard to watch. I hope you are disengaged, but it still must be psinful.

It drives me absolutely crazy

It drives me absolutely crazy! I used to help them with school work, help them build positive and productive attitudes toward learning, including growth mindset, the idea that when you work hard and achieve something you feel really accomplished, that it's okay not to get everything right on the first try, etc. I've worked on projects (completing them in a single weekend), we have a whole library of books just for them, and I've sat down to explain math in different ways (one even told me I was a really good math teacher). However, I only see them 4 days a month, so I can't overcome BM's complete disregard for education. DH used to tell them that it was important for them to work hard and it only resulted in crazy emails from BM about how he was so mean and only trying to make them (and her) feel bad. He wanted on child to get extra help over the summer for reading and BM told him he was just trying to punish the kid. DH is not a natural student, so he also gets triggered when SSs cry that school is "too hard".

SS's responses?

What is their response when you work with them? I realize you only have 4 days a month.

Their response when I work

Their response when I work with them has been positive, both were thrilled with the projects we worked on together and they have both told me that I helped them to understand their math. Now I only work with them when they ask, primarily for my own sanity and also because I would rather avoid drama from BM.

I also asked them why they weren't doing any school work now and both said they "didn't need to". I told them that I thought they did, but they disagreed and the conversation just ended.

They know how I feel about education, so they mostly avoid the topic with me now...unless the one who claims to have all As wants to brag about his grades. He never wants to talk about what he learned or what he did, only to brag about his grades, which are artificially inflated.

I feel for you. None of my DH

I feel for you. None of my DH's people value education, either. He got a GED, joined the military, and didn't go to college until he was in his mid twenties. His sisters attended a continuation high school, and I don't know if they even graduated. OSD (who had anger management issues and difficulty with interpersonal relations) sat on her butt at home doing high school via correspondence, thus producing an angry narc who is also ignorant. And YSD only made it to community college due to me pushing, prodding, talking to teachers and checking homework.

I think a lot of the parents we read about on ST had no business reproducing in the first place.

The frustrating thing for me

The frustrating thing for me is that DH says he values education and his parents pushed him hard. He has a processing disorder and ADHD, but managed to graduate high school with a B average through sheer will. He was also required to sit out of sports when his grades started slipping.

At first, he would tell SSs that they needed to work hard and do all their homework, but he's backed off big time. It's mostly BM's fault, but I think he's also scared that if he's too hard on them they will stop coming around. Also, I think his parents traumatized him because they pushed him so hard, so when they say, "Dad, it's too hard!" he crumbles a bit.

DH and I have had many conversations about how he doesn't have to come down on them hard, but he needs to stop giving them an out. For example, when I was asking SSs about their current school work, DH said, "I could never learn at home like that. That would be too difficult." After that conversation, I told him that he was basically reinforcing his children's idea that it was okay for them to not do their work right now. I know he was speaking his truth, but he also needs to set a parenting example. His children aren't even trying.