I think it has everything to do with what the relationships are & by that time you'll know where you stand. In my experience if the ex is toxic the milestones will be too.

I don't think there is one right answer, and it depends heavily on the relationships of those involved. Why does the SK want both parents to do this together/with them? Who motivated the SK to make the request? What has the history been with the SK and other parent?

I think there are instances where any request for both parents to participate in these events together is absolutely uncalled for. Abusive ex or SK(s) would be a big reason to avoid participating because that likely doesn't mean the request for photos or to be walked down the aisle was made in good faith.

BUT, if the SK has had a loving relationship with their parent and SP, and the ex is more just "moody" than abusive, I think there are some requests/precautions that can be made/taken. At a wedding, for example, put SM in the front pew so Dad can sit with her after walking SD down the aisle. In pictures, put the parents on opposite sides of the child, and have some photos of just one parent and SK, parent and SP and SK, whole families representation, etc.

If both parents and Spa and SKs have gotten along well over the years, it seems silly for the request of some photos or a walk down the aisle to sour that due to new jealousy about "place" in the family. That's unfair to everyone involved, to be one actual (not "fake it til you make it") good terms for years only to throw a wrench in last minute.

All in all, though, I try to remind myself that these dates aren't about me. They're about my SK, and if I'm that put-off by it all, I can politely decline my involvement. I don't get to control how my spouse/SO decides to deal with that event, though. If they want to put up with abuse, if that's the case, so be it. I can make my point to them, but I ultimately have no control over what they do. If I'm that upset by it, I have the option of leaving. That's the double-edged sword that comes with SPing: you can leave at any time, but you may have to leave at some point if it becomes too much.

I think that it's ok for a child to want to have a pic with both of their parents in the picture.. When talking about weddings.. I especially see this as something they might want... HOwever, I do also think that there should be pictures with the bio parent and the step parent with the bride/groom as well.  So.. the SP shouldn't be completely excluded.. but I think that to an extent.. it isn't about the child pretending their parents are "together".. just that they want a pic with both parents in the picture.  At my OSD's wedding.. we had pics with my DH and his EX with the wedding couple.. but also a pic of me and him with them too.. While a SP shouldn't be ignored...as LD said.. a picture together is hardly some symbolic "win" for anyone.  It only has as much significance in your life as you choose to give it.

I think it all depends on the relationships that everyone has.

I personally see my DD asking both her dad and DH to walk her down the isle on day. I know in my heart that it is something that her father would have no problem with. I hope that her SM and I can both be there helping her get dressed. We have already talked about her SM flying out for her first formal dance to go with us dress shopping.

I have had picutres with just me and exH and our children for smaller milestones- 5th and 8th grade graduations, birthday's, awards things. It isn't a big deal to us. When BS gets married one day, I hope that he does a mother dance with his SM as well as I. We all work together and the kids were so young when we divorced. They don't ever remember us even being together.  It just makes sense that all 4 parents do all the big stuff together. 

As for DH's exes- both of them... Honestly SS20 will likely not have another milestone event. He is entirely asexual and doesn't people well, so he will just be with us forever. SS15... we probably won't even be invited to his high school graduation, let alone his wedding or anything. I just don't see BM allowing that to happen. 

I'm a mature BM & SM of 5.  I hated and still hate all steofamily milestone events.  There is always a tension there.  But as far as any picture of the original family goes, in my mind, i called them "Original recipe".  I can understand why the child would want one.  No big deal, 

It's not my wedding so I don't get a choice abouf who is in what photos with whoever else. The photos won't be displayed at my house and it's the stepkids special day so if that kid wants both mom and dad to walk them down the aisle or take a parents photo then it's not my job to shut that down.  it's one day, one photo. I think at the point of skid marrying, they know their parents are not together and it's not like they're trying to recreate some kind of family fantasy like l believe these same kind of family photos do to younger kids so I wouldn't be against it. Would you feel equally offended if the skid wanted photos with his siblings from both both sides? Would you feel that protective over your child taking a photo with skids other siblings if the answer is 'no' then you're putting personal feelings on the bm/DH photo because of personal bias instead of what it actual represent which is that the kid came from both of them-something you should have come to terms with long before the wedding point. Bm exists. She is here. She is annoying AF and we'd all rather eat nails than to deal with them BUT she is still skid parent. The 'parent photo' isn't a glimpse into a happy moment. It's literally just a photo of the the skids parentage. 

I hope my ss doesn't get married lol. You can only hope that as the kids were so young they'd not even consider their mum n dad as their unit and view it as having to seperate families Inc siblings they'd want pics with, but yes that's a vague hope. 

A forced photo is probably the least painful thing you may have to swallow at a wedding. As someone said you can't tell a couple how to run their show. However if you and dh contribute or are asked to contribute to their day I'd say you have a right to outline beforehand anything that might make you terribly uncomfortable and come to some compromise. The reason I say this is my brothers experience. He raised 2 girls from 6/8. Paid all their way, bought nice big house etc. Deadbeat dad was never around. As they got older there was issues between girls boyfriends and my brother over treating his house like a knocking shop, free meal. Deadbeat dad renters the scene when he's dying of cancer.. He dies, girls married bfs. My brother was seated at back seperate to wife on top table. The one girls new husband raised a toast and epic speech of martyrdom to bros wife and her dead deadbeat ex as outstanding parents whilst looking my brother straight in the eye.the hurt and fallout of that saw my brother and wife seperate. He contributed to the weddings but didn't think to ask questions as he never expected these swine kids and partners to be so cruel. Well that was a mistake 

I look at is this way, if the parents have a horrible toxic bitter relationship it's pretty selfish of the kid to try and force them into a situation where they have to interact with one another.

I would equate it to telling the child they need to invite their worst enemy and interact with them on their wedding day...would they willingly do that? H#ll no! Then why force their parents to interact with one another. I know I know, the old they can be adults and swallow it for one day. Well how about the grown child who is now an adult swallow it and accept mommy and daddy can't stand each other and shouldn't be forced to interact with one another. How about the entitled child accept that if they wouldn't do it then why should their parents.

Trying to force a pretend narrative (we are a nuclear happy family) is bullsh*t and if my own child tried to do that to me I would not be a part of their wedding. I would attend but I would not be forced into uncomfortable situations just so they could play pretend for a day.

Wedding Etiquette.  Usually I’m not a big fan of wedding etiquette, per se, since it usually seems to be used in whatever manner so as to inflict as much discomfort on dad’s wife as possible, BUT I’ve just gone through “The Everything Wedding Etiquette Book, 4th edition, by Holly Lefevre.  On the back it states, “Your essential guide to the modern wedding,” and mentions dealing with unhappy stepfamilies.  So, I had to at least glance through it, of course.

Have to say, I was at least somewhat impressed (and that’s saying a lot for me).  What impressed me the most is that when it came to stepfamilies and where people sit, she stated quite clearly to get permissions from all parties involved.  She stated this a couple of times.  So, NO, it us not automatically just whatever the bride and groom wants, so suck it up !#@$! SM.  Also, what I found interesting, is that she recommended not seating exes that closely together EVEN IF they get along.  Here are some good quotes:

“The basic principle of etiquette can be summed up simply as the idea of not offending, embarrassing or upsetting others.”  (Aside: That sure as H- wasn’t followed at my SD’s wedding!)  “You should always invite significant others of married guests, engaged couples, couples who live together, and those who are generally considered to be a couple.” 

This was advice to a groom that didn’t want to invite his stepfather: “To invite your mother without her husband would be awkward, rude and offense to your mother.  If you insist on excluding your stepfather, you should discuss it first with your mother.”  Parents are not considered members of the wedding party, contrary to popular belief.  “The head table is usually reserved for the members of the wedding party.  Parents usually sit at separate tables with their families.”  “Divorced parents should not be seated at the same table, no matter how well they get along.”   More on that below. . .

This is the author’s response to the question:  Should ex-spouses or ex-in-laws be invited?  The author’s response is basically No, but what I found more interesting is what she goes on to say:  “Even if you think your relationship has evolved to a certain level and you feel okay inviting your ex, you may feel differently later or when the day comes.  Additionally, it can be confusing if you have children together and awkward for many of the guests to see your “old” wife, for instance, at an event meant to ring in the new.”  I think this plays into what there has been a lot of discussion about lately, and that is that being friendly-friendly with the ex is not a good thing, as it causes confusion for the kids and can be awkward for many others.