No one told me being a step parent was so lonely
I wish someone had warned me that being a step parent was so lonely. I feel No one understands what pressures we face, and the lack of influence we have over a child that we are expected to love unconditionally when we haven't any real connection. I feel so frustrated as you can't talk to anyone about how you are truely feeling. You can't talk to your partner cause your just being a bitch, you can't talk to family and friend cause they think you being stupid for putting up with it and maybe that's true, but things are not always black and white. I feel we have no one who has a true empathy for what life is like loving a man and being thrust into the role of step mum.
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Also, you are expected to not
Also, you are expected to not be a person and just "fit in" or become an "add on" to the existing family unit. In my experience, that can be really isolating.
Also a popular belief amongst skids
is they can do whatever they want as they used to pre stepmum and that its their home. Stepmum is not seen as an equal member of that household and her needs and wants should not be taken into account. Its just follow the status quo...
there is no accommodation for newer family members needs
We are just expected to
We are just expected to accept all decisions and not question anything. I feel like a spectator to someone else's life when SD is here.
I told my husband the exact
I told my husband the exact same thing, it felt like being a background character in my own life.
We would have an in depth talk about my role and his expectations after each drop off. It was over a year of feeling that way until we got to a place we could be content with. I never told him not to see SD but our life did get a whole lot smoother when she decided to stop seeing us. I think it was important for my husband and I to be a single parenting unit rather than "dad" and "his wife."
I know exactly how you feel and it will get better eventually if you have lots and lots of serious talks.
I agree
I've lived with the skids for 2 years, it's always something taxing. Like "Oh they are coming early, ooooooook". It's like you have a say, but you don't really. I was peeved because I noticed SS11 had a pair of my socks on yesterday. I asked her why. She responded with "well I don't have any". She's not allowed in our bedroom, no kids are. I said "well you need to ask before you dig through my things". DH said "oh I said she could". Now if it were my BD I wouldn't have given it a second thought honestly, it's just that constant breach of privacy of kids you have no say over then to have them use your things..... gah! It rubbed be the wrong way. Totally know how you feel!
DH tried the "I said she
DH tried the "I said she could" or "It's no big deal" with SDs getting into my things. I flat out told him no, not acceptable with MY things. They don't automatically become "everyone's things" when I move in. If you don't care about your stuff, fine, but my things, my kitchen stuff, my furniture - those get treated with respect. When he thought it was no big deal for them to get into my makeup and bathroom things after several times being told not to touch it, I let him know he owed me $80 for new items. He had sticker shock - yes DH, that's how much those things were to replace. I also found installing locking cabinets a very good thing.
I'm gonna put a combination
I'm gonna put a combination lock on my door! Lol. Like I want someone to ask ME, that's all. 9 times out of 10 I would say yes. It's annoying.
Oh yeah, I get "it's no big
Oh yeah, I get "it's no big deal" all the time when my things are ruined. I have so many Christmas decorations that I don't put out, because DH can't tell his teen children not to touch them or not to throw a ball or wrestle in the living room. And if they were broken, I'd be so angry, because many of them belonged to my grandmother and can't be replaced, so instead, they stay packed away in a box, until SSs stop coming around.
To me what makes it lonely is
To me what makes it lonely is that others just can't relate or dont get it. Most of the people I know with skids at least like them also (with a couple exceptions of people who had skids that are now divorced thanks to said skids).
Most people try to act like it's exactly the same as bio kids or a nuclear family because its weird/uncomfortable and they dont know how else to act. And that's alienating to me because its pushing a role on me I dont want and dont feel, so basically have to fake.
I felt that way for a long
I felt that way for a long time. Then I became an amused spectator. It's DH and BM's prerogative to raise the skid to be a POS. Let's watch her fall on her face. In the meantime, get out of the house and enjoy yourself doing stuff with your real friends.
I can totally relate to
I can totally relate to everything people are saying. I have had to fight so hard for my privacy in my own bedroom and not have SD rake through my draws.
I don't dislike my SD, but I resent it when she is here, She is very needy as she is almost 8 but emotionally only about 3 years old thanks to attachment disorder and having dispraxia which obviously my partner blames himself for and over compensate 'disney dad'. It's having my own space as well, Sometimes I just don't want an 8 year old around as I can't be arsed with it! With your own kids you can say go away I'm busy but for some reason not allowed with skids. It is so nice knowing I'm not the only one feeling so isolated.
With your own kids you can
With your own kids you can say go away I'm busy but for some reason not allowed with skids - yep 100%. I tried explaining to DH once how it was frustrating that I can bring my own kids to the drop in daycare or send them to grandmas or whatever as needed, but with SD if I ever want her out of the house, no matter what the reason (this was recovering after childbirth/c section) not only can I not arrange it myself, but I get guilt tripped for treating her the exact same as my own kids.
Also, just curious, what are the attachment disorder symptoms?
You also can't say "knock it
You also can't say "knock it off, you're being a jerk!" even when they are.
It is so very lonely. SD9
It is so very lonely. SD9 lives with us full-time and there is so much pressure for me to be "her mom" from everyone, including my own parents! People expect me to love her the way that I love my own kids and I will never be able to. I do not know a lot of step-moms, but the ones that I do know do not have their step-kid(s) full-time. I can't say anything to my SO about his child without him becoming defensive or being in denial. I can't complain to friends because none of them understand. It definitely makes me feel alone.
I can totally simpathise with
I can totally simpathise with you, we have shared care and that is too much. What I am angry with myself for is I was so excited to think I could be a mum again, both my girls are older and I genuinely believed that the behaviours I didn't agree with we would tackle together when we moved in and that dad was as keen as me to have boundaries for the good of his daughter. OMG how wrong I was, I should have made him deal with these things before we moved in.
There are so many
There are so many misconceptions in step-life. I wasn't excited to be a step-mom, but I thought it was going to be pretty easy because I've always been a good mom to my own kids. I thought that SD's BM living far away and not being very involved was a good thing! I was so wrong. It's way too hard having to raise someone else's child because they don't want to do it themselves. Most especially when the child is more and more unlikeable with each passing day.
I treat SD the same as I did
I treat SD the same as I did my own, I don't expect any more or less from her but it's not enough. I find it insulting that dad doesn't trust me, if he allowed me to be the parent I am and not the one he thinks I should be I know we could have a much happier little girl and he would have a much happier me!!
Yep!
So accurate!
I'm the custodial stepparent to 3 kids aged 6-10. They've lived with us fulltime for nearly two years, right when I had my child. So I essentially became a mom of 4 overnight.. It's so difficult being the one who does everything for kids, yet always coming up last. All their love, affection, excitement goes to their bio mom and dad (who is a good dad and husband but is very busy with work so not always around).
Their useless mother always prioritized her job and her social life (as in, would work a full day, come home to sleep 2 or 3 hours, wake up to spend an hour or 2 with the kids who had been with the nanny all day, then go out all night with her sisters and friends - - on an almost daily basis).. The woman has no interest in taking responsibility for the kids or being involved in their education or school life. Her income (which is hefty) goes to buying shit for herself, toys EOWeekend for the kids, but nothing of substance. She won't help pay for their education ( they're in private school where we live because the govt education is very bad). She's never taken them on a vacation. When she takes them to her hometown for a few weeks, they just sit around their grandmothers house and going to the mall - like, put them in camp or something to give them good life experiences! She doesn't pay for extra-curriculars. Last year her daughter asked her (and my husband even suggested she do it to be more involved), that she put DSD in dance class. Nope.
Ugh. Just so conflicted all the time. And from time to time (like today) I lose my cool. Just the constant stress I'm under, constant difficulty and discipline issues, and being the one who always gets the short end of the stick, it builds up..
I totally get it. I feel
I totally get it. I feel conflicted all the time, too. It becomes more miserable as time goes on. Many step-parents who get every other weekend, or even every weekend, have no idea how lucky they are!
Attachment disorder is very
Attachment disorder is very strange. In lots of ways it shows as a spoilt brat! So it is difficult to navigate the minefield between behaviour that comes from the attachment disorder and the genuine spoilt brat behaviour. But generally she still needs to co sleep with both parents, (dad has to sleep in her room, I have refused to allow her in my room/bed) she doesn't sleep through the night properly, when we have tried to push her to sleep alone she is up at 1am, 2am etc... she can't cope getting anything wrong, she completely flies off the handle if she does something as simple as spill her tea down her top or her ice cream drips down the cone. If she is told off for anything we have full blown temper tantrum. Some of these behaviours have become less frequent, as time has gone on. But it's very much two forward and three steps back. I think no matter how hard we try we cannot love our skids the same way as we live our own.
I know how you feel, Ive
I know how you feel, Ive actually given up trying to talk, I don't even attempt to start a conversation with him. We where all in the garden the other day and SD was sat on the garden bench funny enough on a game on her dads phone, we where both potting around, obviously within sight and less than few meters away from her, she sat there and said 'I'm sat on my own here, is no one going to sit with me' guess what! He went and sat sat down like some puppy dog doing as he was told. But then I'm horrible cause I carry on doing what I was doing and don't jump to her demands. And then get comment like 'Don't you want to be with us' I just want to scream at him, I want to be with you! When we met we had 18 blissful months with out SD as BM dragged everything through court, oh, she a nutter as well. She has BPD. I should have seen this shit coming and ran a mile at the start it much harder once your heart is involved. I liken being a step mum to boiling a frog, if you put a frog in a boiling pan it will jump out imidiately, however put it in a pan of cold water and slowly cook it will sit there happily not realising what is happening till it is too late.
It's so lonely. For me it's
It's so lonely. For me it's insanely lonely when just skids are here but equally lonely when just my kids are here.
i withdraw from his kids....he withdraws from mine. It just all sucks.
the times we have all the kids at the same time is okay....there is no "family" feeling. It's always super hard work and stressful just to get through the day but those times aren't "lonely".
the only times I don't feel lonely and anxious are when it's just me and my kids alone....or just DH, me and our toddler alone.