Some advice needed
So, 18 years ago my SS (4) and SD (7) mother dropped them to us and never can back. She was a drug user and although made contact via court 6 years later this didn't work out as she lost interest. Around 2015, my SD (then 18) got pregnant and found her mother on Facebook. Things were okay at first and settled into some sort of normal but now my SD is pulling away from her father and me and our 3 children. We were a very close family before and my SD and I had a very close bond but 5 years into her new relationship with her mother things are non-existent between us unless her mother upsets in some way and then she comes back to me for support etc. My SS has nothing to do with his mother or my SD.
For the previous Father's Day and my husbands birthday both seem to be real areas of difficulty. On both occasions, something has happened where by I am put into a situation where my SD argues with me about something and then refuses to come round to see her dad because I have upset her. The same has happened again now with something my SS posted on social media and now she is angry with me for not making him take it down and is not coming to visit the family for father day.
I love them both so much and it breaks my heart that I am one minute "mum" and the next ignored. I am happy to be there for her but I feel that it is not genuine any more and that I used more to irritate her mother when she has annoyed my SD. I have a good relationship with my Grandson but am pushed out at times like this and not allowed to video call him or speak to him as they are "busy". It is hard because I feel like her mother in a maternal way and yes we haven't always seen eye to eye it is not that different from my relationship with our daughter. I just don't know where I stand anymore and the upset and sadness it causes me just gets me so down.
Has anyone else ever experienced this? I just don't know what to do. I told her I love them all and will be here if she needs and have backed off but it makes me so sad to have another Father's Day for my husband without her.
Regarding Father's Day, she
Regarding Father's Day, she is looking for a scapegoat for her inability to declare her feelings or better known as the loyalty bind her mother has put her in. She creates conflict with you and then uses it as an excuse. Next time call her on it. Do not allow her to use you that way. Step back from anything concerning her and let her and her father figure out their relationship. She's an adult now. Not much you can or need to do anymore.
You are spot on, thank you :)
You are spot on, thank you :)
She will continue to treat
She will continue to treat you as you let her. You can keel doing this back-and-forth or you can pull back and protect yourself. She is manipulating you using her children and I'm sure she does it with her dad, biomom and probably even their biodad. You have to keep your distance from people like that unfortunately for you and the kids. More than likely when you pull back from her, she will get mad about that too and whine to daddy-that whole saying 'it gets worse before it gets better-but as long as you stay consistent with being polite but not putting yourself out there any longer she will eventually adapt to y'all's new relationship standard.
I know the bio mom thing upsets you, but it's her mom and always will be her mom no matter how crappy she was or how super you were while she was growing up.
Sounds like she inherited or
Sounds like she inherited or learned some of her mother's manipulation skills. Stay connected but don't let yourself be used. I'm guessing as she matures, she will figure it out.
When you remove yourself from the equation the trash will take
itself out, as you are no longer her target and not on her radar. These "girls" love to blame us for everything. Once you are no longer a player in her game, she will most likely ramp things up, or disappear altogether. Hopefully, if she chooses to up the ante your DH will be wise enough to see that since you are no longer associating with her (block her from your life in every way possible, phone, social media, email etc.) and the drama driving behaviors and blame game persist, that YOU ARE NOT THE ISSUE, SHE IS! Once their target is off your back, she will most likely move on with her life, and let you resume yours.
I know it must be emotionally painful to have had a close relationship with her as a child, just to have her locate BM and pretend you never existed.
Kids always love the one that left them (whether by free will, or death) and tend to over glorify them, and make them perfect in their minds. Remember, BM wasn't there for all of her own daughter's milestone memories, you were. Though she may be in and out of your life, your memories are the treasures you will take with you along this journey we know as "life."
Less is more. The less time you spend around her the more sanity you will have.
What a lovely way to think of it
In terms of the memories I can cherish. Thank you. I can only liken this feeling to when I lost my dad and I know that sounds dramatic but it feels like grief that I keep reliving. She is ignoring me at the moment and I have taken that opportunity to step back and let her get on with thing and for me to find some peace. It makes me sad when my own two children who used to love her to pieces have seen how she had behaved and now want little to do with her - no doubt this will be my fault haha! I think everyone has said the same about stepping back and that is what I'll do. I wish I found this group sooner - it is wonderful xx thank you so much xx
Always great advice
Ive been around here for 3 plus. Its saved me much grief, and much sanity.
I hope your SD comes to realise and appreciate how you were always there for her.
But you have your bios and they will always understand what a great mother you are.
Go through the grieving process and just realise that she is on her own pathway, through HER decisions.
You are in mourning to the death of this relationship;
it makes perfect sense you would liken it to the loss of your father. It doesn't sound dramatic. You've obviously been wounded emotionally as we all have. We have all suffered the figurative "death" of our marriages in one way or another. It is truly hell when you realize your DH has been a party to all thier obnoxious horrible bitch fests about you, and for NO GOOD REASON. This is how they bond, daddy and daughter.
Stepping away is THE BEST OPTION to preserve your sanity, guard your heart and in turn keep your peace.
YVW.
I'm glad you found it too!
Zero tolerance and total
Zero tolerance and total confrontation of bullshit tends to drive idiots like this under their slime covered rock where they belong. Tolerate nothing, actively and aggessively confront any crap from her firmly placing all of it on her shoulders.
She will either learn to shut up and knock it off, or stay away.
Either way.... you win.
Live well and rub her nose in her behavioral crap when she pulls it.
If she behaves reasonably, then deal with her reasonably... all within the framework of zero tolerance for manipulative toxic behavioral crap.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
So today brought an interesting message
I received this message: I don't want to not speak to you but I don't want to be bombarded with messages. I have talked it through with P@@l (BF) and we feel you are just trying to lay on a guilt trip by telling me how you feel. I have been very upset by this but I don't want to fall out, there is not issue here.
I thought carefully about my response and said: I told you how I feel because it was how I feel no other reason. It was being drawn into an argument that was nothing to do with me that upset me. As I said I am stepping back and as long as you know I care about you and that I am here if you need then that is good enough for me.
I feel sick and so sad to have said that but I feel by not saying anything I am just excusing what has been said etc. I've deleted social media so I don't see future things and if there are any issues she knows where I am which I don't think she will. Have I just made the biggest mistake of my life?
i cannot thank all you messages enough, you really have empowered me to feel that I'm worth a bit more than the one who tries to keep it all together. My heart is saying "message her back and apologise etc" my head is saying you've done the right thing. The way I gauged it is that the amount of anxiety I felt seeing a message from her was not normal and needed to do something. Thanks for listening to me waffle on.
IMHO it is great that you
IMHO it is great that you confronted the source of the issues. I consider myself fortunate that when I am confronted with a challenging situation or problem, time slows down and I step through the analysis of the problem/situation and I address it, confront it and solve it in a manner almost completely devoid of emotion. After I address the issue, that is when emotion catches up and I work through the emotion.
Put your heart aside and go with your head. You have nothing to apologize for. If she behaves reasonably, deal with her reasonably. If she is not reasonable, then confront the crap immediately. Do not let her or anything to do with her make you feel guilty or apologize for her toxic crap.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
The head bone is connected to the heart bone & we must not let
them come apart. When they are not in sync your troubles begin.
I would not contact her any further, as it seems she is trying to get you to engage so she can say "See daddy? I'm trying to play nice, but Britteach is the one trying to manipulate the situation." Stay away.She's nothing but trouble.
I guess your days of teaching
I guess your days of teaching her are not over, the method and lessons have changed. If you crawl back, she will kick you again and again. Show her how healthy adults behave and act in the face of toxicity. If you are still struggling, find a therapist for yourself. Keep posting here too, we'll keep you on the right track.
Make and enforce firm boundaries...
and please don't let her hold the power in the relationship between the two of you. She knows you'll always be there for her and letting her know your feelings is good. She might derive satisfaction in making you feel sad or upset which gives her power to mainupulate your feelings.
A firm boundary might be, "Please not draw me into your arguments that have nothing to do with me." Her messaging you that she doesn't want to be bombarded by messages might indicate that she doesn't want to be bothered with your messages, she teamed up with her bf to make a 'we' statement rather than speak from her own thoughts/feelings, her telling you she's been very upset is trying to guilt you (like she accused you of doing), she's saying there's no issue here...it was for you but not for her. I agree with other folks on here, remove yourself from the equation so you're not the scapegoat. Sounds like you did for her what her mother failed to do and I hope you praise yourself on making great memories, being there for the milestones and being a positive role-model/mother/female that she otherwise might not have had.
Best of luck, enjoy Fathers Day!