The good times ?
Just wanted to quickly rant and update I had a counseling appointment and feel so much better. I'm feeling like maybe the intense feelings I'm having are related to my pregnancy and the stress of just moving into a new home we remodeled , no AC , not fully finished .. just major stress because there are good days and the past few have been that. Yes my SO cheated in a vicious way .. but my choice was to fight for my family , set higher standards for him and me , and give our family a shot. We got together during a really rocky transnational time in our lives , he had a hard time fully leaving the mother of his children , fully accepting that she is indeed a junkie and letting go of the family he had known. It's not easy stuff and I also made bad choices .. but listen when I say my step kids need me ,and have needed me in mean that , because although when I came in the picture they were only legally separated the reality was that their mother was GONE out of sight, she full on had abandoned her children. I stepped in like Us step parents do . I got my step son when he was 1 1/2 ! Step daughter when she had just turned 5 . I made that commitment to be there for them and to dedicate myself to my husband and in the name of LOVE I am sticking to that until The last ounce of fire I have runs out . And you know what even if y'all wanna call me stupid for going back and say I'm settling, I can never trust again , and will be miserable until I leave or whatever , I'm so proud of myself for my choices. I will always choose happiness no matter what . And in doing things out of the purity in our heart to forgive we can never be wrong , we can never regret. This step life is hard as hell and all of us on here know that caring for another woman's or man's child is not for the cowards or for the faint of heart. Even on the hard days/ weeks I have to remind myself that they are just children and all they need is LOVE .
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Yep!, love conquers all.
Yep!, love conquers all.
“Luckily we aren't married. . . yet. After everything he did, he proposed to me but I'm just so distraught I can wait 10 yrs to marry if I have to. The day I found out, he went and got tested for STDs and went straight to counseling, which has determined he has some dissociative identity disorders from childhood.” Dissociative identity disorder--a rare psychological disorder in which two or more personalities with distinct memories and behavior patterns apparently exist in one individual. Also called multiple personality disorder. So, maybe when he is with BM he has one personality, and when he is with you, he has another?
That’s an interesting diagnosis.
If you could add up all the years
of experiences from all the SM's and SD's on this site, you would have more understanding of everyone's comments in your previous blog.
I truly hope everything works out for you and your family, the only suggestion I can give you, is to harden your heart a little towards the skids and your DH. There are many old sayings that ring true, to this date "Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on me" "Once a cheater, always a cheater", remember these for the future and hope and pray that these do not happen.
I understand and the
I understand and the responses are valuable to me !! Truly even the mean ones lol
Just remember what you call
Just remember what you call "mean," someone else would call "wise."
Did you tell your therapist this,
Did you tell your therapist this, "I made that commitment to be there for them and to dedicate myself to my husband and in the name of LOVE I am sticking to that until The last ounce of fire I have runs out." If so, what did she say? Making a commitment for religious or moral reasons and then standing by it is understandable - but to make a commitment for "love" seems a bit naive. I'm guessing you are fairly young, so it may be hard for you to see that it takes way more than "love" to make a long term relationship work. Keep coming here for advice - just know that it is going to be practical "real world" advice that will have very little to do with "love."
Also... she really wants to
Also... she really wants to be a SAHM, and he makes enough money to allow for that.
My husband makes enough money for me to remain a sahm
Does that mean i and my 2 young kids from hubby suck up the crap skids and hubby dish on me, enable and encourage to happen to push me and our kids away?? Nope!!
hubby deals with it or he can go looking for wife #3!! Thats enough to scare him into line because he’s had so many women con him including the exwife, he knows he won’t find better so his only choice is to make me happy as he knows skids make him continually miserable
for those of us with our own kids, prioritising much elder skids feefees over our little ones isn’t a priority. When the environment is so toxic, the love and intimacy dissipates at rapid speed... too many times of this and you work an exit strategy because your sanity and health is just as important
i find it hard to love a man who allows grown up skids to treat his wife like shit, to use his younger kids with that wife in a manipulative manner in front of family so they look like siblings of the year, to even go as far as to abuse them all and hand down ultimatums that daddy gets rid of his whore and young kids or skid is gone for good...
i also find it hard for a serial cheater to act innocent because any promises he makes are empty promises that cannot be trusted. You also have a partner who does not protect your boundaries like your bedroom and gaslights you and sets double standards... that isn’t ok!!
even my husband has firm rules that skids do not meddle in our bedroom affairs and that i deserve and am entitled to have my privacy respected. One time ss barged into my bedroom as i was getting dressed and hubby lost his shit at him. Even after telling his son you can’t come in as your stepmum is getting dressed ss said its ok he’ll be real quick and hubby shut that down and slammed the door on him!!
my husband knows any intimacy is gone if i were expected to have skids share a room with me.
sometimes disengaging and removing yourself from that toxic mess is the only way to survive!! I’ve had exwife try to insert herself into our household and lives via skids, had her try to control me... i removed myself and my kids from any meets because skids could not respect basic boundaries of ours... me and my kids deserve that basic right. The fact bio mum is a paycho doesn’t change the fact as grown arse adults they treat others like shit when they know its wrong..
No, it shouldn't be allowed.
No, it shouldn't be allowed. And it's not worth being a sahm to accept poor treatment... well, for some anyway.
It's all "I'm all in...they
It's all "I'm all in...they NEED me" until you realize it's just YOU who's all in and YOU who wants to be the person the skids need. Don't worry, you'll wallow in self suffering for a good bit and then it'll hit you like it hits all of us eventually. Then you'll be back here asking how to disengage or leave all together. The best thing I learned here was we are all the standard not the exception.
Well, good luck. I know the
Well, good luck. I know the fact that you have a small child with him and are currently pregnant complicates things. I stayed in my marriage despite infideity due to my being pregnant, too. You want to at least try and give it your all when you are expecting. I found that the pregnancy did make it easier to forgive and forget, and look to the future. I didn't have stepkids and a BM to deal with, though.
All i can say is to make sure and set strong boundaries for your DH's behavior with BM and the skids. You will never have more power in your relationship than you do right now, while he is contrite and you are pregnant with his child. Don't waste this due to having warm fuzzy feelings. Do not give him an inch when it comes to your boundaries.
Might i suggest that you insist on having full authority to parent the skids in your home. None of this "they are my kids" or, "you are too hard on them." He must not undermine you. Parent them the same way you do your own. Disengaging is a last resort imo, when you have given up due to DH and BM's dysfunction. Make your bedroom adults only. If BM comes back around, insist on a CO, a schedule that is followed, and that you are included in all communication and dealings with BM. You must have equal input into all custody and visitation decisions. If your DH follows this, you guys might have a chance.
He has full primary custody
He has full primary custody of the kids now . BM didn't show up for the court hearing to even fight for her babies. Legally he doesn't even have to communicate with her as she's a felon , communication is court ordered to be done through BMs mom. And grandma can visit the kids on saturdays , no overnights.
I also filed a restraining order against her once I found out he was cheating , with her violent background she's not allowed near me or my daughter.
In many ways everything that happened was a blessing in disguise because now I can honestly say the situation is set up in my favor . I believe we have a fighting chance to make it work . But that doesn't mean I'll be broken beyond repair if it doesn't .. I understand the possibilities and the stats .
did your husband end up cheating again after you forgave him ?
Not that i knew of, but we
Not that i knew of, but we split for other reasons. Keep boundaries in mind because these dysfunctional BMs like to boomerang back.
Ignoring the facts doesn't
Ignoring the facts doesn't change the facts.
You picked a very damaged man of questionable character to be the father of your children, and there's a cost to that.
Please make sure that the kids don't suffer for the bad decisions of the adults in their lives. As a mother, you have a duty to protect your bios and provide a stable childhood. Don't put a man ahead of their needs and emotional health.
I couldn't say it any better
I couldn't say it any better than this really. What sort of man, not only cheats on his partner, but does it in their shared home, under her very nose when you were presumably in another room - I'm referring to Xmas Day - you can't just have popped to the shops, can you?
To me this would have been a humongous deal breaker and he would have been out of my house so fast his feet wouldn't have touched the ground. So many people use "childhood damage" as an excuse to behave in the worst ways as adults. I was severely neglected myself as a child, and have suffered lifelong mental health problems as a result, but have never used it as a reason or justification for treating others like shit.
You have only been with this man a very short time, and if he is prepared to treat you this way after little more than a year, what's he going to be doing in 5 or 10 yrs time, when the honeymoon period has well and truly worn off? But I imagine by then you may have removed your rose coloured spectacles and believe him when he shows you what sort of person he is.
I think it's safe to say
I think it's safe to say everyone has good and bad qualities . Did he cheat on me , yes he did . And he's working to correct his Wrong doing . Nothing he's done can take away the fact that he is an amazing father and provider for our family . We work together running our home business SO well , we demonstrate hard work and creativity each and every single day . We are a team !
We have petty arguments in front of the kids at times but we also make up , hug , kiss , apologize , compliment one another , and laugh together in front of them ,marriage is a long journey filled with every emotion . I have no interest in my kids believing otherwise.
I want to get back to that
I want to get back to that multiple personality disorder diagnosis. . . I assume he'll be getting medication and therapy for that? That is the standard treatment.
Therapy yes no medication
Therapy yes
no medication
"Good and bad qualities" is
"Good and bad qualities" is being untidy or forgetful, or occasionally inconsiderate. Not banging your ex while your current partner is sitting in another room in the same house. And not just once, multiple times. I don't think there's much "team" about this sort of behaviour, and it's not something about which to laugh, apologise and make up after. This is serious betrayal and abuse of trust.
"... marriage is a long
"... marriage is a long journey filled with every emotion. I have no interest in my kids believing otherwise."
But you aren't married. And in step life, it's crucial to see things as they are, not as we wish them to be. How can you make good decisions for yourself and your child if you're playing fast and loose with reality?
We control our own reality !
We control our own reality !
We all chose step life here , it didn't choose us
but yet none of you seem to go to sleep happy at night as a step parent
so why would I be taking any of this advice lol ?
I'm over here actually trying to love my step children through all the grit , hardships and seemingly evil emotions that come with the role and everyone on this blog is just like ummm no sorry that's not allowed here.
it's like I choose hatred and misery like the rest of you or I'm not welcome
there is clearly very little space for positivity on this blog
No, we are asking you to
No, we are asking you to choose common sense. Did we choose step-life or did it choose us? I don't know the answer to that and I don't think anyone else does. And, we are not speaking about your step-children at all here. What most of us are speaking about is your DH, the one who had little problem having sex with his ex- and apparently other similar caddish behaviors. Meanwhile, you are pregnant with this man's child. To be honest, I'm not concerned for you or your DH either. What I am concerned for, and I guess I don't know why or maybe I do, is your unborn child. You may think you can handle the environment you are in and that love conquers all, but you are also making that decision for any future children--that somehow, even as infants, they'll be able to understand and accept dad's outlandish behaviors. Like it will not even remotely affect them when dad comes home in the wee hours of the morning from another night of catting, and you and him get into yet another accusatory scream-fest, loud enough for the kids to hear and maybe even loud enough for the neighbors to call 9-1-1.
But, I said this on another site recently. . . . In America parents have the right to damage and even destroy (indirectly) their own children. It's called free-will, and there is little worse or damaging than free-will with a lack of common sense. Also, I question at least some of the validity of your post because, among other things, the diagnosis of Multiple Personality Disorder is very rare, and it is highly unlikely that such a diagnosis would be made in just a couple of therapy sessions. Usually, multiple professionals would be involved to make such a diagnosis over weeks if not months. And, you have to rule out alcohol or other drugs or underlying medical conditions. Takes time. And, yes, dissociative identity disorder can be treated (not likely cured, but treated), but it’s tough. Something else choosen for future children to have to deal with, I guess. Nonetheless, and sincerely, good luck.
Don't do wifey shit for a
Don't do wifey shit for a fuck boy.