Unnecessary communication
My BF and I have been together for quite some time now. He has 4 kids (27, 24, 20, 17) all by his ex wife. This woman tries to have a say in everything regarding their kids and his relationship with them. She constantly calls & texts as if they have small children. He has blocked her but she would call on 3 way with one of their kids. Now she is unblocked bc the 20 yr old has been in and out of hospital due to anxiety. My main irritation right now is that they are all on a group family chat for about 2 yrs now. It bothers me because she has too much of a say as if they’re still a family that’s together. I have expressed it to my bf and he says she’s only currently in it because she’s not blocked. Am I unreasonable for wanting her to be removed from the chat? Sometimes I feel like a third party.
The kids
Where do the kids live?
The two oldest live on their
The two oldest live on their own. The 17 & 20 yr old live with dad during the summer
That would bug me, too
I'd be irritated, too. How often do they do those group family chats? Are they all on them each time? If I were their age, I think I'd have other things to do. What do they talk about? Is it kind of recreational or is there some problem, aside from the hospitalizations?
It’s pretty much everyday. It
It’s pretty much everyday. It’s anything from the oldest sending pics of his toddler, to talking about everyday things as if they’re all one big happy family. Sometimes the 20 yr old will send old family pics. I will say BF barely responds unless it’s something pertaining to him & his kids directly
What you have is called gatekeeping
Your bf need to learn to grey rock her and only discuss the essentials regarding the 17 year old minor. The rest are adults and able to communicate things to him on their own. That is only if your bf wants to be free of this dynamic. If he doesn't acknowledge it as an issue then there's nothing you can do apart from bite your tongue every time there's drama.
He barely interacts with this
He barely interacts with this woman. She is very manipulative and has a strange mentality. When the 17 yr old stays with him, she sometimes goes to her cousin house. The ex will text & say she doesn’t want her over there bc she thinks the cousin smokes marijuana. He ignores her the best he can but she still will call on 3 way from oldest daughte’s phone. I think she never broken her emotional ties with him.
I agree
I agree with your statement that she never broke the emotional ties with BF. And I agree with The Upgrade that he should gray rock her.
Youre not unreasonable at all
Youre not unreasonable at all. I don't understand why you're with a married man though. That never turns out well...I'm being sarcastic but that's basically what it is based on how enmeshed he and this other woman are. Why are you even there? I'm really not directing that to you in a mean way, just trying to make a point.
Is he averse to confronting
Is he averse to confronting her? Why can't he remove himself from the group chat and ask his kids to contact him directly? As to the 3-way phone calls, as soon as he realizes the ex is on the phone, he can tell his kid he's going to hang up now, and if the skid wants to talk to him, she can call back without the ex on the phone. He needs to send a clear message to the KIDS that he is not married to their mother anymore and, except in the event of an emergency, has no need or desire to speak with her. Then he reinforces that message by immediately disengaging every time one of them contacts him and the ex is involved in the communication.
That certainly is not unreasonable, and your desire that he stop communicating with her (except to the extent necessary with regard to the minor child or in a real emergency) is perfectly understandable.
Yeah, these kids are all
Yeah, these kids are all adults or soon to be. They need to have a relationship with their dad that's separate from their relationship with their mother. I agree with the poster who said it's gatekeeping behavior. Mom won't let them have a relationship with dad that doesn't include her.
I saw this in my relationship except it was the dad (my SO) doing the gatekeeping. BM never set up her own household with the kids, and never formed her own relationship with them. My SO made it so easy for her to see them at his house, letting her come and go whenever she wanted, and continuing to pay her. He was paying for control. If she took them for even a weekend, he was calling her or the older son the whole time, checking on what she was feeding them, making sure they did their schoolwork. If they misbehaved with her, he jumped in and disciplened them over the phone. He made sure she relied on him for everything involving the kids. It was all about control. She got a pass on doing the work of parenting and got paid, and he got the control he wanted.
Being the SO of either the controller or the one being controlled sucks. Insist on boundaries and don't become a part of the twisted little dynamic they have going on. Your DH needs to reclaim his status as equal parent in his adult kids' lives.
What does anixity and having
What does anxiety and having bm as phone contact have to do with anything.
Get a burner phone with roll over minutes, NO TEXTING OPTION, block mom and minions from dads main phone and give MOM the burner phone number. Tell her call this new number for emergency. Otherwise he will not get info from her and he will rely on kids telling him everything...
I know of a few bm's by proxy, who speak in 3rd person AND send ex's note/letter/email talking FOR now grown kids as if they are in pre-school. It is weird but then again it is part of their (bm) mental health issues. So, this is not surprising.
Either block bm or continue this way It is really dh decision. No law saying dh must have bm in his contacts.
Yes, it is DH's decision.
Yes, it is DH's decision. Maybe he is so accustomed to dancing to her tune out of fear of losing the kids all these years, but they are all old enough now to have their own relationship with him. I'm assuming the 17-year-old either drives or can use public transportation if you are in a city? At the very least i'm sure he has his own cell phone and can contact your DH when he wants. No more use for the controlling "gatekeeper" BM determining when he gets to see or talk to his kids, so no more use to him letting her call the shots to "keep the peace."
As you can see ...
As you can see with the ages of the older kids THIS IS NEVER GOING TO STOP!! Unless you make it or rather your BF makes it. No need for a group chat or for any contact with BM at all. If he is not communicating with her anyway on the group chat what is the point except to fulfill some control issue of BM's. Your BF can communicate with his kids individually and really by phone call instead of group chats. People are getting way to lazy about conversation and phone calls and speaking to his kids would be better communication anyway. Not to mention every issue discussed does not need to be discussed with the group.
These kids are all adults including the 17 year and you do not need contact with BM unless it is an emergency or a serious situation that they need to discuss. She sounds alot like the BM in our life. If you give her access for emergencies or serious situations or even things parents should be able to discuss together, she will violate that and start contacting him for no reason and to chat etc.. Your BF needs to set boundaries and establish his own relationships with the kids. He needs to end this group chat or end his part by leaving the group and calling his kids himself.
Thanks everyone, I appreciate
Thanks everyone, I appreciate the feedback. Well to make matters worse, the other day, the 20yr old had a suicide attempt. She got admitted to the hospital involuntarily. I definitely feel for her, she’s a sweet girl. I hate to be selfish, but it just feels like this is only going to make things worse with BM constant communication. She even had the nerve to blame our relationship on the daughters anxiety issues. She goes around saying the daughter needs her father but he’s too busy focusing on me. Mind you he’s a good father & they share a lot with him. It’s like a sick jealousy, narcissistic disorder with her. She’s a in a relationship as well, it makes me wonder if her man sees her behaviors bc she is an obsessed control freak.
There is no nice way to end this
But it looks like DH iso playing BM game. He must cut off most of this contact. With a 20 yo and 17 yo there is not that much to talk about. DH is the reall problum
That 20 year old is an adult.
That 20 year old is an adult. If she's so messed up that she's suicidal then she needs professional help. If DH wants to be involved then he can talk to that professional. Same goes for BM. No need to compare notes. Clearly playing happy first family all these years didn't work so they can't use that as an excuse to continue.
So I replied to a message
So I replied to a message from BF phone that BM sent. I pretended to be him and basically told her that things with the kids need to be dealt with separately. She then sent a text back saying that she will be over at the house today to deal with us. How crazy is this?? I need to get away from this family!
Keep it short and sweet: No
Keep it short and sweet: No need to come and talk. I will contact xxxxxxxx directly.
Keep us posted. It sounds
Keep us posted. It sounds like your SO is afraid of her. I hope he is able to stand up for her and you don't have to fight this battle for him.
My ex was in constant
My ex was in constant unnecessary overly friendly communication with her ex/baby daddy too and he is a convicted felon for something that happened recently that he has a history of! Some of these parents really need psychological help. They don't really care about their kids. They care about themselves only.