Dating someone with a kid/grandparents have kid
Okay guys, so I've been in a relationship the last few months with a guy that has a kid. Me myself, I do not have kids but am fine being with someone who does. When we first got together he told me that I'd have to be involved with his son being that he works a lot and when he is home his time is spent with his son. Which is fine. Well as time has went on I've realized that his parents don't just watch his son while he's at work, they are his sons parents. His parents get uncomfortable when it comes time to take his son and spend time with him. They are used to my boyfriend living at their home, and him seeing his son spending time with him right there in front of them. It has gotten to the point to where when we see his son, he is still feeling the need to ask his grandparents before he does something. It is so awkward being there with all of them and the grandparents being parents instead of my boyfriend being the dad, as he should be. I'm starting to get bitter about the situation, because everything is perfect in our relationship and it's perfect when it's just us and his son. The dynamics make it awkward when we are all together. And it seems my boyfriend is more worried about not rocking the boat with his parents? That is his son! There is no custody agreement. The mother lives in another state and hardly calls. What should I do? And what should I tell him??? I can't be a big family with his parents. I came into this thinking it was just him and his son. But he wants me to sit there with all of them instead of us three doing our own thing?
Yikes, this is a giant red
Yikes, this is a giant red flag. Not only that he can't stand up to his parents, but that he can't parent his son alone - so if you should live together or marry, he will expect you to pick up where the grandparents left off.
You should tell him your concerns just as you have told us - what is his plan? Does he want to get custody of his son back? How will he deal with his parents thinking they are the boy's parents? What will he expect of you in terms of helping with his son?
The truth is, your BF has never really been a father, he's more like an uncle or big brother. How old is he? How old is the boy?
He is 30, and his son is 7
He is 30, and his son is 7 almost 8 years old. This all started when him and his ex split.. she said she wouldn't take custody of their son as long as he stayed with my bfs parents. There is no paperwork, nothing set in stone. That was almost 5 years ago. And I told him the same thing! I said don't come crying to me a few years down the road when your son is calling your parents mom and dad and you are the brother! He has talked about us getting our own place, and he thinks that will fix everything! But it won't, because like you said he won't step up to his parents! Not to mention, his parents... the grandparents, one is a step mom. The other is his dad. They weren't able to have kids of their own, so we have that too. He's basically gave his kid away!
Yes - and he did so because
Yes - and he did so because he didn't want the responsibility of raising him. Which is fine, he was only 23 - but he needs to own it and not blame his parents for that.
Another red flag is that if he does take custody from his parents, BM might come out of the woodwork and fight him for it, since she wanted the child with BF's parents - and why was that? Did she realize your BF was too irresponsible to be a good parent?
There are more red flags here than a North Korean parade. I'd reconsider this relationship.
"she said she wouldn't take
"she said she wouldn't take custody of their son as long as he stayed with my bfs parents"
That doesn't pass the sniff test. If she was determined to walk away from the baby, she was unlikely to impose conditions. Methinks this is just his "excuse" for not taking care of his son himself. What do you think?
Extricate yourself from this
Extricate yourself from this ASAP. Your bf has a son that he doesn't take care of. He still lives with his parents. He has no idea where the child's mother is so doesn't get CS for the child.
Why is he still living with his parents? Why isn't he taking care of his child? Where is his sense of responsibility? I understand that you are head over heels with him but you are still in the honeymoon phase, please take a long, hard look at how he deals with things and ask yourself what, and how much, he will expect fro you. Does he expect you to move into his parents home (!)? Will he agree to getting your own place? If so, will he expect you to take up the slack with his son once he doesn't have his parents around? Will he share household chores with you if he's used to getting everything done for him?
I'm not trying to paint a bleak picture here just trying to get you to see the big picture.
I ask the same thing! I told
I ask the same thing! I told him I will not live right next door to his parents nor live with them! I want my own life and I fully accept his son. He drives over the road so I guess when he was single it was easier for him to live with his parents, with his son. But things have gotten out of control at this point. He has basically given his parental rights up! And I don't understand how he can expect me to be involved when he isn't as involved as he makes himself out to be! It is absolutely ridiculous. And like I said everything is perfect when it's just him and his son.. but he won't step up to his parents. Not sure if you can see my comment to the previous comment before yours... but there's a little more insite to the situation. It has drove me crazy!!
And if he does take custody,
And if he does take custody, he'll expect you to parent, since he's gone all the time. Nope, not your job.
And it won't be "perfect" when he actually has to parent his son rather than be his pal.
"And I don't understand how
"And I don't understand how he can expect me to be involved when he isn't as involved as he makes himself out to be"
From where I'm sitting it seems crystal clear - he expects you to take over in the place of his parents ...thus letting him have his son with him without raising his little finger.
Exactly freaking this.
Exactly freaking this.
Time to move on, this is not
Time to move on, this is not the relationship for you.
Seriously girl, time to dump
Seriously girl, time to dump this overgrown mommas boy. Bleh.
Honestly, it sounds like you are questioning what you already know. I'm willing to bet your bf tries gaslighting you about this subject.
Are you familiar with that term (gaslighting). If not, please do a bit of research.
There is something wrong with your BF
He likes taking the easy way out. He rather be friends as in brother to his kids then there father. A real man would find another job so he can take care of his kids, Not just let his parents raise his kids as he is away all the time.
No one should want this type of relationship
Thanks guys!!! And yes he
Thanks guys!!! And yes he does try to make me question myself! By telling me he has a lot on his plate and "sorry I don't have the perfect situation you want" I told him, I said you need to be a dad whether I'm in the picture or not! You should be a parent no matter what! But y'all are right, he doesn't want to take responsibility. Whatever is easiest for him. When we have fought about this, for whatever reason he thinks spending more time and taking me out places just the two of us will make it better! I'm like dude are you retarded????? I just had to ask for advice because I feel in my heart that I mean good and only want best, but have felt that maybe I am wrong by the answers I get from him!
Seriously. Run like your life
Seriously. Run like your life depends on it...because, it does.
Gasp! He has a lot on his
Gasp! He has a lot on his plate?! OP, he has bugger all on his plate! Good grief, the man doesn't know he's living!
This is not a good situation.
This is not a good situation. It would be different if the kid stayed with his parent while he worked or something, but that is not the case. I agree with the poster that said there are so many red flags here. It will not be a perfect situation if it is just the three of you. Let's just say that your boyfriend does manage to set things up to your satisfaction. The three of you are living together. That is when the BM will come out from whatever rock she is hiding from to have a relationship with her child. In her mind, it is fine if it is the grandparents. If she sees another woman stepping in, she will cycle through all sorts of emotions..... jealousy is most likely the biggest. She may want to start her happy family with your BF. You are in for a world of drama if you continue on.
Your situtation is very
Your situtation is very similar to mine. Look back at my blogs. You will see similarities.
My husband was 20 when his son was born and lived with his parents BM pretty much bailed so my now DH and his son lived with his parents and they helped raise him. When I came into the picture SS was 7 and pretty much a good kid and looked at his dad as a dad. He also when to the g-parnets for a lot of things. He also learned when dad said no g-parents would say yes or his aunt. He never understood consqeunces, he got pretty much everything he wanted.
Anyway I will say in the begining DH would have to make time for me and it was not often so we talked on the phone alot. I did not meet his son till we had been dating for a few months and even then I was introduced as a friends. It wasnt until we were together for several months before we shared a bed with his son in the same house. It was awkard at times because it was his parents house.
One thing I did from the very begining was make it very clear on where I stood on moving in, how I would want it to be if I was expected to come in as a mom figure, I laid it all out. Basically I said I will never move into his parents house and I would not move to that area as my commute to work would be too far. I also made it clear that if he expected me to be a mom or parent I get full rights and we work as a team and if there are issues with how I parents he talks to me in private. I also made it very clear that would not tolerate his parents or anyone else stepping in and trying to parent while I did. Luckily my DH was good with all this but we have had our issues.
I say lay out your boundaries now and if he is good with them you will have to force him a little to hold them up but if he does not step up I would bail. If there is not BM in the picture, I would force him to get an agreement put in place. Remeber if you two move out you will need to understand fully what you are getting into. This little boy has never known what it is to have a mom, call someone mom. Yes he had a g-mom but believe me when I say it is not the same to him. I have been there.
You will have to stand up for yourself, you will have to be out spoken to your boyfriend. Should you two choose to live together you will constantly probably have to put the g-parents in their place. The key is that he backs you up and that you two are a team. He will still struggle to step up and be a parent and you may have to push. I have had to. It has taken DH and I a few years for both of us to ge tto a good parenting place. He has always had my back with the in-laws. It helps mine moved away as well. If you want some more advice or tips or have questions you can always send me a message.