I'll be forever thankful when YSS graduates HS...
DH has been trying for MONTHS to get added to YSS's online parent platform for school. He'd call, someone said he'd get a call back, he never did, etc. Eternal Teenager would forward him information, so it wasn't too much of an issue.
Well, that is until YSS started doing precisely zero school work while with ET. He has a hybrid schedule, so half of his schooling is entirely online and somewhat self-paced. He needs the structure of in-person learning OR at least having someone give him a timeframe daily of what needs to happen.
I cannot express how far behind he is, and ET has fallen back into her habit of only telling DH there is a problem when he picks up YSS EOWE. DH and YSS had a come to Jesus talk this weekend, and DH helped build a schedule for YSS to get caught up on his missing assignmentts AND build the new ones in.
To YSS's credit, he hasn't complained one bit about doing 12 hours of homework each day over the weekend. He sat downstairs with us to do it. DH told ET that YSS is staying here another week so he can get caught up (because ET doesn't do anything to help the problem other than yell, and apparently has turned YSS into her new beck-and-call boy and disrupts him all the time to get her a glass of water, her purse, a snack - she did the same with OSS, too). She didn't balk, which is good. But she can't help him during the day because she's SO TIRED from working a full time job.
Now, I don't fully blame ET for YSS not doing his work. He's 14 and has never really tried to figure out a system to get his stuff done. He's old enough that a lot of this is on HIM. He has been in therapy, been tested for ADHD, austism, etc. The only thing he has is a good brain (he's very intelligent) with bad habits (he's a procrastinator who ends up putting off too much and then gets overwhelmed and gives up).
ANYWAY, where I DO blame ET is, over the many years YSS has had homework, ET has never actually worked with him to find a solution or to get it done. EOWE, he'd show up with two weeks worth of homework that we'd work with YSS through. He'd do it mostly without complaint, but he needs help organizing the work and setting a pace. ET has NEVER helped with that because her solution is to always scream at a problem until it goes away.
Now, back on topic: Because YSS is so far behind, and because ET is SO TIRED now that she isn't sending updates anymore, DH called the school yet again and actually got to talk to a live person!
They said they can add him!
It'll only take a few minutes!
Except...OOPS! DH isn't listed as family. But ET's new husband that she's known for all of a year sure as hell is. DH took some very audible deep breaths over the phone, and the very nice lady at the school told him to hold on a second and she would see if they had ANY paperwork listing him as family.
Luckily, she found YSS's application for school that listed DH as the father, so she was able to add him.
DH is raging inside. He knows ET replaces him with the new men in her life. He didn't expect this to be any different. But he has gotten to the end of his rope with her in the past few months because her stupidity is now impacting the boys' futures. I think DH hoped for a really long time that they'd be able to forge their own paths, and OSS has. But YSS needs more help, and ET can't even help herself.
So, now DH has access to all the school info. I'm proud of the woman at the school for seeing through the BS (she saw DH was listed as the emergency contact, so it's not like he isn't allowed around his son) and trying to find a solution that didn't involve ET (because the other solution would have involved her having to sign off on him being family, or DH having a sit down with the school with his CO to get added).
Why does THIS have to be a battle? Why is crippling a kid so damn important?! I know there isn't a logical answer. This just seems like a really stupid power struggle. Money I get. Religious control I get. Visitation I get. But schooling? Why do you WANT your kids to be poor and stupid? What benefit is there in that???
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Dyfunctional creeps
Love to make sure that their kids don't ever do better than they did.
Besides, why encourage their kids to build good life skills when instead, they can just do what they want and have their kids depend on them entirely? They don't see the long term. It's about the immediate gratification.
Add to it the fun of making their X (in this case, your DH) miserable as they try to help the kid succeed, and it's the perfect entertainment for them.
Immediate gratification is
Immediate gratification is right! Thank you - your response just reinforces her nickname ever further.
Everything in her life is about immediate gratification. Need a new car and don't have a lot of money to maintain a vehicle? Can't buy a generic sedan that is cheap to maintain. Nope, gotta have a truck. Have a new boytoy that you've only known for a few weeks and need to get to know better? Psh, move his arse in, get engaged, and see if you can get him to the altar within 8 weeks! Don't have a penny to your name but get a fat tax check? Well, don't put that sh!t into savings when you can buy yourself discount Halloween decorations!
*eye roll*
Similar situation
I'm in a very similar situation, except for the fact that BM never tells DH when there is a problem.
My SSs are twins who just entered high school this year. Thanks to BM, who does not want to see her precious poopsies overtaxed by learning, they have managed to skate by for the first nine years of schooling without exerting much effort. They are also well below grade-level, which BM does not realize because she never understands information that is provided to her by the school (last year, she sent DH an email crowing about how one SS had seen the "highest" assessment score gains his teacher had ever seen, because he moved his reading lexile scores from a 3rd grade reading level to a 5th grade reading level...moving from the 7th to 8th grade). Both SSs have IEPs for "not otherwise specified - health issues"...meaning no official diagnosis for learning disabilities. This allows them to generally avoid any school work they would prefer not to do, because BM will "reach an agreement" with the resource room teacher. Last year, they both took all of their assessments in the resource room and their grades were miraculously updated at the end of term to As (one overzealous teacher made too many changes to marks in one SS's "gradebook" to move his average from a 65% to a 120%).
Last year, when school moved to remote, both SSs stopped logging in....neither logged in at all, not even when the middle school special ed teacher held a session to introduce them to the high school special ed teacher. I asked them about it briefly and they told me they "didn't have to" do any of the school work because it was "all review". I told them that I didn't think that was true and left it at that. Whenever I say anything to them about education, DH will get nasty messages about how I "make them feel bad" about education and they can't possibly face school because I have destroyed their self-esteem.
When they were in 5th grade, DH and I spent an entire semester calling them daily to work on homework over the phone. That was the only time that both kid ever turned in homework consistently. BM complained relentlessly about how DH was "disrupting" her time.
In my state, you need to earn 24 credits to graduate. SSs' school only has them take 6 credits per year, which means that they can't drop or fail any classes and still graduate on time. They also need to demonstrate the ability to do "college level" language arts and math in order to graduate. Right now, they are both in the resource room again for language arts, so that is not college level. There is one option that they might be able to meet. It's called "transition to college" math and language arts, but I don't even know if their school offers that option. The other options are passing the state assessment (neither has passed in the entire time I've known them), earning AP credit (nope), or taking a course at a local college through the programs offered to high school students (nope). I've also looked at both their schedules and currently, they each have two science classes, which I believe is too much for them, but again, BM is not paying attention and is clueless when it comes to education. Her only strategy is to go into the guidance office and cry when she wants something to change.
School is currently remote, but no marks have been posted, yet and the high school doesn't post attendance info for some reason, so I have no idea if either kid is logging on. If I had to guess, I would say, no...or if they are, they are not doing work. I know that BM has not logged on to the system, because one SS still owes $120 in fines for last year that have not been paid. Or if she has, she's just ignored the fines (she has plenty of money to pay them).
Despite all this, one SS (the one who has never expressed any interest in school and plays the victim whenever he is told that he needs to work harder) repeatedly demands to know if DH is going to pay for him to go to college (this is at BM's request). I want to laugh in his face and say, "college?! you can't even be bothered to do the work for 8th grade!"
I am forbidden on getting
I am forbidden on getting school emails since court 2018. Although, I do get SDs still. SO had himself, BM (naturally) and then myself, and his father as emergency contacts. We live less then a mile from both the high school and middle school. SOs parents live next door and are retired. I have a day off during the week same with SO.
BM had no problem with this when we were "cool" she would bring her then bf(now husband) to parent teacher conferences for SD when she was in elementary just to put on a show for the teachers. I didn't attend these.
Now, SO always handle things with school. BM attended SS17 504 meetings twice a year and that's really the only involvement she did. So, I made a power school account. I DID NOT mark myself as a parent but as, fathers significant other. (That's an option and clearly that's what I am!)
Well, when we had our falling out BM went on a rampage and called the middle school and high school and got me deleted and SO deleted from power school. LOLLLL BM!! she even emailed teachers stating my email and saying this is her ex husbands gf and I were to have NO communication about her son!! That was a the first email she ever sent to any teacher haha.
The assistant principle called SO and basically apologized and he was going to make sure she didn't get him deleted ever again.
SO went to both schools and had his power school fixed etc.
I wasn't trying to overstep BM, I was just trying to help skids because I live with them. SS17 was the only one with school issues so I would just tell SO because he is not the best with that stuff but, since then I haven't asked SS17 a single thing about school work in 2 and half years. Totally disengaged with that. I've always helped SD with her work honestly since day 1 and I'm not going to stop helping her.
EDIT: my favorite thing she did this past year was SD forgot to turn something in via online and the teacher emailed. This email went to myself and BM. Normally she would forward them to SO saying this shouldn't have gone to"her"
This time though she replied to the teacher and myself (she always tries to make herself sound professional) but, she must have called SD, ya know because she hasn't taken the skids going on 3 years now, and said how she spoke to her blah blah, she signed it though "warm reguards" and with SOs last name.
The kicker was her email address has her new last name LOL. So she did that clearly to just jab me.
Gads. Thank goodness your DH
Gads. Thank goodness your DH is determined to get YSS 'up and running' so he can get ahead in life.
ET (Eternal Tw*t...) and her Why do you WANT your kids to be poor and stupid? caca remind me of BioHo. 'Ho would be sooooo much happier if the skids never moved out. Each time a skid moved out, 'Ho did her damndest to try and get them to move back in - pestering my DH to help make it happen. 'Ho even encouraged SS21 to fail bootcamp because he could "move back home, turn the basement into an apartment, and inherit the house".
SS17 graduates HS next year and is fiending to flee the 'Ho House (and has been talking about moving to Arizona for over 2 years now). I imagine it will be the same ol' song and dance, with 'Ho pitching a hissy fit and begging DH to run interference. Ish.