Saying I love you

Forums:

Hello step parents

I've had an ongoing internal struggle with one of my step kids for the last couple of years. I have theee step kids, two are girls and one is a boy. The middle girl is my most favorite kid, yes I know you shouldn't have a favorite but que sera. I do a lot of fun projects with all the kids, this kid is most like me, loves crafting, projects, activities, etc. she's asks for time with just her and I, mostly because she craves the attention and she knows how to be a master manipulator as her mom has programmed her to do so.

anyways to the point. My husband and I have been married for a year and a half and together for over three years. We tuck the kids in every night after prayers, hug, kiss, say goodnight and I love you. The middle SK, who again is my best buddy... just sits in silence with no response. I know most of it is her mother as HCBM has told the kids that she would be mad if they loved me more than her and that she is their only mom. Yah yah, super insecure BM. I know you shouldn't force kids into giving out love and affection but every so often it hurts and gets to me. I bring it up to my husband and he says well everyone shows affection differently and words shouldn't validate her feelings. I respond with, if you're in a (adult) relationship with someone and they never tell you that you love them, would you remain with them? I know I wouldn't. My immediate knee jerk only child reaction wants to stop doing so much, not going out of my way to come up with projects and fun activities. Why should I, if you don't love me, why should I do things for you?

has anyone been through this? How do you handle it and find another way to get your husband to understand? Mind you, both sides of the family are very affectionate, talk openly about issues, so it's not like we aren't an affectionate family.

Well - maybe she doesn't love

Well - maybe she doesn't love you? I mean, maybe she likes you, but it doesn't rise to the level of love like she feels for her parents.

You really can't compare that to a romantic relationship. It's apples and oranges.

Sounds like she's just being

Sounds like she's just being honest?

I have a pretty strong relationship with my SD and she has never said "I love you" to me - nor I to her. It would feel forced. Especially in a good night ritual.

10 years on

And I have never once told any of the 3 skids in my life that I love them. They are good skids for the most part, but I don't love them particularly. I care about them and want them to be successful. But I don't feel the same way about them that their dad does. They've never said it to me either.

IMHO, forcing these types of declarations on anyone is ripe for disaster. There are more ways to show you care than three words. I say back off and let the relationship flow naturally. Why do you need more than a pleasant good night?

Same

Does it matter? Surely the

Does it matter? Surely the good rapport you have is the important thing. I never said to either of my bio parents that I loved them - mind you my generation just didn't (I am 63).

It's true - my parents NEVER

It's true - my parents NEVER said it when we were young. We knew we were loved, but it wasn't said every 5 minutes like it is now. My father hit his 50s or 60s and started telling us that he loved us. My mother has only very rarely done so, and in writing.

I mean this as kindly as

I mean this as kindly as possible, but I do hope you recognize the hypocrisy and irony of calling BM insecure for having similar insecure feelings you do about the relationships these kids have with other adults.

Your SKs aren't a romantic partner. They have no obligation to reciprocate a relationship. So long as they are respectful and civil, they're doing their part.

You have a choice in how you respond. If you DO love and care for them, and you LIKE doing these things for them, and they SHOW their appreciation (even if they don't say it), then I don't see why there is a need to be petty and not do those things because they aren't performing the theatrics of caring. If you feel unappreciated or like you're overstepping, then by all means, stop. But because they don't say "I love you"?

I'm a COD, and telling another adult that I loved them was hard. Telling my SF that I loved him felt like I was betraying my dad. Referring to my SBro as my "brother" felt like I was betraying my dad. When my dad had a long-term GF, I felt like I was betraying my mom when she took me and a friend out for a "girls day". Even now, in my 30s, as a SM, I hesitate to mention caring about my SF to my dad because I don't want to hurt him. Feelings of loyalty and worry that you'll hurt your parents run DEEP in CODs.

You can't control how your SKs react to your love for them. All you can do it control yourself. If you want to stop trying because you view love aas a transaction and don't feel you're getting compensated for the value you add, then stop. But don't act like you're owed an "I love you" or love just because you say and show it.

They are not your kids. They

They are not your kids. They have a mother that they love. Why do so many SMS attempt to replicate a mother/child relationship when the real mother is alive and well? I wouldn't be happy with another woman expecting my kids to express their love for her. Do you have your own children?

This too shellpell

Replicate

You must have kids of your own since you seem so upset that another parent loves the kids they care for and nurture and help educate them 50% of their time. Just because another parent comes along, or say a née cousin is born into the family, does that kid have less love for everyone else if they now love a née member of their family.

Apples and oranges. A parent

Apples and oranges. A parent is not a cousin. You are not their parent. I am not my skid's mother. He is not my child. I could never replace or even replicate the relationship and vice versa. There is no bond stronger than the bond between biological mother and child. You are fooling yourself into thinking that your relationship is even close. Of course there are exceptions, like when the bio mom is dead, absent, or extremely toxic. Have your own child and you'll figure it out the difference really quickly.

No, but cousins get jealous

No, but cousins get jealous and insecure when they start having to share or feel less special in their relationship with their favored cousin. Same with siblings.

A parent feeling insecure about their place with their child, especially after divorce, is normal. How they act on those feelings can be unhealthy, especially if the parent either actively making the child feel guilty for loving someone new OR wanting to disengage as "punishment" for not being loved enough/correctly.

OP, if you view yourself as another parent, then you have to accept that even as a parent, a kid isn't obligated to like or love you. They aren't obligated to hug you. They aren't obligated to tell you they love you.

If you want the perks of being a parent, then you have to act like a parent. Pulling away how you show love and how you act in love (basically, when you stop actively loving them) because a child you view as your own doesn't say "I love you" is unhealthy and unfair. What you're teaching them is that they don't actually have to care about people so long as they say they do. That's not a good lesson to teach kids.

It's fine that you love them.

It's fine that you love them. It's not fine that you want them to love you back for acting like another mother to them, and not just to like you as a stepmother, or even as "Dad's wife".

You are choosing to tuck them in and care for them and educate them - they didn't choose you to become part of their lives. They may or may not ever love you. And the ones who say they do may just be saying it because it's what's said before bedtime in their house. Don't hold them hostage to give you back the feeling of being a mom because you CHOOSE to do nice things for them. They didn't ask you to.

You'd be wise to get a little perspective here and stop thinking that someone marrying their father makes you another mom to them. It doesn't. If you're lucky, you'll keep at least a positive relationship with them, but sometimes even that is impossible.

^^THIS, what LD wrote. Every

^^THIS, what LD wrote. Every word of it^^

OP is still dating bio dad.

OP is still dating bio dad. Bio reports she is still trying to navigate all of this.

We’re married

We got married last year, I need to update my bio

I am more about the actions

I am more about the actions of love than the words. This Skid craves time with you, engages with you lovingly, and clearly does love you.

I would rather see the love than hear about it.

Show me, don't tell me, is far more powerful than gum flapping with no actions of love.

Maybe your "I love you" is

Maybe your "I love you" is TOO close for her. Maybe not. Maybe she's uncomfortable saying it, could be all sorts of reasons.

I think you recognize that your reaction to just stop doing nice things for her is petty. If you enjoy doing things with her, and she enjoys them too, then you're doing fine. I'd never force a child to say "I love you." Her ability to express that emotion will come in time.

Why not switch up the routine if this bothers you so much? Her dad can say "I love you" and you can say "Sweet dreams, SugarBunny." Something like that.

SS never says love you to me.

SS never says love you to me. I don't think I can handle if he ever says it so I am grateful for him NOT to say it. It is probably also because I don't "love" him, at least I don't think I ever could the way I love my own.

I in general don't like kids as much, so I don't really care if they like me or even love me.

If you enjoy tucking them to bed and have all the activities you should keep doing it, but not doing it so that they will one day tell you they love you. (They might, we never know) You should do it because YOU WANT TO. In that case whether they say love to you or not wouldn't matter.

We are step parents here and

We are step parents here and many of us know what it feels like to be on a one way street. Easier said than done, but I recommend letting go of the rope on this one.

If at some point she verbally expresses love, great. If not, that's okay too.

Wait for the teen years, when stuff gets all upside down w kids! You will be wishing for this problem

SS5 tells me he loves me

SS5 tells me he loves me quite often, but I've been in his life since he was 3. And BM was MIA for quite some time. I know he doesn't love me like he loves his mom, and that's ok. Sometimes I often wonder if I love the kid.....or just want what's best for him. Sometimes when we have "moments" I'm like aww he's a really good kid. And then sometimes I'm like oh hell no satan spawn- go back to your mother. Lol. I say don't force things, you can show love, you can be a good person- you can say it if you feel it and not expect anything in return, just be prepared TO not get anything in return if she's not into it.

I don't think it should ever

I don't think it should ever be forced to tell somebody you love them. If middle childs lack of words makes you want to pull back, then by all means do so, you didn't exactly describe the child in a loving way anyway, more of a manipulator, so it's not a stretch to belive the kid can't manipulate when true emotions are in play...yet!

Spawn and I never said I love you to one another, and I pretty much raised her from the time she was 10-16. I cared about her, but there was no real love. It's okay to like your step kids you don't have to love them.

Please do not force a child

Please do not force a child or anyone for that matter to meet your needs.

Maybe I am misunderstanding you. I sincerely dont want to do that.

LOVE is an action or actions. NOT just 3 words.

They are so over used. It is actually sad.

Love you, LOVE YOU, love you, I love you...LOVE YOU MORE, love you...love you most,

JMO of course

Yep.

Don't tell me, show me.

Of course if you are showing me and want to tell me, that is fine.

My parents were all in on showing rather than telling. Though they certainly did tell us they loved us.

You are here