One of DHs co-workers came to our house to process firewood along with his wife and sons. He brought his wife and we watched the guys from a distance. I had never met the woman before but we got along and started chatting. 

She told me about her oldest son, who she had as a teen and how her parents adopted him and even once she got herself established they continued to raise him, they ended up alienating her from her son. She eventually got married and had her other two sons. She complained that her oldest son is spoiled, entitled, lazy and not at all like how she wanted him raised. Her parents treated him like grandparents not actual parents. The grandparents are now too old and the oldest son (20) now lives in her basement with his GF, doesn't have a job or pay rent, refuses to even look for a job and oh... She finds pregnancy tests all the time because he and his equally unemployed 18 year old GF are "trying for a baby."  She feels trapped with a monster her own parents made and alienated from her. 

Wow that's a lot for a first meeting! Anyway her younger kids are wonderful. Respectful, helpful, happy, polite, funny... Well adjusted great kids. So her being able to do a better job of parenting is not just theory. 

Afterwards my husband asked how I got along with his co-workers wife and I mentioned the above. He got another version from his co-worker who is the boys stepdad, though I think the couple was very much on the same page about the older son. I said:

"It's so refreshing to be able to talk to people who are honest about their kids and parenting. I respect people a lot more if they can be real about things rather than just talk about how perfect and amazing their kids are. No kid is perfect." I then have our toddler a look and told her she was near perfect haha. 

DH immediately went on the defensive about SD (who was even talking about her?) He admitted he does spoil her and then tried to explain he will also switch to being a hardass with her (on occasion he will make her do something she whines avout but he NEVER disciplines her). It made me realize that he feels much the same as this woman does about her older son. Frustrated, no control, he doesn't even know her, and he had no influence on who she's becoming, and he blames someone else for how she is. The biggest thing though is disappointment. I think he took it very personally because he knows that he doesn't ever say bad things about SD even though it's apparent he very much thinks them. Maybe if he could get real about it I would respect him more as SDs parent. Since having our toddler I know he is ok talking realistically with everyone about the good and bad of her, but still won't breathe a breath of negativeity about SD. 

He knows he's a hypocrite. I wasn't even calling him out, but he's knows he can't speak I'll of SD because it's like admitting to a failure and it hurts his pride. Now that we have DD the hypocricy is obvious even to him. I think he realized that he is fooling no one when he speaks glowingly of SD who doesn't live with us but complains about our toddler.