Question SS asked DH to “prove it” regarding BM using a egg donor...should he??
Ok over 1 year ago I posted how DH told SS that SS came from a egg donor and BM was NOT his Biological mom. See old post. Yes dick move and I told DH. SS did not really seemed bothered by this information and never told BM or mentioned in again till now.
About a month ago SS now 13 brought it up out of the blue. SS13 told DH he thinks DH is lying and it would not be the first time DH lied to him. Not sure what SS meant by saying DH lied to him before. DH told him it's not a lie but the truth and SS13 came back telling DH to prove it then and SS wants to see paperwork that says this. DH then said whatever believe it or not and that was the end of the conversation.
Month later and neither SS or DH has mentioned it again. So DH does NOT like the fact SS thinks DH is lying about this and wants to clear it up. So DH wants to show SS13 paperwork that proves SS came from a egg donor. Now I don't know if that's a good idea to stick legal paperwork in SS face that says BM is NOT really the BM. But I'm not sure just dropping it is a good idea either as Obviously SS was still thinking about what DH said over a year later. Plus if I was DH I would want to know what other lies SS thinks DH has told him.
So should DH just let it go or bring it up again??
Why did he bring this up in
Why did he bring this up in the first place?? Not the kind of thing once it's spoken about you "just don't bring up again."
Exactly What this Lady said
Why on earth would you tell a 12 year old.
I mean WTF I would guess this will not help with selfesteem and worth issue.
I am shocked.
Gobsmacked Jake
DH felt SS should know the truth
I think it was more to make a dig at BM. Since SS acted like it was no big deal DH figured no harm done.
This is a really crap human
This is a really crap human thing to do. I would have a hard time reconciling being in love with someone capable of this.
My opinion only, but if the
My opinion only, but if the BM does not already know that your DH spilled the beans on this, I think DH needs to let her know, and give her some input in how this is handled.
DH opened this can of worms,
DH opened this can of worms, and he needs to follow through on it. SS is probably feeling out of sorts and isn't sure who or what to believe.
So, yes, DH needs to sit down with his son, apologize for telling him this all so flippantly, show him the proof, tell SS that it doesn't change how BM cares about him, and tell BM of his eff up of telling SS. Then, your DH needs to see out parenting help and likely counseling to find out why he thought telling his son in the way he did was a good idea AND put together a plan to help SS cope with however he feels about it.
This is much bigger to SS and BM than it will ever be to DH since DH knows he is SS's father. He needs to own up that he has caused a lot of hurt and confusion in his own son and fix it.
Well your DH needs to follow
Well your DH needs to follow through, apparently he had his reasons for shattering the illusions of his sons life, he might as well finish it and be honest from here on in.
the papers do not prove who
the papers do not prove who the legal parents are. BM may not be his BIOLOGICAL mother genetically.. but she IS his legal and in fact since she birthed him.. semi-biological.
Your husband should own up to BM that he spilled these beans... and he should tell her if he is going to show paperwork.. that only shows BM didn't genetically produce the egg.. that is it.. she is still his mother.. no less..
and yes.. a huge dbag move.
My guess - BM told him that
My guess - BM told him that DH lied and it is not true. He already spilled the beans. There is no harm in showing SS the truth now.
Hmmm maybe but VERY Unlikely
I say that because BM LOVES to fight and throw shit in DH's face. If BM got wind of this it's highly unlikely she would keep it to herself. BM would have at the very least called DH screaming and pitching a huge fit. Not like her to just keep quiet
What kind of selfish piece of
What kind of selfish piece of crap parent would lay this kind of unnecessary information on their 12-year-old kid??? Obviously, he was trying to drive a wedge between the kid and his mom but all he's done is create drama and doubt for a child. Now he's thinking about digging out the legal/medical papers? What the H#ll is he trying to accomplish or prove?! It won't make anything better between the kid and dad. If anything kid will hate dad for all of this. I'd tell DH to drop it. Tell kid that he has nothing. It's not DH's place to show those to a 13-year-old boy. Also, DH could be defying his CO which likely states something about not badmouthing or driving a wedge between the other parent. I can only imagine the ugliness if it were ever brought before the court that DH showed his 13 yr old legal papers stating that BM was not his bio mom. It wouldn't be good for DH. Inflicting emotional trauma on a child and so much more...
He needs to fess up to BM about what he did so she can deal with this on her end. This should have been a conversation with kid when he reached adulthood or started a family of his own. I hope you don't have any big secrets that DH knows. Obviously he doesn't care who he hurts.
You already know what a dick
You already know what a dick move it was to tell him anything about using an egg donor. BM is BIRTH MOTHER. Even as horrible as a person as BM is, she is his birth mother. She just needed a little help to bring him into the world. Even if he was adopted, she is still his mother. He was wanted by both his parents before he ever existed. But moving on...
Your husband needs to own up to BM what he did and they need to talk to him together about this. There are medical reasons why he may need to know that BM's family history won't help him later in life and he may need to be more proactive with preventive care. But he has 2 parents that love him and just needed a little science to bring him into this world.
I am of the opinion that kids
I am of the opinion that kids should know the truth. Whether it is about adoption, paternity and unfortunately, now, donors.
Tell the kids the truth as soon as possible. In a gentle loving way, maybe with help from therapist?? Why is this topic, adoption, paternity, donor such a taboo area?
Otherwise you have these challenges.
Sooner or later ss would have found out.
Maybe, just maybe that is why dh told his boy verses finding out by some family jerk who has been busting at the chops waiting to let it rip. There is always one of those, lurking behind the buffett table...at family cookouts or family reunions. Ohhhhh you look so much like your ** are you interested in finding your real bio parent? HEY Gertrude, doesn't ss look just LIKE his dad I would have NEVER guessed his mom was , you know a test tube mom?
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH you didn't know?
*sorry op that you have to experience this* (((HUGS)))
It wasn't his place. At the
no it's not taboo but it wasn't his place. At the very least he could discuss with BM that he intends to share it. He clearly didn't do it out of a noble intention. He did it because he is an a$$
open and honest
This!
Donation (egg and sperm) and adoption should be up front at the beginning. It should be part of the story you tell the child from the beginning. The child doesn't need the complete details, but it shouldn't be a secret or something you'll tell 'when they are old enough'. The longer you wait, the less likely you are going to say they are old enough. It gets harder as they age.
I have no idea of DH's motivation, but to this outsider, it looks like 'I'm your real parent, she isn't. DH can't take back the absolute truth of egg donation so now he needs to help his son navigate this. I second a therapist to help SS deal with the emotions that are swirling within and colliding with those of puberty.
DH is also going to have to be honest and tell BM what he did. SS's emotional dealing with this is going to spill over to her house (if it hasn't already done so) even if SS has not mentioned it to her yet.
Exactly. Then the truth doesn
Exactly. Then the truth doesn't come out in a negative way - like this. Adoption and other unusual birth circumstances should just be part of the kid's life story, that they know from the beginning. I'm sure there are "Mommy is Mommy even though we used an Egg Donor!" books out there for little kids.
I'm sure there are "Mommy is
Why our family tree is scrambled...because Mommy used an Egg Donor! Yes, I like this ;)
I'm not sure how important it
I'm not sure how important it is for a thirteen-year-old boy to know that his biological mother sold her genetic material and stripped to pay her way through nursing school. Don't get me wrong, I would LOVE to read a children's book about that! I just don't think a hormonal kid needs that knowledge.
What a jerk. My question is
What a jerk. My question is why are you with such a lowly human being
Honestly, he should have been
Honestly, he should have been told this from birth, so it was no big deal, just part of his story. And the way DH did it was wrong, but you know that already.
I'd say that yes, he needs to tell him the full story and alert BM that he's doing so.
You said he told this boy a
You said he told this boy a year ago. First off I would want to know from your husband why he needed to tell him this.. What was his reason.Did he do this out of anger? Did he do this to get back at his ex? That is just as important as SS wanting to see proof. Of course he needs to show proof. SMH You don't throw out a lie or truth like that at an 11 year old. I feel bad for SS. Show him the truth and make things right with this boy.
Facts are neither good nor
Facts are neither good nor bad. They are merely facts.
What manipulative moves has BM made to have d DH roll out this particular fact?
Since DH has played this card, he should follow through.
IMHO of course.