I am not alone !
Hello everyone,
I am so thankful to have found this forum. For the longest time I've felt alone in the battle with being a step mom. I'm a mom of 10 kids ( yup 10).
My husband has 6 kids from two marriages, and I have 4 children from one marriage.
When I met my husband I knew I was taking on 6 extra little humans, and we'd have days where we would end up on the brink of insanity. Between the noise levels, fighting, and not to mention the grocery bill we do have days where a bottle of wine is required at the end of the night.
Here is where my battle begins, since my children where little I have taught them respect, manners, and to be self sufficient. They wake up for school on their own, they make their own lunches, and get themselves ready. They clean up after themselves for the most part, but most of all they are very respectful to the adults in their lives.
That's not to say they are saints, trust me my kids do have bad days and can be a bit of a pain.
The issue is when my husbands kids come stay with us, it's complete chaos!!!
The respect level is not there. All of his kids have been "babied" by their mother's.
For example the 12 year old won't even get himself ready for school, nor will he ever clean up after himself.
At the dinner table all his children chew with their mouth open, all leave their plates on the table, no one helps clean up.
Now for the real kicker my step son (6 years old) throws such severe tantrums when he doesn't get his way. He begins to punch my kids, screams so loud to the point the neighbors have asked questions.
When I put him in time out he screams at me saying " I f**ing hate you, I wish you'd die."
His moms solution is to say " It's okay baby I will get you what you want." No consequences for his actions.
My other step son never takes responsibility for anything he does. He broke a Tv right infront our eyes by throwing a controller though it. Denied the whole thing! When I tried to disapline he starts with the fake tears. My husband says it's okay we'll get a new tv.
The stress at home keeps mounting. I'm a nurse who like many healthcare workers are feeling the stress of COVID-19. Perhaps that's why patients are running thin, but I honestly dread when my step kids come 3 days a week. I can't stand being here with them some days. I love my husband but he is quick to defend his own children when I speak with him.
Help please !!!!!!
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Comments
I'm not seeing a big
I'm not seeing a big difference between "It's OK baby I'll get you what you want" and "It's OK we'll get a new TV." Both BM and your DH are failing at parenting. Kids who are ill mannered, disrespectful, disobedient and unhelpful do not tend to be likeable. It's no wonder you dread when they come over.
If your husband continues to defend his children when you point out legitimate areas that need improvement, rather than stepping up his parenting and correcting the problems, you're in for a lifetime of stress and misery. It's not just until they're all 18 - ill behaved, disrespectful children often turn into ill behaved, disrespectful adults.
Perhaps the two of you should get some marital counseling from someone with experience in blended families. Maybe your DH would be more inclined to listen to and take to heart a 3rd party calling him out on his poor parenting. In the meantime, stop cleaning up after his children. If they leave their plates on the table, ask your husband to please clean up after them. Let him handle their messes and clean their rooms. He should, of course, also handle their tantrums. Maybe if you stop functioning for him he'll start correcting the behavior. Of course, if this continues to negatively affect your kids (for instance, the 6 year old stepbrat hitting them), it might be time to consider living separately .
Very well put !
I completely agree with you a 100% !
If this behaviour continues DH children will end up being this way as adults. I have sat both the DH and his ex wife down to discuss this. All I get from both is yea, yea, okay.
The issue is the skids reside 4 out of the 7 days with their mom. The mother who gives into everything, and I mean everything.
The skids will scream, throw things, and she picks up after them non stop.
I do NOT have the time to clean non stop. I just don't. I am still a mom of my own 4, and I work 12 hour shifts.
Due to the behaviours I don't love my skids, and like I had mentioned I dread them coming. I feel guilty for feeling this way.
They can still behave better
They can still behave better in your house for those 3 days. BM here is a no rules-no consequences-you're my best friend-kid in adult status-heres a $100 to bribe you to go to school but you can still skip school every Monday-you are a victim-take this pill to be happy kind of mom. With her they ran wild and ran the show at her house. DH is a much firmer parent and we had better behavior in our house even with SS who is legit psychotic. And we had them 3 days a week. They have since been completely alienated b/c BM convinced them that parenting them is abuse.
Your DH can get them to behave in your home if he would actually parent them regardless what goes on at BMs house.
It really astounds me me how
It really astounds me me how some people can parent.
I have tried my very best but I think an ultimatum has to come.
Your REAL problem
Is with your DH. He not parenting his kids. He letting them get away with this behavior. Unless he. Actually starts parenting and stops this insane behaves. Nothing is going to happen.
You can read these boards and see many SP are in the madness. Where they have to leave the marriage to get peace. And turn there kids into normal adults.
Looks like you have a long bumpy road ahead of you. Other people in this same nonsense household does not do you any good.
That is one thing I don't
That is one thing I don't want to have to do, leave another marriage. Unless things change I may have no choice.
We have 2 of the skids today ( the worst ones), I will see how it goes. I told the DH he needs to shape up or ship out. If he continues to not parent and let's things slide he's letting our marriage slide.
It would be easier with that
It would be easier with that many children if you did not have them all at once. Would it be possible to only have the Skids during the day or for short outings. Perhaps some quality time with just your DH and two skids at a time maybe away from the home. You have enough to deal with with work and your own children.
We have thought about
We have thought about splitting them up. The issue is my 4 live with us full time ( their father takes them when he feels like it). The other issue is we work 4 on 4 off 12 hour shifts ( nurses), so that doesn't leave a lot of wiggle room. We normally have the skids on my days off. Some days I feel like I can't get a break.
Is your DH off too? You
Is your DH off too? You shouldn't be home with skids while their dad is at work.
HIS kids are at your house on
HIS kids are at your house on your days off? Not HIS days off? Get that one changed pronto. His kids, his problem.
You feel like you can't get a break because you DON'T get a break. You are overfunctioning for both the parents and that will burn you out. Plus, your job is stressful in ordinary circumstances, and now add on a pandemic.
I know a lot of nurses. Almost every one of them overfunctions for someone -- spouse, kid, parent, coworker, boss, someone. Because that's how nurses are put together. The ultimate helper with a brain who runs into the storm with a toolkit of solutions. Your husband simply MUST parent his kids if you have any hope of keeping your marriage (and sanity) together.
I don't even know what to say
I don't even know what to say except no wonder you don't feel all warm and fuzzy about them. Until their *dad* gets their behavior under control, it sounds like a nightmare.
Exactly !!!! I thought I was
Exactly !!!! I thought I was just being cold hearted at first.
Don't get sucked into society
Don't get sucked into society's pressure that we should love our skids for no other reason than their bio parents do. Emotions don't work like that. There's no way you can successfully force your brain into loving spoilt, violent, slobby brats. But don't hold them 100% responsible for their behaviour. Behind a failed skid is at least one failed parent. You've done a good job with your 4 bios and in your shoes I would find it hard to respect my husband as a person, a parent and a partner if his inaction with his kids results in a failure to protect me.
I can relate. I am also a
I can relate. I am also a nurse and have 4 kids. DH has 3. Mine are here full time and are pretty good kids. Like you said, can have issues like any kid, but have manners and respect, and know how to be calm. When stepkids are here, and they are all boys, it's a whole other level, it is like a circus. The noise level, fighting, and level of disrespect are issues for them too. I do see DH attempting to fix these issues, but he can be inconsistent and let some things go. Not correct them when they continually brag or become bossy and entitled. I think he gives them too much say at times. These are some areas DH lacks, but he and I are on the same page mostly and if I bring up an issue he doesn't get as defensive as he used to.
For us, BM is also contributing to her kids poor behavior, and because they are back and forth so much, I think this causes them to act up more. I've noticed when mine are with their dad and it's just stepkids, his are not quite as bad. I think having so many kids together causes them to need so much more attention. Maybe if you can separate some of the kids during those three days? Our every other weekend with them all is exhausting. I try to get my weekends to work to be when his are here if possible, honestly, whenever that works. And I try to do occasional family activities all together even if it's at the house, so we have some time together. Because I know this is important to DH.
But I try to limit going out in public with his as much as possible. I'm sure you understand why. And we have to drive separately anyway so it's a good excuse. I also refuse to go on vacation with his. We now do a separate vacation with our own kids, and one with just DH and I. I'm not putting myself or my kids through that. We tried before doing more things all together and have found it just doesn't work because of his kids behavior and the amount of kids.
I also try to spend some time when his are here with one or all of my kids, depending on which one needs a break, even just running errands. Which is what I'm already planning for tomorrow. Already a part of Friday and full day together yesterday and I'm at my limit.
If DH is contributing to his kids' bad behavior, would he be open to counseling? We did this and it helped him to hear from an outside source who is an expert in blended families. And just bring up the main issues without making him defensive. For me it is the noise and fighting. DH is working on, not like I would but better. The general level of respect and attitude his have even to him, that I almost feel like is a lost cause some days. I speak up when they talk back or affect me or my kids. Or openly defy DH. But if he is ok with them being a certain way, it's on him and they are growing up not learning the right social skills so they are the ones who will ultimately suffer and won't have many friends.
I also tell DH, I will help out with his kids in certain situations but mostly he is responsible for them and I for mine. If he's going to run an errand, he will take at least one of his kids if possible because he knows what a pain they are and doesn't want to upset me. Make sure you're not getting stuck with too much responsibility. I agree with OP who said we nurses sometimes take on too much. It's in our nature to want to help. But if we don't care for ourselves we will end up getting burned out. Don't forget your self care and to stand up for yourself.
Glad to find another stepmom with such a similar situation, albeit a stressful one. Most people just can't understand.
Thank you !
Thank you so much for commenting ! I'm so glad I'm not alone in this. It sounds like our situations are so similar.
You made some very valid points with outings and vacation.
I know my H is against going on Vacation without all the kids, because he feels like we are leaving kids out. To be honest I can't stand his 6 boys. I would NEVER vacation with them. 10 kids on vacation are you kidding?! That's a recipe for disaster, plus it's a sure way of spending two weeks in a psych ward once the "vacation" was over.
I have told my H counselling is a must come January! We have so many amazing times together but due to our issues with kids they over shadow the good.
I told him one of our main issues is one of the SS. He has special needs but not to the extent he can't get disaplined and taught wrong from right. My SS is such an instigator. He teases people, he makes fun of the other kids, but then says it wasn't me.
SS has the stupid look on his face when he gets in trouble and then starts the crocodile tears.
The other day SS began teasing my youngest son to the point my son clocked him in the face. Of course SS took no responsibility and said he's beating me. I told SS he deserved it, and H said that was to harsh.
I'm in a unique situation because BM and I have a very good relationship. We are close friends now. We worked hard to put our differences aside to give all the kids a ex's drama free life.
Even after the BM had an affair with my ex husband.
One major rule I set in place this September was that his kids can not be in our home when I'm on my 4 day rotation. For the simple fact that I work 12 hour days, 2 days and 2 nights. My kids understand they have to be quiet when mom is on nights so I can sleep. His kids use it as an opportunity to be louder then normal.
My H is a nurse too, I told him if I'm not a 100% on the ball during my shifts because of the kids it could be detrimental. Especially when I'm working in the NICU. He understood and agreed no SK on my rotations.