SS has had multiple therapists and psychiatrists since the age of 10. Personally, I think thats part of the issue. I mean, he definitely has issues and needs lots of mental help, but I think his parents have used all the diagnoses as a way to not set appropriate consequences for his actions. They explain away his behaviors and actions due to his impulsiveness and lack of executive function. But, I think it's bull. He is manipulative and thinks out his plans. He knows what he's doing is wrong, but there is limited consequence, so why stop. Neither parent is effective at taking things away from him. In fact, he usually ends up gaining items when he behaves poorly because he manipulates and his parents feel guilt and buy him something. DH refuses to call the police on SS, even though I suggest that every single time I'm told of SS stealing. All I can do these days is watch the train wreck and roll my eyes at the aftermath.

I agree that a launch plan is needed. I think DH has good intentions but bad implementation. Like, he is currently monitoring all of SS's school work since its all virtual and he has access to all of it, so SS is getting all As and Bs. He tells me proudly how well SS is doing, but DH is the one who is acing high school, not SS. I don't know how DH can help launch SS without me also being pissed because I will pick up all the slack with our kids. This always happens. DH will try to help SS but it is such intensive time and work that I get angry for feeling like a single parent to my kids. And, SS could not do any of it without DH's constant badgering, so he's not preparing him to launch at all even though he thinks he is.

I am trying my best to make the situation bearable for myself and my kids. SS barely spends time with us. He spends his whole time in his basement bedroom when he's here. That's why only SD had to deal with SS's pervertedness/weirdness. When she lived with us, she had a bedroom in the basement as well. The rec room is in the basement as well and his sister's room is now his virtual school room. Now, no one is on the basement except SS. I only assume that he regularly does things that should be done in private all over the basement.

Leaving DH now would be unbearable to me. Not because of DH, but because I now have oversight in the house. I would be a wreck not knowing what was going on and not being able to protect my kids. The kids are now too young to realize that things are not normal, but yes, give it a few years and my oldest will figure it out.

My original plan was not an exit plan, but was a plan to get away from SS. We would to move to a different area and just give BM so much money that she couldn't say no to taking SS full-time. And, we figured SS would want to stay in his high school rather than move with us. We would also move to a more expensive area, so our house would be smaller and without a dedicated room for SS (so he would stay in the guest room during visits). DH was onboard with this plan. But the more we talked about it, the more we both realized that BM would take the money and drop SS off with us. Or SS would ask to live with us after the inevitable screw up at his mom's house and would manipulate to get his way. We would then be stuck with SS in a house that was not designed the fit him (ie. mainly away from us in the basement). Plus, the pandemic happened and put a hold on everything.

I do need a more definitive exit plan. My original plan was supposed to have happened by the start of this school year and that obviously didn't happen and will likely not happen. Which is the other reason why I wrote my post. I think DH, this whole time, has just been trying to get me to hold off until both of his kids graduated from high school. But, the resentment in me runs high and I don't think he realizes that his medical issues are all probably anxiety because he can't commit to one thing. Two out of three people (Me, SS, and BM) are going to hate and resent him. His life isn't a picnic, but if I were him, I'd choose the person that gives him emotional support and sane and reasonable advice to go through life with.  

The diagnosis was only ADHD, though, personally, I think he is also bipolar. The latest from his therapist is that he is functioning at 70% of executive functioning for his age. His therapist is also trying to get him off his medications, so she is doing that in conjunction with his psychiatrist. I'm on board with it. I never thought he should have been so medicated and that he always needed to learn self-control without pills. Plus, I want to be done with his medical needs, though I'm pretty sure that DH will keep him on our insurance and foot the bill until insurance no longer allows it. That said, he is not lacking any sort of medical attention, but I am disengaged so I try not to get involved.

I will say, one time he decided he didn't want to talk to the therapist. So, he ran off when BM wasn't looking (not sure how that happens). DH left work and searched the doctor's office area for him. DH is crying searching for him. Cops are called. I think even Dr. office personnel is helping. He turns up...sitting at a nearby McDonalds. SS is totally oblivious to the chaos he caused. He wasn't 5, he was 15.