Things don't magically get better when skids turn 18
I, of course know this, but I kept thinking that once they weren't living in my home that things would get significantly better. That DH wouldn't have to deal with boundary issues because BM wouldn't be able to complain about an adult skid and have DH try to solve her issues. That DH would have more limited communication with BM when dealing with financial issues with the skids. That the skids would deal with their own issues as adults. That I wouldn't have to hear about BM or be involved in dealing with BM and skid issues, because those would no longer be factors that we should deal with. DH and I could focus on our little kids instead of fighting fires caused by BM and skids.
But that's not what happens. Things don't magically get better. DH has been a crutch for BM since I've known him. So, for the 10 years we've been together, he's been taking her calls, he's been relieving her from the skids when she asked (and she asks all the time), we've taking the skids for weeks, months (even over a year) while she traveled for work, we footed nearly everything financially for a long time and it's only fair now because of immense work by DH to change it. But, she still fails to reimburse us. She doesn't have to get her sh*t together because DH is always there.
What just occurred to me is that even if BM is out of our hair, little will change. DH has allowed himself to be her crutch, and in turn allowed his children to see him as a crutch and also use him as a crutch, so they will always be like her. I'll never escape this because I can never escape his children.
Ever since SD21 started college, she has been becoming her own person and that's great, but she has been a sore spot for me. I used to really enjoy her and her company, but I have not anymore. DH can't say no to her or be truthful to her, so he's allowed her to overstep boundaries. SD now does to us exactly what her mother does because DH is a wimp who doesn't want his kids to dislike him. DH cannot just outright say no to BM or skids, so he makes a vague response, thus letting her badger us incessantly until she gets the response she wants.
SD now dictates when she visits us and in turn she and BM have their own conversations about when SD and SS (who is not yet 18) visit us. She's forced DH into conversations with BM by conducting 3 way calls without DH knowing beforehand. She held a meeting for her, DH, and BM to discuss communication while DH and I were at my parents house. (DH is always dealing with BM and skid drama while in in the presence of my parents - gee DH, you wonder why they really haven't warmed up to you that much)
Last night, I complained about a lot of this stuff to DH. His response to me was that all of our talking about the skids was making it so that he doesn't like them and he's feeling like he just doesn't want them around and he's worried that all this talking about them will make him hate them. My response was that, I had a lot of resentment towards the skids and it was specifically due to the fact that they do and say whatever they want and I can't be honest with them. I told him that he is not honest with his kids because he's afraid that they'll hate him, so he can either hate them or be honest with them about their behaviors and risk them hating him.
In any case, I need to get out of this mess. It's not going to change unless DH basically blows up his current relationship with BM, SD, and SS and turn it into something completely different but that's not going to happen.
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Your story is the reason why
Your story is the reason why people need to be honest with themselves about who the real problem is - their skids, or their partner.
Wondering
I've been wondering myself if the light at the end of the tunnel is really just a train. I don't feel like my own Skids have been given what they need to be self sufficient adults, and adulthood is right around the corner for them.
But yeah, this seems like a common theme. It seems like a lot of people stay stuck in the same patterns they had with their exes, and Skids in the middle of things that should be handled by the parents only. And telling the truth shouldn't blow up anything. Saying something like, "Your mother and I will sort that out and let you know," and/or "Let me get (my wife) in here, because she needs to be a part of this," is a non offensive way to establish boundaries and pecking order. Anyone who gets cranky about that, has other issues.
You get it!
I have a different version of the same problem, the one I thought would go away as the skids turn 18. Totally not true. Things were the way they were because DH allows himself to be used by certain of his family members. They manipulate him because they know they can, and he knows that's what they're doing and allows it to occur. What steps do you take to protect yourself? I have taken a number of financial steps to protect myself and my toddler from DH and certain of his family members, and when thinking about the future, I assume no help from him, because he'll never be able to say "no" to them. I've basically written him off in my mind.
"What steps do you take to
"What steps do you take to protect yourself?"
I'm asking myself these things more seriously as time goes on and I'm realizing that things will not change. DH keeps telling me that he wants to move, that he no longer wants to deal with the issues, that we will give BM primary custody of SS and just throw enough money at her so that she won't drop him off at our doorstep. But, those aren't the issues. I'm realizing now that the issues are that DH is not honest with all of them and can't say no because he is afraid of those consequences.
So to protect myself, I'm looking for a job in a different town. I decided to be a SAHM after my first was born and that has also made me feel helpless in all of this. I need to get my mojo back. That's my first step. I also have to figure out how to deal with separating from a man when I don't trust his instincts. I'd worry about my little kids if I'm not around to oversee whats going on in his home, so I'm reluctant about leaving the relationship yet. But, I see now that it won't change. It's not about waiting until the skids age out.
No one ever tells skids the
No one ever tells skids the truth about anything...just what they want to hear.
Things got WAY worse with my SO's kids after they turned 18...thank goodness i didn't live with him. The second BM stopped receiving child support the kids were no longer allowed at her house. They ran wild, partied, did drugs and were arrested. There was rehab, an unplanned pregnancy, disappearances, etc etc. Nonstop drama.
Oh, and yes...BM still called whenever she wanted. The day child support ended she called wanting a piece of furniture she left behind when she left...14 years prior.
You are right, it doesnt end at 18
Im 76, DH is 83, we had 5 BKs and SKs. Take it from me, it doesnt end at 18. At this point, we are down to SD59, an addict who we are subsidizing so that she lives elsewhere. But, in the past, we've had various movebacks with OSS living here several years in his 30's. BM was still calling him occasionally to whine about one of the kids until she died.
I put most of this down to DH who had trouble saying no to his kids. Or, to be more specific, he screamed and hollered but eventually said yes. He has also been good at telling everyone what they want to hear, ie, didn't want to risk being disliked by being honest and that goes for me, too.
The latest wrinkle is GD37 asking if she, boyfriend and large dog can stay with us while they decide if they want to move here. Of course, he said yes altho at our age, we have set routines, various responsibilities and physical issues.
The upside is all the kids love him, I do, too. The downside is we have had a whole lot of drama for years. Another downside is that he modeled this behavior so I see some of the kids doing the same with their own kids.
I keep warning my DH that it
I keep warning my DH that it wont magically end at 18 but he swears BM and all her BS will not exist to him the day SS turns 18....I ponted out how ridiculous that sounds because what about marriages, grandkids, family gatherings SS's throws when he has a family....but DH, like most men, are short-sighted. He will have to learn the hard way--by living through it.
My DH also believes he will
My DH also believes he will be free of BM when Skids turn 18...joke may be on him.
I think ours might be one of
I think ours might be one of the few cases where it does end at 18 but that is because I have a strong feeling we won't hear from him again for years after that.
Parenting doesn't end at 18. It never really ends, parents will always worry about their kids. It is supposed to evolve into friendship and no one is forced to get together but you do because you love your family. It just really sucks when the bitterness of one parent makes it so that is an impossible thing. Or due to weak/Disney/enabling parenting your kids never evolve to actual adults to where a friendship phase is possible.
Feral Forger SD21
Acts like she is still 14, the age when her parents separated. Shes worse than ever before and last night, Toxic Troll bend DH's ear about all the gross things happening at the apartment. Because DH REALLY wanted to know right? LOL, Wrong. But TT will always think she is relavant.