BM recovering from surgery
Apparently BM is having surgery soon. She's asked DH if SD1 (her preferred twin, who is 13) could stay with her the week after next -- his parenting time -- to help her while she recovers.
I told DH that I think it's inappropriate for her to expect a 13 year old to help especially when there are other adults, including their 19 year old son, who can help. I mean, what's SD1 going to do if BM falls?
This is the SD that's constantly asking to spend more time with BM and "hates" being at DH's house. I'm sure she'll throw another fit when she finds out that DH is going to protect his parenting time again. I feel for DH that he constantly has to set the expectation that SD1 will be at his house when she should.
I'd ask who in their right mind would think a 13 year old should be a caregiver, but we know, don't we?
I think DH needs to have the
I think DH needs to have the conversation with SD about her staying with him and not BM. BM can definitely twist that around, and it will be harder (though not impossible) if DH talks to her first.
I say this as someone whose mother disclosed things she should have never disclosed to her teen daughter that drove a further wedge between my father and I. I didn't want to stay with him, and her words only made staying with him worse. Had my dad sat me down and talked to me about things so that I had a balanced view of the situation, things would have likely been better. Not great, but better.
Excellent point, Lt Dad.
Excellent point, Lt Dad. BioHo successfully drove a wedge between my DH and the SDs that lasted for a good decade. It's only been within the last couple of years that the SDs have finally realized who the real "bad guy" has been in this situation.
OP, even if it was your idea, your DH should have that conversation with SD with the view that it is all coming from him.
Oh, I’m definitely not...
The one talking to BM or SD1 about this stuff. I just support DH and try to coach him if he talks about a situation. He rolled over for BM for a long time because he was so beaten down by her.
DH has had...
Many conversations with SD1 about her coming to his house and will this time, too, I'm sure. It's hard because SD1 seems to be so enmeshed with BM that she's somewhat unreasonable. One time DH went to her room to talk to her and only realized after several minutes that SD1 had BM on the phone.
Has your DH tried the blunt
Has your DH tried the blunt approach with SD1? "SD1 I don't want you to spend my week with you at your moms while she is recovering. Can you explain to me why you want to go? Your mother is grown. She doesn't need you specifically to help her. She has others who are both older and more able to help her if she needs it. I'm worried she has put you in a position of over-enmeshment. Do you know what that means? In this context, it means she is making you feel like you HAVE to be the one to help her through this when you should be the teenager that you are not the partner/bestfriend that she wants. It is ok to be close to your mom, it is not ok to revolve your life around her at the risk of excluding everyone else out"
It's not a 13-year-old's job
It's not a 13-year-old's job to help her mother recover from surgery - even if it was BM's week with them she should be finding an adult to help her out. This just teaches SD that she's expected to care for BM rather than vice versa. I think a kid helping a bit is fine, but not being the sole support.
Yes, DH should say no, it's not in SD's best interest.
Our BM tried to do the same thing!
She was having ACL surgery and wanted DH to take the kids (SSs 15 and 11) for the day and then drop off to her that night when she was discharged. He said no, it's not safe or reasonable to expect children to deal with you when you're recovering from anesthesia--especially when no one can drive. The potential for trauma was high.
Fortunately, she rescheduled the surgery for a time when the SKs were with us for an extended period, but she's f-ing ridiculous.