SD going back to BM next month
She's been with us for 5 months in a different state and we have 2 girls under 2. I understand that she misses home and her friends (that her mom doesn't let her see even before covid). I don't think BM is the better parent but she's familiar and SD is a teenager.
It's bittersweet but also a relief. SD is very cautious and won't make decisions for herself. She isn't very nice to the babies. My husband works 60 hours a week and is pretty hands off. Maybe she'll come back in 2 years for college like she said she plans to.
I thought I liked being the primary parent because it's harder being the "fun" parent, imo, when BM is a controlling narcissist. SD was failing all of her classes back home because everything was online but she isn't doing much better here even though she isn't really staying long enough to turn her grades around.
So she'll probably go back to failing and fighting with BM everyday but I guess that means there will be peace in my home.. again, I feel sad but relieved. I'm sure she'll be calling by May begging to move back or BM begging for us to take her back. It's happened multiple times in the last 4 years.
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You can put a stop to the yo
You can put a stop to the yo-yo pattern SD uses when things get tough. Just say no. Rethink that college thing too. If she can't make a decent showing in school now, what makes you think college will be any better? Can't imagine it's good to have her around your little ones.
Oh yeah, she's convinced she
Oh yeah, she's convinced she doesn't need to get a job until she finishes college and she seems ok with failing because she can "make it up" and she skipped a grade so she'll graduate before 17.
Yo-yo
My SD, now 59, did the yo-yo between us and BM several times. Like you, I wasn't consulted, either. If I had it to do over, I would have made DH understand what I've learned in Steptalk: this pattern teaches the child they don't have to deal with consequences. Our BM wasn't perfect and I hated her but she was trying to discipline SD in her own way. SD would call DH and whine and he would feel like the white knight and rescue her by letting her move back. Same thing would occur when we tried to discipline her. This produced a person who couldn't keep marriages, jobs or relationships.
I'm so glad you responded
I'm so glad you responded because this is what I needed today. At this point, I don't want her here for college, either. She's been pretty good about doing her own laundry and small chores asked of her like keeping her spaces clean and taking out the trash once in a blue moon. I know she does zero at BM's and it's worse because GBM waits on her hand and foot.
I can't imagine a lazy 18 year old that thinks no one can tell her anything with my 2 babies watching everything she does and a husband who won't say anything *on top* of paying the bill when she will more than likely fail.
Its so tempting
Its so tempting for these Disney dads who want to be loved. When the child calls crying, whining about BM -they want to ride to the rescue. Shoot, I even fell for it. We were going to provide the "proper" environment, send SD to our better school district -all kinds of transformative fantasies. All our efforts would turn around her lying, manipulative behavior and make her the wonderful person we imagined. So, we had the honeymoon period then she started the same behaviors that had angered BM. Calls to BM, Dad and SM are so mean, etc. Back to BM. Rinse and repeat.
DH even says she's not coming
DH even says she's not coming back for high school but I don't think she'll magically be motivated by fall of 2023. I guess she could take a gap year and not get behind (if she graduates on time). BM said SD was failing because she works so much (regular 40 hours a week) so I know nothing will change except I hope SD gets mental help if she needs it. She needs to move around and eat more than junk and carbs and socialize with the family but she rarely does any of those things.
DH says it isn't us, that she just wants to be closer to her friends. I'm sure BM made some promises that she won't keep and DH will hear about it soon enough. I just really don't want an adult problem in a few years and don't think DH will tell her 'no' if/ when she wants to come back.