Teenagers, Testing & Discipline
Hi everyone. A bit of a backstory here before I talk about the recent "situation" I'm going through regarding my 17 year old BD and my 16.5 year old SD.
My husband and I got together 12 years ago, when our daughters were 4 years old. DH brought his daughter and I brought my daughter, creating our lovely little family of 4.
Our daughters became besties from day one and get along great. BD lives with us all the time (dads not really in the picture unfortunately) and SD stays with us and with her BM 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off. We live in the same community as BM and have a good relationship with her, even though she likes to play the "friend role" instead of being her mom.
Okay, now for the issue. Our girls are in high school and over the past 2 years have found different friend groups. BD is incredibly kind, thoughtful and has a great "go getter" life/work ethic. SD is the complete opposite. She is very cold, doesn't like to show affection, is lazy and gets everything she wants from her BM, instead of working for it like my BD does. It has caused some tension in their relationship, with BD noticing they are not being treated fairly. We explained to her that when SD is with her mom, we cannot control what happens or doesn't happen there, but that under our roof, everyone is treated equally and that rules apply to everyone no exceptions.
SD has been hanging out with some kids we don't approve of, yet we trusted her enough to allow her to spend time with these other girls and we educated her and taught her to be safe and smart. Teens make mistakes we know, but teaching them to be smart is something we feel can make the difference. We pride ourselves on having an open dialogue in our family and our girls have always trusted us to talk openly about everything. Or so I thought.
Long story short, BD and SD follow eachother on social media and BD brought things to our attention out of concern for SD. We have juat learned that SD smokes weed regularly, vapes (and owns a vape), drinks every weekend when she's with these other kids, and even posted on her Instagram about other drugs.
BD respects SD and always put her on a pedestal because she's one of the cooler kids at school. BD asked us not to talk to SD about her behaviour on social media because SD will know that BD outed her. She, nor do I, want to approach SD saying it was BD who threw her under the bus because it will absolutely destroy their relationship. We have had suspicians in the past about SD's behaviour and she would always get emotional and say she wasn't into that sort of thing even though her friends are. BM also doesn't think SD is capable of it, but now we realize she has been lying to us for months.
How do we as parents (father and step mother) deal with this situation? BM will always make excuses for SD and we also feel they talk about how "strict" our household is. We're afraid that talking to amd punishing SD will not only ruin her relationship with BD, but that she will also decide to live with her mom instead of doing shared custody like she is now.
Help!
SKC
Can you use "another parent
Can you use "another parent told us" line? I had a situation where I brought 3 daughters and DH brought 2 g and 2 b. My second daughter and oldest SD where 1 year apart and started off as good friends. Then SD started acting up and then the boyfriend stealing happened. Lots happened but that's a long story. Needless to say OSD burned her bridges with my BDs and they are not friends. Sad really but with a similar BM, it was destined to be like this. Sounds like SD needs some parenting. Can you save the relationship between them? Is it worth saving? It's not cool for for SD to put your BD in this position. It's great teaching lesson for you as mom but what if SD comes home pregnant? Gets arrested for something stupid?
Is the situation so dire that it needs intervention or is it a watch and see thing right now?
I think parenting would be the priority over the relationship between the girls. Life is long and it sounds like they have a long history that if they did part ways , there might be a chance for coming back together. It's hard to give good advice without knowing more so I ask questions that would help me figure it out. I don't think you can get out of this without some drama. That's what teens do, get us ready for them to leave!
We have used that as well.
We have used that as well. Saying another parent brought the issue to our attention because they knew we would be concerned by said behavior. She will likely still lie if confronted without proof.
Or buy a home drug test and tell her you have heard rumors so you want to make sure they aren't true.
Pretty simple. Stalk her
Pretty simple. Stalk her social media, save everything she says or pics that demonstrate her drug and alcohol use, then drop a surprise pee in the cup 12 panel test on her out of the blue. When she tests positive, call the cops on her and let her sweat a night in jail and a hearing in front of a juvenile court Judge.
Take it out of BM's hands completely, and do not ever mention your BD during the process.
My SS had a group of great friends in HS. Then he met a new group and spent some time with this edgier/marginal group. We highlighted their crap and he was extremely defensive of them. He swore he wasn't doing drugs or vandalizing property, etc... and planted his flag on that hill to die on that they were just different from his other group of friends that we were just being judgemental and they were good kids, just different. Then... one evening he was with them when they vandalized the Amish market about 5 miles from where we lived. When they started breaking stuff, he took off running and ran several miles home. He was scared shitless when he came panting in the door. He never spent time with them again and immediately dove back in with his first group of friends with both feet.
It was interesting. He went from being extremely defensive of marginal people, to understanding that if it stinks like a criminal, looks like a criminal, and acts life a criminal, it is probably a criminal. He used to get irritated with me when I would comment on some movie character being a criminal or a POS. He was extremely defensive of the bad guys and would make a point of confronting me on not knowing the details of their lives and what they had gone through. I would always affirm that he was right and I did not know anything but what I observed but that what I observed was the behaviors they presented. Whether it was the scuzzy group of friends or his group of great high quality friends. I focused on the known facts and not on the what might have possibly happened in the past. After the vandalizing the Amish market incident.... he was not quite so defensive of the unknown and much more focused on what was in front of his face and critical of what he actually saw people do.