Step dad dealing with girlfriends 3 year old and a goody bag of issues.
Where to begin,
I am a father of 2, i have a 8 year old and a 7 month old. My 8 year old lives with and is from prior relationship. My current girlfriend and i have a 7 month old girl together. GF also has a 3 year old son that was from a prior relationship. My issues and problem stem from this child and the situation that surround him.
First off he is the golden child always cries mommy mommy and she goes after him 24 7. Cant ever do anything wrong or when he is at his grandmothers all GF wants to do is miss and cry about how he isnt here with us. This child spits in her face, hits her, my son, our daughter whos 7 months and I. Pisses in the register in his room, the air duct piece that comes out of the floor. Says no to everything *of course*. He seams to want his Bio dad, however he is an addict. Coke heroin, xanax, you name it he does it. In and out of his life its a mess.
The SS's bio father called cps while he was high and tried to make a big blow up to get at my GF. Marks on his leg where he fell down or played really rough he said were *beat marks* and decided to make up a whole story, throw it on FB with our address and all our information on there saying how we abuse and neglect him. While doing this he has dragged my 8 year old and my 7month old daughter into cps crap where people were coming by and making sure all these thing were good blah blah.
Ill continue more with this later its currently 339am worked 12 hours, but i just want to know should i feel bad for not liking my step son, for his attitude? I actually feel like i take some of what his father has done and hold it against my ss. I really dislike him for the situation that he may not be aware of but surrounds him and what that has done to my bio kids and brought around. At one point i felt saftey was compromised because of what SSfather did on FB.. Its all a mess and at the end of the day i love my girlfriend but her son i just dont think i can deal with what surrounds him and her lack of parenting twords him for another possible 15 years.... Help?
Welcome to the site!
I am glad to see that in your final sentence, you mentioned your GF's "lack of parenting". It is not the 3 yr old's fault that she has turned him into out of control little dictator. She has trained him to indulge in monstrous behaviour by her lack of setting and enforcing reasonable household rules for him. It is ALL her fault, none of it is the child's.
Now we come on to SS's bio father. The BM in my life did something similar shortly after I met DH, when my SDs were very young. She fabricated allegations of abuse. I made sure that after that incident I was never alone with the SDs, even for 5 minutes. I wasn't having her ruining my life. Personally, in your place I would get myself out of this situation I had landed myself in, as your first priority is to protect your 8 yr old. He/she, unlike you, did not choose this. As you say, what do you think the 3 yr old is going to be like as a teen, if your GF goes on as she is? Absolutely vile.
Your GF is the problem.
Your GF is the problem. Honestly the 3 yo sounds traumatized in addition to being completely unparented. Clearly the bio father is not helping any, but he's not to blame for your GF's appalling lack of parenting. The boy is crying out for limits. He also needs to be evaluated for developmental issues and trauma.
Sadly i agree..
Last night while speaking to her on my last break of the night i did try to take a mild and partial direct approach to her parenting. I asked if she really thought shutting herself into a room at times when he got wild really helped him, or screaming at the top of your lungs? * exactly what the child anger dr said not to do. *cant remember his exact name this second* She just didnt really reply. I find myself there alot with her, asking a question and she just doesnt know or says shes trying and i want to give her credit i really do..However this is 2 years going. Just a very painful experience, i feel alot of blame because maybe i could have really thought about her parenting as well as what could really happen when ss bio father got out of jail. Recently i have come to terms with alot of issues steming from her way to doing nothing and how to get out of it.
The starting point is for her
The starting point is for her to get some professional help for her son and with her parenting. She is actually neglecting his needs and all of this behavioral stuff will just get worse if she can't figure out how to parent him. She's going to bring CPS into your life without the father's help at this rate.
Honestly, if I were you, I'd document all of this, videos of how she handles him, his behavior, etc; then leave and file for full custody of your 7 mo. Your GF is clearly someone who has zero instinctual parenting skills and your kid would be better off with you.
You girlfriend is hiding from
You girlfriend is hiding from a three year old? OMG, what happens when Jr. is bigger & taller then her? What happens to the 7 month old when she's a toddler - does mom take her and hide or leave her to fend for herself against this spawn? This is neglect and CPS should be involved. Get yourself and your children out of this situation before you lose custody of them.
"Well, you have to try harder
"Well, you have to try harder because your current level of effort isn't good enough."
Maybe phrase it better, but I've said similar to my DH in regards to his XW and kids.
I need men to realize that just because a woman cries or shuts down doesn't mean that we need comforted or that you should drop the subject entirely. Yes, we're upset. It's an upsetting topic. No, that doesn't mean you're wrong and we're right because it caused an emotional reaction.
There are times when DH and I have argued where I've cried. Sometimes I can't stop the crying. Sometimes it's just a release of all the emotions I'm feeling. Sometimes, yes, DH hurts my feelings. What is NOT helpful in that instance is my DH feeling super bad, trying to hug amd comfort me, and acting like we can't ever talk about the topic again.
No, it means we take a break. Maybe we get around to talking about it a few days later after I've processed. If it needs to be discussed immediately, I cry, we discuss, and then we usually both go nap because it was emotionally exhausting for us both.
This is NOT me saying that men can be emotionally abusive to women (name calling, degrading language, yelling at them), or vice versa. You cross those lines and you deserve to be dumped. What I am saying is that all because a woman cries, it doesn't mean men need to immediately say "there there, it's okay, you're not a bad mom, I'm sorry." What you CAN say is "I recognize this is emotional for you, so let's take a break while you process this." Then offer comfort for the physical manifestation of their emotions if that is something they want/need.
You 100% can tell your GF that her effort isn't enough. You can 100% tell your GF that you two don't have to talk right now but you have to talk sometime. You can 100% schedule a time to sit down with her to discuss these issues. You can 100% discuss these issues even if she shuts down or cries; you just may have to pause and come back to it.
What you SHOULDN'T do is let her crying or silence cause you to be silent. You either talk through the issues, allow resentment to grow inside you until it manifests in unhealthy ways, or you leave. If her only response ever is to shut down and never work through her emotions or learn when to say "I need some time to digest this", then she isn't mature enough to carry on a long-term relationship.
It sounds like you decided to
It sounds like you decided to have a baby with this woman before you knew her very well. She's made the mistake of breeding with trash, and now you've bred with her so you and your kids are getting splattered by the poo that keeps hitting the fan. Additionally, she's got an infant and a toddler - that's a lot of work. Do you help her and shoulder your share of the parenting?
Since drugs are part of the equation, her child may have some cognitive delays. He may also have inherited some genetic predispositions from mom or dad. Has he been evaluated by anyone?
Nobody likes having CPS in their life, but they can be helpful by steering you towards resources, parenting classes, etc. Take a parenting class with your gf - it shows a willingness to cooperate and be the best parent you can be, and it will get you and your gf on the same page.
Lastly, please use protection. Don't have any more kids with your gf. You both have a lot on your plate.
Help is currently happening ish..
The dr we took the 3 yr old to has decided that there wasnt really a need to keep seeing him, apparently his mother said the same thing while during the appt. I was not allowed to be there or express concern because "covid" so i guess thats as far as it goes from there. She has gotten herself onto some medication from a dr for a few issues she has, time will tell on those and not all meds work on the same people of course. The meds apparently she persued herself with her dr so that seams to be a small step in the right direction. To comment on me "breeding" with this woman.. It wasnt untill after our Daughter was born that she seamed to really go down this path. She did have some nastyness and still was not a direct parent with her son, but its just really gone down hill.
A slight shift in perspective
A slight shift in perspective. Rather than hate your 3yo SS, hate his behavior. As for pissing in the register..... seal it. Keep this kid in a big diaper and he stays in it 24/7 until he either turns 18 and leaves or... gets his head out of his ass regarding where he takes a piss. He is only 3yo. He needs to learn who is in charge, and that unacceptable behavior returns misery and isolation.
Also, it is time to tune his mom on the standards of behavior that will be enforced in the home whether she likes it or not. Then enforce those standards in an age appropriate manner for all of the kids in the home.
It sounds like she is unable
It sounds like she is unable to cope with parenting at all right now. Maybe medications will help slightly but I doubt they are enough to turn this situation around. If she is letting him have this much control and hiding from him at age 3 I can't imagine what life will be like later on.
I don't think a gentle approach is the right answer here. She doesn't give you a response or just says she is trying in order to get you off her back about her lack of parenting. She even goes as far as to hide from her own child to get out of dealing with it. She needs some tough love and a reality check. The kid sounds like he has a ton of issues at 3 years old. He needs help.
As for the urinating in places other than the toilet, that may be another issue that he cannot help. My son (amazing, kind, well behaved, now 8 years old) had the same issue at 3 years old. He would just pee around his bedroom just for no reason. My son had some developmental delays and we had in home therapy for awhile. When I brought it up to therapist she recommended adding a sensory processing disorder therapist. He stopped by the second visit it was very helpful. It is something to look into.
If you think she will try. I
If you think she will try. I would suggest the parenting book 1,2,3 Magic. It's easy to follow and uncomplicated. Works great for toddlers.
I really hope the two of you
I really hope the two of you are using birth control.