What’s wrong with me ?
Hello all moms and dads,
First and foremost I would like to thank you all for having this amazing support group.
Okay quick back story ....
Engaged to my finance who has 2 boys from a previous marriage, SS 9 and SS 6.
I have 4 from my previous marriage, 13, 12, 9, and 7.
I have had major issues with my SS 9 and SS6, their BM babies them to high heaven. She still dresses them, feeds them yes spoon feeds, and makes their lunches.
I’m expected to do the same when they are here. I said hell to the NO!
My 7 year old does everything for himself.
Yet the skids will not dress themselves, they won’t make their own lunches. Instead they just cry and go we can’t we don’t want to.
They both are disrespectful, and honestly begin to cry when they don’t get what they want.
SS9 has behavioural issues and it’s taken me 12 months to convince BM to seek help from the paediatrician. Not only does he have behavioural issues, but he also will have health issues with he doesn’t lose weight. 9 years old 4.4 inches and weighs 124 lbs.
I’ve been dealing with disrespect and behaviour from those two boys for over 2 years. I’m exhausted.
Their dad agrees things need to change, and says he’s working on it. Haven’t seen much change. I’ve had a very honest convo about if things don’t change, I do not wish to proceed with our wedding next year.
BM has had several BF around the skids, and each time the boys have “loved him” and called them dad. One only stuck around for 2 weeks and SS 9 had a meltdown when he moved out of BM house. I’ve been around for over 2 years and have tried to connect with them, have picked them up late at night more then once when BM was intoxicated. I’ve spend time with them. Yet I’m not good enough. The I love you’s are forced, so are the hugs.
SS9 pointed to me the other day and said “ her”. His dad said she has a name. His responds “ I don’t know it.”
Ummm after 2 years he can’t remember my name ?!
So long story short is, every time they come I get anxiety, I hate it! Every time they speak I get annoyed, just their existence is now making me upset. I never ever wanted to get to this point. After 2 years of trying, putting in so much effort, and pushing my own feelings aside I feel defeated.
Am I a horrible person for feeling this way?
Could someone give me some advice?
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Comments
Why do you have to parent
Why do you have to parent these ,kids.. what does your fiance do? These are his kids.. if they are not self sufficient it is his fault too.
I would not get married until you see your spouse step up his parenting game. You have a primary responsibility to provide your own kids a stable home environment. If you don't see that as likely with your fiance and his kids. You need to delay or cancel the plans to get married. Your kids needs for a stable home trump your want to have a relationship unfortunately.
I know it sucks.. but your fiance is a big part of this problem. It's not impossible to get the kids on track.. but HE needs to WANT it at least as much if not more than you do. For the development and growth of his own children.. so that they will ahve a better life. He should want more for them.
This isn't particularly
This isn't particularly helpful, but my advice would be to cancel the wedding and live separately and date if you want to continue the relationship. Your BF might be trying, but he's not succeeding, and it sounds like a miserable situation for you. It can't be a good situation for your children, either.
These kids are not normal. My 1.5 yo feeds herself and tries to dress herself (she hasn't had a lot of success yet, but she will soon). My SD8 can fix her own food. My SD6 folds her own laundry and puts it away. (Note: they don't do those things at BM's house, but kids can handle different rules and expectations at their different houses). Your BF is failing his kids by not forcing some changes when they're with him. If my skids treated me disrespectfully, my DH would knock them into next week (figuratively, of course). Why is your BF not demanding respect for you from his kids and imposing ever increasing consequences if that very normal expectation is not met? A good partner would. You should not settle for living with stress and anxiety to maintain your relationship. It's not fair to you or your kids.
Good for you for planning to
Good for you for planning to hold off the wedding if you don't see improvements. It's not your job to parent these kids or dress them/feed them, that's your DH's job. Starting today, stop ALL of it. Let him take over.
They probably love Stepdad because he doesn't parent either - whereas you are the only of the three adults in their life to actually have expectations for them.
Lol one "stepdad" stuck
Lol one "stepdad" stuck around 2 weeks. I can guess why. Spoon feeding and dressing a 9-year-old?! It's going to be a long hard road getting them to be even somewhat normal.
ETA i didn't see where OP said how often they have the kids. That makes a big difference as to what can be done from her end.
It's a form of child abuse,
It's a form of child abuse, frankly.
The kids act this way because
The kids act this way because it is allowed. They are still young and their parents SHOULD have major influence in their behaviors.
What was the end result in the conversation about not saying your name? What should have happened is that he was told how rude and disrespectful he was being and then sent to his room without TV or games for time out. Then when that was over and apology should have been required. Each time they are disrespectful their father should up the ante on punishment- yard work, cleaning, etc. He needs to make disrespectful behavior "painful" enough so they stop it.
If your SO is not doing that, he is not going to ever stop the attitudes and it will only get worse. You would be wise to end the relationship. The kids don't have to like or even love you, but they do have to respect you as an adult in the home.
Answers
Skids only live with us 2 days a week now, they were 4 days a week.
Due to their behaviours I gave my fiancé 2 options.
2 days a week in home or we separate.
Also as of today new rule skids are not to be here while mine are. They don't need to see this.
He moved in with me and my 4 kids. I had the larger home.
We held our wedding off due to Covid but in all reality I did it because of the issues.
my fiancé and I never fight over anything else except for his two boys and his ex wife. We don't argue over finances, my kids, my ex ....
SS9 did get an a whole lot of trouble for not remembering my name. His dad stepped up and raised his voice and said that that wasn't acceptable. he laid into him pretty good.
The issue I have is he can never stay mad at his kids. He'll raise his voice but 5 minutes later he isn't upset.
I do have to take the kids to school when they are here because my fiancé works full-time and a lot of times 12 to 14 hour shift ( he's a respiratory therapist).
The off chance he is home he does try to get them to dress themselves but he hast to lay things out for them all the time. He has to assist them in dressing, and he still makes their lunches.
One of the main issues is when they're with BM they do nothing but play video games. They each have several systems. They can't even come here without their systems because it's a meltdown. We had one week with no systems at my request. By the end of the two days my fiancé and I were so mad at each other and stressed.
The other issue is when the fiancé was married to BM he would never be able to disapline. He would try to discipline and BM would scream at him to leave her boys alone. She would throw things at him, she would tell the boys your dad is mean, he is abusive, he doesn't love you.
He "disaplines" now but not to the extent he should.
do you see him/them changing
do you see him/them changing at all, where do you see this is five years?
Is it convenient for you to
Is it convenient for you to have your kids gone when his kids are there? I'm assuming his kids are there on weekdays since you mention getting them to school. Is it possible to have his kids only when he's available to be there? It doesn't seem remotely fair for you to have to deal with their ridiculous inability to get themselves dressed or make a lunch. I think the only way your BF is going to step up is for you to step away from doing things for them. Maybe if he had to get up earlier, drag them out of bed earlier, get them ready in the morning and put them in a before-school care program he'd be more motivated to get them to a point of greater self-sufficiency. But he's had plenty of time to make changes, especially if he previously had the kids 4 days a week. I'd still be inclined to live separately.
Marrying this guy seems like
Marrying this guy seems like asking for a hellish existence. Why not live separately? Raise your kids.
I have no advice
But my name is Kristin and I have four kids and two steps. (:
You got to be kidding
Let SO take care of his babbbbbys. I would not be in this dysfunctional relationship. He also wipes there as* ?
Time to have that talk with SO, no marriage until he makes his kid behave there age. He gets the kids up and out or pays someone to do it. It would not be me.
Making lunch is ok sometimes it's just easier. You control what food is going to lunch, not a pound of cold cuts for lunch and nothing tomorrow. you control the food bill.
But dressing and spoon feeding is a big NO. Your SO is the main problem. He must get his act together.
Sorry I am not picking on you, you see the problem. Just don't understand it at all
Nope just nope.
Nope just nope.
Why do you want to marry this man, knowing and SEEING what you know?
How did he care for his kids
How did he care for his kids before he moved in with you? Why could he do it before, but not now?
Worked
He worked a lot and his ex wife wouldn't let him do a lot. She even said she did it all. She has always tread their kids as babies.
There's nothing wrong with YOU.
You've just fallen into the trap of doing too much of other people's work and questioning yourself instead of their jacked up preexisting dynamic. Things aren't working 1) because the bio parents aren't doing their job, and 2) your fiance is dumping HIS duties on to you. You're supposed to be supporting HIS parenting, not doing it for him.
It's very common on ST to hear from disgruntled members who find themselves doing all sorts of labor that rightly should be handled by the bio parents. Clearly you are a seasoned, successful mom who's raising her kids to be independent and self reliant, but your fiance and his ex parent VERY differently. He sounds like a passive dad who hasn't accepted that, due to divorce, he will ALWAYS be solely responsible for his kids on his time. Outsourcing works for HIM, but not for the kids and not for you.
I think you are wise not to marry unless/until this man steps up as a parent. He's the one who's supposed to be handling his ex and his kids, not you. And you won't have much of a future with skids who fail to launch or succeed in life. You need to have some hard conversations and separate his responsibilities from yours.
Care
You aren't horrible, just pray for more guidance.