Texting The Ex
Does anyone look at their spouses phone and their text messages?
I have not been on here in over a year and just realized that DH and I just had a huge fight over something that I blogged about over a year ago...him and his ex texting.
He had her blocked and today he unblocked her because she called him at work. According to him she was concerned because he was not responding to her text messages. Although he tells me "they" were concerned. I said that makes no sense because you are responding to your adult children's text messages just not your ex wife.
He tells me that I am wrong. He tells me that he talks to other men and none of their wives ever look at their phones.
We were to go away tonight for the weekend and I told him that I wasn't going and he left without me.
DH tells me that I need therapy. Shocker to him...I have been going during my lunch at work. He doesn't believe me and wants to call my therapist.
He totally thinks that I am wrong in being upset about this. He tells me that I need to get over it and there is nothing going on and to leave the past in the past and move on. The past? The past as in what past? I have never said anything to this woman, I have never responded to a single one of her nasty text messages to me, nothing. I have always taken the high rode and ignored her. DH has never, ever set boundries with her or his children.
This woman is toxic and he can't see it or maybe he doesn't want to see it because as he always says "She is the mother of my children".
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These kids are grown. Why is
These kids are grown. Why is BM calling your husband at work? Why is she contacting DH at all? They have absolutely no reason to communicate unless someone is dead or severely injured and even then, it doesn't have to be BM who tells him. Your DH needs boundaries which equals no communication.
My MIL and FIL are divorced. My DH is almost 30. MIL and FIL have not spoken to each other in the 10 years since their divorce. If DH needs something, he contacts each parent directly.
When SS9 turns 18, we will be blocking BM from email and phone. No need to communicate with her because there is no longer a need to "coparent." If SS needs something, he can contact DH directly.
I have no idea why she is
I have no idea why she is reaching out to him. She is married, she has adult children, she has step children, she has family.
He needs to just stop responding to her. He blocked her in Mid March so it took her two months to figure it out?
Ok so you need to ask him if
Ok so you need to ask him if this means he's going to be perfectly fine with you getting little "how are you" texts from someone you dated "in the past" ....it's fine, right? It's nothing and he just needs therapy if he's worried about this other grown man texting his wife.
His kids are adults, who he
His kids are adults, who he communicates with, so why is the ex texting him, calling him at work?
If someone needs to leave the past, in the past, it's him.
My DH has not said one word to BM in 11 years, since child support ended. Wait, I take that back. She did call him once (about 8 or 9 years ago) and he told her that he had nothing to say to her. She hung up and never contacted him again. He does not care that she is the mother of his daughter, she tried to destroy his life.
Some men need to get their priorities straight.
However, it sounds as if both of you have some trust issues. You look through his phone, he doesn't believe you about therapy. What is going on, there?
I couldn't believe that she
I couldn't believe that she called him at work. Honestly it is rediculous. And then he tells her that I am the one that blocked her which is true but he knew it.
Prior to the blocking she was texting him non stop doing walks down memory lane, sending him old pics, sending him new pics of their grandchildren.
He didn't believe me about therapy because I did not tell him about it. I just really needed my own person to talk to as I have been going out of my mind with this texting with the ex and he is drinking in excess. He has been to four therapists and none of worked out for various reasons (which I agree).
I told him that there are two things that really, truly bother me and that is the texting with the ex and drinking and he continues to do both. Like I said the ex was blocked but he unblocked after two months. He seems like he is trying to cut down on the drinking but I am on pins and needles waiting for the next binge.
My parents, my kids, my famly, my co-workers have no idea what I am going through.
Shortly before I was due to
Shortly before I was due to go into hospital for a major surgery my LH X called here looking for a copy of their marriage certificate of all things "because it will take too long to get it from the county". Skid hasn't lived here in fifteen years. My husband and I had been married for over twenty.
The man like to tripped over his nuts running to that phone. SD herself told her to just get one from the county because he was in poor health and didn't want to dig for it.
And they all wonder why we could spit nails at them.
SMH.
Well that is interesting, a
Well that is interesting, a trip would have been laughable!
As they wallow in their own
As they wallow in their own dysfunction they claim it's OUR problem.
I don't look at DH's phone,
I don't look at DH's phone, but I too wonder why he needs to talk to BM if his kids are grown. Seems like trust is the issue between you, really.
I don't think that he would
I don't think that he would make any attempt to go back with her, nor she with him because her DH has a lot more $. She wouldn't give that up.
She seems to spend a lot of time in the past rethinking about when they were married and maybe how things could have been different. She texts him and tells him that maybe she could have tried harder (she had an affair). She reminds him of their children's birthdays and talks about the day that she gave birth. I mean it is crazy but it is even crazier that he is responding. During one of the text she told him that he should delete her texts so that I wouldn't read them.
They compare notes on who is drinking the most on a particular night.
I guess I do have a trust issue but I am not OK with this back and forth. I dont even speak to my ex. The last time I saw him was at an event for my daughter and that was about six years ago. My DH tried to bring my EX into the conversation and turn the tables and he knows that I don't speak to him or text him so he says that I talk about him and I said that I do not and so he brings up a conversation but it was my daugher telling me that she was worried about her father's health. I was listening only. DH is grasping at straws.
Your last post was over a
Your last post was over a year ago, and it appears this issue has not changed at all. He does not intend to stop doing this, for whatever reason. You've asked, begged, pleaded, had therapy and he's still not stopping.
You have to decide whether or not you can live with this issue. Seems to me the real issue is that he's afraid that if he doesn't allow his ex contact, his kids will be upset with him - but unless he stops his part in this, nothing will change.
Time to stop banging your head against the wall and either accept this, or go.
In my mind I know that. It
In my mind I know that. It is just overwhelming to think of packing up this house and getting out. I feel like a failure. My friends and family have no idea. I always thought and hoped that we could work things out. I am getting ready to retire and I don't know if I can financially make it on my own. I don't know if I have the stamina to go through another divorce fighting over money and property. However at the same time I can't continue on like this not trusting my DH wondering if he is talking to her, wondering if he is texting her. Knowing that she is a cheater and wondering what is she up to.
You definitely aren't a
You definitely aren't a failure - and there is no shame in staying, either - but if you do, I'd say you have to detach from this specific issue and focus on yourself and what is good in your marriage - or just live sort of separate lives for the rest of your life. Lots of people do it for financial reasons, and some are fairly happy. Depends on whether having a strong partnership is important to you.
You might find Al-Anon really helpful. If you don't want to go in person there are online support groups.
Our late BM used to call DH
Out late, departed BM used to call DH at work when the kids were grown. Invariably, it was to talk about one of the kids, stress about something they were doing, whine, etc. This was in the pre-cell phone and pre-text days.
She was one of those people who thought she could still influence and manipulate adult kids. She was trying to enlist his help with the latest "catastrophe", aka as them making their own decisions (some were poor decisions but that's how we all learn) She seemed to over-rate her influence with them. This was a person who also felt she should always know where they were, you know, in case of "emergency".
hey wait, you're married to the clone of the clown I
accidentally married....
STUPID BS GAMES!
Say Adios! It's sneaking around and they are both getting something from their sneaky little chats. Liars
You deserve to have peace my dear. These games do not add value to your life or your marriage,
You and BM are sister wives
You and BM are sister wives in this mess. You're there as the physical wife - sex, comfort, companionship. She's there as the emotional wife - good memories, doesn't judge his drinking, loyalty to his feelings and thinking.
Your DH isn't going to make changes because he's getting a lot out of those texts and phone calls. This sounds like a woman who deeply hurt him and was hurtful/mean to you, and his response has been to keep her around. BM is an equal to you in his eyes.
So you'll have to decide if you are okay with those terms. Are you okay with being the sister wife? If not, then get out of this. He'll be fine either way, so think about yourself.
There is no way to just this
There is no way to just this behavior is Ok. DH is just gaslighting you to make you feel like your the crazy one
I'm sorry but there are no justifiable reasons for a man to be texting another woman like that. I left my last relationship because my SO would be texting other woman at inappropriate times and try to convince me 1. They were friends 2. It was business.
I knew betyand went with my gut and low and behold ater we broke up I found out he was cheating.
Even if he wasn't giving another woman attention is still just as damaging to a relationship because they are not focused on you and your relationship. Thier attention is elsewhere
I'm sure a lot of your trust
I'm sure a lot of your trust issues stem from both of those situations. I can relate to the distrust his overdrinking causes because I struggle with this with DH as well. He's doing quite well this week though. But yes, it causes massive distrust when they lie, hied, underplay, etc. Alcoholism is a family disease.
As to the ex wife, in my case they don't speak at all, they barely did when SD was a minor. BM was very high conflict so DH's solution was always to ingore the wh*re ....I can see where this is very hurtful to you. I know I would be devastated as well. You have to take inventory of your situation, if you don't think it will change, it's ok for YOU to make changes that would lead you to a happier, calmer existence-with or without him.
"Hey, DH, I ran into your ex
"Hey, DH, I ran into your ex's husband today and guess what? HE didn't know his wife and you were texting all the time either! He didn't seem very happy to learn about it. Maybe it's not as common as you said it was... "
I feel like a failure.
I feel like a failure.
You are not a failure for recognizing what is not working in your life. You deserve to be happy and have some peace of mind.
I'm with tog, do what YOU need to do to give you that, whether it's leaving, or finding a way to detach from what bothers you and stay.
It's your decision, you are the one living it. You are the one who will continue to live it or leave and live a different life. Either way, I'm sure your family and friends will support you.
This isn't right. Hubby and I
This isn't right. Hubby and I don't usually check each other's phones but we don't have a problem with it either. The first chance he had to stop talking to bm he took it. When he was still dealing with her he usually volunteered to share those conversations with me. I never thought to ask about them but he's always kept me in the loop. He likes to say "people are exs for a reason. My reason is she's the devil." Ss is not 18 yet but bm will only be contacted by hubby through a lawyer these days.
I would be really hurt if hubby ever told me I needed therapy because of his actions. This part of your story really concerns me. That sounds like gaslighting. He shouldn't put you down like that
Your DH has an addiction
Your DH has an addiction problem--alcohol and BM. You can't fix either but you can determine your own boundaries. Have you talked with your therapist about that?
It took me a year or more of therapy to define what I needed from my DH, articulate it, and set and enforce those boundaries. Well worth it.
I have looked through my
I have looked through my recent ex's phone. His daughter sent me a text and I KNEW that was some bullshit. So I looked through his messages, and sure enough..he had told her to text me to congratulate me on our engagement. Which he did so he could then tell me my children weren't happy for us as none of them had texted. Sooooo. One day I'm going to look back and wonder if I was drunk the whole damn relationship. But it's day one of life alone, and it just hurts and makes me want to cry on the train in front of a hundred other passengers. I believe it gets easier.