Is the child special needs? If not, then casually have a conversation with her about her friends and ask her if her friends co-sleep. Let her go on sleep overs and see for herself how other children behave. Put on tv shows that show girls her age and how they should be independent. It's all about exposure. If she hasn't caught on by nine then something needs to be done but I don't think calling child services is the answer. They won't fix these kind of problems. Print out "Milestones" for her age group and let her look over it and see how many she can check off. Don't go at her straight forward with it, approach it in a conversational way. 

Oh Jesus. Cosleeping AND butt-wiping at 9?! Here's what your DH should do. Next time she comes, tell her she's a big girl, she is way too old for cosleeping and butt wiping, and the transition starts today. If she says "take me back to Mommy's!", the answer is no.

DH can lie down with her for a few minutes before bed if he wants, maybe longer at first then shorten it nightly, read her a story or something, and go check on her if she gets scared a few times, but she sleeps in her bed. She does need to know that at her age, it's normal to sleep on your own. 

As far as the butt-wiping, i can't believe i'm even suggesting this, but the first time maybe he can explain it to her "front to back, use this amount of TP, fold it over, and flush before filling the toilet with TP." Maybe he can even come and do a follow-up wipe after the first time to make sure she got it all, but after that, she's on her own. This is pretty ridiculous, though, because by third(?) grade, i know she has had to go at school before and the teacher isn't wiping it, unless it's special ed.

The cosleeping is problematic and abnormal, but it's more common than the arse wiping. Daddy wiping the behind of a girl starting puberty is reaching a high level of creepy. Gross!

Also, if she says she doesn't want to come because she has to wipe her own butt and sleep in her own bed, the answer is "tough shit, you're coming!"

I don't think they will do much for this sorry. 

Children are easily influenced. Try using movies or shows she likes to highlight how each character has their own bed. Emphasis on "being a big girl" and hyping it up. Kids do well with sticker charts and other visual aids to mark their progress. Include rewards like no tantrums for a whole week and she can pick a special snack at the store or an extra hour of tv.

When ss started fussing about how his mom let him do this or that, I would simply say "that's nice hon, but this is how we do things in our home. Just like school has their own rules Daddy's house and Mommy's house each have their own rules. We know you are big enough and smart enough to follow these rules. I really appreciate your obedience." Then I would smile and walk away. hubby would also come up with the same thing. We kept the basic rules written on the fridge. Hubby would take the lead in reasoning with him, I mostly just kept repeating my script if ss continued complaining 

None of this is CPS-worthy.  People co-sleep all the time, and the standards for food and hygiene are a pretty low bar in terms of CPS involvement.

Does this child have developmental issues? Has she been evaluated by a pediatrician and a therapist? That is where he might be able to hold her accountable, that she's not addressing any developmental needs.  If the kid still can't wipe her butt at 9, she's got something going on.

If she goes to school, they know she can't read and write (again, if not, why is she not in special classes?) and wipe her own butt. Let them call social services.

If your DH doesn't want to address this stuff, there isn't much you can do. This falls into the category of "can you stay with a man who is neglecting his child's needs".

Don't bother with CPS they won't do anything and it will cause unnecessary conflict with BM.

I like the idea of taking her to the pediatrician to discuss your concerns.

Tell BM to back off "ordering dad to sleep with his 9 year old daughter'...Is she going to set him UP and turn around, calling cps herself eluding bf is a weirdo? *stranger things have happened with bm's.

Do I think you should call social services? Nope. But I WOULD call IF BM brings some dude to sleep over in the same bed.

BM has no power in your home...nor do you have power in her home.

You can tell sd---In OUR house children sleep in their own big girl beds. 

As far as hygiene, how does she manage at school? Dad can always call her teachers and ask IF there is a hygiene problem. Dad can also set up a Doctors appointment for sd to discuss importance of proper hygiene for a young girl...

OP, often times issues like this resolve themselves simply because of exposure to peers at school. Is sd going to say no to sleep overs? Kids find out she still sleeps with her mommy OR dad?  What if she has to go number 2 in school or anywhere other than moms? Would she not go potty and wipe?  Do you see what I mean.

Keep us posted..........sorry about all this. 

Hi. If she’s 9 and cannot read or write the school  need to write a little ‘friendly’ report of her progress at school for your family to take to the GP, for a referral to a paediatrician for an assessment. 

Schools on the U.K. do it all the time and are normally quite supportive. 

It sounds like she may need a SEN support at the school, which they can get for things like dyslexia they don’t have to have severe special needs. It covers a broad spectrum. 

Does she have any communication difficulties/speech issues or has she ever had in the past. 

If she still has those diagnoses she entitled to SEN help if it has not been offered already. 

If the GP is made aware of toileting problems they may be able to refer her to a specialist nurse or sometimes occupational therapy can advise. 

Maybe she needs something to hold on to so she can learn to do it herself? Idk it’s just one possibility of many. 

Its a case of if you don’t ask you don’t get with help sometimes.