Is it really worth it?
Forums:
Stepson hasnt worked in years. Does nothing to help around the house. We do not speak, he hides from me because hes afraid I might ask him to do something. He eats in his room and doesnt even bring the dishes out. Wife buys new dishes instead of asking him to do something about it.. She has bought new dishes twice because of him.. Hes 26.. Im not sure this marraige of 12 years is worth it.
What does your wife say?
What does your wife say about the situation? I assume he's not going to school. Is he disabled in any way? What kind of history do you have with him? Other kids in the family?
Don’t blame you
That sounds very depressing and weird. Have you told your wife that the hermit son is a dealbreaker? If you haven’t, consider starting that convo. Also, allow yourself to imagine what you want your life to look and feel like going forward.
Don’t blame you
That sounds very depressing and weird. Have you told your wife that the hermit son is a dealbreaker? If you haven’t, consider starting that convo. Also, allow yourself to imagine what you want your life to look and feel like going forward.
It would only be worth it if
It would only be worth it if there were a light at the end of the tunnel, something to look forward to... only there isn't. This kid doesn't want to move out and his mother is enabling him. If you want change, you're going to have to either get rid of the kid or leave this miserable situation. Your call.
If SS is like this and DW isn
If SS is like this and DW isn't doing anything to change itm it doesn't sound like their is much hope for SS launching.
Sounds like he has major
Sounds like he has major mental health issues that aren't being addressed. Without her pushing him to do so, he will not get any better.
I don't think I could live with that.
Depression
At least sounds like major depression. It is not normal at all and I wouldn't want to live with that either.
Time to get real with DW and tell her it has to change for you to stay in the marriage. If she's willing then you can start with getting SD immediate help and set a reasonable timeline from there.
I went back and read your
I went back and read your previous blog from two years ago and nothing has changed. Your previous blog said that when you threatened to move out your wife told you she'd help you pack. I would take her up on that. She's let you know to whom she's really married to. Time to make an exit plan and leave those two emotionally incestuous lovebirds to it. Your wife doesn't want to follow through with making her adult baby work or be independent because she wants him crippled enough that he'll never leave Mommmeeeeee. You're going to have to go balls to wall and give your wife an ultimatum as to which of you between you a nd your SS moves out on June 30. I wouldn't want to be used as a walking wallet who pays for a grown man to not work. F that!
Go read the responses to the forum posts about an SM asking how to get her 33 year old SD out of her house. There are some great tips in there. Also, the fact that her SK is 33 and still living with Dadddeeeeee shows how long this bullshit dynamic between enmeshed parents and their kids can go on.
Has anything changed since
Has anything changed since you last posted about this? If not, why do you think anything will?
Your wife has made it clear -- she is not willing to do anything. Your SS has made it clear -- he doesn't intend to move out or contribute anything. So, that leaves you. What are you willing to change?
If it were me, I'd be changing my address.
Hi again...
So - things have not changed. You are feeling empathy for your wife, because she is disabled. You are feeling like a prisoner in your (her) home. You are basically roomates at this point, walking on eggshells.
This is no way to live. I imagine that you must be pretty down in the dumps about this situation - no one gets into a marriage just to get out of it. We have our ups and downs, but if it were all downs, Id be getting out pretty quickly.
I reccomend speaking to a lawyer to see how much it is going to cost you to leave this marriage, if thats what you want to do. In some states, after the 10 year mark, its alimony in perpetuity, but perhaps with a good lawyer you can make a good case to give spousal support for a shorter time than forever.
You havent mentioned if you have children together, but its definitely worth your happiness to separate from this miserable situation.
Based in your previous post
Based in your previous post staying in a relationship because you feel sorry for your wife's circumstances isn't a good reason to continue to be a martyr and scarifice your happiness or peace of mind.
Why should taking care of her be your responsibility. I have a great idea, if you leave SS can get a job and help his mother out financially. After all she has done for him, he owes her that.
Im an idiot
I should have listened to you all. Im now in debt , broke and cannot move out because of it. No retirement savings and nearing that age. Nothing has changed. I have been a coward putting up with all of this. I have ruined my life because I stayed with these two, allowing them to use me. I still love my wife ( or the idea of having a wife) we are friends-roommates more like it and i still want to be with her for some reason. The stepson (28?) is still useless and does nothing to help. Not even trying to find a job. Wife says hes not capable- and Im starting to beleive her. Hes just a slug.
We pray to bring in the new year and Im cringing at the thought of just holding his hand during prayer.
Im thinking of one last talk about it with them both today but there is a family gathering and the talk probably wouldnt go well. I dont want to be the bad guy again. Cant ruin the holiday.
Tried marraige counselling but it failed. My wife made the counsellor quit. Wife was so unreasonable that the counsellor said she couldnt help us. Im afraid to divorce because she would indeed get any money from me that she could and I would really have nothing left. This is all my fault that I didnt act sooner.
I'm so sorry to hear this .
I'm so sorry to hear this . Have you gone to a divorce attorney to see how things might pan out if you did divorce your wife? Best of luck to you, that's no way to live in your older years.
Freedom
Freedom may be expensive but it's priceless. Please do not surrender to hopelessness.
Sometimes we're in so deep we cannot see/imagine all our options. However, as they say in 12-step programs, "Nothing changes if nothing changes," and, "Action is the magic word."
I encourage you to not give up on yourself or the possibility of freedom. (((HUGS)))