Allegations of Abuse - Pt. 2 - Need Advice
BM is expecting DH and I to have a conversation with SS during our next visitation in two weeks regarding allegations of abuse that SS supposedly told BM.
For back story, BM emailed DH a 10-paragraph email on Sunday, stating that SS broke down crying immediately after driving away from our apartment on Saturday, claiming that DH hurt him and that SS tried to report it to my parents but that I prevented him from doing so. She brought up the dream about DH hurting SS that I blogged about a few posts back. She also said that SS informed her that I eavesdrop on all of BM and SS' phone calls. She claimed that SS has been crying for months and is scared of us. She claimed that we shot SS with a Nerf gun because of not making his bed perfectly and that DH repeatedly hit SS upside the head, even when SS asked DH to stop. BM tried to say that we fail to accept SS' pleas that "No Means No and Stop Means Stop." She tried to say that she didn't send this information "to cause a fight, but only so we can improve and do better for SS." She claims that SS has been crying intermittently since March because of these issues, yet we are just now hearing about this. BM is refusing to get involved in the conversation and just said to handle it and modify how we do things in our household to accomodate SS' feelings/safety.
I spoke to some trusted friends in both the steplife and mental health world and they recommended that we have a direct discussion with SS, that is audio/video recorded" and tell him we are confused about some things and would like him to help us understand better. Then go line by line through BM's allegations: BM said that you told her that DH hurt you. Can you describe what that looked like, when and where it happened? BM says you are scared of us. Can you give us an example of scary behavior we've done? BM says you've been crying a lot to her because of these things. Can you give us an example of what circumstances lead to you crying about your visits here? Can you describe what is happening before you say these things to her? When you say these things, how does BM respond? When you tell us you want something to stop, what do we do? Can you give an example? When you tell us No to something, what happens? Can you give an example? BM tells us that you don't want to see us anymore, can you tell us a little more about that? Can you give us an example of things that happen either here or in BM's home that brings you to that thought process? When you are scared or upset with us and decide to not tell us at the moment, but wait to tell BM after the fact, what is the thought process you have in making that decision? Etc.
They then said, if SS denies all of these claims or can't provide any actual details, email BM back and let her know that the conversation was had and that SS denied all allegations and was unable to provide any information surrounding these events, thus proving that the allegations were false. Then let her know that the conversation was both audio and video recorded and will be kept for documentation purposes.
Thoughts on this? I just feel like no matter how we handle this, it will be wrong and we will be in deep shit. This all just feels like a trap.
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Does your DH still have his
Does your DH still have his lawyer on retainer? Would it be in his best interest to just forgo visitation given his hands are tied in fighting these false abuse allegations since he is not allowed to do anything in the way of getting SS in to see a therapist to find the root cause of his confusion and lies? Can BM's false allegations affect you or your DH's careers? I think she's giving you a "warning" at this point, but I foresee her involving the police and CPS soon. I mean really how are you supposed to combat her lies? Aside from having cameras in your home and not telling SS they are there and then showing the police and CPS the evidence?
I think sitting SS down and recording the talk could be viewed as an interrogation and could be used against DH given how BM wants to skew things.
We do not have his attorney
We do not have his attorney on retainer. Honestly, I would trust his attorney and feel that he was a waste of time and money. We did consult a friend of my Dad's who is an experienced family law attorney. He said that we need to get cameras in the home and record audio conversations that seem suspicious. We are implementing new boundaries. SS will no longer have nerf guns, we are removing them from our home, he will do all phone calls in his room, and we will not allow any roughhousing/tackling/wrestling play behavior.
The lawyer said that we should see how this upcoming visitation goes and if she continues, then forgo visitation.
BM told DH that DH needs to have this heart to heart with SS, but it feels like a trap. I think maybe we should just put the boundaries in place and if he asks about them, then we explain why they are that way. "Where are my nerf guns?" "Well, SS, your Mom said that you we were hurting you with the Nerf guns, so we don't have them anymore." Maybe just let things happen organically and not try to turn it into a conversation.
I personally would let stuff
I personally would let stuff happen organically and don't tell him the cameras are there. If he sees one and asks ignore the question or change the subject. Personally I think the kid is being sent over with an agenda of things he's supposed to say or do while he's with you and then he gets interrogated by his mother to make sure he did them. Which would explain his "I had a scary dream daddy hurt me." and the constant crying when he first got there.
If BM truly believed SS was
If BM truly believed SS was being abused, why TF would she send him??
And if SS gets interviewed by DH, that is just giving attention to his claims, and giving him the power to do it again.
Either BM reports you to CPS, or she STFU, imo.
I wouldn't entertain this nonsense, I would ignore.
I know. That was our thought.
I know. That was our thought. If BM really thought he was being abused 1) she should have reported it and 2) she should withhold visitation. And yes, I feel like if we address it with SS, we are blowing things out of proportion, especially when they never happened.
Yikes. I wouldn't put myself
Yikes. I wouldn't put myself in the line of CPS and or a police report.... legal fees, harm to reputation, stress, etc. This bm is crazy af. You definately do not need all that when pregnant.
I get your husband wants to see his kid. But, ugh. At what cost?
My husband is willing to drop
My husband is willing to drop rope if need be, but we just aren't sure how to handle this. BM just wants us to have a heart to heart with SS, but it seems like a trap.
I smell a rat-trap
I think BM is doing all this to "yank the chain" as much as she can.
Much like Toxic Troll - that one makes all kinds of stuff up. And yet visitation goes on like normal...no court dates given, nada.
Id definitely take out the nerf funs, and get nanny cams or whatever. Document the heck out of everything.
But Im not a mental health professional. The questioning seems stressful!
Yeah I think we are just
Yeah I think we are just going to get the cameras, take the nerf guns, and let the rest go. I think having a big discussion about it will just draw more attention to it and cause bigger issues.
It’s a trap!
If BM is directing your DH to have this heart to heart with SS, she is engineering evidence and will have coached the kid heavily in the event that you do record it. If she was really concerned or didn't make it all up, she would have involved authorities or ceased visitation.
I'm not a lawyer or a mental health prof., but I would not sit him down and interview him. If he's been coached, you're getting coached answers, if he hasn't been coached, he's going to feel awful and may even get defensive of BM and you know every piece of that conversation will be reported back to her, more than likely recorded in a phone call and she will have him in tears.
I would put nanny cams around the house and remove the nerf guns. If you want to ask him about any of it, try to do it organically or ask other questions, "We were trying to think of some things to do while you're here. Did you have a good time last time you were here? What was the best part? What didn't you like?" Something like that, let him lead.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Personality I don't think it
Personality I don't think it's a good idea to discuss it with SS at all. If he is already stressed and confused from being interrogated by BM he just may break down when you try to talk to him.
You may be better off recording natural interactions between you and SS that show the opposite of what BM in claiming.
Install cameras that record
Install cameras that record and have audio. Make sure they are located in all the common areas where SS and you & DH would congregate, dining room, family room, SS bedroom. Put them in places that SS may not even notice they are there. Every visit, after he leaves, downlaod the footage and save it. Don't ask that child ANY questions. You are being set up.
Go about your business like you would on any normal weekend. "HEY SS how are you? How was school? Anything special you feel like eating this weekend?" Seriously, pretend that psycho never said a word. That will THROW HIM OFF and it for sure will throw the BM off. Once all your interactions are on tape, she will not have a leg to stand on.
Wanted to mention, BM called
Wanted to mention, BM called CPS on my BS once claiming "inappropriate touching" on GD (his daughter). CPS, after doing their investigation and declaring the allegations unfounded, they turned the investigation around on her, because they said that if in fact BS was "touching" his daughter, SHE continually put GD in harms way by continually leaving her with him. They found her to make malicious statements in an effort to taint my sons reputation. She never pulled that stunt again. That's when we installed all the cameras.