Husband is still paying for ex’s child 100% / paternity confusion
I have been wrestling with a complicated situation that got even more complicated today… I recently married the man of my dreams, my best friend, and love of my life. I’m a mother of one 6year old little girl and he’s the father of a 6 year old boy. When I met him I knew he had children and by children I mean his little boy, and his sister, whom the mother (his ex) had from a previous relationship. The little girl is 9. My husband is an incredible father and he works hard as a military pilot to provide for everyone. He was married for 4.5 years to his ex with the daughter, and she left him for another man while he was on his 4th deployment. He returned home and she was gone with the kids and ran back to her hometown. He of course forgave her and tried to work things out but her behavior became out of control. She drank often, and even tried to set their house on fire with the kids inside when it was his weekend with them.
I didn’t quite get into the details of the relationship between the little girl and little boy, assuming it was just my wonderful husband stepping in to be a father figure for the little girl, because the “biological father” apparently died before she was born. She was given his last name (the man who passed away) and his family still remains in her life. This is why I assumed this now 9 year old child knew her background, since she has the last name of this man and has a relationship with his family. After the divorce my husband asked his ex why she never collected social security from his death, as he was a windmill worker and had pretty good benefits. She said it required a DNA test and she would “do it someday.” A year later she did it and found out this man was NOT the father, and apparently she had known all along which is why she didn’t want to take the test. She told the family, and they were devastated. But, they still ‘grandparent’ this child.
Now that my husband and I have been married awhile, and I’m ready to start trying for another child of our own, he all of the sudden changed his tune and says “we already have 3.” I never understood why he continues to say this, when we have 2 children. I had been noticing however, he was still paying all of the little girls bills still, buying her bday and Christmas gifts, buying her school clothes and supplies, and kept her on his insurance as well as sending child support payments for both the little boy and girl. We are currently PCS’d in another state and the kids mostly live with their mom except on breaks. Originally, the little boy was to spend the summer with us and the girl would be with her mom. Totally normal! Well, the little girl also showed up for the summer and has been causing ENDLESS problems. Breaking the little kids toys, stealing money and personal items, helping herself to my clothes and makeup, throwing tantrums, criticizing me, and playing the whiny “daddy daddy” card.
This afternoon my husband was on a work trip and she came into my room as I was folding clothes and she asked, “why do my brother and I have different last names?” And I was extremely confused. Clearly this child knows why. I said “um, because you have different dads, right?” And she looked at me very confused and says “no! Mommy and daddy had me, then they had my brother!” I’m like, oh, Um, I don’t know then, you’ll have to ask your mom or dad. I immediately called and confronted my husband and demanded to know what they’re telling this girl. He said “it’s not his place to tell her the truth…” he said he’s begged his ex to tell her the truth but she doesn’t feel it’s important. Keep in mind she will not and has never allowed my husband to legally adopt her, yet she writes his last name on school papers, etc. but her birth certificate says the other mans last name. The girl legitimately believes she has 2 last names. A “birth certificate” name and a “normal” name. I am honestly in absolute awe that the truth is so distorted for her, and it’s making it very hard for me to continue to be understanding when she acts the way she does and gets away with it. I married him believing that it would be a transition and the ex “step child” would gradually spend less time with us, but now she is spending more time with us and we are spending more and more money, hindering our ability to have one of our own. She has also made it very clear she does not want a baby around, and she will “run away.” Am I a bad person for being upset that my husband is 100% fathering and financially supporting a child who is not his, and will continue to, just because the mother will not tell her the truth and he feels guilty? He loves her of course, and I love that he still includes her, but when an ex step child causes problems in a new family and causes physical and emotional harm on my child and his child, younger than her, I have a big problem. Thoughts are welcomed!
I think your feelings are 100
I think your feelings are 100% justified. You entered into this marriage with the belief that your husband had accepted the reality of this situation and that he would be transitioning her out of the family due to lack of paternity. Had you two previously decided you both wanted more kids? If so, it sounds like he is pulling a bait and switch.
Honestly, this man still seems too enmeshed with BM and this idea of a "family" with her. If he wasn't, he wouldn't be trying so hard to keep this all together. He is not responsible for this child, yet he keeps providing for her. Why? That is really the question. He owes her nothing and keeps going along with this fantasy. Your DH and BM are going to screw this 9 year old girl up by keeping this secret. Your DH needs to walk away and leave this on BM since BM made her choices that led to a child with a different man. Let BM take the heat for that one and have to explain this complex situation to her child.
If not adding a baby is a dealbreaker you, I would reconsider this marriage because it sounds like your DH is no longer interested in adding to the family. Ignore this girl's feelings about adding a baby. It isnt up to children to make adult decisions and she has no right to have a say in the matter. No man, especially with these complications, is worth giving up your wants and dreams for. I would also reconsider before you do get pregnant and then you feel stuck. Take time to look at the whole situation and weigh the pros and cons. Evaluate if you did add a baby, what would that do to the dynamic? How do you think your DH would treat that baby compared to the other kids (especially if DH didn't want more kids)? Etc. If the answer to any of these questions is negative, I would consider ending the marriage as people rarely change.
Thank you for the awesome
Thank you for the awesome response and advice! I feel way less crazy after reading these, especially when it's a situation that's nearly impossible to articulate and make any sense. It doesn't make sense AT ALL!
In response to your questions, yes we talked about having kids and he was over the moon about it. I had a very successful career I gave up and many loyal employees and customers who were pretty devastated. I expressed that the only way I could handle this new military lifestyle was if I could finally have time to be a mom. My daughter spent 70% of her life with a nanny and 30% of her life with me at my restaurants and bakeries. I couldn't watch her grow up like that anymore. I went back to work 3 days after having her and brought her with me. My job made it very hard for me to have a relationship, which is why I fell for the calm and caring person he is who completely made me step outside my comfort zone. I wanted the chance to enjoy what few years of "littleness" my daughter had left, and get to experience being a mother to a baby... We got pregnant in March and I had a miscarriage just a couple weeks ago at 16 weeks. It was terrible. He almost seemed relieved. The day I delivered the baby was the day his son and 'daughter' showed up for the summer. And I of course took no time to rest, I was making birthday cakes, cleaning the house, making beds, etc. I had a mental breakdown the next day when I woke up and the house was trashed. Let's just say the BM raises her kids A LOT different than I raise mine. There are no manners, hygiene, common courtesy, cleanliness/willingness to help or pick up after themselves, nothing. My husband does have my back and is very good about disciplining them, but when I express my frustrations he just says "they're just like their mom and this is what she allows."
Today after I took the kids to the pool, he's still on his work trip, I finally confronted him about how bothered I am about the situation. Dealing with this child's lying, stealing, manipulating, and awful behavior have completely taken away from my ability to take care of myself, grieve and process what just happened, and focus on what I need to be doing. Which is prepare for custody trial for my daughter (who I don't have with me) because her narcissist father *a whole other story* has her 800 miles away. Why don't I have my child if he's an abusive narcissist? Oh, because I've been living off of my savings since we moved to a new base and have yet to combine our accounts. I pay my car myself, I buy the kids clothes and everything they could need, groceries, my legal bills, etc. When my legal bill got to 10k I had to drop my lawyer and study night and day to represent myself. I told my husband it would be really nice to have a little bit of financial assistance while I try to get MY child back, instead of him pay for the ex's child. After I confronted him today all he said was "I just want to do what's best for the kids, and their mom is obviously messed up, so I know she won't take care of them..." and when I said then she doesn't need to spend 50% of the time with us, he said "my son would take it really hard." HE IS 6! I explained that I have lived the very same situation, except I knew my stepdad wasn't my dad, and I knew my dad wasn't in the picture. That was OKAY! And when my mom divorced my stepdad and my siblings spent half their time with him and I was by myself, I actually loved it! I was also 9 and didn't think anything of it. He has too much pride to admit he's being walked all over, and it sucks because he's so sweet and loving and he really does care about everyone. I just don't feel like a priority, and I feel I'm talking to the wind
Gosh, I'm so sorry for your
Gosh, I'm so sorry for your loss. (((((HUGS))))) That must have been devastating.
Why are you paying for everything for his kids? Please stop that immediately and demand back payment for what you've already invested. I am angry for you that you spend your money on his kids but couldn't afford to continue to pay your lawyer. Why isn't he paying for them?And yes, I'm sorry to say that you are right, you are not his priority.
Im so sorry you are going through this!
And my condolences on your loss. I imagine you are still going through the grieving process.
SO, with your financial situation, you really need to stand strong about not paying more money towards the kiddos. You never answered my question about if the Sd is harming the others, so Ill move on from that question, but seriously, the bigger issue definitely is that your husband was dishonest. He sees this as being for "the higher good". The good of the one (ex SD) over the good of the many (you, him, stepkid and your bio).
He needs to get these things straightened out. You also need to consider that your bio is your priority and getting her back in your life should be your focus, not his kids and not-kids. I think its easy to focus on things that are immediately in your realm of controll when there are things outside of your control, but hopefully you can get time with her.
And take some time out for you, to heal from your loss.
Update
Oh gosh, I completely left that part out and don't know why! Probably because I don't even know where to begin. She doesn't hurt the other kids but she's mentally hurting them. She bullies them, breaks their things, blames them, sets them up / manipulates everyone, etc. and the other day on my daughters (7yo) first day here she, " SD" put lotion on her toothbrush and laughed when she brushed her teeth with it. She also told her she looks like a baby in her bunny shirt she was so proud to wear, so much so that she took it off with big alligator tears in her eyes and put on something else. I must also mention that when at home with her mom she self harms, she scratches herself, bites her nails down to the nubs, cuts her hair off in chunks, etc. she's a very unstable young lady and I've been having to spend my days keeping a close eye on her.
When I had reached my breaking point this week, I pulled my husband aside and vented. I cried, explained how this pregnancy loss is really starting to hit me and sink in, and the overwhelming amount of energy his kids require due to their behavioral issues, is something I'm having a lot of trouble with. I finally said, I need you to understand where I'm coming for and why I'm upset. I feel I'm having to take a back seat to this girl, and her mother, and that his current family is mentally falling apart because of them. He took serious offense to this.
It took alot of courage for me to spill my guts and I did because we have an icredible relationship. We never fight, not once. He's never raised his voice or swore at me, and he has the most best friend/teammate attitude. But today, I saw a different side of him after this talk. He sent me and SS7 and Daughter7, to the pool so they (him and this girl) could have a "serious talk" and he said he would be taking her home tomorrow. Instead, we return home from the pool and his son had done the diving board for the very first time and was so excited to tell him! He was working out and she was sitting right next to him sweet as can be playing the "daddy daddy" card and was ALL SMILES for someone who was apparently staying home from the pool as punishment and was in big trouble. He ignored all of us the entire evening and the 7 year olds grabbed their I spy book and took it on the back deck to read. On their own, without us asking! Without her around them they suddenly turned into little angels who could be themselves. He sat next to her, exSD, inside instead and read her a story, taking a quick break to tell the littles they need to go to bed. Very sternly! I informed him that I would be up late at my desk with my mom working on the trial prep (due in 3 days) and that I would be talking about things the kids shouldn't hear. He said ok, but then proceeded to let this girl stay up late and watch tv and sleep on the sectional. IN THE SAME ROOM! With the tv loud, distracting me. He said he would "stay down there with her so she can't get up and get her tablet!" And for the first time he went to sleep without saying goodnight or I love you, and continued to enable this child giving her the one on one she manipulated him for, and the littles are the ones who suffered. I woke him up on my way up to bed and he said he's not sleeping with me tonight. For the first time ever.
I said, I'm really bothered by your response to our convo today and the way you're enabling her (exSD) She didn't apologize to my daughter, or her brother for breaking his truck or putting lotion on the toothbrush. She was REWARDED! He then snapped at me for the very first time in our marriage and said "f you, sorry my sh***y kids bother you so much, I could say the same about yours but I don't. Get off my a**, I listened to you complain earlier and apparently I'm wrong on what you wanted me to do about it. You told me to punish her so I did. Are you happy? I know you're so busy and don't have time but if you could bother to preoccupy them for 2 hours while I have a meeting tomorrow that would be great. I don't want you to have to cater to them though, you're too exhausted!" I immediately felt shock run through my body and instantly said "who are you?!" That wasn't the man I married, the man I know, the man he is. I told myself after an 8 year physically, mentally, financially, and verbally abusive relationship with my ex that no matter what I would never ever let someone speak down to me or tell me my problems and feelings aren't valid, or make me feel like a burden for talking out my concerns. I didn't argue or raise my voice. I shed some really big tears and told him this isn't what I signed up for and although I love him, I can't spell it out any more clearly. As his wife, I'm not ok with the financial position he's putting me in, the lonliness and sadness I feel, and this ex step child he's 100% paying for being in our lives manipulating us into a fight. Something I didn't think would ever be possible. I'm sick about this situation and in my gut I don't feel it can be fixed. I no longer feel like I can vent, I no longer feel like a priority, I no longer feel like my daughter will ever be as loved and included by him as the exSD is, and I feel that he officially resents me. I know I definitely resent him. I don't want another project person. Let alone 3 of them. I don't even know how to wrap my head around this situation tonight.
Your situation
Is this 9 yo little girl harming the other children in the house? Consider getting cameras to catch the lies and stealing, and to protect the other children.
Its hard enough dealing with the step children, but add in stepchildren that are toxic, and that creates a burden filled with resentment.
Now you add a "stepchild that isnt", and the fact that this child creates problems, lies and steals, causes your husband to not want another child with you, and you have an extra special mix of resentment and frustration and anger. Her behavior will not get better over time. Your husband - where is he in the discipline area? Does he support you or take sides against you? You are in a losing situation if he doesnt have your back.
Are you given all responsibiity and no authority? What happens when she is caught? Does she get any repercussions for her actions?
I get that you love this man, but sometimes love is just not enough to pull you through the tough times.
I feel its time you have a huge heart to heart. No more paying 100% of the childs bills. The marital assetts are half yours. Thats your money he is giving away. No more visitation if she is harming your children. He needs to deal with this in a way that doesnt harm you or his family, and being at BM's mercy over telling the child the truth is no good either. Its ridiculous that this situation continues. just my opinion, of course.
I would be upset with my
I would be upset with my husband for not being honest. While it may be BM's lie, he is complicit in it.. he continues to behave and act in ways that support her version of "truth/lie". Of course this girl believes that he is her father.. he acts like it.. her mom has told her he is.. and the pesky little hints like her last name? at her age.. she is just getting to the point where stuff like that is starting to set off her spidey senses. Even the involvement of the other guy's family (who isn't the father either).. I'm sure she is just in that childlike fog and they are her relatives.. but she hasn't really thought that all through yet.. and lots of kids have large extended families.. more than two sets of grands etc...
And this IS a tough situation for him and this girl.. he has acted like her father for most of the time she has really had awareness... no doubt he came to care for her.. love her. and it's not as easy to walk away since he DOES have a child with the girl's mother.. though side note here.. has he had paternity done there? not that it would likely make a difference.. just wondering if he wonders.
But, back to his deceptions to you.. he misled you.. he did not give you all the facts you needed to make a decision as to whether you wanted to be in a relationship with him.. now he is telling you that another child is off the table because he intends to continue the relationship and financing of a child that isn't his? How on earth did he sign a CO with financial obligations to the girl if she isn't his? That seems really crazy. I mean, I get that he might still want to spend time with her and be in her life.. but it isn't his responsibility to pay CS.. or at least it shouldn't be.
You and he need to have some tough conversations.. you assumed one path forward.. you need to be honest in what your preconcieved notion was for your lives.. he needs to present his side.. and you need to work through what this does mean.
And.. the girl's behavior needs some tightening up by HIM.. if he is going to father her.. he doesn't allow this bad acting up on his watch!
If I wanted another child and
If I wanted another child and my DH wasn't willing to have another because of this unrelated child, that would be the end for me. It's one thing if it's his own child for whom he is legally obligated. He has no obligation to this child other than to tell her the truth, IMO. Lies and bait and switch have no place in my life. FWIW, I think it IS your husband's place to tell the girl the truth if she's been told he's her father. He is complicit in a lie by not correcting what BM is telling her. He should let BM know that if she doesn't come clean, he will tell her the truth if she asks.
Every bit of this.
Every bit of this.
Yes!!!!!!
YES! I told him that I feel hurt and blindsided, and that although he thinks he's being commendable and responsible, and "doing it for his son," he's really just being manipulated and controlled. The kids are clearly being used as a sword. I told him maybe it's to put the heat on her, clearly all she wants is money, and if she wants to continue to have him support 2 children and not just the 1 he's legally obligated to, then hand over the adoption papers! Or, he needs to clear his conscience and tell her the truth. So, she can do it or he can do it. I cannot understand why someone would take take take for over 6 years and not allow that person to have legal parental rights. Not many people willingly step up in that kind of situation, the BM should be grateful, but she's not!
The chiold is acting out
The chiold is acting out because she's not stupid and knows that there's something going on. Otherwise, why would she have asked the last name question at all?
By the way, given that the DNA test showed that the presumed father was not the father, does she even know who is?
She’s very good at playing dumb
She knows exactly what's going on and I can feel it! She's asking me these questions while her dad is away in hopes I'll spill what I know.
And I had to talk to my MIL in order to find out that no, no she does not know who the girls biological father is. If that was me, I would quickly sweep it under the rug and allow the man willingly fathering my child to adopt her. This is why I'm so shocked and I can't possibly get inside her head and throught process!
The kid needs the facts
The kid needs the facts inluding that her father loves her and cares for her regardless of her lying whore of a mother's bullshit.
Poor kid.
This evil breeder of a BM has manupulated so many people, destroyed a dead man's reputation and parents,lied to a child about her father(s), manipulates an honorable man of character and should be forced to live every second of the rest of her disgusting life with her nose firmly planted in stench of her lying evil manipulative bullshit.
smh
Are you in my brain?
After being polite, kind, and understanding because I want to be a supportive newlywed, I'm really just kind of done. You stole every word right out of my mouth on how I really feel. As a mother, I could NEVER! And as a child whose father gave up his rights at birth, I grew up a normal and happy child because my mother was honest with me! She gave me age appropriate details and as far as I knew a dad was a dad whether it was my stepdad, my grand dad, or my god dad. I had so many wonderful men in my life who played that role, and to me that's what a "dad" was. When I got older my mom did sit me down and tell me if I was ever curious she would be happy to show me pictures of him, or answer questions about his hobbies and talents. When I got to be an adult she told me if I wanted to contact my bio dad I could, because of course he reached out to her once he saw me on tv and suddenly wanted back in my life... and I told her no thank you. I had all the love I needed and she probably went through some very tough times to protect me or make sure someone was there for me at the school daddy daughter dance, or to help me car shop, help me move into my dorm, etc. I didn't need to find my dad because I grew up knowing he was out there, but TAUGHT that love isn't about blood. This child will never feel that...
I married him believing that
I married him believing that it would be a transition and the ex “step child” would gradually spend less time with us
Did he tell you this or did you just assume?
Unless you actually had a conversation about your expectations (that he would transition out of her life), I'm not sure that you have cause to be upset about the girl, you knew that he was being a dad to her before you married him.
Him changing his mind, or lying to you, about having kids with you is another issue... and a pretty big one.
I do feel for you regarding the girl, step life is hard enough to deal with, without having to deal with a child that is not even his. Her showing up for the summer when she wasn't supposed to is unacceptable.
That issue aside, if you really want a child and he's denying you that, that is a deal breaker. The two issues, together, are going to cause a lot of resentment.
If the girl thinks that your husband is her dad, who does she think the dead guy's family is, that she spends time with?
I also agree that your husband has every right to tell this girl the truth, if BM won't.