Clingy and smothering 11SS

I don't know if anyone is going to see this or respond to it, because no one has responded to my other posts on here...but figured I'd try. My bf and I have been together for five years. He has a 14 year old daughter and 11 year old son. His daughter is nothing like his son. She just keeps to herself and acts like a typical teen. His son is very overbearing with my bf. Always has been. I thought it would get better with age, but I don't think it has. We literally do not get 2 minutes to ourselves when they're here. 11SS is constantly following BF around, sitting on his lap, laying on him, rubbing his back/arm/face/chest, climbing on him, talking nonstop so I can't get a word in. If BF leaves the room, he follows or starts calling for him. He won't go to sleep unless BF lays with him. He calls him dada like he's a baby, says I love you a million times a day. Its absolutely exhausting. If bf is not around, 11 and I get along great. As soon as he gets home, it's like a switch. He gets weird and I get upset. I literally just shut down. I feel neglected and powerless. And I know 11 is purposely trying to compete with me for BF attention/love. I feel like a third wheel, and I don't approve of his behavior. But I can only say so much. Apparently no one else thinks it's a problem. They just say "oh he loves his daddy". I can't say anything to my MIL because she just makes excuses and is very bias about the situation, so why bother. He is purposely putting a wedge in between my boyfriend and I, and I honestly don't know how much longer I can take it. Or what else I can do. If I disengage (like I do when I shut down) I'm the bad guy, and then me and my BF end up fighting.

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What does your BF say?

What does your BF think about this? Does he think it's normal? The reason I ask is that my DH got annoyed if one of our boys was acting babyish.

Who is calling you the bad guy

When you disengage? If it is your BF, you obviously have a BF problem and not really an SS problem.

Yep this. Your bf doesn't

Yep this. Your bf doesn't think it's weird? A kid that big laying all over him? Kid wouldn't do iy if bf didn't allow it.

Yuck. This would 10000% turn me off.

Apparently no one in their

Apparently no one in their family thinks it's odd but me. Granted he is small for his age, but he's still 11 years old. Their mother is a total enabler. She babies him more than anyone. The 11 year old still sleeps in her bed every night.
I absolutely agree with you. He allows him to behave the way he does. The kid has everyone wrapped around his finger. BF will tell him "come on you're hurting me" or "come on sit here", but not a direct response to address the weird behavior.

Oh, the old "small for his

Oh, the old "small for his age" excuse. I've heard that one. "He may act immature and out of control, but you have to remember that maturity-wise he's many years behind his peers." Um, no. Unless there is a legitimate developmental delay, that excuse doesn't hold water. Kids who are small for their age often get away with acting immature and kids who are big for their age are often expected to act more mature. Both are wrong IMO and if the parents won't treat them like the age they are, i think it sets them up for problems with their actual peers, who they have to go to school with and act like at school or risk being in trouble all the time. That's bad for their self-esteem (which bioparents seem to value above all else.) Whose fault is it that a kid behaves immaturely? Unless they are legit delayed or have a disorder, it's the parents!

ETA i wonder if you told your boyfriend "Oh, i see. You're small for your age too, is that why you don't do what you should?"

It's both of them. SS acts

It's both of them. SS acts the way he does, and BF allows it. Or rarely corrects it. No one directly calls me the bad guy, but if I'm always pointing out things that none of them see or think is an issue, then of course I look like I am the bad guy.

Your bf is ok with his son

Your bf is ok with his son behaving like a toddler? He can't possibly think this is normal, please tell me he doesn't... Does the kid carry on like this in public? How about when your bf picks him up from school? In front of his peers?

He's better in public than at

He's better in public than at our house. Still clingy, but not as bad as at home. He has anxiety that he's on medication for, but I'm not sure it's helping as much as it should be.

It sounds like your boyfriend

It sounds like your boyfriend and his mother encourage this behavior. Maybe if you ask him to picture himself at age 11, at that point either in junior high or close to it. What grade was he in, who were his friends? Describe some of his son's behaviors and ask your boyfriend if that's how he acted. Ask him what his own father or siblings or school friemds would have said to him if he acted like that in front of them. Does he want that for his son? His son isn't a baby anymore and he needs to be teaching him to act like the preteen young man that he (at least physically) is.

How much custody time does your boyfriend get ?

Is it minimal ? How long ago did the parents split, was it recent ? I hoping yes to both these questions and that this child is still settling.
Can you suggest the two of them go out and do things alone together, sounds like this child really needs that. Can you fill your schedule when he's there more? Even just to start a new book , get a manicure, see friends ? (Saving errands for during visitation). It's not disengaging in my book to give a parent and child Quality alone time. Especially, if they're not getting it that often you're being mature to give them space. If your boyfriend sees you as rude for giving them space well that's on him. Hopefully you can communicate to him in a positive way that his son is very needy and needs his full attention and so you are going to give them space.

No, not recent. They

No, not recent. They separated more than 5 years ago. They've only ever seen him with their mom, and for the past 5 years with me. He sees them consistently, every weekend and randomly throughout the week. They're always going and doing stuff just the two of them. I've always encouraged that. It just seems like it's never enough for SS. On the rare occasion that I join, I end up feeling left out and like a third wheel most times. Unless it's the four of us. Then me and SD are usually talking while they do whatever. I think you're right. I need to do more stuff for myself. Part of the problem is that I moved to this state to be with BF, and I don't really know anyone here. But I think you're absolutely right. I'm just going to start going and doing other stuff while they have their time together..and continue praying that everything works out. Thank you this was very helpful ♥️

I feel your pain

Hi,

I went through the same thing with my stepdaughter when she was about that age. Her dad explained that she and her sisters didn't get any attention at their mom's house, so they were attention starved when they got to our house. Their mom is a narcissist who never had any interest in being there for them. So, the kid was literally sidling up to my arm and pressing her lips to my skin, sometimes sucking. I tripped over her constantly. I wasn't used to having kids hanging on my body all the time, because before I met him I had a cat. That's it. That was my training on dealing with the shit show of having kids. LOL. Needles to say, this freaked me out. I googled it - and found it was called "stimming" which is like a behavior that calms them - equivalent to a fidget spinner or thumb sucking. I like my stepdaughters, (the two younger ones, anyway) so I would calmly ask her to stop doing that. Then I would move away from her. She eventually outgrew it. She still has wierd habits, but we are wierdos in our own way.

Your stepson sounds like he is terrified of losing his dad. I know kids like that can be very aggressive in competing with you, so I would recommend not escalating the competition. You are the adult, and so is his dad. You can talk with his dad in private and ask him to support you when you need a moment alone with him. Ask the kid calmly and in a nice tone to give you and daddy 5 minutes. Then set the timer and give him a distraction, like a new toy or a dessert he likes. If dad doesn't back you up, then dad is the problem. Also, try doing more activities where all of you can participate. My stepkids ate this up. Board games, yard games, card games, listening to new kinds of music, eating family meals where you ask the kid about how his day went, etc. I think if he feels more secure - which takes time - he will back off a bit. That's just my two cents worth.