Let him plan the trip and take his kids. You don't have to go.
We haven't taken any trips with SS this summer but I have passed on just about everything they have done together during this visit. Baseball game? No thinks. Laser Tag? I'm good.
Tell him that if he wants this marriage to last that he'd better start thinking in terms of "couple time" ... For every trip with the skids, there must be a trip with you. Time to reinstate date nights too. You are not a room-mate and co-nanny you are his WIFE.
I only ever went on one weekend trip with DH and the SDs - to visit his mother 3 hours away. It was a disaster and I decided, never again. Why is your DH doing a "hear no evil, see no evil?" Doesn't he see that how the SD is behaving makes you not want to do this? Why is he putting zero effort into maintaining a good relationship with his wife, in allocating some couple time? I think you have a big problem with him.
I'm never quite sure how to offer advice on these sorts of things because it involves having to convince another person that they need to care about the issue and see that there is a problem. I'm under the impression that your DH sees no problem and therefore won't recognize any attempts to fix the issue.
And I'm not sure how you convince someone that this is a problem and a compromise needs to be made. Have you told him you need couples time? Have you expressed that you want date nights and a weekend away? Have to told him how it makes you feel when he ignored your relationship needs and won't even discuss a compromise that makes you happy?
If you have done that, then at this point he's making the statement that your needs, wants, and concerns are of no interest to him. Now you have to decide how you want to react to that. Is it fostering relationships with family and friends who will want to engage with you? Is it disengaging from this issue and just learning to live with it? Is it a dealbreaker that ends your marriage?
If you're at the stage where he has shut down any discussion on the topic, then you have to figure out how to proceed in your life without that component. He's not going to give it to you, at least not right now. What can YOU do to get those needs met? How long will you put up with your relationship needs being ignored? Will you circle back periodically to re-open the conversation? Can you successfully meet your relationship needs on your own?
Stop thinking about how to convince him to see your side. He knows your side and he's willfully ignoring it. So it's time to shift focus on how YOU will meet your own needs and how long you're willing to put in the work to make the relationship work without reciprocation.
I have a divorced co-worker that I overheard making frantic calls trying to find a babysitter for his 14-year-old daughter. This isn't your husband is it? By the time I was a teenager my parents regularly did things without me. They would once in awhile even go on trips just the two of them. And if we went on a family vacation they would usually pick one night to get takeout from my brother and I and then they would go on a date. Why is it that these things are totally normal and an impact family but when it's a step family it's not??
I hate hate hate trips with SD. Even a trip to go visit a family member, which is just a trip not a vacation, has to be turned into a vacation for SD. One time we were going to visit my family that I hadn't seen in close to a year and because of SD's schedule we were able to go for Christmas or for new years we had to do the couple days in between. Once SD found out that we were leaving town she wanted to come over and my DH wanted to bring her along and began listing out activities that we can do while we were visiting my family. Basically he wanted to take me away from my family in order to entertain SD. I put my foot down and she didn't come. My husband ended up pouting about it because SD wouldn't give him the time of day so he didn't see her until January!
Unfortunately we cant just leave her alone most of the time because of the mental health issues. She was writing about suicide and her moms mom committed suicide. We thought she was cutting herself, but now we dont anymore. But Im sorry I should've mentioned that before. I understand leaving a normal responsible teen alone for a few hours but unfortunately this isnt the case.
i have talked to him about how i think alone time for us is important. He definitely did not agree after we were first married. I may have gotten him to see my side a little bit more but When Im with him I have to hear him say stuff like "i miss the kids." So that makes me feel great. That mostly happened when they were little but yeah.
havent been anywhere with him for just a couples trip in almost 10 years. Ive voiced my concerns to him.
On these "family" trips nor until date night (alone as a couple) is established.
I got the same routine from mega guilty daddy Chef. I had to flatter hia male ego saying "I want to spend time alone with you." It worked to an extent.
He didn't think couple time was important? But he waited until after you married to break it to you that you'd just be a glorified room mate? Good grief, even the most useless of marriage counsellors will tell you that couples' time is primordial to the survival of a marriage!
I will tell you a really weird way that made family trips better for us... letting them bring a friend with them (that we approved of).
I think it sort of put them on better behavior because they would have been embarassed to act like immature turds in front of their peer. Also.. they were afraid if they DID act up that they would get scolded in front of their friend.. tres embarassing no?
It also gave them another focus... and kept them a bit more out of our hair.
But, your question was how to say "no".. and that might be just saying "no, I think you are welcome to take your children on a long weekend vacation.. but I will sit this out and enjoy some peace and quiet at home.. but let's plan a weekend for us and maybe they can arrange sleepovers at a friends for a weekend so we can make that happen".
Bringing a friend is a really good idea. It works with my teen daughter, too. Everyone ends up having a better time.
So, we've worked out how to make the trip better. Now, how to make the husband better? A relationship with no couple time is just an arrangement of convenience IMO.
For kids that age the only thing that is typically important to them is their friends/peer group. Going on vacation with their parents? leaving their social life behind (despite social media/cell phones).. is tough on them.. it is literally painful for them I think.
Having a friend does help keep them occupied and happier and that by extension makes the trip more tolerable for everyone.. and if they are old enough and you find their friend trustworthy (they all have the more presentable friends ususally.. vs the astray ones).. then they can be left to their own devices a bit within reason.
SD attitude is partly her age and probably a lack of proper parenting too. At 15 she is old enough to stay by herself for a couple of hours. If you don't want to go on these trips just say no. You don't have to. You are a grown woman. I don't blame you. We can't afford to go on vacations every year. We've been on vacations with our bios a couple of times. We never went on vacation with my SS. We couldn't afford it and I cringed at the thought of being stuck in a hotel room with him and not being able to get away unless I went to the bathroom or something. I never said anything to my husband about it but I did have those thoughts. I needed my privacy and space and felt like he would be invading those things. I never had those thoughts with our bios. Whether the bio parents want to admit it or not, it IS different with your own child vs a stepchild or the neighbors kid, etc. His kids aren't going to annoy him as much as they do you. My bios don't annoy me as much as SS used to and as much as other kids do. Bio parents don't get it unless they are also step parents. They think their kids are so wonderful even when they aren't. My husband would say stuff to me about oh if I loved him I would accept his son, if I had a kid he would love him or her, blah, blah, blah. Society expects that of us. Love me, love my kids. But sometimes the step kids are little unlikeable jerks. He didn't understand because he isn't a step parent. His attitude would've been different if I'd had a kid from a previous relationship. And he did parent SS. He also backed me if I corrected him. But we had to do a lot of correction due to his BM not parenting, which was why she couldn't handle him anymore.
Just say no. It doesn't help that at least one of them is a disrespectful little brat. Why would you want to go anywhere with them? Would he want to go on vacation with an annoying, disrespectful neighbor kid? I bet that he wouldn't.
It's sooo easy for stepless bioparents to say they would love your kids like their own, etc. They have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. I know this from experience because i didn't used to "get it." I dated people without kids and didn't realize that what i found cutely annoying in my kids was probably just really annoying to them.
This is soooooo true. He doesn't understand and never will. And its so funny that you say you do not want to be stuck in a hotel room with the SS, because that is the MAIN reason I didnt want to go on a family trip!! I actually booked us a day at the beach in an Airbnb with SEPARATE rooms for that very reason. I know it's overkill, but I so relate to that.
I have told him that I want my privacy and he gets annoyed that I dont want to stay in a hotel room with them.
For a babysitter, your DH is gaslight you. He can find a babysitter if he really look for one. You should get alone time with DH with out SD . You should go on vacation with out SD. Or go on a permanent vacation from DH
Comments
Just say no.
Just say no.
Let him plan the trip and take his kids. You don't have to go.
We haven't taken any trips with SS this summer but I have passed on just about everything they have done together during this visit. Baseball game? No thinks. Laser Tag? I'm good.
It feels so good to just NOT participate!
Tell him that if he wants
Tell him that if he wants this marriage to last that he'd better start thinking in terms of "couple time" ... For every trip with the skids, there must be a trip with you. Time to reinstate date nights too. You are not a room-mate and co-nanny you are his WIFE.
I only ever went on one
I only ever went on one weekend trip with DH and the SDs - to visit his mother 3 hours away. It was a disaster and I decided, never again. Why is your DH doing a "hear no evil, see no evil?" Doesn't he see that how the SD is behaving makes you not want to do this? Why is he putting zero effort into maintaining a good relationship with his wife, in allocating some couple time? I think you have a big problem with him.
WHAT?
SD is 15, and your DH is concerned who will watch the kids so you can get away for a few hours?
Your DH has no concept of marriage, and that a couple, even in intact marriages need time alone without the kids.
I'm never quite sure how to
I'm never quite sure how to offer advice on these sorts of things because it involves having to convince another person that they need to care about the issue and see that there is a problem. I'm under the impression that your DH sees no problem and therefore won't recognize any attempts to fix the issue.
And I'm not sure how you convince someone that this is a problem and a compromise needs to be made. Have you told him you need couples time? Have you expressed that you want date nights and a weekend away? Have to told him how it makes you feel when he ignored your relationship needs and won't even discuss a compromise that makes you happy?
If you have done that, then at this point he's making the statement that your needs, wants, and concerns are of no interest to him. Now you have to decide how you want to react to that. Is it fostering relationships with family and friends who will want to engage with you? Is it disengaging from this issue and just learning to live with it? Is it a dealbreaker that ends your marriage?
If you're at the stage where he has shut down any discussion on the topic, then you have to figure out how to proceed in your life without that component. He's not going to give it to you, at least not right now. What can YOU do to get those needs met? How long will you put up with your relationship needs being ignored? Will you circle back periodically to re-open the conversation? Can you successfully meet your relationship needs on your own?
Stop thinking about how to convince him to see your side. He knows your side and he's willfully ignoring it. So it's time to shift focus on how YOU will meet your own needs and how long you're willing to put in the work to make the relationship work without reciprocation.
I have a divorced co-worker
I have a divorced co-worker that I overheard making frantic calls trying to find a babysitter for his 14-year-old daughter. This isn't your husband is it? By the time I was a teenager my parents regularly did things without me. They would once in awhile even go on trips just the two of them. And if we went on a family vacation they would usually pick one night to get takeout from my brother and I and then they would go on a date. Why is it that these things are totally normal and an impact family but when it's a step family it's not??
I hate hate hate trips with SD. Even a trip to go visit a family member, which is just a trip not a vacation, has to be turned into a vacation for SD. One time we were going to visit my family that I hadn't seen in close to a year and because of SD's schedule we were able to go for Christmas or for new years we had to do the couple days in between. Once SD found out that we were leaving town she wanted to come over and my DH wanted to bring her along and began listing out activities that we can do while we were visiting my family. Basically he wanted to take me away from my family in order to entertain SD. I put my foot down and she didn't come. My husband ended up pouting about it because SD wouldn't give him the time of day so he didn't see her until January!
Unfortunately we cant just
Unfortunately we cant just leave her alone most of the time because of the mental health issues. She was writing about suicide and her moms mom committed suicide. We thought she was cutting herself, but now we dont anymore. But Im sorry I should've mentioned that before. I understand leaving a normal responsible teen alone for a few hours but unfortunately this isnt the case.
i have talked to him about how i think alone time for us is important. He definitely did not agree after we were first married. I may have gotten him to see my side a little bit more but When Im with him I have to hear him say stuff like "i miss the kids." So that makes me feel great. That mostly happened when they were little but yeah.
havent been anywhere with him for just a couples trip in almost 10 years. Ive voiced my concerns to him.
No bedroom activites
On these "family" trips nor until date night (alone as a couple) is established.
I got the same routine from mega guilty daddy Chef. I had to flatter hia male ego saying "I want to spend time alone with you." It worked to an extent.
He didn't think couple time
He didn't think couple time was important? But he waited until after you married to break it to you that you'd just be a glorified room mate? Good grief, even the most useless of marriage counsellors will tell you that couples' time is primordial to the survival of a marriage!
What did his first marriage die of? Boredom?
I will tell you a really
I will tell you a really weird way that made family trips better for us... letting them bring a friend with them (that we approved of).
I think it sort of put them on better behavior because they would have been embarassed to act like immature turds in front of their peer. Also.. they were afraid if they DID act up that they would get scolded in front of their friend.. tres embarassing no?
It also gave them another focus... and kept them a bit more out of our hair.
But, your question was how to say "no".. and that might be just saying "no, I think you are welcome to take your children on a long weekend vacation.. but I will sit this out and enjoy some peace and quiet at home.. but let's plan a weekend for us and maybe they can arrange sleepovers at a friends for a weekend so we can make that happen".
Bringing a friend is a really
Bringing a friend is a really good idea. It works with my teen daughter, too. Everyone ends up having a better time.
So, we've worked out how to make the trip better. Now, how to make the husband better? A relationship with no couple time is just an arrangement of convenience IMO.
For kids that age the only
For kids that age the only thing that is typically important to them is their friends/peer group. Going on vacation with their parents? leaving their social life behind (despite social media/cell phones).. is tough on them.. it is literally painful for them I think.
Having a friend does help keep them occupied and happier and that by extension makes the trip more tolerable for everyone.. and if they are old enough and you find their friend trustworthy (they all have the more presentable friends ususally.. vs the astray ones).. then they can be left to their own devices a bit within reason.
SD attitude is partly her age
SD attitude is partly her age and probably a lack of proper parenting too. At 15 she is old enough to stay by herself for a couple of hours. If you don't want to go on these trips just say no. You don't have to. You are a grown woman. I don't blame you. We can't afford to go on vacations every year. We've been on vacations with our bios a couple of times. We never went on vacation with my SS. We couldn't afford it and I cringed at the thought of being stuck in a hotel room with him and not being able to get away unless I went to the bathroom or something. I never said anything to my husband about it but I did have those thoughts. I needed my privacy and space and felt like he would be invading those things. I never had those thoughts with our bios. Whether the bio parents want to admit it or not, it IS different with your own child vs a stepchild or the neighbors kid, etc. His kids aren't going to annoy him as much as they do you. My bios don't annoy me as much as SS used to and as much as other kids do. Bio parents don't get it unless they are also step parents. They think their kids are so wonderful even when they aren't. My husband would say stuff to me about oh if I loved him I would accept his son, if I had a kid he would love him or her, blah, blah, blah. Society expects that of us. Love me, love my kids. But sometimes the step kids are little unlikeable jerks. He didn't understand because he isn't a step parent. His attitude would've been different if I'd had a kid from a previous relationship. And he did parent SS. He also backed me if I corrected him. But we had to do a lot of correction due to his BM not parenting, which was why she couldn't handle him anymore.
Just say no. It doesn't help that at least one of them is a disrespectful little brat. Why would you want to go anywhere with them? Would he want to go on vacation with an annoying, disrespectful neighbor kid? I bet that he wouldn't.
It's sooo easy for stepless
It's sooo easy for stepless bioparents to say they would love your kids like their own, etc. They have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. I know this from experience because i didn't used to "get it." I dated people without kids and didn't realize that what i found cutely annoying in my kids was probably just really annoying to them.
This is soooooo true. He
This is soooooo true. He doesn't understand and never will. And its so funny that you say you do not want to be stuck in a hotel room with the SS, because that is the MAIN reason I didnt want to go on a family trip!! I actually booked us a day at the beach in an Airbnb with SEPARATE rooms for that very reason. I know it's overkill, but I so relate to that.
I have told him that I want my privacy and he gets annoyed that I dont want to stay in a hotel room with them.
Couples need time alone to
Couples need time alone to bond and work on their relationship. He is being SELFISH!
Agreed. Does anyone know why
Agreed. Does anyone know why he would be this way? I think its strange that he wants to be around the kids alllll the time.
Prior guilt
That they are Children Of Divorce (TM) and "don't have their mom." (TM)
Retired prison guard
For a babysitter, your DH is gaslight you. He can find a babysitter if he really look for one. You should get alone time with DH with out SD . You should go on vacation with out SD. Or go on a permanent vacation from DH