Not about a stepchild but a future brother in law
Hello All,
I have a problem but it isn't about a stepchild but it is about a family member and I need advice. It's about my sister's boyfriend who is more than likely going to end up being my brother in law. I know it's not a usual topic but I could really use some advice.
Over Labor Day weekend, my sister and her boyfriend stayed with us. The boyfriend ended up leaving his computer charger. After about a week he sent me a text asking me to ship his computer charger. At first I couldn't find this computer charger but after a few days I was able to locate it. During this time, he would text me every day, several times a day asking if I shipped his charger. I would reply. "No, I haven't found it but as soon as I find it, I'll ship it." He would text my husband as well. My sister would also text me asking to send it. I work a full time job and I live in a small town where the post office is closed on the weekends and only is open till 4:30 during the week. It's hard for me to take off from my job to go and ship this charger. Well, one Saturday I had made the trek to a UPS store in the next town so I could ship this charger to find that the UPS store had moved to another location. Then when I went to the other location it had already closed at 1:00pm. During this time, I had received five text messages asking if I shipped his charger. After the fifth text message and dealing with frustration of being unable to find an open UPS, I tried calling my sister to tell her to ask her boyfriend to back off with the text messages. She didn't answer. The boyfriend ended up calling me. I was so frustrated that I said " I've tried going to three places to ship it. I'm giving it to my mom to ship it during the week, STOP TEXTING ME ABOUT IT," and hung up the phone. (I had called my mom about not being able to ship it during the week because I had work and she offered to ship it for me since she is retired and doesn't work during the week).
The boyfriend then proceeds to text me " I've only been nicely asking you to ship it for 3 weeks. lol" to which I don't respond because I am so done with this situation. Then he texts me " Don't appreciate you yelling at me over the phone either, I didn't do anything but ask you to ship my charger." For the record, I didn't "yell" at him but I was very stern when I told him to stop texting me. At this point I don't respond to any of his text but text my sister to ask her boyfriend to stop texting me again. I didn't respond to him because I knew by replying it would start this back and forth argument with him and I was not going to engage in a juvenile argument with him.
On Monday, I call my sister on my way home from work. We have the same amount of commute time and a few times a week we call each other to catch up on our drive home. I didn't bring up what happened over the weekend because I was done discussing it. However, my sister brought it up and asked exactly what happened. I told her word for word what happend. My sister isn't upset at all but she tries to explain that when her boyfriend was young his mom was very verbally abusive to him and his ex wife was also mean to him so people raising their voices is very triggering to him. To which I responded, " I'm not his mom, I'm not his wife, I'm not his girlfriend, it's not my job to police his emotions." Again, I thought this conversation was over. But later that night he sends me this long text message about how he doesn't "tolerate being yelled at by anyone" and "dont come at me sideways" and if I treat him like that again he'll do the engagment planning without me. (He had discussed how he wanted to propose to my sister later this year) Again, I don't reply to the text because I am not getting in a text argument with him. But his text made me very uncomfortable and felt threatened by it.
Here's my dilemma, my sister and I are at the point in our lives where we are very close. She loves my son so much. I'm afraid this is going to cause tension between us and while I would never ask her to choose between me and her boyfriend, I'm afraid she's going to distance herself from us because of everything. I was planning on taking my son to visit them during fall break next month but now I don't feel comfortable staying in their apartment with her boyfriend. They also plan on coming in the weekend of Halloween to go trick or treating with my son and I know they'll expect to be staying with us like they usually do, but I do not feel comfortable with her boyfriend staying with me after how he acted.
What do I do? Do I tell my sister I don't mind if they come to visit us but I don't feel comfortable with her boyfriend staying at our house after what happened over that stupid computer charger? My sister will probably end up marrying this boy and honestly I think she's making a big mistake because this isn't the first time he has acted this way. I really don't want there to be tension between us.
TBH, the dude sounds pretty
TBH, the dude sounds pretty dang immature. First of all, he was the one that caused this whole situation by forgetting his charger at his house. Then hounding you multiple times a day to deal with his mistake was really over the top.
Then when you express some frustration over the process and the fact that he repeatedly bugs you about it? He pulls in the "childhood trauma" card to beat you over the head and give himself a pass for his crummy behavior.
At this point, I might just toss the cord and tell him you mailed it with the post office.. just regular mail no tracking.. oh you didn't get it? well I sent it.. oh well.. USPS isn't the greatest.. what a shame.
A laptop charger is not some super high cost item either.. you can buy them for 20-50 bucks online depending on your machine.. I mean, it is likely the cost of sending it would be what the replacement cost is!!
Did he send you money so you could mail it to him? no? again.. he caused this and now he is mad because you haven't made his lack of attention an emergency for you.
I honestly might consider sending the following to your sister.
Hey Sis, I'm really sorry this whole laptop cord thing has blown up. I am frustrated because I was just trying to fix a problem that I didn't create and get your BF his laptop cord. Unfortunately, due to my schedule and proximity to a place to mail it.. it was taking more time and effort on my end and I didn't really appreciate the fact that DH and I were being asked about the status multiple times a day. I was doing your BF a favor and perhaps it was taking longer than he wanted.. but I was trying to help in the first place by returning it.. and when people are doing you a favor, you shouldn't demand their compliance with your timeline. I'm sorry if your BF thought I was yelling at him when I expressed frustration over him basically hounding us over this situation. Obviously, I didn't intend to cause him trauma, but he had to get the message that multiple texts a day was getting old and quite frankly, if he had been responsible and remembered his cord in the first place this would never have even been an issue.
I will be honest Sis, this really concerns me for your future with him. His emotional maturity and how it played out with this situation really raises red flags for me. Is he going to hide behind his childhood trauma every time you have a disagreement? His behavior towards us when he was the one that caused the problem to begin with was really over the top. Maybe I wasn't getting it done as fast as he wanted, but him being impatient with me over a mistake he made was uncalled for. Is that how you will have to live?
Of course alternately, if you want to just smooth things over in the name of family harmony.. you can choke out a small apology for being short with him.. and that you didn't intend to hurt his feels.
Thank you for this response,
Thank you for this response, this is great advice. I'm literally copying this to my phone to save for if my sister brings this up again.
This is way too apologetic if
This is way too apologetic if you ask me. BF lack of planning is not your emergency. If he can't handle being "yelled at" then perhaps he ought to police his actions better. Block the boyfriend completely. There is no need to speak with him. He cannot stay at your home. He doesn't know how to be respectful and grateful you did him a favor and fixed his mess. I agree have a talk with your sister. Let her know you respect her choices, but he isn't your and you do not have to deal with his drama.
The apology is really more
The apology is really more towards her sister because I'm sure that OP feels badly that her sister is in the middle of this situation... and she is trying to potentially soften the blow that basically I have to inform you SIS that your BF is acting like an Ahole and I don't appreciate it.
I wouldn't apologize to the guy for family harmony.. I would be blocking him..lol. But not everyone is able or willing to take a scorched earth view of things.. though this guy's actions kind of call for it.
Do NOT apologize. Tell your
Do NOT apologize. Tell your sister that you know she likes this guy but really, you are concerned with how he handled this and what that means about what kind of husband he will be to her. He should have ordered himself a new charger (they aren't expensive) and been done with it. Don't make nice for family harmony, you will regret that. Talk about it with your sister in a caring way, but talk about it.
He sounds like the type who
He sounds like the type who plays the victim to deflect from the fact that he was in the wrong. He forgot the charger, he annoyed you about it, you didn't return it during his timeframe and the texting was clearly excessive.
As others said why didn't he just buy another? Because that would make it his responsibility. If he really needed this computer he would have gotten his own replacement in a day or to rather than blaming you for his own mistakes.
Him saying he was abused is a last ditch excuse to avoid taking any responsibility. Abuse does not give you the right to treat others poorly. If he's coping so poorly then he needs therapy. You were doing him a favor let him for your sister convince you otherwise.
From now on I would do my best to just keep your relationship between you and your sister only. I would not communicate with her BF unless she is there. If you need to talk to him about anything I would just go through her. If your sister or her BF have an issue with this just say that you think this is a better way of doing things so you don't accidentally trigger him again. In reality you just are doing yourself the favor of not interacting with this jerk.
This dude has serious
This dude has serious problems. It doesn't bode well for your sister's future with him. Block him on your phone and don't have him in your house.
Forward his latest texts to your sister.
Wow, he sounds like an
Wow, he sounds like an obsessive bully. If he acts this way over a stupid power cord, I'd worry for your sister how he'll navigate the twists and turns of adult life.
Most decent people would accept responsibility for forgetting something, maybe ask their host to return it at their convenience, offer to pay for the shipping, apologize profusely for the inconvenience, and move on. And buy or borrow a replacement.
No, instead he tried to bully you into taking care of HIS wants above all else. Ooof. I'd stay clear of this guy.
Call me crazy for always
Call me crazy for always having two computer chargers - one for the home outlet, and one for the computer bag when I travel. Ain't no such thing as leaving one behind that way.
For all the huffing, puffing, and texting this jerk did, he could have gone to Best Buy and gotten a new charger. It's not like they are some rare object available only once every 10 years.
He doesn't like being yelled at, or you coming at him sideways? He's got some balls as big as church bells ... in his own mind. He's an asshole and a bully.
Don't go to the house where he resides, and don't invite him to your home. Having good manners doesn't mean you have to accomodate asshole, disrespectful behavior.
I would send your sister
I would send your sister every text, email and a transcript of every conversation. Then I would advise her to insist that he get therapy before an engagement. She needs to know that your sole priority in this is her.
As for the idiot "Listen Skippy, I did not yell at you. I merely spoke in a manner and tone that ensures I would not be misunderstood, misquoted, nor ignored. If I had yelled at you even you of such limited intellect would know it. You irresponsibly left your charger, your directions on where it was were so bad it took days to find it. Once I was able to find it I told you I would send it as soon as I could arrange it. Rather than graciously thanking me and patiently waiting for it to arrive you texted me relentlessly several times a day for days on end which is entirley rude and pathetic. If we are going to be family you are going to have to grow up, learn some manners and learn patience. Next time, be responsible and don't forget your belongings. Any questions? Buh-bye." CC your sister.
I hope your sister is intelligent enough to recognize how much of a testy lost puppy this idiot is.
Wow, dude's got issues. Is he
Wow, dude's got issues. Is he really ready to be an adult and do any adult thing? (such as getting married)
I can only empathize with you regarding this difficult situation. I do truly hope your sister eventually breaks up with this dude though. It's going to be so much work for her going forward.