Am I expecting too much?
I'm having some issues with my stepdaughters (16 and 14). I need to know if I'm expecting too much from them and if I'm being an evil stepmother. I like to think I am being reasonable but maybe I am being to nitpicky. I also have a 5 year old son so I understand that kids go through phases but lately it's getting hard to be around them for an extended amount of time. First let me explain their personalities. The older, 16 year old is usually very easy going and is able to go with the flow and rarely gets upset about anything. For the most part she is pleasant to be around. The younger, 14 year old is easily upset and cries almost daily about little things like whether or not she can find an item of clothing she was looking for. She is very argumentative and constantly back talks and never apologizes when she knows she does something wrong just continues to argue with her father until he eventually just gives up and send her to her room.
Lately it seems like every time they are with us something happens and I would just like one pleasant evenings with no arguments, fighting, bad behavior, or backtalk. For instance last night, younger sister says that her back was hurting and asks her older sister to "walk on her back" to make it feel better ( I know this sounds crazy) This is discussed at the dinner table and their dad says "No she is too heavy and it could hurt you." 14 year old girl, argues and argues with her dad, with major attitude, slamming her phone on the table, saying that the sports medicine teacher at her school says its okay. He still says no, even say ask your mom who is a Physicians Assistant, who also says no, it could hurt you. Then older sister gets in to the argument and sayd "Chiropractors do it all the time" By this point I had gone into the living room because this had literally been going on for 15 minutes so I finally say. " Chiropractors go to school for years to do that, besides that, both your mom and your dad said no, and that is that. Stop arguing about it." After a few moments oldest daughter says, "I'm not arguing about it I'm just saying that chiropractors..." which I stop her and say "You're arguing with me just by saying this, do you realize that?" She then gets quiet. Then she says "Come on, let's go outside" to her younger sister and when my husband comes to sit with me on the couch. I tell him, "You do realize they are outside talking about us right now." And I let him know that this behavior is ridiculous and I'm really getting tired of it. He then proceeds to go outside and I can hear them arguing from inside the house so I go outside and tell them to come in because I don't want the neighbors to hear this loud argument. Later I ask my husband what they said, and he told me the youngest daughter said it wasn't my place to say something to her. This infuriated me. Finally I had it and told my husband it's getting really hard for me to be around them because lately they always seem to be arguing, fighting, and backtalking every time we have them. We literally haven't been able to get through one dinner without something happening. I'm always completely honest with my husband and told him its getting to where I dread them coming over and starting to resent the fact that I can't have a peaceful evening at home when they are here.
Am I being too harsh? Am I expecting too much? I understand that their hormonal teens and they're going to have their moments but it is literally every night they're with us and its getting to the point where I take my time getting home from work when I know they'll be there because I don't want to be around them for long periods of time because I know some arguement is going to happen. My husband is at a loss of what to do. Should I just grit my teeth and bear it until they are both off to college in four years? Should I start eating dinner in my bedroom? Should I chug a bottle of wine in the driveway before entering the house in the evenings? (mostly kidding)
Yes, their behavioral is
Yes, their behavioral is typical. However, that's where their parent needs to step in and actually parent them through their feelings and solutions.
"No, SD, your sister can't walk on your back BUT I will run out and buy a foam roller and show you how to use it to make your back feel better.
"SD, I know you're in pain and looking for relief, but I'm not going to okay something that may hurt your further. I offered a solution, and am open to other solutions you may have.
"Alright SD, since you've decided to slam your phone, I am taking that and you're going to your room. I am done until you can converse about a solution respectfully."
Three strikes. First, acknowledge the problem and offer a solution. Second, reiterate understanding and a viable solution, but be firm that no further conversation is taking place about the initial suggestion. Third, consequences BUT still a solution on the table to mitigate the initial problem.
I've found with teenagers that they become much less argumentative if you offer something other than no and if you refuse to debate them. It will take a few times of doing this before it's no longer fun to pick a fight. Ignoring their tantrums works well, too. Focus on the problem and finding a solution to that problem (in this case, a hurting back), and suddenly they have no ammunition to lash out.
And really, that's what SD is doing. She doesn't have another avenue for her feelings, so she's just lashing out. During calmer times, your DH needs to sit SD down and talk through better ways to manage her emotions. Then he needs to facilitate that.
Does she want to hit things? Get a punching bag.
Does she want to scream? Get her a big pillow to yell into.
Does she need to vent to another human being? Teach her to ask for someone to be that for her.
My OSS is similar to your OSD, and my YSS is similar to your YSD. They're also similar ages, so I understand the frustration. What teens want is to be treated like an adult. Your DH can do that, but he needs to teach them how to adult responsibly.
Every family, step or
Every family, step or otherwise has the occasional argument, but when it's one person kicking off every evening and spoiling everyone else's relaxing time, it's not on, and your husband should let his daughter know that. If she can't abide by it she should take herself off to her room so that at least the rest of you can have some peace.
It's like having toddlers.
It's like having toddlers. One toddler on their own is bad when they're throwing a tantrum. A pain in the arse but still mostly manageable. Having two toddlers together pinging off each other and setting the other one off is exponentially worse. Skip the wine and go straight to spirits haha
This is not a good
This is not a good environment for your son to live in
Sounds like a combination of
Sounds like a combination of normal teen drama and poor parenting on your DH's part. Why is his child allowed to argue with him forcefully at the dinner table over something so stupid?
Personally, I wouldn't eat dinner with them anymore unless he agreed to set some limits on them. Can't imagine the hell that would have rained down on me had I behaved that way at the dinner table.
i could not give a shit about
i could not give a shit about feelings. My directive to any kid is "don't tell me how you feel, tell me what you think." Feelings are not analytical tools and do not fix anything.
Don't get me wrong, feelings and emotion are the spice of life, but... there are times and places for feelings and emotions, and there are times and places where there is no place for them.
Learning when and where feelings apply is part of growing up.
Driving everyone in the mix to get their feelings under control and lock in focus on solutions is a key success factor for parenting success.
I have long leveraged the perspective that issue resolution is about filtering out the feelings, focusing on the issue at hand, and to collaborate on confronting the problem rather than confronting the person. Of course... often a person is the problem and they need to be confronted to solve the problem.
And no. You are not expecting too much.
If anything, the harsh factor needs to be significantly amplified with these two teen harpies. That your DH went outside and reactivated the arguement rather than shutting them down and informing them that there will be no more backtalk, they will do what they are told, when they are told, and STFU instead of being disrespectful is a clear parenting fail on his part.
In the old days a moderate back hand to the lips would have shut this shit down in a hurry.
Now for "Chiropractors walk of peoples backs all of the time". Bullshit. Chiropractic manipulation is a very controlled process. Unlike marching up and down someone's back. This kid is extremely uninformed at best and an idiot at worst.
When the SD tried to pull the shit about it not being your place to say anything to her, BULLSHIT again. You are in an equity life partnership with their father, they are in YOUR home, being the equity life partner makes you an equity parent to any spawn in your home regardless who welped them. That kid needs the very clear and upleasant facts and needs to have her nose rubbed firmly in those facts and to live a life of escalating abject misery until she catches a clue or gets the F out.
Good luck.