Not going
I've basically been disengaged since May of 2021. My husband doesn't make his two kids (boy 14, girl 12) adhere to any rules. He says he's going to. He doesn't monitor them on their phones. SD has made some age inappropriate tiktoks. He has no idea who his kids talk to. When something finally comes up he says he should check on them. They stay in their rooms 23 hours a day. Neither of their parents know them so I stopped caring too. I was always trying to engage everyone, do fun things, find out what's going on with them but I've quit. I don't really even talk to his kids anymore besides telling them to get in the car to get to school. I used to take them to school everyday. I told him a schedule has to be set because I'm not doing it anymore. Now I take them to school once a week and if I don't want to then he has to figure something else out.
Anyway, his daughter is having a school choir concert next Thursday. She's not doing a solo. It's just a school choir class singing. I told him I'm not going. Then he found out she can only have five people in attendance so he said I can go and his son. I told him that would be five total for both sides of the family so him, her mom, her moms parents and his dad. BM has four other kids at home ranging in age from 2 to 18 plus her husband. I do not feel bad at all that even if there was an unlimited amount of people going that I still am not going. Is that a part of disengaging? I get to choose what I do and don't do, right? It's not like she cares if I attend or not anyway.
Yes, in my opinion. Part of
Yes, in my opinion. Part of disengagement is not caring. Keep your feelings out of it.
Of course you get to choose what you want/don't want to do. You're an adult. Does your husband tell you where you can work? What you can wear or eat? (If he does, that's a YUGE red flag unless you're in that kind of relationship.)
Thank goodness
No, not at all. Thank goodness because if ever tried that I would be out in a hot second. Previously before this year and last year (because of covid and not having in person school activities) I always went because we went as a family. Now I'm choosing not to. I think he was just surprised that even before the five person rule I wasn't going because I just always did. I made plans anyway to go make a fresh christmas wreath with my mom and sister at our community center that night.
The plans with your mom and
The plans with your mom and sister sound like SO much more fun!
Agree!!
Agree with that!! It was cancelled last year so we are excited to go this year. We're not very crafty but it's always fun. We pick out the fresh greenery and make the wreath with this machine and then a bow maker makes us a bow to attach. I add lights and hang it on my front door. Excited to go again. :)
Is that a part of disengaging
Is that a part of disengaging? I get to choose what I do and don't do, right?
Yes, that is exactly right. You get to choose what you do or don't do for kids that aren't yours.
I don't even bad
The good news is. I don't feel bad about it all!! My son is 18 and away at college. I'm basically semi parent retired. LOL I am loving it!! I love my husband and things are good between us finally. Definitely took some work and still working on it. He's still adjusting to me disengaging but he understands why.
Yes, you've got it right. Don
Yes, you've got it right. Don't go if you don't want to go, and don't do anything for his kids that you don't want to do.
YAY YOU!
Yes get on with YOUR life, because husband truly isnt wanting to do the job of parenting.
You are semi-parent retired lol. I hope you kiddos go off and have an interesting full life full of happiness.
Hopefully your skids will as well, but their launching isnt your problem.
Neither DH nor Bm care that SD15 failed art and got d in orchestra. They dont even know how to get onto the parent portal. No one has ever monitored phone and screen time, and food? haha. SD15 is obese.
Disengagement is our friend.
Twins
Your steplife is my steplife. It seriously blows my mind. I just don't find it that difficult to engage with my kid. His son, 14, got an F in guitar. It's an elective. He doesn't have to have a guitar but he got an F in it. No consequences for it whatsoever. And neither parent checks the parent portal because they say the grades are never updated. Yeah, they are. I went through it with my son and when his hindend wasn't doing work you best believe I was on him like white on rice.
My husbands daughter is 12 and obese. She sneaks food and she doesn't even have to. Whole bags of candy that she brings in from her moms will be in her room. I don't even care anymore. They are too afraid to parent their kids because their kids might not like them. Well, I don't like the kids. LOL
Perfect!!!
You go to things YOU want to attend. And that is disengagement!
I've skipped out on a graduation, birthday parties and DHs son's wedding. No regrets. In fact, it brings me joy that I'm standing firm in my boundaries.
Enjoy your time!
Yay!
Yes!! I think that is great. Good for you! And I'm glad I'm not alone.