Odd Night - still trying to figure things out

This isnt really a vent and its not a problem, its somewhere in between...I think. But I so value all of your input and advice and thoughts that I thought "why not".

SD15.5 (16 in 4 months) stayed overnight with us last night (1/17/2022) and maybe it was the full moon, but Im grocery shopping and husband texts me "SD15.5 Backstabber/munchkin is staying with us tonight", and something inside me just naps. I text back "why what is the matter with Toxic Troll BM/ Doesnt she want time with her kid, after a week?"

Then from husband "Well its easier to keep her here, because we cant get ahold of her mother".

I texted "well its not like there is much of a difference, she stays in her room, we never see her. Plus its not like I have any say in anything".

That set him off a little, he texted back "Never mind Ill just take her back I dont want any drama".

Toxic Trolls apartment is 10 mins away and there is a code on the door. She could have been dropped off. Shes been alone many times.

Turns out Toxic Troll was in the bath, and just not responding (Toxic Troll takes long baths, where she will drink and text her dudes, and shes obsessed with mermaids...so maybe she grows fins and cannot respond...).

I opened my mouth and just told the both of them "If it was me and my kid and I didnt see that kid for a week, Id want to see my kid, just letting you two know where Im coming from!" SD15.5 just kind of nodded her head, husband just kind of looked at me. Later I said "why couldnt she be dropped off, BM was there?" His response "its a bad neighborhood". My complaint, reaction was based on my continued observations on how he continues to baby and coddle and cater to her. He is admittedly co-dependent. And I so much as told him "shes not a baby shes almost 16!!" He will do the craziest things for her, as if she cannot do them herself, shes not capable. Its starting to be obnoxious, and part of why Im tired of visitation at the end of her week with us and balk when she doesnt go to her mothers on her mothers time.

And then I had her cook us a nice spaghetti with meat sauce (with my suprvision) dinner. It took over an hour, but we had some good honest discussion. Garlic is good for the immune system, and so is Rosemary. Your sister is a button pusher, and just tries all the buttons she can think of until she gets a reaction. Parsley is good for fresh breath. I like stewed whole italian plums. Got to hear about her friends, their issues, the Library Incident, her science fair project coming up...

And thats called parenting folks. Enabling to the point of crippling is not good parenting, thats not love. SD15 had pride of accomplishment, and I did the dishes (its my thing, the cook doesnt have to clean...), and she loved the meal because SHE made it.

Oh and Toxic Mermaid Troll just told Sd "whatever you want is fine, you can stay there". Just part of a series of patterns. This one is when Toxic Troll has men in her life, the Sd can stay whereever, but if shes alone and no men, she HAS to have her there "my mom wants me today!" (dogsitter too). Its been 8 1/2 years of this mother glomming onto the kid so as to not be alone...

Like I mentioned, not a vent and not a problem. Just a slice of Stepparenting Pie (dessert).

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Comments

Clove

You are speaking your mind more, that is good. I think you have gotten to the point where you do not care as much on how your DH will react. Once you come to the realization that YOU matter in this household it becomes a whole different ballgame, one where you are leading. Your DH will notice these changes and its on him to keep the peace with you OR lose out big time.

Blessings kind lady

Forget Velvet Hammer here comes the baseball bat

After 8 plus years I am so tired of having no control over such a large part of my own household. Im tired of no contribution from skid. I "get" shes 15.5 and teen years are so tough, etc etc..but seriously...Im ready for hitting some home runs here in making points.

I do get the feeling that the

I do get the feeling that the way your DH deals with things parenting etc.. bothers you.

But.. I would take some of what he did/said as positive.

1. He called to let you know of a change in plans when they happened. I think that is being somewhat respectful of your place in the home tbh.

2. I understand that she is almost 16 but if she does live in an area that could be somewhat sketchy perhaps he is justified not wanting to drop her off when no one knows where her mom is. I get that mom likely leaves her at home, but if her mom is as flaky as you say.. it might be that she wasn't planning on being home at all??? and I don't know.. there is a woman in our area that was recently abducted.. so maybe my threshold for worry is lower on this kind of thing.

3. Just a little constructive criticism. I know that TT the mermaid is a fairly crap mother.. but saying what you did in front of BS/Munch was probably not necessary. She may also have agreed with your pov.. but you basically were saying her mom didn't want to see her.. that may not have been the case really.. and it turned the situation into somehow being mom's fault when she was in the bath...It's the kind of commentary that kids don't need to hear about the other parent from their steps or other bio parent really.

5. It would be nice if your DH would do the kind of parenting/connecting with his child. I do think it's hard for parents to see their kids grow up but teaching them skills.. being a part of their life is important.

2nd point

I agree with this except the 2nd point. TT may live in a bad neighborhood but B/M wouldn't be left outside. DH would walk her to the door, punch in the code, and make sure she got inside. I'm sure at almost 16 she knows to lock the doors behind her. 16 is definitely old enough to be left alone at home, even overnight. If there were some emergency with TT - then they are only 10 min away - so I agree with cLove there.

Usually agree with you...

1. I was told not asked, and sometimes Im asked for input. This time things just seemed off...full moon?

2. Shes alone all the time there. And husband has come in "to rescue" when she calls crying (at 13-14...) and I just think she needs to be less of a baby and he needs to let her.

3. It was less about her mother "not wanting her", and more to cover myself in case it came across as me shoving her out the door. But yea, agree, and Im at that IDGAF stage...

4. what happened to #4?

5. Agreed. Why am I doing this? I guess Ive got no one else to teach my love of herbs and cooking...so shes it by default.

Point 5

I think its nice that you did that for/with her - and you have a vested interest in her helping out or occassionally preparing meals for the three of you - she still has a couple of years to go until 18.

Yes, ideally in disengagement that type of parenting would be the bio - but with DH it isn't happening. So if cLove wants any help from B/M for the next 2 years I don't see that it was a problem for her to jump in and take the lead. Because she will likely benefit herself.

Oh.. I definitely think it's

Oh.. I definitely think it's ok for number 5 to happen. it should happen. it's actually mutually beneficial. it would just be nice if dad would also do more of it.

I have no idea what happened

I have no idea what happened to number 4 lol....

I also get where you were coming from with trying to put your POV out there.. but it did tread a little into painting BM as someone who might not have wanted to have her daughter there.. but I don't blame you for standing up for yourself more here.. you have definitely gone way our otf your way to try to be supportive of your stepkids and your DH has been very passive.

And.. yeah.. I get that she could get taken to the door and locked herself in. But, idk.. he may have felt like between potentially being in an apt alone for the night.. instead she could hang at the house with you and him around. I do note he wasn't asking permission.. but he did at least try to give you a heads up which is more than some sparents get here..haha.

Your situation is tough though... his ex is a trainwreck... and despite all your best efforts.. you can't overcome the fact that both her parents are not the most effective parenting units.. and you can't save her from some of her own shortcomings.

Hides in her room

cLove mentioned that B/M just stays in the room and doesn't interact with D/H or herself - not unusual during the 'teenage' years but still, it wasn't like they were going to have a nice family game or movie night together if she stayed with them.

I kindof get that.. but there

I kindof get that.. but there is some comfort to knowing you aren't home all alone... at least that is how I might have felt. Again, we all project our own issues on things.. I don't particularly like to be home alone and a woman in our area was recently abducted and pretty sure she was murdered.. so I guess that's my slant towards not necessarily sending her to an empty place.

I also personally, kind of feel like kids in these situations have two homes.. and unless things have had to be rigid due to high conflict Exes.. it really shouldn't be a huge issue if the kid stays an extra night if that's a better option. I get that lots of people here want their skid free time.. and kids should spend time with both parents.. it seems that maybe this has been more flexi with them in the past.

How awful

Yes I can see how that would impact your feelings on this. But we can't keep kids in a bubble forever either. There's a balance.

I think TT is the definition of high-conflict BM so yes some rigid boundaries are needed to keep cLove healthy. If they lived, say 2 hours away and couldn't get a hold of BM - then ok I can maybe see having the kid stay another night would be better. But at 16 and living 10 minutes away? I think it was fine to drop her off, let her in. If BM wasn't home give her some pizza money and she can call or text with anything urgent.

I have that sort of gut NO

I have that sort of gut NO reaction myself with SS.

We spent all week hearing about the storm coming, 8 - 12 inches of snow, hit the store and prep to be stuck home for a day, or power being out for a day or two.

DSO goes to get a part Sunday before the storm started. He texts 'He (SS22) wants to stay.' BM is in Fl taking care of her Mom that had a heart attack or heart surgery. I immediately went into stress mode and almost sent all the following texts;

1. He can get stuck there and I have MLK day off.

2. I don't enough groceries for all of us.

3. We could lose power and I'm not sleeping in the living room, where the wood burner is and our heat, with him.

It took all my power to just say No, not with a storm coming but if he needs food, take him to store.

Snow storms in WV are much different than surrounding states. Roads can be very shitty for 2 or 3 days after a storm since our snow plowing sucks, why I only drive a Subaru. Power can be out for 24 to 48 hours if the line is down out in the middle of a holler or on top of a ridge and my back up heat really only heats a room or two in the house.

Hills and Hollers

LOL, I know what you mean.

Im in California, where we just have fire and earthquakes and recently a tsunami. I couldnt imagine being stuck like that...

I dont know what my problem is. Shes on her period...full moon...visitation fatigue...

OK as for the dropping her

OK as for the dropping her off - I get not pushing her out the car and driving off but WTF? He could sit there and wait till she got in the apt. DH used to do this when he dropped SD off at BM's when she lived in an apartment the first year after their divorce. Yes BM was home but the over-protective DH still made SD text him when she was safe inside.

As for showing you courtesy by letting you know that there was a change in plans - Courtesy would have been not messing with the schedule and have her go to BM's likeshe should have.

I used to try and get SD intersted in cooking and have that be our "bonding time" but I soon relaized that nothing I do will make her like me or make her interested in anything.

As for DH doing too much for her - I can't wait to see if DH rushes to help SD17 this weekend becuase I finally lost it and told him she needs to wash her sheets. The last time she did was back last MAY!!! With her sleeping here 8 days a month that equals out to 2 full months sleeping on the same sheets!!! So gross!!!