I think it's perfectly reasonable to be uncomfortable with an adult stepkid you barely know living with you. If my DH moved my SS21 in here, I'd move out (and I know him well). I'm sorry your DH can only think about his own and his daughter's wants and needs, and not yours. What is the plan? I'd suggest you set a clear plan for what needs to happen for her to move out, and a system for monitoring that.  Also, she needs to be contributing to the home by doing chores, etc, if she's going to live there rent-free.  He may be happy to have her there, but he needs to realize that it's YOUR home, too, and you are not happy to have here there endlessly. If "getting on her feet" includes mental health treatment, then getting that needs to be a condition of living there.

This is such crap. Do you have a male cousin/nephew/other relative you could move in? Perhaps you husband's perspective will change when he has to live with some random ass male he doesn't know.

Also. How are finances split? Are you paying half? I would REALLY be feeling some extra type of way if I was paying more so she could save. 

You two should be on the same page

1. It's his Adult DD,  you can't have any motherly feeling for her.  You or anyone can just do that with a 21 yo

2.  I can understand she needs a head start in life ( BM and BF ) failure there is not your problem 

3.  She must work, save X amount of money each week, what you keep track of.  Her makeup clothes problem are not to effect savings

4. When she get Y amount of money saved. You with her will rent her a apartment. Your gift the last on is to pay one or two months rent. Some kitchen things ect

5. She is out in 6 or 8 or 12. Months for good.

Make sure you don't get into this someday she will move ,,,Buy her car need X,Y,Z so there goes the savings. Her favorite band is two states over,  she just needs a vacation Bull Sh** 

You are not alone. A virtual stranger, another female who hole up in her room and makes no effort to talk to you, that you work to support, well that would unsettle anyone!

I feel similar to that with SD15 and Ive been in her life for 8.5 years. She holes up in her room and makes no efforts to contribute or help out and we have to coddle and cajole her into doing anything at all. I work to support the household and theres this person who Im not related to that Im supporting. And generally SD15 is kind and considerate (just dont ask her to do anything because she will pout and give silent treatment).

1. Discuss with your husband what the launch plan is. Have a defined plan in mind ahead of time.

2. Discuss things as they are now.

3. Do not criticise his adult kiddo. They always get offended if you do even if they know its the truth.

Keep us posted on how it goes!

As Tog and Harry say, having a plan that all 3 of you are familiar with is key.  I just wanted to empathize because over the years, 4 of our 5 have moved back.  So, I understand your uncomfortable feeling, I always had it, too, even if the kid was my own bio.

Look on the bright side.  At least she didn't move back with a spouse, kids or pets as we've had here. Lol.

What a lot of men don't understand is that you can only have one queen per castle. What's the plan for her? How long will she be there? What is she contributing to the upkeep of the home? (Expecting to do bugger all is NOT on) Did your husband at least discuss her installation with you? Is she paying rent? 

Was it your house before you met your husband? 

It so, I would be doubly mad at him for moving his adult baby in with no agreed end date.....

Have you tried talking to her?  She may be just as uncomfortable, since she keeps to herself quite a bit.  Maybe take her out to lunch or even coffee.  Sit and talk like two women.  Not stepmom and stepdaughter.  Respect her as a young woman and talk to her that way, letting her know that you are glad to have her in your life more and the chance to get to know her more.  Ask her what she needs and share what you need.  When my 2nd daughter moved back in with us temporarily, we had a talk.  Seems we both had the very same concerns.  Y'all may have the same as well.  

I haven't been comfortable in my own home in three abs half years. Even when he leaves every other weekend to see his mom, I have anxiety anticipating my 13 year old stepsons return. I am trying to find my peace in this home but not very successful. We have no relationship and his mom is hostile. It's awkward. It leads to resentment towards my husband. Did you have any discussion about how long she will be staying? 

I went through this 30 years ago.  DH reacted just like yours did.  It didn't improve.  If he doesn't have your back now he never will.  There are a few questions to ask yourself such as, do you earn more than him or do you have more assets?  Does he show support for you when you need it?  Obviously not and that is a red fla.g.  Is he affectionate?  Does he openly communicate?  Does he tell little fibs?  All red flags.  If you answer 'Yes' to any of these questions go see a lawyer for a post nup.  Then let him entertain SD somewhere else.  I divorced DH a couple of months ago and it is Heaven

Do what you always do, if you prance around your house nude, keep doing it. If you and DH enjoy countertop intimacy, keep doing it.  

Be your usual happy active self in  your home. It is after all, your home.

Also inform her, and daddy, that she is either an active part of the household, or she is not a part of the household at all. Including living there.

During your work hours, the home is  your office and not her space, or your DH's.  She leaves when you start work and she returns when you end your work day.  Her wonky schedule she can deal with in ways that do not interfere in your schedule.  This is not a minor child.  No one needs to accommodate for her. As an adult resident she resides at the pleasure of the home owners.  And not the other way around.

It is amazing to me that so many people try to up end their lives to accommodate a Skid rather than forcing the Skid to assimilate into the household and family routines.   

Not in my world would the family do the assimilating.  

I have no problem helping out adult kids if they are doing everything they can to help themselves. Both my DD and my SS came back to the parental nest, and at the same time. It was difficult, but it was the right thing to do.

But we had rules. Either work full time, go to school full time, or some combination. Take care of your own laundry and your own space, and help around the house as needed or and as asked. Both our kids did that, and one benefit was that SS was insane about a clean kitchen. He cleaned up even if he didn't use the kitchen himself.

And there has to be a fundamental understanding by everyone that the living arrangement is temporary.

It wasn't easy living with either one of those adult kids. My own kid drove me nuts, and of course SS did too. But I could tolerate it knowing they were both doing what they agreed to, and there was an end in sight.

You are not alone. This was my life for 3 years. My adult SD moved in with us to go to college. It was complete hell. She was a ball of anxiety that hid in her room, not communicating with her father. Text messages all the time between them in different rooms of the house. It was a nightmare. I had to walk on eggshells to make her feel at home. 
she finally moved to a dorm. I just told my Husband recently she is not welcome to stay here again! She is awkward (still) she is now 21! She still comes over and makes me uncomfortable because she is so damn awkward and socially anxious. 
All I can say is speak up to husband and disengage 

How much worse can it possibly be to live with her mother as opposed to self-imposed solitary confinement at your place? 

Your new spouse, doesn't expect to be spending her married life with skidults indefinitely who are failure to launch, make no attempt to be active members of that household, they treat your home as more of a pit stop.

it destroys the harmony at home and vibe goes down south. Then your idiot spouse makes all kinds of pathetic excuses for not forcing them to launch with a plan because of the poor child of divorce when parents divorced 1-2 decades ago. 
 

I couldn't do it anymore and I certainly wasn't exposing my 2 kids to toxic skid environment so i made it very clear to my husband i am disengaging and want no relationship with his kids, that I wasn't gonna spend another day in our marital home that his adult son wasn't gonna launch in. 
 

my husband bought a separate home for us in my name for us and our 2 minor kids together, to live in. Its the same bullshit excuses for skids. I just can't anymore with the pathetic excuses and laziness. But hubby has immense guilt if he lays the law with his son, ss already threatened to run away so basically told his dad he should be allowed to behave disrespectfully and shun us and hubby not criticise him for that oh and he gets to live in our marital home

my husband is an essential worker on contract o/seas for several more yrs but will likely retire early in about 1-2 yrs. at that point he has promised to permanently relocate to me. My country locked down since march 2020. I have been separated from my husband almost 2 yrs now and it'll be 1 week shy of  2 yrs when he lands here. I don't tolerate skid crap bullshit anymore. 

hubby knows if there is no launch plan in place that this marriage is over. Because I don't intend to spend our marriage with him prioritising adult failure to launch feefees over our 4 & 5 yr olds childhood and development. I've already had to deal with so much these past 2 yrs, my patience for him is very thin

there just comes a point where it feels like they're taking you for a dumb fool

Not uncomfortable in my house because of that I'm uncofortable in my house because I'm pretty sure both SK are planning on either hurting me or one of my animals to get to me. My family is even afraid for me sometimes. But i've reasurred them that if it came down to defending myself or my animals because a 12 and 11 are hurting or trying i have no problem with going to jail for punching a kid(s) in the face. I would leave if my car was big enough to get my 3 dogs and 4 cats out.

I idiotically let my friend's 18 year old daughter stay with us while attending community College. I felt that way, too. I was working from home and she would get up mid afternoon. She had classes 3 days a week and worked part time until about 9 pm. 

Having a conversation with her was painful. She had no social skills at all. She was dating a neckbeard 20 year old super senior. Anybody ever heard of a super senior before? I hadn't.  It's someone in their second or third senior year of high school. A 20 year old high school student. He didn't drive, or have a job. She would drive to his house two towns away and ONE TIME his mom gave her a $25 gas gift card. 

The only time in 2 1/2 years that she ever had "friends" here was when they stopped in at 3 am to use the bathroom and my wedding ring disappeared. 

Adult son living in our marital home with his constant shunning negative vibe etc. eventually i told hubby he either kicked him out or get us another home. Hubby bought me a new home in my name for us and our 2 young kids to live in whilst i finish my university studies in my country. Hubbys country was too toxic i had to move me and our kids to Australia 

my kids were toddlers and didn't know who this stranger was and what he was doing in our home. My country and state has closed its borders 2 yrs almost and it will be 3 yrs before our state premier opens our borders so we can reunite

i have spent 10 days in the past 2 yrs with my husband and not been with him in a year now because of border closures and flight caps means his flights are repeatedly cancelled 

i had a talk with him that if nothing changes mid this yr, i want to move back end of this yr and wait it out but adult ss(almost 24) needs to leave.

i made it clear to my husband i would never remain in a home with ss. Hubby said he will be out and living in hubbys apartment closer in the city as thats being gifted to him to live in.

ss is disgusting, smells, lazy, a bum and just sleeps daytime because he is up at night. My husband made it clear pre covid that he intended to spend yearly holidays in Australia with us and he couldn't bring ss because none of us want our holiday destroyed with the negative vibe he brings it makes us feel so unwelcome in our own home.

my husband told ss it was on him because he chose to repeatedly behave this way all for nothing. My husband told him his own sisters don't have a relationship with him, his bio mum disowned him after the divorce so he can enjoy spending holidays alone out of his own choices.

this is something i will not budge on. Any home i buy, none of my skids will have a room or permission to enter. I'm done wanting a relationship with my ss or sd's 16.5 & 27

i didn't sign up to be married to my husband with an adult ss forever living in my home. Thats not normal

Yes, by all means support family but when you're a guest in someone's home, where I come from, you do your possible to make things as easy and comfortable as possible for your hosts. It's a question of upbringing and basic good manners not a question of obligation. It should go both ways. Apparently, your husband didn't read the memo right to the end 

relate to that underlying uncomfortable feeling I got from the adult "SKs". It was always awkward and forced.

Like you, many of us go overboard trying to be good to them. I did that for years and years. Cooked, cleaned, bought bd and Christmas gifts without so much as a "thank you." I stepped back and asked why I did all of that because I resented it afterward. I realized I was putting DH's happiness above my own. No matter how miserable I was being around them and often the BM I kept doing it to make HIM HAPPY.

Finally SD blew up and screamed at me for almost an hour, (while he stood by and said/did absolutely NOTHING) and it was truly a blessing in disguise. Her father was disgusted with her behavior, and was shocked. It's hard to sugar coat something when it's right in front of your face. She began damage control right away apologizing again and again to DH, but never to me. That was my line in the sand, and since then I haven't had to put my eyes on her nasty ass.

As for your DH acting aggravated, of course he is. You know it's your fault, right? He's forgetting who he's married to. He needs to retrieve his balls from SD's purse. 

I haven't read the other responses, but I'm sure many have told you that you may think you've got a SD problem, when in reality you have a DH problem, because he sits by and allows the awkwardness. 

She needs a timeline to move out. It should be posted on the fridge, or wherever as a reminder that she is to be making a plan to become independent and "adult." 

I'm sad for you, as I can imagine the strange misery this is causing and the strain on your marriage.

I hope you and your DH can be a united front and work on an exit plan for SD.

Sometimes it helps to write your thoughts down on paper before you actually have the talk with someone (ie your husband).

That way, you won't forget the important points you wanted to make, and also it means you can write down some of the great ideas posters have offered. 

I understand how frustrating all this is for you. This SD is an adult, NOT a minor child that your H has taken custody of. You are the major breadwinner by the sounds of it, and also sold YOUR house in order that you and your H could rent a bigger place in a better area. She is getting to sit around and do F all, sleep in to all hours, while YOU work your A off!

So you call the play,Why should you feel uncomfortable in your own home,You tell Hubby sorry but it's now making me on edge, I thought this was or would of been a 6 month temporarilly thing and she would be gone,Instead now fast forward a year later almost and she's still here,She locks herself in her room she doesn't help or get involved in family activities and I don't like it,You call her out of her room sit down with hubby and say "So uhmm any idea when you'll finally be getting your own place" You've tried your best you've done what you can,You've offered her stuff from the store you've cooked her meals and tried to get involved in family activities but yet she cant even aknowledge any of that,Sounds like you are now being taken for a ride and she is settled in,Permannent guest sounds about right

I have a feeling the SD is mentally ill and won't be leaving anytime soon. There is so much of this these days. I hope for your sake, Chelsea, that she can move back with her mom. Feel your pain. 

Hi. I am very sorry to hear about your journey. I was on the same one for three years and it tore me apart. Until this day my husband doesn't understand the harm his son has left us with, and everytime I talk about it is the only time he gets all defensive on me. Unfortunately my SS was underaged (15) at the time so there wasn't any real possibility to do things differently. The odd vibe thing was never an issue to my husband either. Even today he doesn't understand it. Fortunately by the time he was 18 (and nothing had changed) we moved out and let him stay at the old rental house to live in. This was a huge change in my life. Is there any possibility for your husband to help her rent a bedroom nearby? Or a 1 room flat in an affordable area? He would pay the rent and she would have to be responsible for her own finances regarding everything else. 

And please desengage. You are just hurting yourself for someone who doesn't care about you. My SS lived for 10 years with my second's wife husband (yeah, he's a serial dater so I kind understand the kid for not wanting to engage with every wife his father marries) and he doesn't care about her. Lived for 3 years with me, never asks anything about me either. They just don't care.

My SD age 24 is still living with us.  Refuses to acknowledge me. Stays in room only leaving to go to the kitchen when "the coast is clear" and she doesn't have to see me.      She sneaks in and out of the house without a greeting and she's downright horrible.   Moves things of mine around.    My husband keeps saying that he wouldn't care or have any feelings about to if the situation was revserved.  But I do care. The vibe in the house - becuase of her - is horrible. So tense.   I literally hate going home.  I try to do everything I can to avoid being in my own house.  Which I pay for.   And this immature, self centered, mean, spoiled girl who pays nothing and contributes nothing gets to set the tone.    I started disengaging a few months ago and that helps me, but now I'm being critiqued for not extending myself more to her. "Why didn't you comfort her when she was in tears yesterday" he said to me.     What the f!  This is a girl who told me she hates me and that she wants me to leave her dad and her and her sister so they could go back to just the three of them.      To be honest at this point I feel he's a spineless jellyfish who is controlled by his 24 daughter who demands to be catered to by him.  
 

the worst part is after fighting this fight for two years and it's been awful. She's said horrible, unkind and untrue things about me.   And becuase of her continued rude behavior over two years, I have no feelings of kindness towards her. And he looked right at me on Saturday and said "you just don't like her becuase she's pretty"

I agree with u.     Trust me.  We have many fights about this.  

Your SD is EXACTLY like my ex SD and your H is just like my ex.

You have to make these two your exes as well!! 

How dare your gutless wonder of a husband say that???  You don't like her because she's pretty??

WTF? 

Also, what he said about how he wouldn't care and it wouldn't bother him if the situation was reversed? What bullshit! Of course he would care, anyone would. I know how horrible it is to go to a house like you have described because that's exactly what my ex's house was like - so tense, mini wife slamming doors, giving me filthy looks etc. 

Guys that make statements like that just make me wild. It's so arrogant and unempathetic.

Look, I'm not having a go at you, but honestly, why did you marry him at all? I remember your other posts, when you still had your own home and hadn't moved in with him. So many people here warned you, told you the situation wouldn't change etc - and of course they were right.

I'd leave if I was you.