I am so close to becoming a HCBM!!!
DD14 and DS16 spent the 3 day weekend with their dad. I swear to God, I don't know what is so hard to understand with DD's recovery. SM was even at her 1st orthopedic appointment with me and heard everything that the doctor said.
Anyway, DD wakes up with a headache, tears in her eyes yesterday and then tells me that she fell of the obstacle course in her dad's back yard and hit her head. I was FURIOUS. Her arm is literally held together by cartilage at this point. You can still feel bone protruding! She is not allowed to be on anything or do anything where she isn't in control of her body. So something where she can fall off- BAD.
I gave her some Tylenol told her to rest for a little while and I will come back and take her into school late. So I did. When I picked her up she she said her head really hurt still. So I said, do you want to go to the dr and check for a concussion? Like is it that bad? She said yes.
Ok, so now I'm really pissed. We are sitting in urgent care and she joked that she also fell off a skateboard over there and tore up her knee. WTF!?!?! I am pissed at her, I am pissed at them. SHE ALMOST DIED less than 3 months ago. How hard is it to let her body heal. How hard is it to make sure she isn't doing dumb stuff??
So this is my text to SM and ExH:
So, we are getting DD checked for a concussion. She just told the nurse that she also fell off a skateboard there and showed off her scraped knee. I know she is 14 and should not have to be babysat constantly but you have to see this from where I am sitting... this is just too much for my heart. She can't keep getting hurt over there.
His dumbass responded:
Gotcha. She said she would be sitting on the skateboard. I guess we have to do a better job of locking her in her room. LOL It being 12 weeks since she was in her accident I thought she was fine. 6-8 weeks and she would be healed. Just take things easier for a while.
Me:
No, like I told you after the last appointment her arm will take 2 years to be fully healed. At least 6 months before she can start resuming normal activities. I told you all of this. That is why she can't play softball this spring. I am not seeing anything to LOL about.
Then he went off. Fine don't worry, we are canceling all activities and vacations we had planned this summer. We are going to drive her to the house. She will spend the weekend in her room and we will drive her back. Have her call me when she get's a chance so I can tell her in person. She is playing us and it is working. Little does she know that everything is now ruined because of her.
OMFG. So that is all the drama I got to deal with last night. I get to be the bad guy because he isn't responsible and DD thinks that because I told her dad we went to the doctor that this is all MY fault. I was screenshotting everything to DH and he said it before it even happened- DD is going to blame you for everything. You are taking care of her and worried about her and you get to be the bad guy.
I have been nice. I have been too nice. I never blamed him for his accident to anyone but you guys and DH. I have never given him a reason for the way he is acting. He wants to play like I am some HCBM, he is about to see what one looks like! We have been out of the hospital for 10 weeks! I should not be having her checked for a concussion because he can't handle following parenting and telling her NO, that isn't safe for you right now!
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This is frustrating.. you
This is frustrating.. you know that she could have long term problems if she doesn't follow Dr orders in the near term. While her dad should discourage obstacle courses and skateboards.. that doesn't mean that there aren't safe levels of activity for her. She could certainly go to the beach.. swim.. hike (reasonably safe trails).. etc.. she shouldn't be doing high impact, high risk things.. parasailing.. parcour.. snowboarding...
But... I will have to tell you that with a 14 yo.. SHE needs to be the one most in charge of her body and activities.. there is no way you or he can follow her around all day to make sure she doesn't try to jump the curb on her board... she told him she was going to do one thing.. then apparently she did another. THAT is on her. I know you are wanting him to be hypervigilant.. but SHE needs to understand the risk to herself..and at 14.. she is old enough to understand that she can't skateboard.. or obstacle course quite yet. She could have just as easily hopped on a friend's board when she was with you.. SHE needs to do better.
But, I understand the scary feeling that she is "there" and you can't watch her.. control what she does... and you already see your EX as not particularly responsible all the time.. so I know that is unnerving. The only way to really fix that is to make it HER job to behave whether she is with you or not.
His response was obviously
His response was obviously also an ahole type response.. but from past stories.. he seems like he is fairly immature in many ways... He has "mommy" aka his new wife deal with JMTB so he doesn't have to. He probably relied on JMTB when they were married to do all the "hard" stuff too.. and probably in some ways it makes him feel inadequate.. so he acts like a petulant child who has been scolded vs acting like a responsible parent that should have said.. "You know.. I didn't realize her activity was supposed to be limited that long.. I guess we need to really stay on her about being more careful." The whole "we will cancel everything" was not true.. they aren't going to cancel anything. he is just throwing a little mantrum.
Yes. Can you schedule an
Yes. Can you schedule an appointment with her doctor to explicitly go over what her recovery plan must be. Directly discuss with HER.
We talked more about her
We talked more about her making the right choices and that I understand she is active and adventurous and bored because she can't do her normal activities- however, she can't take these stupid risks.
We have a follow up with her orthopedic surgeon on Friday and we are going to go over EVERYTHING again for her arm.
At the end of the day though, her father is responsible for her, a minor child, when she is in his care. I know she is going to dumb things as a teenager, but his job is to protect her and keep her safe and keep instilling what the right choices are and when she can't do one thing, give her a safe alternative.
I stand by my earlier comment
Your ex is a doofus.
I think you were remarkably
I think you were remarkably calm and your ex is a moron. That said, you do need to sit the 14 year old down and give them a good old fashioned lecture about their health.
My Exact Thoughts
While that man is an idiot....DD14 needs a good "sit down" to discuss her health and what will happen if she doesn NOT take care of herself. That talk is especially needed because of her dumb azz father who apparently doesn't care. SMH
I absolutely, while balling
I absolutely, while balling my eyes out, told DD told her that I can't handle this again. That she has to remember she almost died. I sat at her hospital bed watching her in pain. Recover from 5 surgeries in 2 weeks. Cried with her, cried over her. Prayed like I never have in my life. I can't have her make a stuipd choice that lands her back into a major injury and recovery. She said she understood, cried too and we hugged it out.
I Want To Add....
you are NOT becoming a HCBM. You are a concerned parent and rightfully so. You are parenting your child but have to send her to an idiot father who cannot seem to parent. SMH
Don't ever consider yourself a HCBM over this matter. You did much better than I would have.
It sounds like your BD is a
It sounds like your BD is a bit of a dare devil and that her father encourages it. Either way sounds like both of them aren't getting the dose of reality that BD could seriously injure herself to the point she might not ever be able to enter the military. Or do permanent damage that could limit her for the rest of her life. I don't know what could get throught to them but it sounds like they need cold hard facts, not soft sentiment.
Thanks for the validation
Thanks for the validation ladies. There is no manual for how to do this whole parenting and co-parenting thing, and I try really hard to make things work.
His response was just so freaking stupid. Instead of saying something along the lines of- "I understand your concerns. We thought those activities were low risk and realize now that they weren't low enough for her at this time. We will keep her safe, tell her we love her" - I get the BS that he sent. I will not be the bad guy in all of this. If he wants to cancel everything, fine. We have our own plans this summer, so she can have fun with us- SAFELY and be bored and mad at him. Because at the end of the day, Mom didn't cancel shit. She just choose wisely and actually respected what the doctors and specialists said.
I mean.. seriously.. what are
I mean.. seriously.. what are all the plans that he cancelled? Did he really plan a family vacation to reach the top of Mt Everest? Xgames camp for the kids? Base Jumping lessons? I mean really... he is just lashing out.. likely because he knows you are right.
But.. at 14.. I get that he can't watch her like a hawk 24/7... and to that point your talk with her about making better choices for her own good.. because no one else has to live in her body... is the best way to go.
Because NO dumbaazz you don't have to lock her in her room to protect her but if you see her grab a skateboard or start climbing the obstacle course.. you tell her to stop.. that she isn't cleared for that yet. and.. if you DID plan some extreme motorcross trip for the family.. yeah.. maybe you DO need to rethink that since one of your family members shouldn't be doing that... and it is embarassing that I have to explain that to YOU as an adult... No one is asking you to wrap her in bubble wrap.. but helping her make safe decisions shouldn't be such a chore for you.
I wish it wasn't to late to
I wish it wasn't to late to just cut and paste this as a response to him! I am going to remember it if he is dumb enough to throw CaNcEliNg EveRyThinG agian though!
Your ex doofus needs a Flying
Your ex doofus needs a Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punch. Times two. *diablo*
U can't expect the 14 yr old
U can't expect the 14 yr old to be more mature than her dad. How old is this guy? He talks like he 's 19 or younger. Parents have lapses of judgment but if he doesn't understand the importance of safety for his kids, he's not to be trusted.
42! He is 42 freaking years
42! He is 42 freaking years old!
Let him cancel everything. I
Let him cancel everything. I don't have kids, but you seem to me like you're a much better parent so it's better if they stay with you.
I understood what he was
I understood what he was saying when he said he can't babysit a teenager, and no parent should have to babysit their teenager. However, the FIRST time she did something she knew she shouldn't do should have landed her back in the house, on the couch or in a chair, until she fully grasped the potential consequences to her actions.
Adventurous and stupid aren't synonyms. If DD wants to be outside and have fun, your XH needs to get creative about how to do that. Put her in a chair, buy some Super Soakers, and put paint chalk in them. Let her go nuts painting the driveway. If she misses being outdoors, take her on a casual hike at a local park. Take her to a ball game (if she likes that), movie, shopping, etc. Escape rooms are mentally stimulating and pretty limited on physical exertion. Do museums not exist where he is???
Him being a dick to you because he got caught is BS. His job is to protect DD, but that doesn't mean wrapping her in bubble wrap. It's setting boundaries but helping her not go crazy within those boundaries.
YES!!! Those are things that
YES!!! Those are things that we do! You have to be more creative to find ways to let her feel like she is still living life, while not risking another injury until she is fully healed!
Maybe you should point out that if she permanently damages
Maybe you should point out that if she permanently damages her arm she might not be able to enlist in the Air Force, since that seems so important to him. Your ex is an idiot.
And yet at one point, your ex
And yet at one point, your ex wanted DD to live with them full time and they thought they could handle it. Clearly he pays as much attention as a goldfish if he doesn't recall the medical limitations set by DD's physicians and allowed her to do this stuff.