Hello all,

Recap:  Adult SS 21 living at home, unemployed, no plans, no motivation.  Dad is the same way, unemployed, enabling his son. Situation is awful and I am currently in the process of leaving.  My husband does not know yet as I am trying to find employment elsewhere (hours away).  I work in a profession that requires background infromation, etc., so even when I get a job, it may be a month or more before I can start.  In any case, something happened a few nights ago that just blew my mind and I have to vent/talk about it on here. 

So I get home from work a few nights ago and my husband is in the kitchen, preparing dinner and is visibly irritated.  I have learned not to ask him what's wrong because he is generally hateful to me when I try to be kind to him (I have no clue why, he's always been this way).  I offer to help cut veggies, etc.  He then says, "well I'd have supper done by now if (his son) was here to help."  My husband was p*ssed that his son went out to drive to the park and had been gone for 3 hours.  I thought to myself how weird that is that he is mad at his adult son for going out of the house and how it is a clear reflection of the dysfunction and codependency in their relationship.  Then my husband said how his son should text him if he is going to eat supper with us or not so he knows how much food to cook, etc, which isn't unreasonable I suppose but in the end, his son is an adult.  If he doesn't get here for supper, he can feed himself.  I don't care either way because soon I'll be gone. 

SS comes home right as we are sitting down to eat.  My husband starts taking verbal jabs at him, saying "well that must be nice to go to the park and f*ck off all afternoon for 3 hours when I'm here doing housework.  You're an adult and should be helping out around here.  I don't like being home all day cleaning the house, cleaning up after you, doing your laundry while you're doing nothing with your life.  You don't help with anything, you don't even help yourself." My SS has no backbone when it comes to his Daddy, so he's like, "Well I'm sorry.  I didn't think about it.  I do try to help you."  And SS was being kind of a smart ass and not owning any of his irresponsible behavior.  Then my husband just loses it.  He starts yelling at his son, tells him how he is lazy and that he is a piece of sh*t (I'm sitting there quietly, thinking, well where would he have learned that behavior??).  Tells him he's sick of cleaning up after him and that he should be more responsible for himself.  Tells him he wishes he could go out and enjoy the nice weather but he has responsiblities around the house and that his wife (me) has to work all day too.  My SS is like, well I do pick up after myself... Husband cuts him off and says no you don't.  Husband says, "I clean your room, your bathroom and I wash your sheets which are still just crumpled up on your bed, you haven't even made your bed (he washed his sheets 3 days earlier).  Then you go out all day and screw off, then show up to eat whenevery you feel like it and sometimes you end up wasting our food because you had fast food before you came home."  He says "I don't care if you don't eat here but you should let me know if you are or aren't going to be here for supper."  Then he tells his son how he is lazy and he's been screwing off "for years," how is he is an embarrassment spending his wife's money and not doing anything with his life.  SS says "well I could get a full time job and get my own apartment.  I could live on my own."  I thought "ding! ding! ding!  We have a winner!"  And my husband hatefully says, "no you couldn't."  My SS insisted he could.  I kept my mouth shut but what I wanted to say was, "Well I think at this point you need to moveout.  You're not happy here and you are an adult, it's time you get out on your own.  We'll give you til 9/30/22 to get moved out.  If you're not out by that day, we'll pack you up and move you back in with your mother."  But I said nothing.  Then SS says how nice his mother is to him and how she never stresses or anything. And that just further infuriated my husband, who then said "well your mother has never worked (which is true) and has no responsibilities, everything is given to her, so of course she's never stressed."  I mean, this argument was fantastic, I sat there eating, watching it play out, totally entertained and feeling vindicated.  Finally SS goes to his room and starts throwing stuff and my husband screams at him to knock it off.  SS then says he's going to stay with his mom.  At that point, husband goes to SS's room, shuts the door and the arguing continues.  Then SS starts to throw ME under the bus, says how I am negative, how I cuss too much, how he hates living with us "because of all the negativity."  Admittedly, I come home and complain about my job, but who doesn't?  And also, I'm not even talking to SS when I'm talking about work, I'm talking to his dad.  Anyway, my husband didn't take the bait.  Husband tells son that he needs to go to school and how he cares about his future, blah blah blah.  Husband also tells his son how entitled he is and how everything, including his joke of a job that he got through his stepdad, is given to him, how he has never worked for what few things he has.  SS starts bawling and then my husband starts talking quieter and in the end, nothing changes.  He is now back to kissing SS's ass and the newest insult:  I'm not allowed to say anything negative or say a single cuss word in my own home.  Last night I made a funny, off-handed comment about how weird some guy's face looked on an old 80s show we were watching and my husband chastises me, "keep it down" so his son wouldn't hear the "negativity."  I'm just infuriated.  I'm so glad I'm leaving and I would love to be a fly on the wall when husband has to work a 40 hour sh*t job to continue to support his son.  His son went yesterday and dropped off an application at a local community college because his dad made him, but I know his son will either back out at the last minute, or start classes then flunk out because that is what he has done in the past.

I'm just glad I'm getting out of this situation.  It is so unhealthy, the dynamic between these two and I'm not afraid to admit that I believe I have been experiencing emotional abuse over the years. I just thought the argument was great and it made me feel good knowing that husband is p*ssed at his son and that this will likely worsen after I leave. 

I'm hoping I don't snap though and tell my husband I'm going to say what I want in my own home and if his manchild doesn't like it, he needs to leave.  Because ultimately, that's the truth.  That is not SS's home, for now, it's mine.  I pay for everything. What kind of parent allows their 21 year old dependent offspring to tell them how to act in their own home?  Who does that? 

Oh, and I also refused to pay for SS's dental work (his mama makes his appointments for him).  That p*ssed his dad off but in the end, he says, "well, he should've taken care of his teeth."  I guess SS needs about $4000 worth of dental work done.  NOT my problem.  If he comes to me about needing to pay for his classes (if he even goes), the answer will be no too.

I have more interviews scheduled through this week and the end of March.  I can't wait to get out of this situation!!!!