Continued adult step daughter issues -

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I posted last year about the adult 32 year old step-daughter who came up from Florida and moved in with us. She had a job - ok not really a job- she babysat for some guy off and on, then she started working at a cafe but quit that "it was too much drama". Geeze, I'm a charge nurse and i sure wish I could quit whenever there was too much drama in the covid world... Anyway, so she was driving my second car (against my wishes) until he finally gave her his avalanche. Well she drove that for awhile until it broke down. So he gave her the suburban which is owned by the man who owns the house next to us and lives in California and comes up a couple times a year. Well, guess what? Then the reverse went out on that. My husband had never told the guy she was driving it for months and then lied to him about what happened to the car. She had rented a room but then decided she didn't like the roommate and so my husband gave her the keys to the apartment next door (also owned by the man in California - we manage his place for him when he's not here) and she has been living there for the last 4 months rent free. Of course I'm sure he doesn't know about this either. My husband says he'll just take it off the of the bill when he does work over there for the owner. I said no she needs to pay rent. This resulted in a big argument. He says she got a car and she's paying her own insurance, she's trying.... ok, he bought the car for her. She doing a couple hours here and there at a cafe but basically not working at all. He took her to Florida with him in January and paid for everything including the fees to bring all her stuff back up here. Of course she's going to stay in Alaska, daddy takes care of everything. He's back in Florida again for the second time this year on a yet another cruise with his mother while I'm up here working. He has his own business so he can leave whenever he wants. We are scheduled to be gone for 5 weeks the end of April on a cruise and he says he is going to have his daughter stay at our house and that her goal is to have a place to live and a job by the time we get back (beginning of June) I do not want her staying here. She social circle is people that have ankle monitors and are either current or previous addicts. And she needs to be looking for a job now not then. She can't stay in the place she is in now after the end of May since it is used as an AirBnB in the summer. I do not want her moving back in with us. I have worked since I was 13 and work full time plus and take care of the lodge and make sure all the bills are paid, emails answered, reservation calendars update, etc. I have zero respect for her and it goes against every moral I have. It is making me lose respect for him as well since he enables her. I don't want my house to become a 5 week vacation home for her. I have 4 cats which she doesn't like and I've seen her push them off her lap when she was living with us. If she injured one of them all hell would break loose. Husband and I have not shared the same room in months. He is now sending me all these lovey dovey emails from his cruise (his 3rd this year) and I just feel nothing. I think it is just guilt, nothing more. I've worked hard to build this busines (our lodge) and am not going to walk away, but I'm just feeling so resentful toward both of them. She gets everything handed to her. She told him she was an alcoholic which I never believed and since he was a previous alcoholic before I met him this became a bond. Well now we're almosst 2 years later and she told him she started on a new depression med and it takes 3-4 months to be effective. I told him, no more like 3 weeks. I mean I'm just a RN for 28 years what the hell would I know? But he believes her so she gets to sit in her rent free very nice apartment running up someone else's bills and they both think this is ok. I still love him, but I feel no romantic love at all. We've been married 19 years and everything was fine until 2 years ago when she came up her for "a couple weeks for the summer" and never left. I'm angry all the time and just can't ignore how I feel. Whenever I try to talk to him he becomes defensive and just clams up. I know even if I say I don't want her in the house he will just go behind my back and let her anyway, just like he did with my car when I said I didn't want her driving it. Thanks for letting me vent.

So the facts i’ve gathered so far is:

-she is a trespasser on neighbours property illegally living there

-she is using utilities at neighbours home (illegally)

-your partner allowed his daughter to live in someones home illegally.

-your partner is an enabler (that will never change)

hun, i think its time you give a tip off to the owner of property next door that your husband/partner has let his daughter live in several months (that it never came from you and you know nothing about it)

said owner comes back unannounced to find adult sd trespassing and cops are called, she is arrested. You stay out of it.

i would never be married to a man like this with no morals.

i'd rain hell on him way before he thought this crap could continue much longer. I don't have much sympathy for leechers or cod using the divorce to have everything handed to them on a silver platter

Either this or tell your DuH

Tell your DuH that the day before you leave for the cruise you're having the locks changed and that she won't be getting a key therefore she needs to step up her game NOW and find a job and another place to stay before you go. Then change the game a little by having coded locks put in instead of keyed ones. By all means, give your DuH the code before you leave but make sure the last thing you do is to change it as you go out the door so he can't give it to the sponger. Then call the guy in California. Pity you won't be able to watch the scene unfold.

What do you usually do with your cats when you go away? Do you have a cat-sitter or do you kennel them?

Cats

I have a nurse who I work with who goes by every day and makes sure the cats are good. She always spends a couple hours with them. She has done this for me for 5 years and she loves my babies and I trust her!

Her husband is the one that

Her husband is the one that put her in that man's car and home. He is the one who is stealing from his employer basically giving away free rent. If he told the man that he would do this up front. Different. But he has not. This is a huge breakdown of her husband's moral compass.

And sister is a low life user

What I don't understand is

What I don't understand is why he didn't just call the guy in California and ask if his daughter could stay there (as he lets it out as an AirBnB, he apparently accepts having strangers in his hours). Did your DuH get the guy's car repaired?

Another thing, I'd have reported my car stolen the first time she took it without my permission. Does that mean she's driving without insurance?

Here's my take, FWIW

Your husband is engaging in criminal behavior by allowing someone to trespass property he is responsible for.

Your husband is opening you up to liability should anything go wrong/damage at neighbor's property or while driviing neighbor's vehicle without their permission. (Should daughter burn down house, kill someone with car - there is no doubt that the neighbor WILL sue you (both).

Your husband does not respect you.

Your husband abuses your trust.

Your husband takes you for granted.

Your husband prioritizes his daughter's wants over your needs.

Your husband allows his daughter to use your property DESPITE you saying no.

Your husband is withholding himself from you physically and intimately because his first love (daughter) is fulfilling all his emotional desires and in his mind, being with you is second-best.

Your husband chooses to enjoy himself on vacations without you.

Your husband's daughter socializes with criminals, opening YOU (and your professional career) to risk.

Let's recap - the one common denominator to all of these disturbing and destructive issues is ... your DH.

19 years married or not, I would be out the door. As a nurse, you can literally write your ticket anywhere in this country. I'd be finding a job out of AK and would spend several months as a travelling nurse. Tell your DH that during this time, he is to send his daughter on her merry way somewhere outside of AK and stop supporting her grown-ass. If he cannot manage to do that, I'd be filing for divorce.

^^^This^^^

And he's frittering away marital funds on his side piece uh, daughter.

OP, your marriage is effectively over. Your H doesn't cherish you. Heck, he left you at home to vacation in FL with his mini wife while you were recuperating from surgery. Why do you stay?

Please talk to a few divorce attorneys to find out where you stand, and read up on enmeshment/emotional incest. You'll learn that your H and his adult daughter are sick together, and that enmeshment is a very difficult dynamic to change. You need to save yourself and rebuild your self worth.

I'm glad you came back to update us on your situation, and we're here to support you. Find your strength and end this debacle.

I am so sorry you are going

I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with other posters, the issue is your husband. Until he gets on-board with you and sets expectations for his adult baby, nothing will change. Her behavior will continue because he allows it.

I am leaving my husband as my situation is similar to yours. I have a 21 yo SS who is unemployed, smokes pot with his dad, sleeps til noon, plays video games, is disrespectful to me, does nothing, has no plans to do anything, and my husband enables him. Reading about your situation makes me keenly aware that I will be walking in your shoes if I don't do something now.

I encourage you to take care of yourself and get in a place in your life where you can be happy. I know it is hard to leave, I understand this all too well. But, once the ball is rolling on your escape plan, the weight of your situation will already somewhat improve and you will feel a little better.

We are all here for you - please keep us updated!

I know you said you don't

I know you said you don't have respect for her, don't blame you, but don't have any respect for your husband. He is a liar and a thief.

I can't wrap my head around any of this being allowed to happen. I certainly hope that instead of leaving with him for 5 weeks you take those 5 weeks to hire an attorney, file for divorce and move out.

When I read this.. I was kind

When I read this.. I was kind of like.. well.. divorce might be an overreaction. BUT.. I went and re-read her post and she says that "WE manage" the property for the man in CA.

That means that her DH is not only a thief of that man's resources.. but he has made his WIFE a thief as well. Ironically it is only SD that could claim innocence of knowingly stealing from this man since she doesn't have any fiduciary responsibility to him since she is not party to the property management agreement her dad and step mom have with him.

So.. if/when this man discovers that they have been allowing his property to be used with no compensation and no notice to him.. The minimum he is likely to do is stop the maintenance oversight agreement with them.. but he may well SUE BOTH of them for fraud.

What she needs to do is make this hill to die on right now.

DH.. this situation ends right now. You are going to inform MR CA that you have allowed someone to use his property for the last 4 months and you need to know what rent he wants to charge for "off season" if you don't already know the rate. Ask if there is any way that you can work off or reduce your fees to cover some of this amount and then pay the man.

She needs to be out of the space and like yesterday.

If he refuses to address this.. I would consider divorce and inform him that I would be telling MR CA myself and leave them to the consequences.

Thinking of you and hoping things change for the better, and SOON!

Call the property ownher and drop a dine on your criminal DH

and his toxic crotch rot of a daughter.

Keep in mine that you are primarily responsible for building the business. Take half, or better yet, take it all and leave your idiot DH and his crotch rot behind.

Take care of you.