What to do? Both of us are at a loss
My SS will 20 soon, but my husband and I are at a loss about what to do, if anything, for him. He's pulled some pretty lazy BS on us over the last couple of years since he graduated from high school. It was a month after month event of problems caused from being lazy. His license was suspended and he didn't want to bother with following through on getting it straightened out, drove on it suspended and almost got arrested. Half took care of that problem only to have it suspended again while lying about being in classes at the local community college and costing a lot of money to get the problems taken care of. So my husband made him work for him and embarassed him to his employees by treating the job and his coworkers with a lot of disrespect. Drinking with his friends at our house and allowing his friends to shack up or just use our house as a flop house. Constantly lies about doing very basic things like when he'll be back or where he's been, sometimes staying out for a week at a time. My husband has been after him to get a job, which he lies about looking for one. After lying about being in school and working part time my husband took away the credit card that was supposed to be used for gas, but he pissed away over $2100 in 6 weeks.
He does the bare minimum, sometimes its only an attempt at the bare minimum to meet the minimum requirements we've set for him. Bathe daily, change clothes daily, look for a job, be a part time student.
We recently found out that his mother has gotten heavily involved in alcohol, amphetamines and cocaine for the last 6 - 8 months and has left her husband and is living with friends. There is also concern about how she is supporting her habits since she works part time as a waitress and how much my SS knows.
We know we can't kick him out. He isn't capable of taking care of himself, managing basic things like a job and paying rent. It has become more and more apparent that the beliefs that have been instilled in him from BM, SD and friends are out in left field. That we were supposed to give him a 'Richie-Rich' type job and that he's pretty much allowed to cruise along on permanent summer vacation on dad's dime. Whenever a situation presented itself over the last 20 years that he would learn to take care of himself, he left it until someone dragged him through it or did it for him. Crucial lessons like taking care of personal business like drivers license, paying bills, taxes have literally been taught to him as "just ignore it and it will go away" by his BM.
Today, my husband pulled away from the house to see one of SS's friends car parked to the side of the house and let SS know that our house isn't a flop house for his friends. After trying to get him to get up for 3 hours after his friend left, I catch him smoking in the bathroom and he cops and attitude with me. I let him know that I'm not having either. He took off early this afternoon and said he'd be home for dinner, we haven't seen him yet. And we don't expect to, even though he told his dad he would be and my husband has told him that he stays at our house.
So we are lost. This person's head is so twisted around and he's not real fast on the uptake or at remembering things, we can't figure what do with him, for him, or for ourselves.
Are you sure he's not doing
Are you sure he's not doing drugs or drinking? No offense-just seems like he's living in another world. I would give him a time limit to look for a job and get his own place. If he continues to just be "lazy" its time to just tell him he's an adult and if he's not going to try-theres nothing left for you to do. Tough Love is the best thing, imo because he needs to learn to be a man now.
I agree with both of the
I agree with both of the comments above. There comes a time when tough love is in order, and it sounds to me like now is the time for you SS. He's an adult, no longer a child. It's not going to kill him to have to learn how to make it on his own. You and your DH babying him along isn't going to help him, it's only enabling him to continue with this behavior. It's obvious that he has no interest in taking what you are trying to give him and take advantage of the chance to make something better of himself. It's time to cut the cord, so to speak, and let him go. Once he figures out that you and DH aren't going to clean up his messes and take care of him when he decides to show up at your house anymore, he will be forced to either find someone else to mooch off of or grow up and be a man and take care of himself. I know it's a hard decision to make, but it sounds like that is what needs to happen or he will just keep on doing what he's doing.
You know what might fix him?
You know what might fix him? Have him join the Army if they'll take him.
My oldest wasn't nearly as bad as what you are describing. But I will admit that he was given everything growing up and never really had to work for anything. We knew he wasn't ready to go away to college when he graduated from high school. He took the ASVAB and got a perfect score. And he joined the Army. He went away for Army Basic training and he will tell you that many times during the training he thought he wasn't going to make it. He called me crying several times. He got sick. He got injured. But he made it! Right after he graduated from Basic/AIT, he went to Afghanistan for a year. He had fun...it nearly killed me!
He is now a sophomore (will be a junior in the fall) at a major university. He is on a full ROTC scholarship. The Army pays for all of his tuition, food, books, fees, housing, ....everything! Plus, he gets a little over $1,000 a month to play with. Plus, he got a $30,000 bonus after basic.
This kid who wouldn't even get out of bed before 2pm is now on a full college scholarship, drives a brand new car fully paid for, and has a 3.2 GPA. He is going to graduate as a 2 Lieutenant in the Army. He has a very serious girlfriend who would make the perfect officer's wife. His dad was an officer. His stepdad was an officer. His grandfather's were both officers. My dad is a retired General. His great-grandfather is also a retired General. He is following in the footsteps of greatness!
I KNOW beyond any shadow of doubt that his Drill Sergeants at Basic get the credit! They fixed what I couldn't.
I wish he could join the
I wish he could join the service, any branch, but he would have to lose a minimum of 50 lbs. before any of them would consider him. He's one of those the Sec. of the Army said were the greatest threat to our nations security, young people who are too overweight, on too many drugs or have too many dependent children.
What's insane is that at one time he talked of joining the USMC and trying to be a gunnery sgt. because of the video games he was playing. My husband grabbed right on to that idea and is still promoting it. Yikes!
These days the service will kick someone out and let them know that the US military isn't a babysitting service. He also has the wonderful example of his SB that went AWOL after 1 week of basic. The military would have been a better option starting in the 9th grade.
I agree that he needs to
I agree that he needs to realize what life is about..
There is no other way.
If you think that kicking him out is too harsh, do it smoothly.
Find a cheep apartment close to your house, tell him that he can do his laundry in your place twice a week.. Tell him you will help with his car payments -like a 30% for example.. That you will always be there for him in case of an emergency.. BUT he will have to start a life of his own for his own sake. He needs to learn how to be independent,(and responsible).
Dont let him become like my brother.33 years old -still lives with my father and cannot even do laundry!! If my father doesnt do it for him he wont have a clean sock to wear! Its a shame.. dont let it happen.
Definitely kick him out. He
Definitely kick him out. He isnt a child anymore and grownups have to take care of themselves. He had his chance to get out into the world the easy way and choose to waste it so now he will have to do it the hard way...and struggle...and he should. Not only will he learn life lessons that he obviously needs but he will also hopefully learn to respect himself and maybe if your real lucky he will even learn to respect and appreciate others.
Thanks folks, but many of
Thanks folks, but many of these things are beyond this individual. He's not able to keep track of even simple tasks or deadlines. He doesn't understand that ignoring things doesn't make them go away or basic communication. His social skills are limited to communicating with people on line in video games. He turned in his first paper to a new instructor last week and I had a chance to look at it, it had no punctuation, capitalized letters in random places and profanity. The theme was "Why are you taking this class?" He has to be told to do basic things like bathe or change his clothes. I would think that he was developmentally challenged if it weren't for the fact that he was repeatedly tested and coached throughout school.
He's got some really bad examples and influences. If we kick him out he has the opportunity to go live with BM. Who is currently engaged in some excessive drug taking and partying. He won't work and doesn't understand work at all. He complained about working 41 hours in one week and one 9 hour day.
It would be hard for my husband to condemn his son to a lost life since my SS not the kind of person to ever get figure things out for himself.
"He's not able to keep track
"He's not able to keep track of even simple tasks or deadlines. He doesn't understand that ignoring things doesn't make them go away or basic communication."
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It appears that, that is because everyone picks up the pieces for him and he's never had to be soley responsible and deal with hard consequences. Him not "able" or "understanding" is because he's never had to. Why should he? He has it made.
I mean, really, he knows you're not going to kick him out so what is his incentive to get off his butt and grow up?
"We know we can't kick him
"We know we can't kick him out" :? You mean you choose not to kick him out.
He is a 20yo. You can banish him from your home any time that you want. In my opinion by letting him stay you are enabling his behavior.
If he were my Skid I would take him to the Armed Forces Recruiting Center and give him the choice of Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines and Coast Guard.
Time for dad to step up and parent rather than allowing his 20yo to take advantage him, you and your marriage.
IMHO of course.
Best regards
After reading your response.
After reading your response. I agree. Drugs. This situation almost, well, not almost, it actually does remind me of the program on A&E called Intervention.
So many parents want to turn a blind eye. In essence, you're killing him with love.
I'd be VERY suprised if he wasn't doing drugs now that you mention all the points, Natural.
I agree with everyone here.
I agree with everyone here. You and your DH have got to step up, together, and get this boy out of your house. Is he mentally disabled? Is that why you feel you can't kick him out? If that is the case, you two need to find a program to put him in. If not, you need to take your house and your marriage back and put your foot down. He is only going to continue this behavior as long as you and your DH are enabling him to do so. He needs a swift kick in the butt to jolt him into reality. If he chooses to go live with BM, so be it. He is an adult, and if that is the life he wants for himself, he is old enough to choose that, but you and your DH should not have to put up with it. I, too, think you should set up a deadline and get this kid out of your house and out on his own so he will have to grow up in order to survive. I know it sounds and feels like a harsh thing to do, but it will be for the best in the end.