Stepson with "autism" making want to walk

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I put "autism" in quotes because he hasn't been officially diagnosed. I just found that out a few days ago. He is 13. Seems like he has other issues too, like anxiety. Husband told me in the start of our relationship that SS is just really shy and has to get used to me. It's been a year and the situation is declining. He won't even look at me, won't even look my way while walking through a room I'm in...He has walked into a wall and table before.

A little history before I go any further...I have 6 children, all adults, all healthy and smart. They still need my help from time to time, of course, with new adult issues and needing me to care for grand babies and such. I am so happy to help! My kids come first. However, they did not want me to marry and I didn't want to put their concerns before my "happiness". Hindsight is 20/20, always. I'm mad at myself for not listening to them. And now, I was told yesterday, my granddaughter doesn't want to come to my house anymore because SS makes her very uncomfortable. He stares a lot and if you look his way, he'll whip his head around like he wasn't looking at you, but then go right back to staring at you. When he plays and gets excited about it, he flails around like a wild baboon, making noises like he can't breathe through his nose. Husband told me about a month ago that he used to make that noise when he gets excited and I had to point out that he STILL makes that noise. That of which brings me to my actual vent...

Husband does not pay a whole lot of attention to him. SS only talks to him and when he does, he talks with his mouth closed and you can rarely understand him. So it's always, "what? What? WHAT? Speak up, I can't hear you. What?" One would think that after 13 years, they'd have a better communication strategy. I pick SS up from school every day, I say hi (no response), get home, ask him if he wants anything to eat (no response), goes to his room to watch you tube videos on his tablet until husband gets home and he's immediately on his back about getting him something to eat or drink or asks him if he can play outside. It's like I'm not even there. I think I'm going through depression, I'm not used to this type of parenting! Even my 5 yo grandson is easier to take care of. Last week, husband told me he knew it was worse than he originally told me, so now I'm kinda feeling manipulated. I question the whole marriage relationship now. Did he marry me so quickly because he doesn't know how to handle his son and thought I would take over and we'd live happily ever after? SS bio mom is hardly in the picture. They FaceTime maybe about once a week and all it is is a circus act. She talks to him with a really high pitched voice like he's 3 and all he does is jump around and makes that annoying breathing sound. Maybe that's all he needs from her, I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything anymore. (Side note, his mom lives in CA and he's here with dad (Oklahoma) because she left everything behind, even though husband pays her alimony.)

There is a lot more to vent about, but this is already very lengthy and I feel a little better getting it out. If anyone has any questions, concerns, or suggestions, I would love to hear from you. Thank you for letting me vent!

I mean, it does sound like he

I mean, it does sound like he is on the spectrum. I am curious why he hasn't been tested. The screening is pretty intense if done right. His father is doing him a huge disservice by not having a diagnosis if Autism is in question.

My SS21 is Autistic, it's hard a lot of the time. BUT- we have a great therapist, he is on medications to help certain behaviors, my husband is supportive. We still have rule and expectations for him that are appropriate for his adjusted age level.

My SS probably won't ever live on his own, but I had to make it so that I could still live with him. It's not that there aren't bad days, or weeks- they happen! But it isn't insurmountable stuff.

Thank you for replying! I don

Thank you for replying! I don't know the exact reason he wasn't officially tested and diagnosed. All I got was that one of his elementary school counselors recognized it, put him in IEP classes and then nothing else was ever done. It could have been because his bio mom has mental health issues of her own and they were busy with that.

I think that if I were younger and not thrown into this situation (and yes, I acknowledge I did this to myself by rushing into a marriage), I'd probably have more desire to do everything I could for him and the marriage, but I feel like I was blindsided. Husband used to talk about getting him ready to be ready for the real world because he just has a few years left til he's 18. Uh, hello? He doesn't even talk to anyone but you! I think he's clueless and doesn't realize we'll be taking care of him the rest of his life. And that makes me sad for everyone involved, if I walk away or stay.

schools do not diagnose

The school will work on issues that present themselves in school. Schools mostly do academic support. There may be counseling, but it's goal is for the child to function in school. Behavior outside of school may be touched on, but it's not the focus. Schools do not do is diagnose.

Schools do not diagnose. They will not say a child is autistic. They may think it, but they won't say it. An autism diagnosis needs to come from a medical professional. The most a school, at least here, will say is that you should talk about these behaviors with your child's pediatrician. So unless BM and/or dad brought the issues to the attention of the pediatrician, there will be no formal diagnosis.

With a formal diagnosis, Dad can push for a program that includes therapy for the autistic behavior. Those programs work on behavior that will transfer to out of school.

Thank you for replying. I

Thank you for replying. I really don't know a lot about these things, but I'm learning fast! Lol. Also, I don't know if SS past pediatrician was presented with this topic, but he does have a new pediatrician here and I've told husband that he should talk to the new one to find out what can be done or what next steps to take, but I haven't heard anything about it. Unfortunately, I'm not a nag. Lol. But I do know when to speak up...most of the time.

Skip the pediatrician at this

Skip the pediatrician at this point and call counseling centers in your area. Ask if they do Autism Assessments and schedule it. Expect 2-3 sessions (more if you suspect ADHD and Anxiety) of a couple of hours each. After you know either way- you can make an educated decision on staying or ending things.

Husband set up a time for

Husband set up a time for next week at Family/children services. He's dreading the paperwork. Apparently, a few years ago, they were starting the process to diagnose SS, but DH didn't want to continue because his MIL at the time was being too controlling.

SS is supposed to stay with biomom for the summer if she can find a way financially to get him to CA and back. That should be very interesting.

First off, he NEEDS a

First off, he NEEDS a diagnosis. Once he has that, you can start getting him the help he needs. Dammit! Your DuH should be effin' ashamed of himself for not doing what needs to be done for his son! I am ANGRY for this kid. The two people in his life who can make a difference are failing him miserably, and why? Because it takes work..

Or is he ashamed of him?

Why has nobody sought a diagnosis?

Thank you for replying!

Thank you for replying! Husband is soft spoken and he does feel bad for letting a diagnosis and help for his son be put on the back burner. He has an appointment with family and children's services next week and wants us to see a marriage counselor. I initially said I needed someone to talk to because I don't know how to deal with this. So I guess marriage counseling wouldn't hurt. Lol Hopefully family and children services will be a good start too.

"Soft spoken"

"Feels bad"

More like neglectful thus abusive to his son. 13 years old and no diagnosis. One google search and a little bit of reading would have told him that early intervention is key for children with autism. Idiot. His child's failure to thrive is his failure as a parent. Really.

"His child's failure to

"His child's failure to thrive is his failure as a parent"

That's a great way to put it. I agree! I really hope DH learns this. And I hope it's not too late, for his sake. Strange, he's big on reading and keeps up with the daily national news and politics, but it doesn't seem like he's done much research on this.

While it does seem like he

While it does seem like he has some issues.. and those issues may make communications difficult.. he apparently DOES have the abitlity to speak (somewhat) to his father. He should not be allowed to absolutely ignore you without any response. You should have a minimal expectation of civility.. and if the kid is not capable of it??? his father is being outright neglectful by not getting him the help and therapy that he will need to allow him to maximise his life potential. What does he think will happen.. this kid will end up mouth grunting on his tablet at 32 in the spare room if someone doesn't start to make some real effort now.

And.. honestly in your shoes,.. I wouldn't accept his non-response when you are the one toting him around in your car.. fixing him food.

you: Hi SS, how was your day.

SS: silence....

you: SS, I said hello... and asked you how your day went.. answering me is not optional.

SS: silence.

you: You know, I am not obligated to cart you around and pick you up.. If you choose to not respond to me, I there will be consequences. Today those consequences are losing use of your tablet & phone.. hand them over.

If he refuses or starts to make a scene.. just calmly explain that the longer he fights the natural consequence of his actions.. the longer the ban on electronics will last.. does he want to lose them tomorrow too? how about a week?.. the month? It's up to you SS..

And.. that's when you tell your DH that you will no longer be driving someone that treats you rudely... and that he better find some after school care situation for the kid because if the boy won't answer basic questions.. you don't need to be in charge of him... and by the way DH.. your kid is struggling.. and you are letting him.. get him tested!

^^^^ This. Absolutely.

^^^^

This. Absolutely.

Thank you, ESMOD! I have told

Thank you, ESMOD! I have told him before that it doesn't hurt to talk to me or anyone. He acts like it's a very painful thing to do. Last Sunday, I asked him why he didn't eat his lunch that he specifically asked for (it was in the trash and sink.) His dad and I were both sick that day and I was wondering if he was sick too. He hid behind the wall, but his dad was right there too, so dad asked are you sick? I told him to look at me and just answer my question. He looked at dad and asked if he was in trouble. Let me point out that I do not yell at him or belittle him, but I also don't talk to him in a baby voice that he's so accustomed to. The more I talk to him and try to get him to talk to me, the more he clams up. There have been times I turned the wifi off (he doesn't have data service on his tablet) so that maybe he'd go outside to play ball like he loves to do. But he just lays on his bed with the covers over his face. If I TELL him to go outside to play, he waits til dad gets home and asks him.

You have taken on far too

You have taken on far too much responsibility for this child. DH needs to do the heavy lifting. If DH won't parent him & make him be civil. dh needs to take him to school, etc. or find someone to do it.

This! Why are you doing all

This! Why are you doing all of this for ss? Who did this prior to getting married?

Do you work, or did you give up your career after getting married?

Hi, steppedOut

Truthfully, I don't do much for SS anymore. It's gotten to where I don't really care about him. I don't like the way he talks to his dad and dad allows (or puts up) with it, which has made me feel disrespect for him (my husband). According to husband, he did it all, did everything that needed to be done around the house...cooked cleaned and worked...when he was married to his bio mom. When they divorced, he luckily had a job he could work from home. But now, a year later, he has a new "outside" job and needs my help to pick SS up from school or stay home with him when he's sick, which seems like he's sick a lot. Bio mom is not around.

I worked overnights for 4 years at a place that was tolerable, but it felt good to quit and get back on a normal sleep schedule. Lol. Since I quit, I've finished an online course and am looking to get certification in hopes to be able to work from home, but that usually isn't possible if one is just starting out in that field. So, that's another nail in the coffin as to why I'm feeling stuck.

Revisionist History.

* No need to bang on, as OP is handling her business like a BOSS!*

You got taken in by the ole

You got taken in by the ole bait n switch. Your H saw that you're an experienced mother and thought he could install you in his life to care for his shamefully neglected son.

We've all made mistakes. What's important is what you do next. I hope you'll put together an exit strategy and take your life back. Go to counseling while you live apart, and see if this man is willing to step up his parenting and be worthy of you. If your H truly wants to save the marriage he'll work the problem, while you work on regaining traction in your life.

Thank you. I think I've been

Thank you. I think I've been thinking exactly the same thing, I just needed to hear it. It would take a bit because I don't want to kick them to the curb (it's my house), but something needs to be done and not just talked about.

This just gets worser and

This just gets worser and worser. Where was this man living when you met? Who was caring for his son?

You need to stop doing ANYTHING for them, just stop. No cooking, cleaning, transporting etc. Make your H move out, and then see how much he wants to make things work. Quit providing solutions to HIS problems.

I know, it's starting to

I know, it's starting to REALLY sound like a mess now. We lived almost 4 hours away from each other and he had his own apartment there. At first, I was going to move up there, but I had a horrible gut feeling about being away from my family so I insisted he move down here. He was caring for SS, took him to school, sometimes DH's sister had to pick him up, sometimes SS had to go to work with him.

So, here's the plan...first things first, I need to go back to work! It will all be a huge change, but it will be a good one and it needs to be done for my sanity.

Suspected of being on the spectrum, and even actually....

being on the spectrum is not an excuse to be a shitty parent.

On the alimony XW front, time for your DH to slap his X with a monster CS order. She does not get to skate on their children. Your SO needs to grow some testicular fortitude in parenting, and in dealing with his X.

IMHO of course.

On the pick up and drop off of SS from school. Time for an after school care model. If there is a YMCA in your area they often have after school "camp" at local schools where YMCA counselors oversee kids until a parent picks them up. Homework time, activities, trained oversight.

Enjoy your return to work.

I wish there was a Y near us.

I wish there was a Y near us. We live in a smallish town and the only real option is daycare, but he's too old for the places around here. Thank you for your input! I really shouldn't say too much about biomom because 1) I don't know much about her, just the stuff DH has told me, so of course it's all evil, and 2) I just don't care anymore. Lame, I know.

As a parent to a child on the

As a parent to a child on the spectrum this makes me upset. I had to fight tooth and nail to get a diagnosis and services for my child because BioD, a narcissistic, was not on board with our child not being "perfect" like him even tho our child clearly was having issues at school and teachers told us he needed assessment and services. The school was willing to set up an IEP and services (in 1st grade) even without sabotaging Dad's consent but I had to get a court order to allow full medical decision making in order to get the full medical assessment. My child is now a straight A student and will soon graduate from high school. I don't know where he would be now if the school had not given him the help he needed. Narcissistic BioD now agrees with the diagnosis and claims he was the 1st to discover there was a problem. Whatever, the record shows the truth and either way our child got what they needed. SOMEONE (parents) dropped the ball for your SS! How SAD!!!

I am really glad you got the

I am really glad you got the help your son needs! Just goes to show, it's not always as easy as it could be. I'm hoping DH sticks to his guns and gets SS diagnosed soon. It's out of my hands now. I told him last night that I can't live like this anymore and that I'm done with the stress and want out. We haven't said much to each other since, but he is looking for somewhere to live without me.

Did you husband also

Did you husband also encourage you to quit your job?

Not really encouraged me, but

Not really encouraged me, but I had the choice if I wanted to work or not. I chose "not" because I worked overnights and missed having a normal sleep schedule.

Thank you all for talking me through this!

We are divorcing. Husband (and his son) are staying with his mom until he can find his own place. I won't have to deal with it anymore, except for the shambles that my house is in at the moment. I feel really bad for them, but he's being very civil about it all. I wish I could turn back time and not go through this, but lessons learned all over the place. Maybe he finally realizes he can't ignore his son's condition anymore. It's not going to magically go away by pretending nothing is wrong. And I feel so stupid that he sucked me into it. Maybe not intentionally, but one-sided happiness will not work in a relationship. Yes, sacrifices need to be made sometimes, but I saw everything spiraling downward and I'm not going to be a part of it.

Thank you all for listening to my woes and concerns, and also for the advice. You helped me see the bigger picture and that I'm not the only person in the world that was going through this. Thanks again and God bless you and your families!

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Stepson with "autism" making want to walk