Being Bestie
My SD8 calls me her bestie. She has since I met her. I would always take the extra time and extra effort to make sure she always had fun and wanted me around. Maybe i did too good of a job.
My SD wont do anything without me. My SO used to think me not wanting to do things with them was me saying i hated her. (he was very dramatic.. still is sometimes) We have talked it out since and he understands that sometimes i just want to do my own thing. I have lots of things I would like to get done and sometimes it occupies my entire day. SD hates it. She tells my SO that she doesnt want "dads week and moms week". She wants my week and moms week. My SO has recently made some very needed changes in our day to day life with SD and she hates him for it. Causing her to cling onto her "bestie" even more. She always wants to do stuff without my SO and play games without him. Basically wants it to be just me and her. At first it was cute and i was happy she liked me around, but I am so sick of it. She is not nice to me at all. I may sound dramatic saying that, but if you've read any of the blogs Ive posted about her, youd understand. It is such a challange to disengage from her. Being her "bestie" has drained me. It has caused me a lot of anxiety and depression. My SO is aware and has been doing anything I ask of him to help me.
I dont know where to go from here. Is it possible to be the "bestie" but also disengage from her? My sanity is at stake.
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I commented on one of your
I commented on one of your other blogs and I'm going to say the same thing again here. You need to take a step back and your BF needs to do everything with her. Parent her, spend time with her, whatever it is you feel your being drained from. This SD of yours is not a bestie, it's an entitled brat that needs parental control from her father. You need to only worry about you right now. If you stepping away offends your BF and he sees it as you hating his daughter, then maybe get a new BF?
I've been able to add a lot
I've been able to add a lot more detailed factors throughout the comments of my last couple blogs that possibly might add more to the situation
I don't really have a "step forth" to step back out. Unless that's referring to playing games and colors and such with her. I do go through her homework and help her with spelling words and vocabulary words with her on school days. But the parenting aspect of it is completely on my SO.
He was very much blind to the effect of "babying" has done on his daughter. BM and BD and BD parents have all grown accustomed to those type of coddling ways. And when i started noticing and talking to my SO about the things i had observed he was very defensive about it. No parent wants to be told their not a good parent. Whether they are or are not. He has since then taken a more open view to SD and her behavior and how behind she is for her age. He actively works on it everyday. I see changes all the time. She is nowhere near where she needs to be in life. She doesn't do what most 8 year olds are capible of or should be doing by any means. But it is not because she physically cannot. She chooses not to because she knows someone else will.
I started off my relationship with SD as her bestie because i thought that was what going to be the best for everyone. Including myself. She adores me and always wants me around. And at first it was cute, but it gets more and more draining especially will my SO cracking down on her behavior and lack of development. She tells him she hates him all the time and calls BM and complains nonstop and BM threatens my SO and constant calls PD with whatever accusation she feels like using at the time.
Our situation sucks at times and i know my age has a lot to do with it, but there isn't anything that could change how i feel about my SO. He can be defensive and he expect the wrong things from me at times, but he's very open to what i have to say. He doesn't always go with mt suggestions, but he always listens and tells me how he plans to approach things with SD. I don't involve myself in his parenting, but he does discuss things about SD and how to handle certain situations with her with me privately.
I do feel sometimes he expects me to fill that "mom" role for SD. I remind him that's not my job and he respects that. I know being a new single dad is hard on him and he feels lost and feels like he has failed his daughter. I don't ever want to overstep my boundaries with SD but i do want to be able to support my SO and help him get through this tough jump. There isn't any obstacle in this world that i would want to get through without him.
Sorry, my reply after I read
Sorry, my reply after I read it probably sounded more blunt than I intended it to be. That's great he's being open and working on things with SD and not expecting much of you anymore. It's clear you want to invest your life and future with your BF. I just hope he is supporting YOU by raising and parenting his daughter without any expectations from you. That's just unfair of him to ask you to be the mother role at any point his daughter is in his care. He wants the 50/50 he can be the parent in that time. It's not your responsibility.
Just some insight of what I do, I help and support my DH by keeping our house clean, remind him to speak to the children about anything to do with schooling, or chores, or behaviours. I support him by having fresh sheets on their beds, and thier clothes washed for their next week back. We have 50/50. He supports me by reminding them to thank me for those things and him and him only dealing with their issues and his toxic ex.
I also think you need to remember that BM is clearly threatened by you. It sounds like her opinion of you is being pushed onto SD and no doubt she would be keeping her mum happy saying things about you back to her. It's very similar to what my SD8 is doing to me now. So, I've stopped commenting and reacting to whatever she says and disengaged. Sometimes my SD looks like a hobo leaving our house and if DH doesn't care I've now learned not to either. I let a lot go these days.
My SD was 3 when I was first dating DH and she adored me too. I used to help SS and SD with homework, help SD with buying her clothes, help her do her hair, ect. Little did I know that when SD goes back to Toxic BM she is pretty much getting into trouble for allowing me to do those things with her. So I've stopped. She's being manipulated to not like anything I do, and been told by her mother she is independent and can do everything herself. DH sets her straight when she's back into our house, and I say nothing and go about my business. I have a DD1 who I now pour all my love and attention into. Is there something in your life you can distract yourself from SD? Hobbies? That may help you to disengage a bit better from her clingyness to you, and give your BF ample opportunity to step up with her. I hope it gets easier for you.
Nothing wrong with your
Nothing wrong with your response. I appreciate all the the advice and imput from everyone. Nobody has to comment or care about my ranting.
I find a lot of similarities in our situations and i will use what knowledge you have from the past and use it towards my future. That's why I am here. I know nothing. I don't if im messing everything up or if im doing whats appropiate. Everyone has their own right and wrong opinions. I want to hear them all. Even if they're a little harsh.
The situation with BM goes beyond what I ever imagined. I hear horror stories about how poorly my friends exes GF's treat their children. They always tell me it would be a BM dream to have a step mother that cared for and was kind to their kids. I don't think I have it in me to be rude to any child (even little brats like my SD) It might be wrong but I have this mindset that with proper parenting and guidance she can be a sweet kid. Any kid could be with that. Sadly my SO doesn't agree. SD has gotten to a point where he doesn't feel he can control her behavior. I watch and hear the man try and try. He has been reaching to me for "help" with the parenting stuff a lot lately. There is so much he talks about wanting to change but doesnt know where to start. I feel so hesitant talking about anything that has to do with parenting with him now. I almost feel afraid to be alone around SD. Not because of any other reason other than I don't want to cause probems. For myself, for my SO, for my SD, or for the BM. I just want peace. I am more and more afraid that will never be a possiblilty.
I am back in school so I have been tucked away studying and doing my work for a majority of the time she has been at our house. (for the last two weeks we have had her here) She has been pretty receptive to me needing to be alone to focus on my school stuff. However, instead of bugging my SO to play with her or give her any sort of attention, she has been just sitting in her room playing on her ipad. As normal as that probably is for most kids, it is way out of the norm for her. She HATES being alone. Being sent to her room alone is her most major punishment. And now she is going in there alome by her free will. That started the moment i told her I couldn't play. As soon as I am done and walk out of my room she is bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to play with me. My SO makes multiple attempts to get her to come out and play or do just about anything with him. (hes even offered to take her to the park or the water park) Nothing. She waits for me.
I'm not sure if you have
I'm not sure if you have mentioned it before.. but how long have you been together with your BF.. how long have you known his daughter? Because it's not super unusual for kids to kind of glom all over the new toy.. but over time.. the bloom fades of the rose.. and they back off on their own a bit.
It does sound that although he has babied his daughter in some ways.. he may not have been super interractive with her.. and you have been. It's also not uncommon for a girl to be "attracted" to another woman.. especially one she views as pretty, interesting etc.. And.. I know you probably didn't mean to do it.. but I'm guessing you did a super job of "interviewing for the role" of wife/mommy with his daughter when you met.. trying to show him you liked her.. trying to get her to like you.. trying to show him you are good relationship material... but you are finding that keeping up that act is EXHAUSTING.. because you just aren't that into being in that role with his child... and his child has proven to be "more" than you thought you were getting to an extent.
But.. part of her development also can be learning when "no means no" from an adult. You are "bestie".. but you also are an adult with responsibilities of your own. And.. to be honest.. she isn't your responsibility.. and while you might not mind the occasional makeup tutorial.. or shopping trip.. she needs to understand that adults need their own time..and she needs to learn how to occupy herself independently.
So.. it's fine to engage when you want.. and disengage when you need to. It's ok to tell her that it's not a good time for you to play. that you don't "feel like it".. or you are busy.. or whatever. If she throws a fit.. you can tell her she is old enough to know better and direct her towards her father.. who should be there.. not leaving you to deal with it.
Hats off to you
I couldn't even pretend to be bestie to the child you're writing about in your blogs ! Especially given she stole your bracelet.
It's her father's job to parent her, discipline her correctly and to entertain her. Whatever you offer is a bonus and you certainly shouldn't feel under any pressure to keep doing it.
I think many of us have heard 'you hate my child ' but that's translated as 'I hoped you'd be the perfect doting mummy figure so I don't have to daddy so much ' keep that in mind.
Equally this 'bestie' thing , probably some manipulation on the child's part. If she has you doing everything she wants all the time of course she's going to blow smoke up you. If you try saying no go be entertained by daddy a few times she'll probably start sucking up to him and trying to exclude you ! But that would get you off the hook
The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions
I was in your shoes almost ten years ago. I got involved in Killjoy's life when she was 5, and now she is 18. It started out like this, but it got worse, and now I hate her.
My DH is a good man, kind and loving, I've never had a better partner. HOWEVER. He's a terrible parent, he really is. He wants to be better, but he is literally incapable. He is too kind and sweet, and doesn't know how to set boundaries.
We separated over two years ago because I reached my limit. You will burn out on this, it's only a matter of time.