Toxic Ex Update
Well mommy dearest (as I call her) seems to be trying to play the victim stating to others that she and I are fighting and that "after 8 years I am finally putting my foot down". I am not fighting with her. There's no point when she has to always run the narrative. And, really, she twists and turns everything so that I end up looking like the evil step mom. So again, no point in arguing. Since the previous episode where she attacked me via text and email, I have blocked her. My husband has chosen to not respond to her calls or texts (unless it is an emergency concerning his daughter). That she is telling others that after 8 years she is finally putting her foot down is laughable. This woman has, since day 1, ensured that she has a say in how my husband and I should speak to his daughter, what laundry detergent to use, what foods she should and shouldn't eat (when there is no medical reason for it), what we should do with her when she is with us, etc... She's "finally" putting her foot down? Good grief.
Since the last episode, my relationship with my step daughter is quite strained (she is almost 16). She did apologize to me saying that she was just telling her mom how she felt about the situation at the time (basically not liking that I disagreed with how she handled a situation at school - she came to me with I might add). She furiously texted her mother to the point her mother lost her mind (easy to do with this woman) and went on the attack with me. Accusing me of saying and doing things that were completely untrue (I feel like she was putting her actions on to me). When my step daughter apologized she said she didn't think her mother would lose it like she did. But honestly, I beg to differ. Her mother is known for her short fuse and going off the deep end. My step daughter lied and twisted my words unfortunately. I did accept her apology, but I saw a different side to her that day that I had never seen. A very cold, vindictiveness. Any trust I had in her has been lost right now. She has attempted to talk to me about issues she continues to have with girls at school and how she has no friends. But now, instead of engaging in conversation with her, I just nod, or say that's too bad.
I did extend an olive branch to my step daughter by asking her if she wanted to join me at a fitness class she had previously shown interest in. She said she'd like to. But I honestly am not holding my breath. Should she back out, I won't say a word.
My husband has 4 kids - 3 mothers. Mommy dearest is mother to the two youngest (15 and 22) and out of all of them these two kids are down the wrong path, troubled (22 year old is an addict has anti social personality disorder - sociopath), they are rude not just to me but others. They have no desire to advance themselves - i.e. education, jobs, etc... My step daughter talks about getting a job but her mother won't let her work (??) and she has put her 22 year old on disability (he has a bad back). If you attempt to encourage them to get a job, or do better at school, anything positive, it is taken as being negative to them. It's truly unfortunate to see.
"instead of engaging in conversation with her, I just nod"
Yep. That's exactly what you need to contnue to do. It's called disengaging. It's particularly needed as your SD is in her horrific teen years and Mommy Dearest will be waiting in the wings to fan the flames of discord.
My suggestion for disengagement: Do not tell anyone, even your DH, you are disengaging. Do it slowly at first and eventually build steam to where you have very little, if not nothing, to do with SD.
Next time SD is due for a visit, find something else to do outside of the home. Go visit a friend, go sit in a library, say you have to go into office, or do volunteer work somewhere - anything. Just get out of the house. Let your DH handle his relationship with his daughter his own way.
If SD texts/calls you, don't answer unless you absolutely have to and then keep it to a bare minimum and delay responding as long as you can. Ideally, your standard answer should be, "I suggest you ask your dad about that." Hopefully, she is still in therapy so you could also say, "That might be a good conversation for you to have with Therapist."
Don't invite her to do anything with you anymore. She won't appreciate it and will probably use it against you at some point. Don't engage in conversations about her with your DH. If he brings up something, make a non-committal remark like, "Oh, that's too bad." or "That's nice." or "I'm sure she'll figure it out." and change the subject or leave the room to prevent further discussion about her.
It's hard when you've invested time in a relationship with a skid and find out that they truly don't see any value in you as a person. It's best to learn that harsh lesson as soon as possible and step away, than to continue to do things which might only bring you pain.
Agree! In my disengagement
Agree! In my disengagement with my SD I barely even respond anymore. She says something waiting for a reaction out of me (something to take back to her toxic BM) and it hangs in the air awkwardly. She even prompts me asking if I've heard her and I say 'yes I heard you'. It's so satisfying watching her hate the silence.
We are Twinning
Ive got Sd15/16 Backstabber/Munchkin and Sd23 Feral Forger and their mother Toxic Troll.
Sounds EXACTLY like what I am and have been dealing with the past 8 plus years. Id like to say it gets better or easier or things change. But they really dont. Shes apologising (playing on your sympathies) and yet twisting and turning things to her mother (I hate Sm shes so mean! Shes hateful! Can I have my reward now mother dearest? shopping?). Its a game they play that I like to call "Playing the Houses Against Each Other" to maximise the benefits they get from each House (Are you House Gryffindor or House Slytherin? Lannister? Martell? Stark?)
The big difference is that over here, SD B/M has a lot of friends. She is great at triangulating (courtesy of TT) and extends that to her buddies. Ive heard her stories about how her friends arent talking to each other or are arguing and she talks to each other them about their issues.
I have told her many times that triangulating is bad. When we were able to have open and honest communications (thats stopped right now due to current situations). She has her mother that brings her into dramas constantly. When shes upset by me, she will bring the mother into it, then there is a big chit storm where Im accused of "harrassment" or Im just "abusive" without any real solid identification of that abuse (I yell through closed doors).
It is a cycle. I have documented it all here on Steptalk. I will at times go back and read the blogs and the comments. Currently I am at the point of "oh you have a bday - heres a card. Now I have made plans, C U". Two years and 1 month until she can decide where to live full time as currently shes 50/50. I dont know where things will go from here. I just have determined to give my blessings and love (from a distance)
Why can bm contact you? Block
Why can bm contact you? Block her left, right, and centre ASAP! You don't have to put up with her crap.