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Different way of handling things than my MIL

mrs_belle's picture

Submitted by mrs_belle on Fri, 06/17/2022 - 4:41pm

My MIL is disappointed that the baby and I won't be going with DH to visit his son. We've only been once before and it was very difficult to manage the babies naps with the activities that his son wanted to do. He was also not understanding of the babies needs and wasn't really interested in her. I ended up staying with the baby in the hotel while the boys went out. I also think that DH and his son need the time together.

I told MIL this and she told me that the kids are siblings and "you" as the parents have to facilitate the relationship between them because if not, when all of us adults are gone there will be nothing to hold them together. It cannot be up to the child to pave a way for a relationship and I must engage as well. She thinks that BM would be more comfortable if she got to know me and our family dynamic. The only way that can happen is if I visit too. 

Apparently I should be the one calling his son and asking him if he wanted to get DH anything for father's day, his birthday or Christmas. 

I have always encouraged DH to go to court to formalise things with his son. DH has always been hesitant; until recently. When he told me how much it would cost, I told him I  would support him if he chooses to go forward because I think time with your child is priceless. Yet still DH hasn't done anything concrete yet.

My MIL has discouraged this though. She thinks adults should talk through things and family matters don't belong in court. MIL has bent over backwards sending gifts and visiting with DH over the years with no special favours from BM.

Honestly, if I didn’t find this site as early as I did I probably would be bending over backwards, clueless. But I don't know how to chart a different course without rocking the boat with my MIL whom I really like and have an otherwise great relationship with.

Comments

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Fri, 06/17/2022 - 5:18pm

I understand not wanting to disturb a good relationship but that is precisely what your MIL is doing. Tell her quite clearly that your family dynamics is between you and your husband. That's all she needs to know. How does your husband feel about his mother sticking her nose in? 

Though I am not a step, I had a situation with my MIL early on and made it clear via DH that things were going to change. There ensued roughly 6 months of radio silence, then a bit of awkwardness, and then we realized we had a lot in common, similar interests, and so on. She's been gone for several years now and I still miss her - she was a very good friend and the best MIL I could have asked for. I just had to define my boundaries. I suggest you do the same. 

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Fri, 06/17/2022 - 5:26pm

How old are all the kid's? The reason I ask is that I was much older than my siblings (8, 10, 17 years).  No matter what, an age diffetence like ours meant I never had a close relationship with any of them. Cordial, yes, no issues there but that age difference meant we had nothing in common.  Your MIL is dillusional not to mention intrusive.

  

strugglingSM's picture

Submitted by strugglingSM on Sun, 06/19/2022 - 11:42pm

We have similar MIL's. My MIL always has opinions on what other people should be doing, but doesn't realize that while she's entitled to her opinions, others are allowed to do what works for them without having to accommodate her. The difference with my MIL is she won't tell the person directly, she'll tell someone else, in the hope that that person will pass it along. It has ruined my relationship with my MIL because it's completely dysfunctional for an adult to try to control another adult. I make decisions that are right for me and my family...MiL doesn't have to agree with my decisions, but she needs to accept them. My bigger problem is DH doesn't know how to navigate this. Her behavior has been so normalized for him that he doesn't question that his mom would tell him what to do all the time. Hell, he even married BM because MIL told him if he didn't marry her, he'd end up miserable and alone like his bachelor uncle (instead he ended up miserable, married, and with two kids with someone he never really got along with). DH also barely notices when MIL bulldozes something we've decided upon as a family. For example, she always insists that she be part of all family events we have and always invites herself to join us or just "stops by". She also ends up meddling with BM and telling DH what to do. I honestly am at the point where I'm just going to avoid her outright. I won't keep DH from seeing her and I won't keep my DD from seeing her, but I feel drained and gaslit after every gathering with her and I just don't have space in my life for that anymore.