Del

Started laying boundaries and made it clear to my husband since he was happy, encouraging and reinforcing skids (2 whom were adults) disrespectful unacceptable treatment and abuse towards me and our 2 toddlers and it was blatantly clear that he had no intentions of ever changing the situation and maintaining a harmonious life for us, that i will not subject us to toxic behaviour/crap environment from them to us and divorce was the only option

it was only then he finally realised how much shit he was in and how much he let this get out of hand and how much work he had to do to make things better. It was hard work for him to move out of guilty disney dad phase desperate for temporary crumbs of attention from his kids.

his eldest daughter who was 23/24 at the time even guilted my husband for marrying me and having 2 kids with me as trying to replace sd's when they had chosen many yrs prior to cease all contact over lies they know their mum made about my husband. 
 

instead of taking responsibility for their behaviour, they'd rather blame me and my 2 toddlers- it was so pathetic. They just couldn't see hubby was happy to be around us and prioritised us more because they're adults and youngest sd was 13/14 at the time and shouldn't require as much affection or attention as our 2 toddlers require.

my husband knew pissing me off and alienating me to the point of wanting a divorce served no benefit to him because its not like skids actually would be there for him. They're relationship is so messed up and dysfunctional, skids don't behave like full siblings to one another. Sd's have a fake relationship with their brother and its so straining to see that.

i remember when i started putting my foot down because delusional guilty hubby was turning a blind eye, hubby asked why i started getting more angry hormonal and not take it like before.

i used the line rags here always repeats that we're a couple meant to be in an equity life partnership but you have no respect for me because you do not show it. Year 3 of marriage really pushed us into a difficult point and it wasn't a nice yr for us but we pulled through.
 

We're just past 7.5 yrs of marriage and there will be venting to one another but i've made it clear to my husband his daughters/mini wives are not people i want to be around and want our 2 young kids now 5 & 6.5 around just for a fake relationship.

you don't get to fake you care and love our kids after stating you despise us and your dad shouldn't have married or had kids with me when we've been the only 3 actually having a proper family relationship with him and making him happy.

its easier for your husband to throw his anger at you because you've complied for too long. You've essentially shut your mouth and let it go for too long to the point you resent and despise the skids treatment of their dad and can't understand how he can't stand up for himself 

just remember people like your husband have been abused and manipulated too long by their kids and ex's and its hard for them to work through those issues and stand up for themselves. They figure why bother creating drama by addressing this with ss etc because if i keep quiet it keeps the peace and i get it bothers you. 
 

its hard for them to work through those issues and my husband is still working through them now despite divorcing his exwife 13yrs ago and separating from her a yr earlier. 
 

even now sd's don't wish happy fathers day or birthday to their dad. It was my ss's 25th birthday this weekend. I had a dental appt and i reminded hubby (he had forgotten) sounds horrible i know but there have been so many toxic issues with skids hubby has had to deal with but our 2 kids he remembers their birthdays. Well I bought a birthday cake for ss as he has been trying to engage with our kids and especially with our 5 yr old son letting him play his xbox and talking with him and our 6 yr old daughter

ss has refused to meet his mum even when she faked reinitiating contact with him after abandoning him over a decade ago. She has never cared to say a happy birthday and i feel bad that this is the crap he has to deal with. Our kids wanted and were very excited to celebrate his birthday so we bought pizza and the kids sand happy birthday for their brother.

there are some signs now ss realises what we have wanted all along is just to be an inclusive family but sd's and exwife and the antithesis of that. So if ss doesn't want to feel alone and abandoned he needs to make an effort with us. 
 

end of the day stay firm hun, you need to discuss these issues and make it clear to your hubby this treatment by his kids and him makes you feel and you will not tolerate this toxic behaviour anymore and will not cowtow or cater to them.

if i'm not mistaken, your family usually has a yearly getaway at you beach house/lake house that skids and their kids/spouses freeload off and do not contribute by way of chores and if you eat out, they bleed you dry and contribute no funds. 
 

you should have shut it down that yearly trip years ago. I made it clear to hubby there would be no more family parties and bbq in our home becasue a few members ruined it for everyone else who was pleasant and since hubby hasn't got the balls to single those members out, there will be no family coming over.

Seems it is time for disengagement! Step back. Do not cancel your plans for them. Would they do the same for you? Stop looking at their social media. Unfollow. Live your life with your bio. Protect your kid from this nonsense. Your life will be so much better. DH needs to manage his own relationships.  Make other plans when they are there for their lake house vacation, or uninvite. Do something you want to do. Stop waiting on them. Just stop! HUGS

Well stated! Agree with CorpseReviver,

No matter what sacrifices you make (not going to class reunion), you are only hurting yourself. They don't care. They might even revel in it. 

1. You backslid on the disengagement - you should NEVER have foregone you reunion!!!! Recall last year you did nothing and it was on DH and you had a fabulous time. And DH was thinking it was a loooong week.

2. You do not need to walk on eggshells. Call it out. YOU do not need to leave. He can do the leaving.

3. Me - Im at the point where I would take the darn DH/SS/SGK pictures myself and post them on both your timelines and SS timelines. Im like that sometimes. Kinda in your face when Ive been pushed too hard.

"So, I had to miss my reunion and quickly run to the grocery store to get things for dinner and get ready to host a day early."

You claim you messed up??? This is the ONLY place where you messed up. The rest of the mess is on your husband. You didn't HAVE TO do this. You keep trying to be a good wife and a good stepmother and get sh*t all over - over and over again.

STOP catering to those ingrates. Make your husband be their servant - not you. ((Hugs))

"So, I had to miss my reunion and quickly run to the grocery store to get things for dinner and get ready to host a day early. "

"Our poor DS14 was terrified and came downstairs when he heard the ruckus,"

Eight years. You've been a member here for over EIGHT YEARS SMto2, and nothing has improved - because you keep avoiding dealing with your own issues. You keep participating in the dysfunction. You keep exposing your own sons to it, and ignoring the effect it has on them. You cater to the crazy ninety-five percent of the time, allowing your DH to get deeper and deeper into his guilt and fear, then give him whiplash once in a while when your resentment boils over. Nothing changes, because you haven't done the work to change yourself or been consistent about anything other than enabling.

You're like an addict, addicted to pleasing your DH no matter what the collateral damage might be, while he's addicted to chasing his a$$hole older sons. Neither of you know how to stop. And just as with addiction, if you want change, you're going to have to commit to it, seek support, and surrender to the process. You'll have to learn about yourself, why you do what you do, why your judgement in this area is so distorted, and get tools so you can do better. 

Everybody has problems, even intelligent, educated, successful people like you and your DH. You're one of my favorite posters on ST, because you have such a good heart. I hope you'll take the advice here to find a therapist who can help you unravel your problem with people pleasing, and teach you how to love your DH without enabling him. You could be the catalyst for healthy change for him as well, but nothing changes until YOU change.

My parents divorced when I was an adult. My mom and dad sold their house and moved into different houses just a few miles from each other. My dad remarried within a year. My mom is bipolar and has manic episodes. Anytime we go visit her, and then go to my dads, it is a major ordeal. She is very jealous of my dad and wife. I get it - he was a jerk when they were married, and now he is living a happy life. I have done things to appease my mom because I feel badly for her and I don't want to be on the receiving end of her intense anger. I would never post photos of us at my dads because of this; however, my brother does. My mom would check his social media and see the photos of him at my dads and lose it. My dad could care less about social media and does not look at the photos. I say all this because there may be some issues with BM that contribute to what's going on that you know nothing about. One time, my dad's wife told me I should not accommodate my mother so much; that I was enabling her. I resented her saying anything to me about my mom. It is none of her business, and she has no idea what it's like to have a bipolar mother. 

I have a post-it note on my computer that says "focus on your own life, your marriage, and  your own kids." Maybe give that a try. 

It is sooo much easier to tell someone to disengage than for people to do it. I  get where her heart is - If you love someone you try to love his family. And you are  expected to do things with and for them. We are always in a lose/lose scenerio - If we blow off the skids and other family members our DH's get hurt and quilt us. If we hang out with thme but don't like htem then we are unhappy. 

I'm going to be honest.... I feel like I have reread this story from you over and over and over again and here you are, yet again, cancelling your plans to attend your high school reunion to cater to DH and SKs at that g.d. lakehouse? And to what end? The end/extreme that DH went through the other night with his tantrum? A further end? Seriously. 

I don't understand anymore why you continue to put yourself in this situation. Be angry with yourself and use that anger to fuel you to better yourself where this won't happen again. You have to know what to expect after all this time so why did you put yourself in that situation? It's time for reflection. I'd put distance between myself and DH and his clan and take the time to simply be in peace and refect. You deserve quiet time for you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I recall your posts about you SSs taking and it being transactional. It sucks. With the feedback of steptakers here, I dropped the rope. And it has made all the difference for the better. I transitioned to telling my DH - you can have whatever relationship you want with you SD20, but I don't want to be involved.  Do what you want, don't include me, don't plan things around me, don't expect my $$, all of that.  And he understood that. Our relationship is better, I am less stressed about things. It has made a big impact in my life. I hope it can for you too. 

I'm not sure how this will go over, please reread it before reacting because I think it may come out harsher than I meant it to. 

Once upon a time someone, I really do not remember who, told me I was setting myself up to fail then crying over it as if I couldn't control it better. They told me to be very careful that I wasn't making my cross to climb up on and self marytr myself on. I am 100% sure I saw red. But funnily (is funnily a word?) enough, it is one of the two pieces of advice I got in my lifetime, that I never forgot. 

I was pre-martyring myself by by subjecting myself to info I did not need then I was a victim of my own making because once in my head it was selfimposed torture. 

Please, if you take no other advice, take this advice: delete their FB or mute or silence them and STOP looking. It will not change. They will not change. You will put yourself into the hurt zone by looking. You are torturing yourself. Don't do that. YOU and only you control the looking/stalking of the FB to compare. You need to stop it already. Looking will never change a damn thing other than hurt your husband and through him, you. 

Don't build that cross and climb up on it. It's not worth it, no good will ever come of it and you're really only hurting yourselves. 

I follow your posts/ blogs because they really resonate with me, the social media posts, the taking for granted. The allowing dad to host them for "special events" including dads birthday and Father's Day. I haven't been with my DH as long as you with yours but could easily see him being very similar to your at an earlier time. That said, I really feel for you. As stated above yes, consider removing them from your social media, (I did mine) this has spared me seeing the pictures and mother of the year posts. Consider setting boundaries around YOU changing your plans because of any inconvenience to skids. I saw this tendency in my DH when we began dating, I let it fly the first few months, as it was early days and I needed to see if it was a "thing" oh dear yes it was. 7 years later we still get an occasional push back of that but I will not budge if it is in any way inconvenient for us. I no longer rearrange my time for them and if DH wants to wait for their interaction that's on him. I hope you can work through this and take this opportunity to set those boundaries even if it means taking your DS and disappearing for skid time.