You should not be calling her on her mother's time. That would be considered interfering with her mother's visitation. FTR, it's also not unusual for a parent to not want to hear about what happens at her ex's, much less anything to do with his gf. 

Frankly, if you cannot handle being away from these children for 3 days per week then you are way over invested in them. These are not your children and you have no rights to them - time to back off a bit. 

BTW, was she right that your bf left her for you? 

You have a good relationship with the kids and their mom is volatile.  I'd let it go and be thankful for the way the situation is when they are with you.

My SKs are in their 50's and 60's.  I occasionally text OSS and YSS if I have family news or an update about DH84.  I choose not to text with SD60. I can always call her if it's an emergency.

My skids have my number or message me. Sd's were both no contact with my husband for 5.5 yrs. my skids are now sd26.5, ss24 and sd16.5. Exwife is hcgubm and hubby has not seen or communicated with her since divorce 13 yrs ago

Even before I was completely disengaged from DHs kids, I did NOT text them. Like you, I dealt with a HCBM (High Conflict Bio Mom) and 3 adult children as her soldiers in her war. Add in that DH worked a 3 week rotation overseas, I had zero contact with his kids on those 3 work weeks. 

I'd advise to be happy with the good relationship you have with the kids, IN SPITE of the BM's Parental Alienation. That in itself is an oddity so treasure it. As for when they are with their mom, definitely do not text or call. If they reach out, that's different. But I would NOT advise to reach out to them on BMs time as it will just open yourself up to more of her BS. You also may want to seek counseling to help you process those emotions of NOT being as close to them as you'd like when they are with the BM.

Best to you. You have a good heart....you just need to learn to protect it in this crazy StepHell we live in.

So my situation is really different, but yes I do text/call my SS when he is with BM. The difference is that SS lives with us primarily and sees BM on the weekends except during the Summer when its a 50:50 split. I was a stay at home parent to both SS and then to my own BS7 up until they were both in school so I fell into the primary parent role. My SS is now 11. We got him a phone when he was 7 after he told us BM will not let him call/message us from his ipad at her house. SS had to ask her if he could bring the phone to her house first and now it is the one and only thing allowed to transfer households with him. DH is in control of a lot of the parenting features such as Screentime on SS's iphone, and he has it where SS cannot deleted/mute/block us or change his settings on his phone. Of course she tried at first, but we had a parenting app on there that notified us when she was changing settings, so DH screenshot it and uploaded it to OFW. A true HCNBM does not like to be caught and called out with evidence. It has slowed down her efforts in that department although we know she goes through and deletes messages and photos from her house before he leaves to come back home as well. 

To go back to your questions, yes SS regularly calls me and texts me while he is at his moms. I also call and check in on him during the Summer since he is gone for a longer amount of time. I purposely plan these calls when I know BM is not home from work yet so it does not interupt her time with him. There are days he sends me tiktoks (not his own but some he's found) that he thinks are funny all throughout my work day and other times I go days from hearing from him (she has confiscated his phone for whatever reason). My DH also messages him and gets messages him from. Usually it's about asking him to play some kind of game together. On the flip side, by us calling him, texting him, answering SS's calls and texts during her week, we have accepted that BM and Fiance #3 will also do the same when it is his week with us. That is how it should be and the only issue that has ever brought out is that when he is at BM's he is self-supervised mostly. She leaves him to entertain himself so like any kid with a phone, he texts who he can--us, his friends, his cousins, etc. When is with us we are always going and doing something. We like to have the boys outside moving, swimming, hiking, playing so her messages will go unread, which she thinks is on purpose. So then she likes to get "revenge" by taking his phone when he his back with her so we can't talk to him. It's a cycle, and if she wasn't a HCNBM should get see from stalking my profiles online that we are always out and doing stuff that he can't keep his phone in his hand for, but we just let her stress herself out and set herself up to look back. SS knows he wasn't ignoring her on purpose, SS knows he was doing something and geniuinely didn't get back to her on his own accord. He sees how ugly and angry she is when it happens and while it's aimed at us, he knows it was not us at all. She punishes him for her perception of what happened and he remembers it.

You are self sacrificing on the alter to SParental martyrdom IMHO.

You have a good relationship on Dad's COd time. Stick to that.  

Quit punishing yourself on something that has apparently never  been said by your SKid.  You are not a bad SM and the SKid likes you. 

Get out of your own head on this.

My SKid and I text, FaceTime, and FB IM though he is almost non participatory on FB itself or any other social media for that matter. STalk and some moderal FB time are my only social media presence.

Good luck.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your stepkids despite their HCBM (high conflict bio-mom).  And it does sound like the HCBM is working on PAS'ing the kids.  (My SD and I at that age also had a good relationship and then a few yrs later she was fully PAS'ed by her mom and has had no contact with my DH in almost 3 yrs - very sad).  So, beware, when they age, the situation can change too.  And texting them when they are with their mom may give her more fuel to the high conflict fire.  

To directly answer your question - No, I do not text them when they are with their mom.  On the rare occassion they would text me (for help with DH bday gift or something), I would text back.  Sounds like your SD already is feeling that loyalty bind pull at her moms and not responding to you.  There is no need to continue to push that and put her in a tough spot.  If you can't handle the social media aspect of it - don't follow them.  What they do with their mom is really non of your business as long as they are safe and cared for.  I know it sounds harsh, but such is steplife.

very seldomly do I text my stepchild... last time she was here, me and her father went to breakfast while everyone was still sleeping, since I was texting my own children to let them know where we went (so that if they woke up they would know we were gone) I went ahead and text SD... before that I think I sent a "thanks" when she text me "happy mothers day" I delete my texts every month or 2 to free up space on my phone, so I don't have anything in my recent messages from her other than the "if you are wondering where we are, me and DH went to breakfast" soooo.... yea... I mean I DO text her, but very seldom

I text my SKs, but really didn't do that until they were older teens and/or had started living with us. The BM in my situation sounds somewhat similar to yours, and while my SKs ignored her vitriol about me (and their dad), I didn't want to make matters worse for them. That was especially true after BM and I had a "falling out" where I no longer wanted to interact with her (early stepparenting fail where I tried to get along with her "for the kids").

You have to figure out for yourself how to not take it personal. Kids end up in loyalty binds that are hard to break. While talking to you doesn't actually mean they're betraying their mom, it can feel like that to them. Or they know it will upset their mom and cause trouble, so they just don't participate. It's not a personal you issue (since you have a good relationship with them otherwise). This is just an issue of you being a stepparent, and any person in your same position would have to deal with the same treatment.

I'm not saying it doesn't suck or isn't hurtful. It's just the reality of stepparenting.

I sense that you feel insecure about your relationship with your stepkids despite it being a good relationship when they are with you. That's something you might want to look into with a counselor.

Consider the cost they will experience if they communicate with you. They are with an unstable person while apart from you and their dad. For all you know, she monitors their phones like a hawk and makes their lives miserable if they show ANY affection for you or their father.

Do you want them to be interrogated mercilessly or punished by their unhinged mother just to reassure your insecurities about how they feel about you?

You have enough proof they care a great deal for you because they are happy when they are with you. Don't make things worse on them in addition to having to spend time with their difficult mother.

I do.. .because they are adults now.  we have our own relationship as adults that doesn't hinge on their parents.

When they were younger?  not so much... mostly because teens don't really love communicating with "old people".. lol.

In your case?  let it go.  enjoy the fact that you have positive time with them.. as she gets older? she may/may not be interested in a more personal relationship with you.. but you can't and shouldn't force contact.

And.. yeah.. you could cause her problems with her mom if her mom is that bitter (and my DH's EX was generally a bitter and jealous person of any thought that her kids even liked their own dad.. you could get her in trouble and she could have to hear a lot of "well.. fine.. if you love them more than me" crap.

leave it lie is my best advice.

I had the same problem with my SD's and their biomom. I just sent the minimum texts such as "sorry your pet died" or "happy birthday" but i never got a response. I realized it was them feeling like they had to choose between me and their biomom, so I stopped asking if they got my text and just let it be. I texted those things because I felt it was the human/kind thing to do, to let them know I cared for them. I just had to stop expecting any kind of return on my emotion, because they couldn't handle it. I would like to say it gets better, but sometimes the biomom and her family are just too much, and they ruin the kids. No matter how kind and loving you are, the biomom will always win. When they are 18 they can do what they want, but until then she owns them.

Nope. I step back and let DH take the reigns on that. SS just got kids messenger at Toxic HCBM's and already knew she probably won't let him add me. I shrugged and said don't worry about it and just add your Dad. You can talk to both of us through him. He seemed more relaxed after I said that. To be honest the skids are becoming hard work and I just don't want to be that involved with them on our week off. I love the peace with them not home, but still care for them when they are here.

I text my skids, always have. My SD only ever texts DH or me when she wants something but my SS15 texts me all the time when he's at BM's, usually to complain about how BM is treating him or to ask me for advice on something else. I am so grateful he's such an awesome kid as it offsets his sister who is just a complete pain in the arse.