SD13 hesitant to take gifts
Any guesses about this?
My boyfriend's daughter is a sweet teen (13) and him and her mother have an extremely volatile relationship as she blames him for her entire dysfunctional life and leaving her due to it destroying his. Her mother sprays vitriol about me to her, and we do not speak. but this has never stopped her from being friendly and cordial, albeit a bit stand-offish, to me. I try to put myself in her shoes and it's hard to imagine your parents being such enemies.
I make every effort when she is here to treat her with full respect, thoughtfully stock all her favorite snacks and always keep up to date on her 8th grade life. I know she likes art supplies, so I was showing her some cool new glitter markers I just got off Amazon, and ordered 2 accidentally. She loved the markers and kept wanting to use them. I told her she could have the Xtra pack and she said "early Christmas present!"
Right before her dad took her to leave, I asked her if she wanted to take the markers with her. You could tell she felt bad, but she said no, I'm gonna keep them here up in my room. She said it gingerly as not to hurt my feelings.
I feel that her mom refuses to allow any parts of her life at her dad's to enter their home, but I can't help but feel hurt and wish I could have given her something so awesome that she could have used until we see her again, not for 4 days. Her mother is mentally ill and will hound her about anything involving me.
She has been putting up this wall for a while, and it just hurts. My boyfriend said there's really nothing we can do about it as long as we are close when she's here. I guess I should stop overreaching and trying to put myself in her "other life".
I can't wait until she's old and has her own place!! Maybe then the gifts we get her she will actually be allowed to have!!! It seems she does this every Christmas too...even if she likes something she'll leave it here.
Smart girl
No need to bring gifts over to BM's if it is going to make BM crazy. Kids do this as a survival mechanism when a parent is toxic. I think it is sweet that she is keeping them in her room at your house. It sounds like she considers her room a refuge.
Thank you! That makes me feel
Thank you! That makes me feel better. Of course, I'm not there to see the extent of the her craziness, but for example she kept her FB cover photo one of my fiance and the kids for 6 YEARS after their breakup, argued in court that the marriage was not irretrievably broken when he told her in no uncertain terms many times that it was, and have tried to get the kids multiple times over the years to ask for him to come back.
You do need to fully accept
You do need to fully accept and embrace the fact that her mother wants no piece of you in her home. (and think how you might feel if she was pushing things to your home) It is patently unfair to put the girl in a position where she gets the brunt of her mom's anger... or from your end.. "guilt".. that she isn't showing enough appreciatiation.
My SD's mom would get very upset when the girls went home with new things.. especially since she was fairly certain that it was ME.. not their dad that was getting the girls new things. It was jealousy that they liked me.. jealousy that I could afford things she couldn't.. anger over the lack of control. angry that I was "trying to take HER rightful place in their lives.
but.. even though it was ME she was mad about.. she got mad at her girls.. for that show of disloyalty in accepting or liking things that I got them..
So.. I backed off.. and was a lot more low key about what they got.. and yes.. had most things kept at our house.. so the girls didn't have to deal with mom being an ahole over them.
Your SD is trying to protect herself. trying to protect her mom's feelings.. doesn't want her mom to think she likes you.. because that is disloyalty to her mom.. she is old enough to understand that.. and you need to understand that you exhibiting hurt when she doesn't take things home.. is hard on her too.. and honestly.. it is not fair to her.
You want a piece of you to go to her mom's home.. so she will remain connected to you.. but I don't think you see how distasteful that would be to her mom.. and the reaction the girl gets when it happens.. you are not there to experience it..
Be very grateful for the good relationship you have.. don't put any pressure on her in situations where she has to choose.. or show her mom how much she likes you.. or things you got her.. let her have her relationship with her mom.. and with you guys when she is there.
Eventually.. yesss.. she will have her own life as an adult and you can have relationships on your own terms.. but she will likely still have that loyalty to her mom.. and may still be somewhat reluctant to display your picture on the livingroom wall....that doesn't mean she doesn't like you.. just that she can't broadcast that.
I'm actually a bit proud of
I'm actually a bit proud of her. She knows her Mom would not take it kindly and would probably toss them or destroy them. she wants the things you gave her to remain hers but is trying not to hurt your feelings by saying it. I think you should be glad, not hurt. She realizes the situation and is not just protecting her items but also you.
Continue to buy these little things and make sure she knows she has a safe place for them.
Here's A Different View
Be glad she wants to keep her gifts from you at your home, regardless of why. When DH and I were first married, we bought the two youngest kids (still under 18) nice gifts. I'd have preferred they stayed at our home but DH wanted the kids to do whatever they wanted. Our counselor said, "once you give a gift, you relinquish ownership of said gift." So the kids took their stuff to BM's house. And that would be the last time we'd see them. Jewelry, electronics, toys, even cash. You name it. Either the three older ADULT siblings would take their gifts or BM would give/sell them. And she'd take the kids' cash to buy groceries. SMH
I think your SD likes you, has great insite (although I'm sad she has to grow up that fast because of a crazy BM) and wants to keep peace in her life (and probably yours). I'd buy her sketch pads and other accessories for those markers for her return visit.
My SDs would do this too,
My SDs would do this too, take most everything they realllllllly liked to BMs. Because BMs was the best place and they wanted their favorite stuff there. It was kind of a sick in the eye for DH and I because we rarely got to see the favorite things used.
Part of that also was BM was a terrible gift giver and is to this day notoriously cheap so the SDs might have had no chance of having some of that stuff at BMs in the first place. But we wouldn't buy two of them. The first reason was really the main thing, BM is always #1.
Now YSD16 just doesn't want anything. things she does get are stuck in her closet or shoved in drawers. She refuses to give the old stuff to donation either so she has bags crammed into her closet as well. I just don't get her anything any longer.
The loyalty bind is a terrible thing.
Be glad your SD wants to enjoy your gifts! Don't worry about her not taking them. The others are correct, she's protecting her things and herself.
If BM that crazy
She is never going to allow that, any stuff from BF, stuff into her house. Going in the garbage ASAP. SD dines want her stuff thrown away so she want to keep them at your home
SS learned not to take anything to SpermLand that he wanted to
come home with him after SpermClan visitation. Our stance was that it was SS's stuff and he should be able to use it.
Interestingly, when we purged gaming systems from our home because SS had a game addicted personality issue, they would buy him the latest and greatest portable gaming devices and coach him to sneak them into our home and hide them. Nope. We searched his bags and locked it all up until he returned to SpermLand on the next visitation. After 7th Grade, we had no gaming systems in our home.
Meanwhile 17 years later and back at the ranch...... SS-30 fairly regularly recognizes and comments how appreciative he is that we did not let him rot his brain on gaming systems and instead forced him to live in the real world, using his own immagination rather than buying and using someone elses. He has written a book, not yet published, and is increasingly thriving as an adult and a professional. The three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas have pretty much gone down the path that their game addicted father has gone down. Little grasp of reality. #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind #3. Their DipShitiot lives a strange etherial existance where he games whenever he can, and wears midevil Samurai costumes for much of the time he is not at work.
Keeping the belongings and the lives they live at two different blended family households separate is not necessarily a bad thing. It can help minimize drama and help control the bleedover of toxic crap from the blended family opposition side of the equation.
IMHO.
Self preservation from her batshit crazy BM.
Poor kid.
Not your fault. You and dad be there for her and the three of you be close when she is home.
My SS learned to not take things to SpermLand when he was on SpermClan visitation. The nice things that we provided rarely returned home when he did. Mostly clothing. He would come home in fleamarket or WalMart clothing and his high quality things we provided would end up on his three younger also out of wedock Spermidiot spawned half sibs in family and school photos. So, we started billing them for the stuff they took.
That drove SpermGrandHag nuts. She stood on the position that it was the CS that they paid that
bought his nice things and it wasn't fair that his younger sibs couldnt have those things because they could not afford them
due to the CS. Over hte years SpermGrandHag would spout shit about how the $110/mo they paid in CS bought our nice homes, nice cars, vacations, and the name brand quality clothing that SS wore.
The look on SS's face when we sat him down and went through the finances of our household compared to the $110/mo in CS that was causing his three younger half sibs to starve to death and go naked and be deprived. That was one of the first instances where he started to understand how full of shit, maniplatie, and toxic the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool is. It was heartbreakeing. Though it was the only way his mom and I could give him the ability to protect himself from the lies and manipulation when he was on SpermLand visitation.
He learned the facts as they manipulated and lied. We provided them in an age appropriate measured manner. The facts allowed him to protect himself as he progressed through his teens and after aging out from under the CO. Facts are neither good not bad, they are just facts.
You and DH may want to consider providing SD with the facts so she can have a clear picture of what she is dealing when at BM's and can start to protect herself as she grows up and once she is an adult.. Toxic, lying, manipulative people do not stop their toxictiy, lies, or manpulations once the kids reach adulthood. The spawn of these types must choose. Stay engaged with the toxic, or protect themselves.
The quality parent in the mix can make the difference in how these kids choose. When the facts are provided to these kids.
IMHO of course.