Self Esteem, worth and Mini Wife issues
I am going to type this into the anon part. I need a place to vent. Please be gentle as I am going through a whirlwinds of emotions and feelings. I am very fragile right now crying my eyes out as I type this... Its very long and can be triggering
I am going through a lot, I am 21 weeks pregnant and I dont feel sexy at all nor my SO makes me feel good about myself since I got pregnant. We have been together for over 2 years and I lost all my self confidence, self worth and just overall sexiness. I feel awful and ugly about myself, I feel lost and have to compete with SD8 just to get any sort of affection, touch, hugs, kisses, anything from my SO. SD8 always have to be in between us, text book Mini wife Syndrome, always have to be involved with everything including adult decisions which Adults should make. He allows her opinions into ours and stuff, I hate it. He favors over her over myself or my 1 year old (we got together when I was pregnant with her). Like for instance, yesterday we went to the bank, he rather take her into the bank with him than to take both kids or we go in as a family, little things like that stings the hell out of me and makes me upset and sad. I feel very left out of some things and left behind. I am starting to resent my SD8 with mini wife syndrome, She dictates everything we do, she bosses us around, makes the calls on a lot of our stuff, shes clingy to SO like I cant walk beside him without her being in between and she shoves herself there, she also has attitude and disrespect which I nipped in the bud for that. I told her enough attitude and her dad has supported me and threatened to take her back to moms because he is so tired of that BS! I find our relationship is strained, s*xually i am so frustrated too. We havent had any in like months almost half a year and I find its a good destresser and brings us closer which we have been lacking, he refuses to cuddle after he just walks out after the deed. I miss that intimate touch and kisses, we just do a quick kiss thats all. I feel like my needs and wants arent being met. I dont know what else to do. I am at a loss, a loss of roller coaster of emotions, I fear I am going to cheat or stray away from what family I have because he isnt meeting my issues and addressing and fixing the problems. almost like talking to a wall. I am always sad as of the past couple of weeks. I just sent a text saying I am having self love, self confidence, self esteem issues, I feel like a fat effing cow looking in the mirror, being plus sized and maternity makes things very difficult to find flattering outfits without looking like an oompa loompa. My SD8 just makes me feel worse too. I mean I buy her food she refuses to finish it. So I told SO thats his responsibility her wasting money by not eating her lunch, supper that I pay for too. Just little things are making me angry, sad, weepy, crying, stressed, frustrated, exhausted, and just so many more emotions. He rather take SD8 to the stores with him leaving myself and BD1 in the truck. I feel so angry and abandoned, I am sorry but I am really starting to resent my 8 year old step daughter and hate her. She gets EVERYTHING spoiled brat!
I am not sure how I am going to cope anymore with this bullsh!t I am going through of not being loved physically or feel sexy and hot and also dealing with stupid shit like competing with a 8 year old is so ridiculous and petty but I cant keep allowing this to continue. I decided to NACHO the hell out of her. I am worried about coming forward to tell him as he has some issues handling emotions and anger. I need touch and cuddles and not getting any. I have this fear of cheating and straying away from my relationship to get love, acceptance, feeling good about myself, my needs be taken care of. I am just so lost, scared, guilty and confused. I need some help from some ladies in here who have been in my shoes.
I wish that SD8 would stop the mini wife, respect us, stay out of adult conversations, to let her father and I have some time sitting together and spend time sitting side by side sometimes, stop being rude and bossy, and to respect my homes rules, and also stop wasting food I buy her. Also for my SO again to love my body, to give me attention too, to touch and cuddle, to have intimacy, to cuddle more often and hold my hands, to kiss me more, have some fun memorable times together. Just little things.
I dont want to walk away but it almost as seems I have no choice anymore 
I am so unhappy with this relationship
HELP!
First of all, be kind to
First of all, be kind to yourself. You have had a whirlwind of change in the last couple of years. A new baby born, a new relationship, a new stepchild, a new baby on the way. Pregnancy and the hormones that come along with it may be making things extra emotional for you.. and honestly.. it sounds like all of you have a lot to deal with now.
But.. he has anger issues.. and trouble controlling his emotions? He gives you little to no affection. Do you think he is possibly feeling trapped by you having a child now? you already have one child that is not his (obv he will prefer his child over one that isn't his right?). Are you getting support from the father of your baby? do you think he is overwhelmed by the prospects of supporting another child.. and possibly you too if you are not working and your other child?
I don't know.. it doesn't sound like there are much of any positives here with this guy... what led you to the place where you are now? Certainly you are worthy of love and affection.. why would you stay with someone who won't provide that?
If you have access to some therapy.. I would suggest you try to work through some of your own internal insecurities.. and if you truly feel the relationship is worth saving.. seek out marriage counseling as well.
But, here's the hard reality. You have hardly had much time with your SO when you HAVEN"T been pregnant.. haven't just given birth.. those can be difficult times at their best.. and while he has a needy child, I can't imagine that your 1 yo has also not been a pull of attention from you as well. So, you both may have kind of gotten into a "divide and conquer habit".. he cares for his child.. he lets you care for the baby (not his I am assuming).
I also can kind of see the logic of leaving you in the car with the baby.. he likely thinks that's easier than taking a baby in a store.. and he takes SD so you don't have to deal with both. Maybe even some of it stemmed from Covid.. not wanting everyone to have to go in? but if you WANT to go in.. then you do need to speak up and tell him.. you do.. just sitting there and resenting it isn't helpful.
But.. you do have a SO problem.. really and truly. reading between the lines.. he
just a few more comments (I
just a few more comments (I went and looked at your old post).
1. Your SO is not being a good father by threatening to send her back to mom.. he is her parent too.. if she misbehaves.. he DEALS with it.. not threatening her with abandonment.. he is not acting like a good or effective father.. please understand that is going to impact your joint child as well.. if he won't step up you may need to protect your children..
2. Is he still allowing his child to use his phone? if so.. take his phone and delete every "ill advised" picture and message you have sent.. not only from the device but from any stored cloud location... sorry but in this day and time.. this kind of thing can have legs well beyond your current relationship.. just don't do it. it's not smart and those pics won't get in the wrong hands right?
You pretty much nailed it
You pretty much nailed it because thats how I feel, I feel like hes not being tentative but also he has been through a lot. I put my needs and my wants aside to respect his issues and stress behind it and let him heal because I care, I did most of the grunt work when his mom died and did all the life insurance claims and emails and correspondence.... Like a good woman should. I personally felt like he was over the roller coaster of emotions but its so hard to tell if he is or not because of his way of handling and disclosing how he feels. It truly makes me confused, I feel also he needs to set boundaries with SD8 and have her respect our wishes and listen. I know he probably didnt want to put up with my BD1. But however she follows him around everywher we go like I cant do anything without her being there. I do get shes his little girl but there has got to be boundaries made I feel hes not interested. I need the love and affection and attention when kids are in bed. I just wish he would talk and communicate.
I am also looking for counseling for him and myself and make us stronger. But seems like it makes him feel weak not strong. I just wish he open his eyes and see the bigger picture!
Are you me several years ago?
Are you me several years ago? Veteran SM of an off the charts mini wife on steroids. It doesn't get better. My mini wife is 33 and still needs constant contact with daddeeee. She reproduced for no other reason than to divert DH's attention from SS' upcoming wedding. Now that mini wife jr is here the cycle continues.
When I had my DD 22 years ago I felt gross and ugly and my DH did nothing but fawn all over the brat. I used to bawl my eyes out and work like a trojan to get my body in tip top shape and it still didn't work. I always kept in shape and even had a six pack in my 50s and one day I fell to the floor sobbing because I realized that I cannot get the physical affection or words of affirmation from DH. Many talks over the years resulted in him claiming he's just not a tactile person yet SD would post several selfies a day on social media including body shots and DH would turn all of his focus to her. I'm in therapy from the damage from coming a distant last place to a mini wife and my and DH's DD together is in therapy because I was stupid and didn't leave. I caused my DD to grow up witnessing that a relationship means being held at arms length by the man and being a last place to another female. I'm repeating a pattern that started in childhood and it's been hell trying to analyze and heal everything.
You are not too sensitive from childbirth, you are not insecure and you are not making mountains out of molehills. You are the victim in a mini wife marriage. Your SO reacts angrily so that you can't even talk to him to try to fix things. I suggest going to therapy for yourself. You don't have to tell your SO anything about what goes on in sessions. I think a good start for you would be to delve into the pattern of being put lower than another female and to start feeling better.
I feel your pain. I just told my therapist last week that the most traumatizing event for me has been suffering in my mini wife marriage and it's been even more painful than escaping an attempted abduction and being beaten by a family member and left for dead. That's how painful being treated like an inferior female is. Please don't pass it on to your bios. Make the call to a counsellor.
Hugs!!!
Thanks hun for the hugs
Thanks hun for the hugs because I could really need one right now! I feel like I am totally forgotten in the whole relationship and I feel like I couldnt speak. Today I just basically lost my temper and let him understand how I feel. I want to be heard and voice. But I really want to yell at SD8 to let us speak or spend time. Its always about her. Its so annoying and it is traumatizing and PTSD triggering. I feel like I am not good enough even though I try my best to make him happy. Its truly hard work
He is a bad father and husban
You unfortunately got together with a bad person, The wife should come first. Not the DD. Nothing is going to change by it self. Unless he goes to therapy, to understand and change. This is how it's going to be.
You are at the most beautiful point of your life. He is missing out on all of this putting his effort to his DD. You must make an exit plan
Thanks Harry yeah he needs
Thanks Harry yeah he needs some therapy and to see how his moods, tones, and everything affects how I think of myself daily and how bad I feel about myself
It sounds like YOU are doing
It sounds like YOU are doing all the giving in this relationship -- trying to understand and accommodate his stress, his emotions, his needs. But he doesn't do any of that for you. It's no wonder you feel like you've lost yourself.
A wife does support her husband when his parent dies. Sometimes one person in the marriage takes on the larger share of the burden, but then sometimes the other person takes it on. Give and take, balance. That's a loving partnership. When was the last time he went out of his way to try to do something for you, to relieve you of a burden, to help you cope with something?
It seems like all the emotional labor is yours to bear, and you get nothing in return. That's exhausting, demoralizing, and wrong.
I am sorry your are struggling.
I have to say your SO is extremely dissappointing to me.... as a man.
No doubt your are stunning in your pregnancy. Do not let he and his failed family baggage drama detract from you being your best you.
As a man, without BKs, and never been through a pregnancy with my bride (she brought SS-30, then 2yo to our marriage) I have zero reference data for what you are going through.
Just know that what you are doing is wonderful and your DH needs to step up for you.
Take care of yourself.
Congratulations on the baby.
I'm sorry you are dealing
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like your SO is not a good father to his daughter nor is he a good husband. I worry that the mini-wife issues are going to continue and plague your relationship indefinitely. I know you are emotional and hurt. But I don't think you are overreacting to the situation at all. I would certainly be upset. I can tell you my ex husband parented his adult son (21) this way: always allowed him to influence our relationship, told him about our arguments, personal stuff about me and my family that was not his son's business, the list goes on. They acted just like a married couple - I was like a roommate. My ex husband wanted to be his son's buddy and he was, there were absolutely no boundaries, no privacy in our marriage, nothing just between us, just like your SO is with his daughter. And when she gets older it will likely be the same as what I went through: your whole relationship will revolve around her, she will hold all the power - because daddeeee lets her do it. And looking further down the road, who knows if she will ever launch. Daddeeee will likely not push the issue.
You have to dig deep and think about what you want. Only you know what's right for you.
Please take care of yourself and your baby. You deserve happiness, love and support. **HUGS**
Self care
It may not fix everything, but you are overdue for some self care!!!
Not feeling desirable? Go get glammed up for maternity photos! It doesn't really matter what he thinks of them, it's about feeling good for yourself! Plus having photos...beautiful photos....of a special time!
The mini-wife is a hard one. I doubt your SO has a clue....he probably thinks you just don't like her, but she's putting herself where she doesn't belong. Maybe try setting some boundaries/rules for her..a strict bedtime that allows adukt time for you and your SO. Speak to her ina sweet, but firm tone of voice, letting her know you're not there for her BS. Next time she inserts herself where she's not concerned just tell her that it doesn't concern her and you weren't speaking to her and cut her off. If she interrupts keep cutting her off and remind her the adults are speaking.
Your SO isn't behaving in an acceptable way, but you shouldn't be allowing this guy to have so much control over your emotions. You could distance yourself from him a little to make time for you to take care of you. He's not doing a good job right now, but it will give him a chance to see what he's missing when you stop doing for him and do for yourself.