Ex wife passed on.
Hard to give a brief synopsis of my relationship but here it goes. Met my fiancé we've been engaged in Nov 2019 in 2017, during this time my parents were going through a horrible divorce as it was he. He got divorced the following year and his ex-wife made it anything easy she not only made falls child service calls back-and-forth and visitation I think 60 line I am on custody hearings, just a big mess and through all of this she was arrested three times for child abuse but of course it was Connecticut and she got into a special program for first time offenders meanwhile she never completed any of these programs and had another court date coming up this week but last Saturday, October 29 she overdosed and she passed away. I cannot say I feel an out sorry for this woman she did everything to sabotage my relationship, make fun of me, be prejudiced and racial towards me and overall tried to take her ex-husband back. He claims it was a total accident but she sent fully nude photos of herself to him in her child's bedroom, The boys didn't see their mother with the supervisor even for almost 2 years and she overdosed on drugs but of course his ex in-laws are heavily involved since they pay for most things and my fiancé is cheap. In my the beginning they were the ones who paid to have her attempt to get full custody and everything else they cost him so much need less money and his excuses they just believe their daughter and her lies and we're trying to help. They are extremely rude to me and have always done anything to make me feel like an outsider even though it has been me Who has raised the children for the last couple of years. I'm the one who takes care of them when they're sick wakes up every morning make some breakfast pastor lunches take him to school does everything a real mother shit and the ex mother-in-law make a point to let me know I'm not the mother on many occasions. She is a total B word. They are from Altoona and then God they live so far away (we live in nj) but you can see just like their daughter knew how to spell on her ex-husband the parents are doing the same thing to him and the kids. They are so fake it's unbelievable. Over the summer when the mother-in-law the ex reached out to the oldest son who is living with me and I asked him if he was safe and he was taking him to camp and when my mother was moving out a little backstory my fiancé and his two boys moved into my mothers house yes she's giving us the house under only one condition that he marries me finally. My mom is divorced and widowed and can't afford the large home she lives in by herself the property taxes are almost $20,000 a year for four bedroom home my fiancé and I were looking for a home this summer and she decided to give us hers and is having trouble finding a condo for herself since the market is extremely tough here and the ex mother-in-law had the audacity to question the 12-year-old grandson when she is leaving. I am tired of her nonsense so I reached out via text message and I wrote something very nice I asked her to have some boundaries and told her that I think it's so important that the boys are involved with your side and have a strong relationship but I did say you do need to have some boundaries and we need to create some I'm going to be their stepmother like it or not and through no fault of anyone this is what the circumstances are and if you could please have some respect for me and not talk about my mother or myself to your grandchildren I would really appreciate it . Well the ex father-in-law called my fiancé at work and made a very difficult situation and of course my fiancé takes the ex father-in-law side. Then their alcoholic, drugged out daughter overdosed after signing her self yet another rehab she has been in and out of rehab for the past three years her parents have funded her lifestyle have rented her expensive condos bought her a vehicle before her license was taken away and even met guys she was dating they are the type that come from a small town who copy everything they see on TV an d their daughter to marry a rich husband well it didn't turn out very well for them their daughter overdosed in a seedy motel room. Not exactly their fairytale they hoped for but I don't know how to handle the situation with my fiancé I told him that there is a pecking order the kids come first and then I do and he told me I shouldn't tell him how to think I said your ex in-laws do not come before me you should be there to protect me and my feelings before you worry about theirs.
not sure if anybody dealt with a ex spouse passing away or have ex in law issues and that's not even his parents it's his ex-wife's parents.
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You're right
You're right that the kids need to maintain a relationship with their mom's family but primarily, they need one with parents (and you're the mom figure now) who are both on the same page. Is there any way you can tone down the in law involvement? Its strange that your DH would defend them, I would expect him to politely ignore his ex-inlaw's remarks.
How old are the kids? How are they reacting to BM's death? I hope everyone can focus on them at this time. I don't hear you complaining about them so I'm assuming they are good kids.
When my ex died, also a druggie, it was weird. I had been divorced from him for 35+ years and remarried for a long time but all kinds of strange emotions came up. Later, I realized my subconscious was sad that we'd never have the chance to resolve our differences. But, my brain knew that was impossible. I'm guessing your DH is having strange emotions, too. It's not logical, it's just emotional thinking and has no reflection on his feeling for you.
I'd recognize he might be having mixed feelings but soon, when the time is right, I'd talk to him about the kids and how they might be reacting and how you'll both handle it going forward. I'd try to calmly discuss the inlaw situation and see if you can both agree on how best to handle it. The more people kids have in their lives who love them, the better. But first, you and DH try to get on the same page about it all.
Good luck, you sound like you're trying to do right by the kids.
Your fiance is gobbling on the nether regions of his XILs.
Move on.
This failure can't man up. Why would you tolerate a non man like that as your mate?
His XILs raised an over dosed junkie. Why do you or your DF give a shit what they think?
Quit reaching out to your SO's XILS. They are irrelevant. If your SO keeps up his ball-less non man crap, put him and his failed family progeny on the curb.
smh
Are you married to him yet?
Are you married to him yet? I hope that the house is not attached to him in any way. Sounds like they are all using you one way or another and abusing you too. I have a problem with a man needing to be bribed into marriage. ( you get my house when you marry my daughter). You have a man problem. He sounds like a lazy parent and partner and wonder just what great stuff he bring to your life. So far from what you write it's not enough to put up will all this crap.
The fact your fiance took his in-laws side instead of yours
The fact your fiance took his in-laws side instead of yours is a huge red flag. Please don't marry this man until he gets his priorities straight. If your Mom wants to give you her house, just put your name on the deed. You don't want him to marry you just go get his hands on her house.
she decided to give us hers
Getting a house may be an incentive for him to marry, but it's not one to stay married. I'd be leery of a guy who'd agree to marriage for an incentive.
Mom, if she is giving anyone the house, should be giving it to her daughter, not the couple.
Mom needs to consult a lawyer on how to do this without tax consequences. You need to see a lawyer about how to title the house so that it does not become joint property in the event of a divorce. If you marry, you should consider a prenuptial. If you don't marry, perhaps a partnership agreement (prenup for cohabiting long term partners).
There are only 2 people in the inner circle when it comes
To what goes on in your home in regards to boundaries and discipline, basic expectations etc and thats you and your fiance.
by you messaging ex ils, you've invited them and their opinions into your inner circle. When ex fil complained to your fiance about you, your fiance sided with ex ils. Had that communication between you and them never happened, your fiance wouldn't have been on receiving end of an unnecessary call from his ex fil.
tbh you need to follow parralel parenting style whereby whatever goes on or went on in ex ils place or bio mums home, stays there. Skids are made aware what basic expectations are in your home. Exils can complain and cause issues, you ignore them. But this fals on your fiance to make sure his kids are towed into line of what they do in your home.
when my sd's kept answering me back regarding disrespectful behaviour or parenting of my 2 toddlers, i told my husband he needed to tell them off. It took him 1.5 yrs but he told her she was his daughter, not his wife and that there were basic expectations and standards of behaviour she needed to follow. That i am his wife, his present and future and it was incredibly disrespectful her always updating him on biomum issues in her marriage or what was going on when bio mum had married affair guy right after divorce was finalised.
sd sulked but she needed to be put in her place. She kept updating bio mum and stepdad after being interrogated about me, my husband, our toddlers after every visit and sd would give us the running commentary of what bio mum and stepdad said.
i refused to attend any meets of family events that sd's would be at to shut down this interrogation because there is nothing they can report on.
Since about 3-4 yrs ago my husband has been forced and told eldest sd, that in the limited time he has free from work, he isn't gonna shuffle between our household and his kids from exwife because they do not have basic respect of boundaries and privacy. since sd's refuse to meet those basic standards of behaviour, my husband can't guilt, pressure or force me and our kids to be at outings and family events that sd's will be at. So he prioritises us, if we make plans for outings and holidays etc, these take priority over my skids who are sd27, ss24 and sd17.
my husbands exwife back in mid 2018 even had then eldest sd message him to tell him that she thought her marriage was falling apart for sympathy and so she didn't have to take responsibility for all the lies and cheating, bad behaviour etc during and after the divorce and disappearing with sd's for over 5.5 yrs. my husband ignored this messages and any updates sd sent were ignored.
even biomum coming back from overseas holiday with stepdad, my eldest sd would message my husband a pic of airport arrival hall first thing in the morning. My husband would message whats this? Sd would reply i'm at airport waiting for biomum and stepdad to come out. It took another 1.5 yrs before my husband told her to stop this nonsense.
whatever crap is going on in bio mum or stepdads life is irrelevant, they are not our family or members of our household and inner circle. Hubby made it clear to stepdaughter that his only concern was me and our 2 toddlers and managing his relationship with kids from exwife but as they were much older and mostly adults, that his time would be prioritised with us as it should be. My husband basically reiterated what the pecking order was, sd kept trying to compete for alpha female status with me which was ridiculous and my husband made sure she understood her place was below me and she didn't get to dictate what happens in our household or how we parent our kids. That decision and responsibility is between me and my husband and he 100% supports me because i am the stay at home mum and knows our household and kids best.
since then there are no issues because sd's have been locked out of our inner circle and exwife snd stepdad. We cut off their ability to infiltrate or dictate what happens in our household and family.
Your BF is siding with the
Your BF is siding with the inlaws because as you put it.. they are heavily involved.. pay for everything and your BF is cheap.
He is fine opening up his hand for those people to support his children.. so with that comes the strings attached.. they get to be more pivotal in your home and life because they have an interest in those kids.
He can't backhand them.. because it would jeopardise his gravy train. Just curious.. is there any use or abuse of illicit substances in your household. it's not typical for her to have been involved and for her partner (your BF) to not have been also involved.. but perhaps not to the same extent.
Honestly.. the fact that he is mooching of the ex inlaws.. happy to glom onto your mom's home? red flags.. he doesn't seem all that self sufficient... he has also shown he can't have a backbone for you either.
I will agree with other posters who say that you should not be getting into things with his Ex inlaws.. he should b 100% handling that..
If he refused their support.. he might have more backbone with them.. but that would mean he would have to step up to replace their help.
Id put off the marriage
For a while. See how things shake out.
Lucky. My husband's ex ODed
Lucky. My husband's ex ODed Dec 2021 but she survived and now she's just disabled AF trying to get child support from us even tho she cannot physically care for them, can't walk, can't go grocery shopping, sits on the couch and pisses into a pad, and I wish she died. She shit talks me and neglects her twins horrifically. They don't even get bathed or fed, teeth rotting like hers bc she never brushes them or cleans them bc she is physically unable to and doesn't care. She's a horrible person and she just harms the children with her toxicity.
But onto your situation, I think he's a man baby who needs the in laws bc he cannot hang financially, and he was most definitely screwing the dead junkie ex. Please move on. This is horrible, and I hope you find love elsewhere. I wish I could move on, but I'd be living in my car if I left, so I stay and am miserable.
I think if the only way a man would marry me is to comply with my mothers demand to get a free house - I'd not marry him. They don't want you involved with the kids, and seem to be using you to get a house. I really worry you're being used.