The accountability flounce.
I think there's a LOT that goes on behind the scenes with DHs kids. As there should be, it's really not normal to keep family abreast the way they selectively do anyways. They are adults and should be navigating life and it's ups and downs for the most part without involving "daddy".
I'm feeling though, that there's a duality to many of them They want dads "help" $$$ maybe? Or at least "experiences " from brunch to "healing retreats" His $ could provide and that's when they include him in the loop. Any, and I mean any, actual accountability or even hint of it and there seems to be a flounce out of the room. (Leaving in a huff) there are never any deep meaniful conversations about the latest issues making the rounds with one or the other of them. There's a hinting and almost tattling aspect to the tidbits that are dropped, yet when confronted head on, no matter how delicately there's either denial or storming out as if they are misunderstood teens. They are all late thirties-mid forties and it gets exhausting . I need to keep up my disengagement and find a way to not get looped into DHs bringing me into it via even a mealtime with them.
It's tough for a lot of
It's tough for a lot of people to break out of the "parent/child" dynamic... everytime mom or day says something they find critical.. they are thrust back into a younger time where they are being "lectured"
I know my brother hates to go to my dad's.. he had to return home when he was in his late 30's due to an addiction issue.. and I know my dad can be a judgemental asshat.. so I'm quite certain that while probably not totally undeserved.. my brother didnt' apprecate the piling on of criticism and expressions of disappointment coming from my dad. and.. honestly. my dad can make someone feel about 1.2 inches tall.. and he was not the nicest to us growing up.. so I can see my brother getting his hackles up if he feels he is being judged by my dad. (I even get a bit of that ptsdish response when it comes to my dad.. lol.)
Oh I totally get that.
Triggered responses are my thing too occasionally. Then I feel like an idiot. My DH is pretty sensitive to that and yes occasionally handles things a bit ham fisted and I will tell him when I do see that. This didn't feel that way though. Sometimes I think the only thing they want to hear is a no questions asked donation to whatever their latest pet project is. Trust me I've seen many from all of them, from family getaways to funding hobby careers. They ask a lot of DH at times.
Late 30s and mid-40s? And Dad
Late 30s and mid-40s? And Dad is still paying for brunch and retreats? I'm in my mid-30's and I treat my parents to dinner on occasion (they will also reciprocate and treat my husband and I). I'm sorry but if you're still taking money from Dad like a kid, then expect to be treated like one. If you don't like being lectured then don't accept his invitation. Maybe if they pay for him to go out once in a while, he will feel less inclined to gently criticize the hand that is feeding him?
Arrested development
I think those "kids" act like rebellious teens flouncing out when they hear anything that's not positive. All you're missing is the slammed door.
When you don't have a close
When you don't have a close relationship you have the ability to paint a picture how you want it and hide what you don't want seen. We get hints of who my SD really is but most of the time it's the same. We only hear from her if someone else sticks her on the phone or if she wants something. She has specifically asked for brunches and vacations too! She's 15 so it's all about what she can take pictures of and post about, photogenic expensive experiencs and name brand clothing. For that she just wants daddy's money.
I think it all goes back to the parent child relationship being transactional and I have to blame BMs for this. They teach their kids that all daddy is good for us money and it continues to adulthood. Grown stepkids will do the minimum to get daddy to fork it over and if it starts getting too hard to manipulate him they will disappear for months or years as punishment, only to return with a sob story and a hand out when dad is hopefully softened up and missing them.
Sick.
100% this!!
The transactional relationship! They are "busy" when they aren't in need and when they are they expect no questions asked!
And lets not forget that
And lets not forget that these men PERMIT this treatment. They're unwilling to help guide their kids to a more equitable, adult - to - adult relationship.
100% I see that.
They treat him the way he allows them to. I am surprised that he (DH) has not reached out like he normally would have by now. I'm sure he'll be punished accordingly whereby I'll gently remind him that at his age and the age of his kids he deserves to be treated with respect. Or not associate with them.
Close family connection and communication can be
a double edged sword.
If it is invasive, toxic, etc... Bad! Obviously.
If it is respectful in both directions, mature, and engaging in both directions. It can be great.
I speak to my parents daily (M-F). That is what I have used my commute time for for many years (decades). Whether I was living internationally or just a few miles from their home. We discuss our day, future plans, extended family, etc.... Sometimes, though rarely, we review which grand kid is on the hit list for not calling or responding. One of them seem to always be on that list, though it is a fairly regular cycle that all of them get hit on.
Don't piss of hte GPs kids!!! The kids are between 21 and 30.
My DW calls my parents fairly regularly as well. Interestingly, she speaks to her family far less frequently. She/we have far more in common with my clan than with hers. DW left their small town at 18 and has never been back as a resident. Her family has never left other than her two brothers 4yrs in the service and her sister living with us for a year after HS.
We have lived and worked all over the US and much of the world. Which is my family's paradigm
Interstingly, my ILs have a similar dynamic wo what you indicated in your OP. gthe 'tattling aspect' is a long tradition in my IL clan. I coined the termp "Shitbird Seat' for their penchant for always putting someone in the black sheep of the moment chair. More interesting is that it is the one in the chair who is usually making different and quality decisions compared to the rest of them. My DW and I have had a number of long stints in the Shitbird Seat.
Niether my brother nor I have asked our parents for money or to fund anything for us since we launched into adulthood in our 20s. Their money is theirs and he and I would love nothing more htan for mom and dad to enjoy their lives to the fullest. Which they do and always have done. We definately won the parent lottery.
Was it SeeYouNever who
Was it SeeYouNever who pointed out the link between selfish kids/skids and the way they're treated as the oh-so-special center of the family? I concur, and it's completely the opposite of my own upbringing, the theme of which was "The world doesnt owe you a living".
I've shared before that OSD never so much as bought her dad a cup of coffee. To her, he was simply a resource to be tapped. Not only did BM teach her that men are wallets, but the culture in DH's own family dictated that males were second class citizens.
It's disgusting. But nothing will change unless/until these dads start start drawing boundaries and correcting their kids.