Hello! First post.
Hi all. So..., I'm a 55yr old married lesbian who's partner has 3 grown children, all of whom she's always referred to as my "step kids." We've all hated each other since day one. Her son and I tolerate each other. No biggie. A year and a half ago, out of no where, we were thrown into adopting her then 12yr old grandson whom had been a part of the foster system for 9yrs due to her eldest daughters drug issues, and inability to care for her children. We had previously attempted to adopt this child, and his sister but were defamed, slandered, and accused of all sorts of terrible things by the drug addict parents, and subsequently pushed aside due to our sexual orientation - the parents are racist, homophobic, methed out horrible people whom would say anything to keep us from having anything to do with these kids. Move forward to now - due to several other issues with the foster care system in Kansas, and her grandson being accused of attempting to rape another child in a foster home, suddenly we became the only option for this child. Amazing how that works. Now here we are, and I am struggling terribly. The bio mom ended up kidnapping him prior to us getting him. At that time she drilled into him how terrible we are. That we are on drugs, abusive, and awful people. Obviously we've shown him that this is not true but his behavior was awful when he first arrived. It destroyed my trust. He's on the surface, vastly improved but it's just that - on the surface. He's manipulative. He's a true narcissist, and I genuinely can't stand him. I feel like I have a mini serial killer living in my home. I don't know what to do.
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I'm sorry you're having to
I'm sorry you're having to deal with such a ton of crap. Talk about no good deed goes unpunished!
Is he getting therapy for what he's been through?
Yes he's in therapy. I hate
Yes he's in therapy. I hate sounding as if I'm not giving him a chance - obviously I am. He's just done some things which signal master manipulator - he even acknowledges this, and is quite proud of himself. He's seen a lot of this from his parents - rewards for manipulation. I know he's not really cognizant of the consequences so it makes it very difficult to navigate. My point is, I believe he's manipulating his therapist. We are supposed to begin "family counseling," here soon. It's been delayed as I'm dealing with my own issues - my own mom is dying of stage 4 cervical cancer which has spread. My dad is 88 and her sole caregiver so I'm having to decide what to do on that end of things as well.
Yes, therapy
Welcome to the site, I'm positive it will help you. I empathize with having a child dropped on you whose mind hss been poisoned, I had 3 but not so extreme as this boy.
This boy has been thru a lot. If there was ever a candidate for counseling, it is he. You don't mention how your partner is coping. I'd research to find the best counselor I could find and get him in there pronto for everybody's sake.
Hoping for your best possible outcome.
He's in therapy. As far as
He's in therapy. As far as whether or not it's the "best," probably not. He's definitely a "complex," case but currently on Medicaid. We were, in no way, financially prepared to take on this child, so, much to my dismay, we are having to depend on a lot of subpar state funded services. I mean we aren't broke, but by my standards, this is not the financial setting I would raise a 14yr old boy in.
My partner doesn't cope. She wanted this to redeem herself for all of her own shitty parenting mistakes. She was an awful parent, hence why we are in this position. Her daughter repeated the cycle, as is another daughter. That said, I'm the only one whom actually interacts (not always in a positive way), and takes an active role in dealing with this child. It sucks. There is no co parenting. Only disagreeing with how I handle something because I'm the only one handling it. I was never cut out to be a parent. I admittedly don't have the first clue on what I'm doing so of course I'm reaching into my own childhood which was toxic, and going with that. I do my best to maintain control, not be an asshole, and avoid what my parents did, but I am still a product of my childhood. My wife is a complete disaster of a person - honestly, we've only been cohabitating for the past ten years because things in colorado are too expensive to handle any other way. We don't fight, there's no abusiveness, or anything like that - just a shit ton of dysfunction.
Jesus. Yeah, with his first
Jesus. Yeah, with his first 12 years being what they were, he might have some serious mental issues that make him a danger to others. He might also have drug-related brain damage. He will need intensive therapy. Maybe inpatient. Is your wife, well, up to the task? Not to pile on, but she raised his parent. She will have to be committed to his care and also able to set boundaries. You will have to be, too, but if she isn't, there isn't much hope. Couples' therapy, family therapy, and individual therapy all around. Strict house rules, consequences and rewards, and a very consistent schedule. With all those things, there is a chance but no guarantee he won't turn out like his mother or worse, a predator.
I couldn't do this.
Nope. This is all too much for me and I would file it under the "sometimes love is not enough" category. I would leave the relationship once I hit the "this will never get better" point.
It's ok if you decide that too. You do not have to sacrifice having a good life for anyone. Ever. Sometimes love is not enough.
I'm just about there trust me
I'm just about there trust me. I feel so stuck. I'd have to get a divorce, relinquish custody (fine by me), and walk. Have no money for all of that. Through all of this, I've dealt with breast cancer alone. In the time we've had this child, I've had three surgeries, and been away from work. My wife has used my not working as "child care," even while I've been recovering. Total bullshit. Ive not had one peaceful, nor empathetic moment in over two years.
You say you were "thrown into
You say you were "thrown into adopting" her grandson. Did YOU actually legally adopt him, or did your wife adopt him, or are one or both of you legal guardians currently?
Yes I legally adopted him as
Yes I legally adopted him as well as my wife. Looking back, I think this was a big mistake but I did so because he was scared that if something happened to my wife, he'd be thrown back into the foster system, or his parents. Both parents lost all of their rights many years ago but would go to any lengths to take this kid. They used drugs, alcohol, and material things to manipulate him into thinking he was going to have this amazing life with him bio mom when she kidnapped him. I mean they were literally feeding him beer, whiskey, weed, ecstasy, and meth. When we got him he was smoking cigarettes at age 12 - like we were literally having to buy him smokes. One day..., I'd had enough. Flat out told my wife, and him that we were committing a crime by providing him with tobacco and it wasn't going to continue. Once we got his head clear, and him clean and sober (the second he got into school he was smoking weed all of the time), he started to realize what his mom had done. He's afraid of her coming to get him, or taking him back if my wife dies, so I adopted him too.
Hey, Welcome to Step talk. --
Hey, Welcome to Step talk. ---Glad you found us.
Did you legally sign adoption papers? IF yes, there was a hearing, BIO mom and BIO Dad's rights terminated (TPR) by the court. Then there was a hearing in front of a sitting Judge and the Judge legally proclaimed you and your partner are NOW legal parents of the child? Is that the current status? Legally?
Or does bio mom and bio dad still have their legal rights intact, BUT, you and your partner are legal guardians ie Kinship care?
We will do our best to help you---but what do YOU want to do? Stay, leave?
Yes we both legally adopted
Yes we both legally adopted him. His bio dad is in jail and is looking at 25yrs in prison but always manages to manipulate his way out of things so I'm not holding my breath on that one. He's been in and out of prison since he was a teen. Bio mom is absolutely bat shit stupid, worthless, and loves abusive narcissistic men. She's currently married to some manchild whom beats on her daily. They drink, do meth, scam people out of money, and live in a fifth wheel on his dead grandmothers property in Texas. They can't hold jobs, and have been living off money from her dead dad, and him dead grandmother. We also suspect they supplement their income by trafficking. We've cut her off completely - she's been told no contact until she's clean, sober, and not with an abuser. Her son, at the moment, wants nothing to do with her.
My suggestion.. Don't over complicate it.
Set and enforce the standards of behavior and standards of performance that this kid any any others in the home will comply with. If he chooses to not comply, apply an escalating age appropriate state of misery until he does compy.
If his puke of a stench eminating womb donor kidnapped him, press charges. Put her ass in prison where she belongs. If your DW refuses, you know where the root cause of the whole situation resides.
The background is irrelevant. How this kid will be raised and to what standard he will be held to does matter.
We raised our son to reasonable though elevated standards of behavior and performance. He has lived up to those standards as an adult and is successful, caring, and of standing and character in his profession and his community. His Spermidiot, is a POS and sadly his three younger also out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas are following the Spermidiot's example. #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind #3.
I applaud you and your DW for making a family to raise GSkid-12 in.
Take care of you, take care of your marriage, and take care of your family.
Flush your DW's failed family shit. They have no place in your life or your family. You and DW do whatever you can to salvage your GSkid.
Good luck.
I can relate.
Welcome to StepTalk. I truly feel for you.
I think a lot of step parents get caught up in trying to please others or "doing the right thing", only to suffer greatly for what is honestly Other People's Problems.
In my situation, my DH's young teen daughter unexpectedly came to live with us. He hadn't seen her for several years, and I'd never met her because the mentally ill BM was High Conflict to a dangerous degree. I thought was giving an underprivileged kid a chance for a better, more stable life, but actually I was inviting a hard broke semi feral chaos machine into my home. Her mental and emotional issues were far above my pay grade, and none of the therapy she got did any good. By the time she ran off at nineteen (3 days before Christmas, stole all her presents from under the tree, too) I was a nervous shell who also needed therapy. I regret every minute of my time and every dollar I spent on my DH's youngest. Zero stars, would not recommend.
OP, you can speak freely here. Its okay to admit you've made a mistake, or resent the little shit. People in your situation need regular respite, regular therapy, and lots of self care. You have to start prioritizing yourself and carving out time to do things just for you so you can decompress. Nurture yourself as an individual, because you are one and don't want to become collateral damage in this mess. I hope you'll keep posting, and find support here. (((hugs)))
Sadly, not an unusual experience when taking in a rescue project
kid. Regardless of the source of that project.
We have very dear friends who have focused on adopting at risk youth. The first one, fell in love with one of our friends and they had to have him removed from their home and returned to the system.
The next one they had to dissolve the adoption when the kid started mollesting other kids on the school bus and at school. He was remanded to a State education ranch school where he asssaulted a couple of teachers. To protect their financial security, our friends disolved the adoption and returned that one to the State.
Their remaining adopted troubled kid, has been remanded twice to State ranch schools due to a number of high risk behaviors. This one may make it to the age of majority. Though it is a day by day touch and go thing.
These are amazing people who want to help.
Sadly, many of these rescue project kids... are beyond salvage.
This is the hard, simple
This is the hard, simple truth Rags, but in our society any stepparent who said this would immediately be labeled a child-hating monster. My heart goes out to the OP. Like so many of us, she didn't cause the situation but is suffering for it.