Gotta tell you, I think the most Googled result that brings people to this board is "I hate my stepkid."

Most of the people here are in VERY rough step situations, much worse than mine. I landed here because I had a rough time with visitation with my SD-then-12, and I thought her BM was a nutjob. Well, SD-now-15 has grown into a pretty good teenager, but BM is still a nutjob. So I'm still around.

I'm sure there's some good sites out there, but I haven't found too many that are realistic - there's too much sunshine and glitter expected in blended families. Give me the gritty reality.

Hi MereYam, and welcome. There's quite a mix of experiences on this site, from people with mostly supportive partners and decent SKids, to those struggling with unsupportive partners and horrendous behaviour from their SKids. If you spend a bit of time on here you will start to identify the people whose situations and/or attitude are most compatible with yours and learn from their experiences. No matter how positive your situation there are always stresses and strains associated with step parenting someone elses children, but at least if you can understand that those are common to the role and not representative of personal failings on your part you can keep your head above water. The more detail you give about your own situation the more relevant stories and advice you will get. What are the main issues affecting your self esteem at the moment? Do you have children of your own, or like me were you a singleton with limited experience of children who has ended up trying to forge a relationship with 2 larger than life children? How long have you been in their lives?

I would second ripleys advice not to force things or try to impose a relationship on them. If they are nice children and you are friendly and caring towards them they probably will warm to you, and over time you can develop your role. Most children will not respond well to a new person suddenly telling them what to do, but if they do spend time on your home they have to gradually learn to respect you as an authority figure. My tips would include:

-Don't go overboard in terms of practical care until your relationship with them evolves. I did far too much running about after my SKids too early in terms of cooking, cleaning and tidying, before my relationship with them was strong enough for them to appreciate it and for me to feel I was getting enough back. I was trying to be a parent figure the only way I knew how - by replicating some of my own mothers behavious. I should have left it to DH and made him step up. It only leads to resentment and often you end up doing more than is wanted or needed.
-Don't let DH try to put you in the role of mother and make you feel like you have to love them as your own. Many divorced fathers, including my husband, feel so much guilt about 'leaving' their children that they consciously or subconsciously try to push their new partner into a replacement mother role. This gives them artificial expectations about how you are going to feel about the children and behave towards them, and causes resentment on all sides- you resent the pressure, the kids resent having another mother forced on them, and DH resents you if you don't live up to his misguided expectations. Things improved a lot for me when DH realised it was not fair or realistic to expect me to feel the same way about his children as he did. And eventually I did come to care about them a lot.
-Do be clear with DH about your expectations with regard to household rules and the children's contribution to the house and discuss and agree that between you. He should take most of the responsibility for communicating and enforcing that in the early days. It makes a lot of different to a step parent if the SKids help out, and due to all the politics and tensions as people get used to each other it is MUCH easier if rules and chores are written down and DH takes the lead in sitting down to agree them with the children in a positive way. It took me a long time to achieve this because DH wanted to run around after the SKids so their time with us would be 'happy time', but he eventually came to see that if he wanted them to feel that our house was a home for them, they needed to treat it like a home and help out.
-Consider couples counselling as a proactiive step rather than a last resort. We did this and it made a huge difference having a mediator to help us understand each others perspective and explain to DH when he was being irrational.

I wish you lots of luck.

Hi MereYam, 

Thank you for sharing your experience. I found your experience about being a mother the only way you knew how, like your mother; exactly what am going through right now. Could you please share how you decipher how to stepmom, I am so lost at this point.

Thank you,

Well, I'm a veteran SM of 27 years. For YEARS I blamed myself. My DH went way overboard with the childcentric bullshit that society seems to love. I was dead last. I got virtually no needs met as a wife. My self-esteem was in the toilet and I over functioned trying to become "good enough" to try to get some validation from my DH. I endured Mini-wife Syndrome, Disneyland Dad Syndrome and had feral SKs. I was in and out of therapy for YEARS trying to "get fixed," because I couldn't possibly confess to anyone how much I despised both of my SKs, especially my SD33, the clingiest cling-on that ever clung. I ended up with C-PTSD and despite being an athlete, I developed heart palpitations and was told by my doctor that I'm going to die if I don't change my environment pronto. 

There is a common problem talked about in this group about how these dads don't know how to dad and husband at the same time. They haven't done the work. They let the BM walk all over them, they become enmeshed with mini-wives and they are so chicken-shit that they allow their brats to treat the SM like shit and even abuse her and then put the onus on the SM to dummy up and be a Stepford wife. 

In order to help you, we need more details. This is the right place to share. You'll have tons of help on here just like I did. I could feel it to my bones when you said, "With out some help, soon, my self-esteem'll be in (even smaller) pieces on the floor...." So, I have the suspicion that you have one of the dads I describe who can't dad and husband at the same time and who might put his ferals on pedestal and expect you to be a smiling simp about it. If not, then please go ahead and share. There are all kinds of issues on this site that gets talked about. There's a lot of wisdom and support to tap into here. You are home. Welcome!