Do you find these rules to be reasonable?
SD 17 won't know if she got into the dorms at college for another two months. In the case that she doesn't, and tries to live with us full time, things will need to change for me to be comfortable.
Her room is downstairs and there is a door that goes outside down there that she never uses. I would request that she goes in and out that door.
She csn come upstairs to eat and shower (she has her own half bathroom down there). However, there will be no friends hanging out up here, no doing homework or watching tv up here. She also has her own tv with the same offerings down there.
She has to have her own car, as it's difficult enough for my husband and I to share our one car for our own needs plus the needs of our 4 year old.
SD 17 is respectful but is loud, talks incessantly (I'm an introvert and it exhausts me) and doesn't pick up after herself that well. I've shared a home with my husbands 's kids for nine years now (every other week) and I need my own space back so badly. I don't think she'll like these rules- do you think they are ok?
What's your end goal? To
What's your end goal? To drive her out? Keep her reasonably comfortable? What if she flunks/drops out? Then what? Job requirements? Noise rules? Parties downstairs? Her own door could let in trouble , how do you control for that possibility? This could be a good training for moving out if set up right.
She's been a responsible kid
She's been a responsible kid thus far- my only goal is to have my space to myself and not have to think about when she's coming and going so that I don't have stress about my ear being talked off or her being too loud etc. She has plenty of other options- to live with her mother or take out loans (she didn't need any for school) and get an apartment. I guess i feel if she pushes to live here and doesn't like the parameters she certainly has other viable options.
What does your DH say?
What's his opinion?
We haven't had a full on
We haven't had a full on conversation about it because it's not reality yet, but when I've mentioned a couple of things, he hasn't balked at it. DH doesn't really believe in kids living at home after 18. His other two kids moved out at that age.
the other option is to have separate residences near each other until she moves out. I'm fine with that but he isn't.
I do not think the rules are
I do not think the rules are particularly reasonable.. unless her space downstairs is set up like an independent apartment.
If you feel strongly about her being a bother.. then perhaps your husband should help her find a place to live? You were going to be "ok" living separately.. so why not have him put that money into helping her get independent housing.. and maybe with some requirement that she contribute by working PT while in school. I am assuming if she lives on or near campus a car of her own is less of an issue?
How do you manage going to work too when you only have one car?
I work at night and he works
I work at night and he works during the day. Yeah i don't know. I can't live like this anymore so I don't really know what to do. I guess I can look into independent living options for her.
Why YOU? Why not her father,
Why YOU? Why not her father, or her finding some of her own options?
He would I'm just eager to
He would I'm just eager to get this settled. I honestly never thought she'd really consider living here bc she'd rather be at her mothers but I don't know why she hasn't said it outright.
This is what happens when
This is what happens when kids are treated like royalty and not taught not to be a bother. I've heard people brag about how wonderful their bio-mom was, making them play outside by locking the door till dark (in the 80s.) But i've also heard people describe their stepmom doing that like they were abused. God forbid you don't give the kids every room in the house to use as their playrooms. They take over every room the whole time they are around then their parents wonder why the stepparent can't wait for them to gtfo. The point of this rant is that if this girl wasn't taught to be tolerable to live with as a child, making the rules now might cause more drama than it helps, esp if it's only you that wants the rules. Best for her to move out.
It sounds like this is really
It sounds like this is really about the fact that OP is very much an introvert.. while her SD is "respectful and generally pleasant".. but more extrovertedly social.. nothing really wrong with someone humming.. or liking to be around other people.. which she apparently does.. but it ends up being at odds with OP's natural desire to exist in more solitude.
I was also raised in the 60s through 80's.. so I get the "stay out side" kids.. method of parenting...haha.perfectly good hose water and all. But, the reality is that today it's just not as generally acceptable for anyone to really kick their kids out without much supervision. (step or not).
But.. if the girl is going to be living there.. it's just as unfair to her (a more natural extrovert).. to expect her to reside downstairs like some troll.. allowed to only scurry up the stairway for a furtive shower at some predetermined time. Either she is still a resident.. or not. And.. it doesn't sound like the downstairs is really even set up for any type of real independent living situation..given that there isn't even a shower/bathroom for her to use! If it were a MIL suite fully contained with a sitting area etc.. where she could have a friend over? that would be different.
Now.. if there are going to be RULES about visitors.. like time/days where they are welcome? NOTICE required? PERMISSION? maybe that is reasonable..
But, in some ways I feel like it is everyone's responsibility to be balanced.. it's no more fair to expect SD to constantly hole up in a basement room.. than it is to expect OP to ALWAYS have to hide in HER bedroom either.. but if you want privacy.. you go to a private room if you share a home..
I mean ideally.. and I am assuming it would be SD's preference.. SHE would want to be in the dormitory with other kids her age. Hopefully that will happen here and she will get a room assignment.. Alternatively.. if DAD and her mom are capable of helping her with her housing.. maybe finding a rooming situation with some other students would be a better fit for her too?
But if she ends up remaining in the home. because she "needs" to and her dad can't afford to help her do otherwise.. (I don't agree with her saddling herself with huge loans.. ).. then perhaps as a family they can figure out rules that allow some balance of her feeling comfortable living there during school.. while also understanding her SM's need to have a certain amount of peace and privacy? If her room is big enough downstairs.. maybe even setting her up a sitting area down there? I don't know.. but it doesn't sound like much more than a room.. and it doesn't feel right to make her exile herself when OP is just as capable of going to her own room for privacy at times as well.
Her room downstairs is by far
Her room downstairs is by far the largest room in the house and there is also another spare room down there with a seperate entrance. This is completely about me being an introvert and having to live with his extroverted kids for so long. I am at the end of my rope, constantly living on edge of when ages going to walk in and how long I will either have to socialize or walk away which is often not an option since I have a 4 year old.
What's most important to me is the evenings after my son goes to bed so maybe it's better to phrase it as after 8 pm she needs to be down there.
my husband is saying she needs to pay rent and absolutely must have her own car.
You certainly can establish
You certainly can establish some boundaries when it comes to peace and quiet in your home.. So, if your son's bedtime is an issue.. maybe with the exception of needing to use the bathroom.. she not be upstairs after 8pm.. that is not totally unreasonable. Another way would be to take the other spare room downstairs and turn it into a common room for her to use.. maybe even set it up with a kithenette? Is there any way to run plumbing downstairs so she would have a bathroom? or is there a toilet down.. just not a shower? If it is missing a shower.. any way to get one added (if plumbing already exists).. and a sink in a kitchenette area of her "common" room.. with her own couch and TV set up. basically like a mini apt downstairs.
I get peace and quiet being an issue if you have small kids that need peace and quiet to rest.
If you work nights.. I imagine you also need to sleep yourself during the day.. so it may be that if you can't set the basement up as more self sufficient for her.. finding her another housing option may be needed.. because of your schedules.
She has her own bathroom down
She has her own bathroom down there. Just no shower. The spare room has a tv and a couch she's never wanted to take advantage of in the past. I only work two nights a week since my son is still young, so I am home most nights. Thanks for responding, I agree the messaging may be better to say after 8 pm it's quiet time upstairs. My husband and I also try to prioritize at least the weekend nights to spend alone time and if she walks in, she will plop down and join even if she was told it's our alone time. I just can't have those things happening anymore.
I would approach this with
I would approach this with settiing some new boundaries now that she is an adult as an OPPORTUNITY for her to exercise her independence! The pot could definitely be sweetened by perhaps making those updates I suggested.. a shower install and a kitchenette area in her non-bedroom.. and a modest budget to decorate it like she would her own apt or dorm room. She could be encouraged to use the outside entrance so so she doesn't feel her comings and goings are monitored. She can be "off the hook" for eating with you guys.. free to cook her own meals on her own schedule... But as a shared home she needs to adhere to quiet hours ... and that she is free to host guests downstairs during normal hours.
By making her area more adult self sufficient.. and setting some quiet hours for your home.. she may be able to minimize her time upstairs.
I actually do hope she gets into the dorm.. that would be a great experience for her.
Yes me too. We won't find
Yes me too. We won't find out until the end of June about the dorms but I do think it would be best for everyone.
I totally get it.. at her age
I totally get it.. at her age.. and with her disposition.. she would likely thrive and enjoy a more typical dorm environment!
I can also sympathize with you on the introvert thing.. that was something I more struggled with myself.. I was not used to kids..and extra people.. it can be a LOT.. I am definitely known for my dissapearing acts at parties etc.. I have "enough" and have to get out. Made the monumental mistake of going into a Buc -ee's on a road trip this weekend in SC.. it's like everyone from 3 states decided to go to this one place at the same time.. 50 people in line for the bathroom.. I about had a stroke before I got out of there (after not waiting in line.. btw.. nope.. ).. we went to a Taco Bell next door where there was no line.. haha.
I am the same way as you.
I am the same way as you. All of DH's kids are extroverts. I didn't realize how much it would effect me until we were too far in. I am majorly struggling with the constant guilt and shame I feel bc she isn't a bad kid. We've had conversations about being an introvert and she doesn't get it. So when I just don't talk it's almost just as bad as forcing myself too bc it becomes awkward and she takes it a bit personally. Then I feel resentful and the cycle goes on and on. I exhausts me
Even I did not totally get it
Even I did not totally get it until we had one of those "what type of person are you" programs at work.. where they tell you your "type".. and explain what the types mean.. and how to be respectful but inclusive.
Like Introverts.. they don't necessarily dislike people.. but they need to be able to retreat to "recharge".. where extroverts thrive off the energy they get from being around a lot of people. Both types of people can be great contributors.. but with an introvert.. you have to respect that they may be more comfortable pitching ideas in smaller groups.. 1 on 1.. or even on the phone.. or via email.
It's like the pandemic was heaven to a lot of introverts... who were able to live reclusively without repurcussion.. but more extroverted people had a lot harder time dealing with the isolation.
She isn't "bad" for wanting more human interraction.. but you also are not bad or mean.. for asking for space to recharge.. but I also feel like we have to somwhat manage our own needs without totally impacting other people's ability to naturally live. So.. some compromise of moderating reasonable boundaries for quiet times in your home.. and visitor policy with the fact that you should also be able to sometimes retreat to your own space/room during other times when you have that need for peace.. is reasonable.
Since she is turning 18.. she can be given some options... perhaps the benefit of fixing up the downstairs to be more independent balances the lesser use of the upstairs of the house... or if she would prefer to get an apt with friends.. her dad can help her decide how THAT works financially (assuming she doesn't get dorm space of course).
Within the last couple of
Within the last couple of hours she told DH she is planning on living with mom if she doesn't get into the dorms. I still hope she gets into the dorms. I have a pretty good relationship with her, but I feel like it won't go much further until she isn't living here. Then when she comes to visit, I can enjoy it, knowing it won't be never ending. The difficulties of extroverts and introverts living together is real.
Just a suggestion: why not go
Just a suggestion: why not go ahead and put in a shower downstairs and a wet bar, mini kitchen setup. With all his other extroverted kids, it might be a good setup for any visitors and could potentially double as an airbnb if you're near a place where people like to visit.
I have a townhouse that my sons rent from me. The youngest is Autistic and can be a bit of a challenged to cohabit with. I am in the process of completing a small kitchenette in the basement for him. Last year, I had the powder room converted into a full bath. There is a separate entrance.
The full kitchen upstairs is a place where my sons would cross paths and there was some contention. I am hoping my older son will continue to rent the upper part of the townhouse if his younger brother has his own kitchen space.
The way I have it set up, if my older son wants to move out into his own place, I'll move my younger son upstairs and rent out the basement as an apartment. Luckily, there is a university within walking distance of that house.
If your husband is on board
If your husband is on board write up a lease agreement - doesn't have to be money involved but it can read the same as any lease (templates easy to find online). You can set boundaries and general house rules (including visitors, noise, mess/cleanliness standards, and quiet hours). These are in any lease she would find and also there are similiar rules in dorms.
Come from a professional place, talk with your husband and present her with the information and you all sign it.
Just tell her she needs to
Just tell her she needs to find new living arrangements for college. You don't care where they are as long as she isn't in your house. That's ultimately what you want, so quit dancing around it.
What? No
These are wild, and not how you would treat your own child by any stretch and are very much giving step daughter locked in cellar vibes. Having quiet hours (no coming up after 10 or before 7) and asking guests to remain in her space seems reasonable but a kid spending their first year of college living at home would never be banished from common space in a normal family.