Am I alone in these feelings?
I don't care what others say, step-parenting is NOTHING like parenting your own child (at least in my experience).
New here and looking for a group that understands this sentiment. I am struggling with being a stepmom and all that goes along with it.
Let me start by sharing a little of my story.
I consider myself a strong, independent woman who has raised a strong, independent daughter (She is now 25 yo). I raised her with basic rules of respect, manners, and cleanliness, (both from a hygiene perspective as well as general tidiness around the house). When I met my husband, his children were 11 and 13 years old. It was clear that they were not raised in this manner.
Fast forward to when I moved in with him. I made it clear that I would not be a maid and clean up after these children. They needed to learn how to do some basic chores on their own. This was a condition of my moving in.
For the most part, SD and I get along fine. She's now 21 and doesn't live at home (which is probably part of the reason for our more positive relationship). SS (19yo), on the other hand, has some mental health challenges which resulted in a suicide attempt a few years ago. He also has some form of social development issues that cause him to say incredibly rude things with no remorse. I struggle with him. A lot.
He refuses to pick up after himself, grumbles at any hint that he needs to do a household chore, and his bedroom is total filth - complete with mouldy food and a stench that I cannot understand how anyone lives in. He continuously drinks our alcohol which is in a special fridge for when guests come to visit, and in general, just gives no signs of respect towards me.
I have tried to be gentle because of his mental health challenges but, at the same time, he needs to learn some basic life skills. I have tried family therapy but in those situations, step-parents really don't have a say. The therapist always acted like what I was saying wasn't valid. I have tried personal therapy thinking maybe I could change my outlook somehow. This worked for a few days but the root problems still exist. He lacks respect and is gross.
I cannot "parent" him, he won't listen. And when I express my frustrations to my husband, he is timid about "rocking the boat" because of the suicide attempt. I feel incredibly frustrated and disrespected. I am at the point where I want to draw the line and insist on him either shaping up or shipping out. I think the only thing that has stopped me from actually making this statement is how much it would hurt my husband if I suggested it. I don't ask for much. Basic respect and cleanliness.
I'm also at a point where I do not enjoy any conversation with SS. I can't be around him. He is rude and disrespectful and demands a lot of his father which makes me angry. Most times, I have to remove myself from the situation for fear of saying something that cannot be taken back. Most evenings, I end up retreating to the bedroom just to avoid him. I know this is wrong, and I should be "the adult" in the situation but everything I have tried just makes things worse.
I'm at a loss - is anyone else experiencing any of these feelings?
- DaintyPower's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
You are not alone.
You are not alone.
I cannot "parent" him, he won't listen. And when I express my frustrations to my husband, he is timid about "rocking the boat" because of the suicide attempt.
BUT - this attitude and "your" problem was going on a lot longer than just starting at the suicide attempt, right? You have a Disney Dad, no rules, expectations or consequences for your SS. And you, I am guessing have been given "responsibility without authority", correct? YOU are not the issue. Your DH and the BM are the parents and have not raised him well or given him structure (is BM in the picture?). And your DH will not back you up,
There's not much you can do really, exept lay it down with DH. Have a straight up rational, non-emotional, to the point discussion with him about what you can and can no longer tolerate. And if your DH doesn't step up to change things in your SHARED household, what are his (your DH's) consequences? What will you do if this continues?
thank you!
You're right. This has been going on since I moved in, not since the suicide attempt. It just seems that everyone walks on eggshells around him now because of it. BM is an alcoholic living off welfare so not a great role model. She can't take care of herself let alone lay down the law. And you're also right, I have the responsibility without authority.... which is incredibly frustrating.
I've never thought about giving DH consequences. Outside of this parenting issue, we are great together and (outside of this parenting issue), he makes me happy. This gives me something to contemplate.
SS and his "challenges"
So disney daddy cakes needs to give out some tough love. Is the kid able to drive and have a job? The kid needs structure and rules to follow and as your life partner, your husband should have your back, you two should be a united team. If you are not given the authority to parent then daddy cakes needs to do it.
Room disgusting? Daddy cakes either requires SS to do it in a certain timeframe or he does it himself.
Disrespectful skiddo? You disengage and do NOTHING for him.
Time for a REALLY REALLY super hardcore heart to heart with DH. Talk about timelines and launching and responsibilities.
Hopefuly you have separate finances.
Disney Dad - that's about right!
I've never heard the term "Disney Dad" but that feels about right!
SS drives and has managed to hold down a job for about a year. He pays his car insurance but is reliant on us for everything else.
I've been doing this for the past few days but he doesn't seem to notice that I haven't said so much as "hello" to him. DH says I'm being passive-aggressive by giving the silent treatment but I deserve respect and I'm not willing to pretend I don't hear the negativity coming from SS's mouth. I needed to find a place where I could talk to others going through similar issues as me, which is when I found StepTalk. Already, I feel heard.
Passive aggressive?? Nope.
Passive aggressive?? Nope. You are giving what you get (not much) and DH is trying to gaslight you into reengaging with SS. Nope. You need to sit down with a glass of wine and make lists, one of all the terrible things you can remember ( that's what the wine is for) and make another list of what you expect here on out from SS AND DH. You will need the first list to justify the second list to DH. He won't remember this stuff and depending on how many pages you write, ( mine was 3 pages both sides 3 years in) he should be shocked at how much bull crap you have tolerated in the name of love. Then you hire a cleaning crew to clean SS area and make DH pay for it. Own the home? Why let a pig ruin your investment?? Time for you to put on the bitch boots and own your power!
Good idea!
I love this idea. I am definitely going to take this advice.
First, Welcome.
I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.
Now, why did you marry this failed parent? Please splain us that.
What could possibly have blinded you to the shit children he created and has raised?
What do you think your own daughther thinks about her mother tolerating this cess pool of genetic refuse?
This is an adult child. Regardless of what issues he may have. Your timid DH is the cause, continues to create this shit storm, and ... YOU choose to do nothing about it.
Why is that?
I would immediately post the standards of behavior and performance that this toxic spawn will comply with. Immediatley initiate an escalating state of abject misery that he will not escape until he either complies, or launches.
Put locks on everything.. Have his room stripped bare and the polluted state of the room sanitized leaving only bare LVP floors, latex paint sealed walls, a molded plastic chair, an inflatable plastic matress, an inflatable plastic pillow, and a mylar film blanket. All things that can be hosed down with Lysol to keep the stanky effluent under control.
No access to alcohol, no access to food other than during meal times.
If ball-less DH cries about it, tell him that he and his spawn need to pack and GTF out.
Don't parent either one of them. Contain them and purge them from your life if DH does not step up and deal effectively and immediatley with his toxic failed family spawn.
Over the top? Absolutely. Nessary, also absolutely. Do not allow this insanity to further be a detriment to your life. Think of what your daugther would want for you. Make that happen.
IMHO of course.
Is SS in therapy? If he has mental health challenges
Is SS in therapy? If he has mental health challenges relating to suicide to the point where everyone is afraid to upset him for fear he will try again, he should be in therapy to deal with it.
Lock up your liquor. Don't try and be nice or subtle about it - just do it.
You are doing great!
First of all, good job for standing up for yourself with your husband, and setting boundaries. You are not alone. I have been there and spent many nights crying in my bedroom, hiding from the rudeness and the chaos. Your therapist needs to be fired. Find one that specifically can tell you she will be supportive of your stepparent status.
I have a 19 year old SD who is also mentally unstable and rude, toxic and sometimes suicidal. She lives with her mom. We are still paying for her cell phone, which is pointless because she doesn't talk to anyone. She locks herself in her room and plays video games and watches you tube all day. I spent several years gritting my teeth as she ruined dinner for us and her siblings. My husband didn't want to "rock the boat" either. Finally, she is no longer coming over here. and we are all just waiting for her to A. commit suicide B. get therapy or C. get kicked out of her moms house for yelling at everyone. She refuses medication and help and is trying to get a doctor to label her as "agoraphobic" so she she can live with her mom forever, doing nothing and not cleaning up after herself.
So, you are not alone. I disengaged and told my husband if any of the kids ever move back home, I will be moving out and he can kiss his marriage goodbye. He has agreed and is now standing up for himself and letting go of the kids that are being brats.
I hope things get better for you. Don't give up on yourself. You are right. They are wrong.
My DH was a Disney Dad to his
My DH was a Disney Dad to his son too. At least SS wasn't a slob. But no rules, and his behavior toward me swung from ignoring to rudeness to the occasional moment of kindness.
What's the plan for the future with SS? That's one way to approach your situation. How will he live independently if he can't so much as keep his space livable? Can he cook a meal, make a budget, pay bills? Or will he end up on your couch being a professional gamer so that Daddy can indulge him for the rest of his life?
Your DH's job is to raise an independent, functional adult. Sounds like he's done a terrible job of that. So, what's the plan for SS moving out of your home? Is there one? If not, that becomes one of your absolute boundaries. Set a deadline and a calendar to meet the deadline. If DH doesn't like it, then he can look for a place for both SS and himself but YOU absolutely will not live with this forever.
DH needs to determine what help SS needs to launch into an independent life. Is it life skills? Mental health support? Financial support for a (defined and limited) time? Just wringing his hands and walking on eggshells prolongs the problem, and nothing is being done to solve it.
My SS, has done two addiction therapy rehab stints. In the second one he realized that his relationship with DH was part of the problem -- so SS himself set about changing that from co-dependency to functional adult. I am grateful everyday to that program, and that SS had the strength to do what was necessary. To this day, my DH is clueless about that. And SS has been clean for about 8 years. I'm very proud of him. Doesn't mean we have no issues, but at least he is a functional, independent adult.
I left stephell a little over
I left stephell a little over a year ago. I have never looked back and don't regret the decision. I have had the same experiences with others as a step parent (family or friends) years ago when I would start to try to vent and others (who weren't step parents) would be quick to invalidate what I was saying. Also, I was told that I'm not the parent and don't have a say. It is maddening. Definitely find another therapist. I am still in counseling over what I went through with my ex and his son and this counselor does not invalidate my feelings. This counselor is also a step parent. People who aren't step parents just don't understand.
This situation with SS will likely not improve. My ex husband's son was not suicidal and had no mental health issues. However, my ex was absolutely obsessed with his son, even when his son was 21 years old. He and his son were very codependent. My ex would refuse to parent his kid in any way if it meant telling his son anything he didn't want to hear (like, get a job and get out). So my ex helped to create that sh*tshow of a situation by enabling his son. I'm so much happier being away from that.
I agree that a conversation with DH must be had. It isn't fair for you to have no peace in your home. This 19 yo guy needs to launch and it is his dad's job to get that to happen.
I hope things work out, please keep us posted!