I used to post in here fairly regularly when our kids were younger and at home, but thankfully life has been pretty calm for a while.  Something happened last weekend that I have been churning over, and I have always found it helpful to get it out here and to get other people's take who may be in similar situations   

Anyway, DH and I have been married over 10 years.  I have a  BS and a SS who are both 24, they are good friends and we have a good relationship with both of them.   I also have a SD20, who has been the source of most of our stepfamily conflict due to her attitude and entitlement as a result of DH's indulgence out of fear and BM's influence out of control   Not that I am a psychologist.  The road with her as been very, very rocky, and she stopped coming here about 4 years ago.  She hasn't been around a lot since, there are periods where things seem ok and she is communicating with DH, periods where she is hateful, and periods that she ignores him for unknown reasons.  The last year or so has been the calmest - we have got together a few times, she is communicating for the most part, and seemed like maybe she is maturing a bit.   I was feeling hopeful that maybe we were on the road to mending and having a somewhat normal relationship, but this really baffles me...

Every year I try to plan something we can all do together, and SD normally participates. This year I made a plan months ago, and even reached out to SD directly to see if she was interested because I had to book ahead.  She and her boyfriend were, so I booked tickets at around 150 each.  DH has communicated with her about it off and on over the last couple month, and she was here for a cookout a couple weeks ago and she and I talked about it...confirmed the date and time.  All good. 
 

The event was this past weekend. The week prior, DH called and texted her several times with the details, and heard nothing back.  The night before the event, she called and said, you wanted me to call you? Like he hadn't left messages saying why.  When he told her it was the next day, she said she forgot about it.... also that her boyfriend had to work (the event was in the morning, her bf works at a restaurant in the evening)....and that she was going to be going to BM's to visit.    So they weren't going to make it.

I am baffled for two reasons.  One, is she really that clueless, or is she intentionally trying to hurt DH?  I could maybe believe she forgot...didn't check her messages..maybe, but to throw in that she is going to see BM instead of a planned thing with her father just seems like a knife twist. 
 

The other reason is my DH. I was sitting there while they talked, and he was super nice and casual about it - gee, that's too bad, we should get a credit for it so we will pass it along to you guys.  Um. No DH, we will not.  If she had responded at the beginning of the week then sure, but not after literally ignoring you.  And then waiting until last minute - the cancellation policy was 48 hours.  I am flabbergasted that he does not have the ability to say hey SD, that is not cool that you have ignored me all week, and now you have lost us money.  Instead he basically pats her on the head.   But then I hear about how upset he is, so I know he feels the way I do about it

This just brought back feelings from when she lived here - seeing her do and say things that were horribly disrespectful or hurtful and watching him roll over and take it.  And often reward her for it by jumping to do whatever it was she was being mean about.  It was very hard for me, I hate to see that dynamic any time, let alone in my home between people I love, but if I spoke up or reacted, I was the bad guy.  I shut down and fell into a depression for a while and we came close to getting divorced, because neither one of us could figure out how to handle it.  Which only added to the rocky situation with SD, she could add feeling unwelcome here to her list of grievances, and that made both of us feel terrible and guilty and really not know what to do with that.

DH and I did go to counseling years ago and it helped us to communicate better, so at least we can talk about these things now.  I told him how I feel about this situation, and he 100% agrees with me.  He says he doesn't want to tell her how he really feels because at least right now things are cordial.   I get that, but it's not real.  It's easier to deal with as she isn't actively in our lives every day, but the relationship is a source of sadness for both of us.  And I don't see it ever getting better if he doesn't try a different approach.  But, that is for him to figure out, I can't do it for him.  And I am not even sure if it's possible to change the direction at this point, there has been a pattern established to where if he tries to stand up to something, she rains down on him, and he backs down. It's exhausting and stupid.  I feel bad for both of them.  But I sure hate to see this pattern keep playing out.